srsface depresso-box post
This is not going to be a fun post. You don't really even have to read it, I just sort of need to get this out. And for some reason I seem to have got the idea that it'll be useful to catalogue where I am now, in case I ever get better and want to look back on where I was.
When I think about it, I think I've been depressed for pretty much my whole life. And I think I never noticed because there was always other, more immediate shit going on. I probably thought that most of it was circumstantial, and it would get better once I got out of x or y bad situation.
It hasn't.
In fact I'm pretty sure I'm worse than ever. I certainly don't remember being this bad off, mentally, even when things were at the worst re: abusive roommates and things. I've got no energy and no inspiration to do anything. I can't write, draw, or compose much of anything. The things that used to make me happy, like reading or RP or fandom, don't really interest me. A lot of days I barely get off the couch. My appetite's gone weird, my sex drive was never very high but now it's totally gone. I can't always manage simple tasks. I don't function in social situations as well as I used to. My self-esteem is pretty much shot. I can't stay in my bedroom for more than around five minutes without getting horribly depressed. Even aside from that, it only takes the slightest thing to set me off, and then I'm on a downward spiral until I've convinced myself that there's no point to my life, that everything about me is wrong, that nobody cares, and that it's never going to get better. And I'm pretty sure I've still only scratched the surface here, but the point is that I'm approaching nonfunctional.
I know I need to get help- specifically, at this point, I need medication- but it's very hard for me to do it on my own. See above, about lack of energy and not functioning very well around people I don't know. But also I'm tired and scared and I can't help feeling like I'm taking the weak way out. I know people (not naming names, natch) with more severe mental issues and worse living situations than I have, and they just fucking deal. Until now I've been able to get through on sheer willpower and mental strength, and it sort of destroys me that I don't have that anymore. I hate feeling pathetic for wanting someone to help me get the help I need and I hate feeling ashamed of not being strong enough anymore.
I had a pretty good weekend, and while I was coasting on that my plan was to call VCSB tomorrow and set up an appointment. Then I was reminded that it'll take a while to set me up with a therapist, and another while for the therapist to refer me to a psychiatrist, and it could be months before I can get medication. (I know I'm sort of fixating on the meds here, but at this point I have done therapy and I have done everything else and that has only gotten me so far. There is something chemically wrong in my brain and I want it fixed.) In a couple months, I could be actually nonfunctional. I am honestly not sure if I can bear up for that long. But I don't have money or insurance, so right now, it's pretty much the only option I have.
I just don't know if I can do it. I don't know what to do.
When I think about it, I think I've been depressed for pretty much my whole life. And I think I never noticed because there was always other, more immediate shit going on. I probably thought that most of it was circumstantial, and it would get better once I got out of x or y bad situation.
It hasn't.
In fact I'm pretty sure I'm worse than ever. I certainly don't remember being this bad off, mentally, even when things were at the worst re: abusive roommates and things. I've got no energy and no inspiration to do anything. I can't write, draw, or compose much of anything. The things that used to make me happy, like reading or RP or fandom, don't really interest me. A lot of days I barely get off the couch. My appetite's gone weird, my sex drive was never very high but now it's totally gone. I can't always manage simple tasks. I don't function in social situations as well as I used to. My self-esteem is pretty much shot. I can't stay in my bedroom for more than around five minutes without getting horribly depressed. Even aside from that, it only takes the slightest thing to set me off, and then I'm on a downward spiral until I've convinced myself that there's no point to my life, that everything about me is wrong, that nobody cares, and that it's never going to get better. And I'm pretty sure I've still only scratched the surface here, but the point is that I'm approaching nonfunctional.
I know I need to get help- specifically, at this point, I need medication- but it's very hard for me to do it on my own. See above, about lack of energy and not functioning very well around people I don't know. But also I'm tired and scared and I can't help feeling like I'm taking the weak way out. I know people (not naming names, natch) with more severe mental issues and worse living situations than I have, and they just fucking deal. Until now I've been able to get through on sheer willpower and mental strength, and it sort of destroys me that I don't have that anymore. I hate feeling pathetic for wanting someone to help me get the help I need and I hate feeling ashamed of not being strong enough anymore.
I had a pretty good weekend, and while I was coasting on that my plan was to call VCSB tomorrow and set up an appointment. Then I was reminded that it'll take a while to set me up with a therapist, and another while for the therapist to refer me to a psychiatrist, and it could be months before I can get medication. (I know I'm sort of fixating on the meds here, but at this point I have done therapy and I have done everything else and that has only gotten me so far. There is something chemically wrong in my brain and I want it fixed.) In a couple months, I could be actually nonfunctional. I am honestly not sure if I can bear up for that long. But I don't have money or insurance, so right now, it's pretty much the only option I have.
I just don't know if I can do it. I don't know what to do.