Out with the Old: Part 12
Title: Out with the old
Author: IAdoreCallie
Pairing: Callie and Arizona
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Arizona's journal as the New Year begins. She and Callie are moving in together.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this fiction, nor do I have any rights in regards to them. All images fully credited to their original owner.
Date: March 1st
Time: 7am.
Arizona, there is something I need to write in here that is going to be devastating for you to read. It is crushing for me to write. Sasha passed away an hour ago. Her body wasn't strong enough. Owen, Derek and Cristina did everything they could, but she slipped away. They promised me she didn't feel anything but she didn't have the fight in her.
I can't stop crying. She was so little. Didn't deserve any of this and you laying here was all for nothing. I know you'll say that you had to try, to give her the chance to fight but right now it seems like such a waste. Her father needs to burn in hell for all of this. My dad is sitting here with me. Mom is in the chapel. Praying. Like that will do any good. They got here a few hours ago.
It broke me Arizona. Looking at Sasha laying there all still. It broke me as I could picture you having a baby that would look like her... I had a split second thought of asking you when you woke up if we should give her a home. No point in asking now. But looking at her there, cold... It shattered everything in me. I have never felt so hollow. Mark had to peel me out of the morgue. Erica kept telling me it would do no good to be in there, but seriously, what do they know. Either of them. A manwhore and an ice queen. I hated them both. I actually hated them. Even though they have done so much for us. But you weren't here to remind me of that. Which is why Mark has a nasty scratch on his face. I can't believe I scratched him to make him let me go. That isn't me. But then I'm not me without you.
Mark is trying to make it out like he isn't upset... But I know he is. I messed up his pretty face. Erica gets this little smile every time she see's it...
When my Mom and Dad got here it it was weird. My dad went straight to your bedside and demanded to know all the details of what happened, your status and prognosis. It was weird to see him like that. I mean I know he is a determined man but it was like I was laying there. He really does care about you. My Mom stood there silent, staring. She looked horrified actually. I don't think she was expecting you to actually be hooked up to machines and stuff. She probably thought I was being over dramatic. But no one can exaggerate how you look right now. I would take a picture. But I don't think you want to see it. And when this is all over I don't wan to be reminded of it either.
I'm not sure if she is down in the chapel praying for Sasha or you. But I do know that the tears she tried to hide were real and not put on for the bystanders... As there weren't any.
I thought I saw you move a moment ago. Its just my eyes playing tricks. I have spent so long just staring at you. Willing you to wake up. That any pulse beneath the skin makes me think you moved. I'm going crazy Arizona. I scratched up my best friend for trying to remove me from the morgue. I see things that aren't happening. I haven't been able to sleep. When I do I'm drowning and I wake up choking.
Looking at Sasha laying there it reminded me of who you saw in the coffin, in your dream. I wondered if you saw what I saw. I'll never leave you alone Arizona. I'll never leave you cold. I just wish I knew what to do. I wish I could make some magical fix that would have you springing from the bed like you do in the morning. All perky, your hair all messed up but full of that irritating cheerfulness that you can muster at all hours of the day or night. Why can't I have that magical fix it Arizona? I don't even have the strength to go home and play with Ali. Cristina keeps telling me how annoying she is, but she spends all her free time at our place with her. I think she loves her really.
Meredith is staying away. Derek said she feels responsible. I told him to tell her its not her fault. Like her weedy little body would have been able to stop him. Please. A stiff breeze would knock her over. He also said she is a little scared of me now. After I scratched Mark. She is worried I might lash out at her. Something about me looking like a crazy bedraggled cat lady right now. I have a dog. Not a cat. She should know better.
Owen got the all clear by the way. No charges will be pressed against him. I don't know if I told you that already. I should read what I already wrote so I am not retelling you stuff you already know. But I really don't want to. Also I am scared if I look back at it, I'll realize I wrote something totally stupid and have to scribble it all out and ruin your journal. It is taking all sorts of restraint not to doodle in it.
Dad said I should maybe put in some current affairs type stuff so that you have something less depressing to read. But as it is all war, murder and gloom I don't see the point. Although I did see this one video on Youtube where this kid thinks he is a sword master... Kinda funny watching him make an idiot of himself. I'll show it to you when you wake up. Might make you smile.
Addison called last night. Just before my parents arrived. Said that she would be in the area next month if you want to meet up. Or maybe when you are all better we could head down to LA for a vacation. I hate LA. All those pretty people. But it might be fun to see Addi on her own turf.
My eyes are burning but I don't want to sleep and miss anything. You need to wake up soon Arizona. I need to see your eyes so that I can close mine... I need to wake up to see you smiling at me, telling me everything is going to be ok. I need that more than anything in the world.
Wake up Arizona. If you love me, you'll wake up...