(no subject)
I havent been this down since i was about 15. Everything is wrong. Gone wrong, going wrong just wrong wrong wrong.
I feel fucking sick and tired of trying all the time. I just went out in the garden and puked, i feel so awful and hopeless.
For the past few months Matt has been growing steadily more and more like his dad. He has become rude, obnoxious and uncaring. The reason I fell in love with matt, apart from the way he looks, is that he is completely different from all the other boys ive ever met. He actually thinks before he acts, he worries that he has hurt me. He always calls. He thinks of me when his out and buys me things. Ive never been in any doubt of his love for me. His never looked twice at another woman when we are out.
Suddenly, all this has changed. The thing to remember about matts family is that they are predominantly cunts. They look like cunts, they act like cunts. Their favourite game to play is to try to wind me up, that matt has another girlfriend, that he goes to strip bars and so on.
The reason for this, or at least the only reason i can fathom is because the other brothers always go out with really horrible overbearing girls who actually believe this shit, then get really jealous and the brothers get to dump them. A little powertrip. It does annoy me, but not because i believe them, because i dont, it annoys me to think that they think im that stupid.
Lots of things lately, The motorbike (Which was the one and only thing I have ever asked of matt, not to get a motorbike), they way he has spoken to me recently, the way he speaks to my mum sometimes and his general attitude.
For example, if matt thinks that I find a guy in a band cute, he wont like them. He didnt want to go to mcr, he went to alkaline trio and kept asking me if i fancied them. Im not allowed to find men attractive, or at least say i do and then today he goes to me "That blonde nurse really fancied me". Anyone that knows me knows that I have really fucking low self esteem, and saying things like that...its like... why dont you just use a knife?
Today, matt had a day off, and he sat at my work for about two hours then fucked off to camden with sean, his brother. He didnt tell me what time he would be back or anything, and just now he rung me "Oh ill sleep at the boat tonight". I dont get what is going on. I mean, is this like a new found desire to prove himself to his brothers? Or is this now the way he is going to be? I hope not, because to be really honest, if he is going to be like his dad, I dont want to be with him anymore. seven years down the pan.
To make things worse. Antony is going through some major psychological shit at the moment. And today I told my mum a lot of stuff that i have never told anyone. Why cant this year hurry up and fucking end.