(no subject)
I feel so drained. All this sickness is just making me sicker. My body is so traumatized from being on medicines, being off others, and my dad's 'experimentations' with my dosages. I've gotten some much needed rest the past two nights, but I'm still not myself. 'Myself' being a very arbitrary term seeing as yesterday was my very first 'unaltered' day.
The world is a scary place without your walls of protection. My pain medicine was a type of bug repellant, keeping all the world and its problems so distant from me. I dont sleep cos I'm afraid to breathe. I despise the worlds toxins that infiltrate my body every night. Thus sleep is very minimal and hard to come by.
I went to a psychologist yesterday. I told the woman everything.. well.. almost. I told her about my numerous 'self inflictions' and irrational obsessions. I'm probably going to wind up in another in-patient treatment center, this time for my eating disorder. I had never told anyone about that. Not my friends, my parents, or my other psychologists. The parents are going to go into absolute shock, they have no idea. I'm not much of a liar when I'm unaltered so I just kind of open up to people. I had never met that lady before in my life.
School makes me feel horrible. Everything goes by so slowly now. I met two boys. One that's my new Thrice buddy and one that wants to come over and smoke out on the dock with me on the bay. I love the term 'smoke out.' We'll see what happens. I forgot while I was on opiates that I dont smoke and thus found myself in situations I dont know if I would have normally put myself in.
We're going to the beach today. I can't go in the water because I still have fainting spells and the sun is a catalyst for them. There's a pool there, though, and lots of sand to displace, lots of licorice to be consumed and then deconsumed. It's the quiet beach.. the one I always wanted to take a tent to and sleep on. We're not going over the Skyway to get there, though. We have to pick up Lisa in Tampa so we're taking an alternate route.
I'm going to try and write, REALLY write next time.