Writer's Block: Life With ADHD
A couple of days late, but that is me of course...
Well, to start out, when I was in first grade my teacher Ms. Rouse noticed how bored I was in class and decided that I just had to be ADHD because her son was and acted like I did. Yeah, so multiple IQ tests and therapist appointments it was decided that I was not ADHD but was indeed very intelligent and just bored in class because I was so ahead of everyone else.
But the therapist decided to shove Ritalin (or at least the generic that had a very long M name) down my throat anyway so that I would pay more attention or at least act like it. No, I don't remember if it actually helped or not.
But my first week of third grade my beloved Ms. Binko had a meeting with my mother. She did not think I needed to be medicated and suggested I get seen again to find alternate ways of dealing with how I needed to be stimulated more in class. So we did that. I was taken off the meds. And given class work that pushed me more so I wasn't as bored. And put in the GT program the next year.
So it stayed. I was more interested in class, but never did the homework and always had teachers frustrated with me. Was I lazy? To some extent most likely I was. But I also never got the one on one time at home that I needed to keep me focused on my work. Something that I still needed because apparently while I wasn't ADHD back then, my brain still went a million places and got lost. Go figure.
Come eighth grade when I had a major depressive break and was sent to Taylor Manor. While everyone says I was depressed I still say those two weeks I stayed home from school before I was caught I was never happier. I didn't have people watching me. I didn't have to deal with society. I was happy.
Anyway, there I met the therapist I would see for the next seven years. When I was in nineth grade when he found out how bad I was doing in school he had me retested for ADHD. Again I was told I did not have ADHD, but I was showing signs of eventually having Adult Onset ADD. I still don't understand all that to this day. So I was put on Adderall for a year. Yes, it did help. I would be able to focus more, but I had not been given the skill set I needed to cope with doing being actually able to do my school work.
I hate to say this about my parents and my school, but they both really dropped the ball. I should have been given the one on one time to get myself back on track. At that point I really did need to have someone up my ass telling what I needed to do. Because honestly I didn't know how to do it myself. I didn't know how to study. Mind you I never needed to. As long as I was in class everyday I could get away with not studying for tests. I did learn to have something in my hands to play with so my mind could be elsewhere. Yes, I know that this is the only way I passed all my classes. But it is a sad thing when a magnet school with very few students can drop the ball like that.
By my senior year I was finally fully diagnosed with Adult Onset ADD. And that is also when they started shoving tons of pills down my throat. I graduated. The meds for ADD helped a little but they kept having to up the dose. The antidepressants never helped by the way.
I only spent three semesters in college. By the end of my second semester I was already having really bad headaches. I had no appetite. I slept every chance I got. I did great in college my first semester. I did okay my second after dropping one course and getting extra help with deadlines. My third semester is when I started having migrains three or more a week.
By that time I was taking well over the "allowed" dose of both Stratera and Wellbutrin XL. And I was just barely 115 pounds because I couldn't stomache food. I was asleep over half my day. I would actually get woken up by Josh around lunch time everyday. Which I am thankful for. If he hadn't done that for me I would have probably gotten sicker. To this day I'm not sure if he knows how thankful I am to him for that.
Needless to say I had to leave school. I lost my health insurance. Which means I had to ween myself off the meds. And gosh darnit guess what happened? I stopped having all those migrains. I still get them every once in a while. I probably will for the rest of my life. Excedrine is a wonder.
But now I have to deal with it on my own. I refuse to be medicated ever again. My computer gets most of my time because I can get lost very easily. I work with my father because I can't work with other people and keep my job. He knows how to work with me and keep my mind on task now. I love him for that. If I am not doing something I can and will fall asleep. My brain just needs something to focus on.
My mother goes back and forth between telling me I am just lazy and giving me links online and books about living with ADD. Little things are not easy. Even filing papers can get overwhelming at times if I am not careful. My house is still packed up from when we moved almost a year ago. Writing lists and separating tasks into lots of little ones does help. As long as I have Jon take the computer power cords with him to work.
Nowadays little things take a lot of focus. But I have support to help make sure I get them done. I get frustrated a lot. Often times I feel worthless because I have to force myself to be able to get things done. Which I know is compounded by my depression. I have been known to kick and scream about how I just want to be normal. And that will never go away.
Crap, it's been an hour on this. That is the other issue I have with my ADD. I not only have times when I need to focus on ten million things to get one done. I also have times when I get so lost in just one thing that everything else disapears. Which is why I don't live alone and have two vocal cats to help pop me out of those times.
So, support systems are great. There is such as thing as ADHD and ADD. Meds aren't always great. And life goes one whether or not you have a normal functioning brain.