Spn 8.17 and The Pathological Babysitter
So I'm having trouble with some of the reactions to the last scene between Sam and Dean in 8.17...
And I think I've figured out why. I just can't celebrate the fact that Dean seems to have this preoccupation with assuring Sam that he will always be there to carry him. Because you know where that comes from? That comes from being left, over and over, by the people HE needed, when he needed them most.
I know what it's like to have someone you love leave you when you really need them, to have them tell you that it's for the best. I know what it's like to be left behind, trying to make sense of why, trying so hard to justify their actions, if only to make yourself feel better. That attempt to convince yourself only goes on for so long, though. After a while, you decide that that person who left you had no fucking clue what they were doing. And you decide you're never going to make the same mistake. I think the things that leave you feeling the most vulnerable, as a kid, are the things you try hard to never do to anyone else.
Dean knows what it feels like to have absolutely no safety net, to be left to fend for himself by the people who claim to care about him. And so he tries with all his might to never do that to anyone he loves. He knows, first hand, how goddamn awful it feels, and is terrified of Sam feeling the same way.
And that's why, no matter how much the people he loves hurt him he will always "come around" and be there for them in their time of need. Not because he's just that devoted. But because he refuses to do the thing that has been done to him, by Mary and Bobby when they died, John (in the way he raised them, and again, when he disappeared on Dean pre-pilot, to hunt down Azazel), Sam, in many ways, when he left for Stanford, and when he failed to find Dean in Purgatory, by Castiel in Purgatory, and now again where in all likelihood, he's made the unilateral decision that he and the Angel Tablet are a danger to Dean. If not outright abandonned or left behind, Dean has been left feeling neglected or abandoned by the ones he love far too many times.
And then, while Dean almost never asks for help, on the very rare occasions when he's desperate and lost and doesn't know what to do, he'll reach out. He'll make a desperate phone calls to a father that never shows. He'll pray to an Angel that he's not sure he even trusts, and then tell the Angel he needs him. And then the Angel leaves.
And Dean tells Sam that he will carry him. Because he wants to be the person in Sam's life that he's never had in his own.
And no, I don't believe Sam is that person for Dean. Sam also needs to be counted among the people Dean loves who have left him in his time of need. And I'm not just talking about when he was possessed by Lucifer. Sam left Dean broken and bloody on the floor of that motel room in 4.21, against everything that Dean begged him to do, because Sam thought he knew best. And it wasn't a result of possession or mind control or Clockwork-Orange brainwashing. It was Sam, high on demon blood and his own power.
This especially needs mentioning in light of how many people are talking about Cas's actions in 8.17. Let me be clear that I am in no way saying that Cas's assaulting Dean was not brutal and traumatizing. I'm just pointing to Dean's nature here, and to the fact that Dean went and stood by Sam even before he forgave him for his actions. I think we can safely say that knowing Cas was being manipulated in a very tangible way, Dean will most likely try to do the same for Cas-help him and stand by him-in as much, if not less time. Because that's what Dean does. That's who he is to the people he cares about. He's there. He doesn't think twice about endangering himself in order to be there for them. And I don't think it's sweet. I think it's terrible. Because at this point, it's practically pathological.
And so often, when I see gifs or graphics or whatever swooning over Dean's devotion to protecting Sam, I see it as a romanticization of Dean's trauma. It takes a very vulnerable part of Dean's character (his fear of abandonment) and applauds the way it has manifested itself in his personality. I watched that last scene where Dean told Sam he'd carry him, and all I could think was how Dean so desperately needs someone to be that person for him, how he just moments before, basically begged Cas to be that person, and was denied. And it breaks my heart.
(Ok, wow, I think I just wrote legit meta arguing for Dean-centric h/c!. Niiiiiice!)