I Look at the World and I Notice It's Turning
I feel obligated to post on New Year’s. This year, I don’t know where to begin or what to say.
2007 was my first full year out of high school and out of Linden. Now, of course, neither of my parents live in Michigan. While I maintain that Michigan is still my home, during 2007 I began to feel more and more comfortable in Pittsburgh. When I first decided that I would spend next summer there, it was mostly out of spite for my dad’s continual moving. But I am looking forward to it now, and lately I began imagining myself having a life in Pittsburgh after college…maybe in 2007 I redefined home.
Academically, 2007 has been the worst year of my life. Spring of 2007 was the first time I got more than one B during a semester. Fall of 2007 was my first C. I know with absolute certainty I am better than that-I didn’t work hard enough and I wasn’t focused enough. Maybe the C was just what I needed to motivate me. It will not happen again. Any amount of work is worth what it will save me in shame. There is no excuse; blaming the subject or professor or department or exam format or textbook are all cop-outs. I need to get serious academically.
That being said, I really can’t have another semester like the last one. 18 credits across two majors and five subject areas with two honors classes was insane. Instead of being diligent in all of my classes, I half-assed my way through everything but genetics and Tolkien. And I have the transcript to prove it. Now I know my limits, and I’ll try not to push them again.
Though it’s not actually final yet, I’m fairly certain now that 2007 was my last year with Girls’ State. It’s a thought I don’t like to go near, because I literally cannot comprehend the idea of a summer without GS. My last three birthdays have been there; what the hell will I do now on my birthday?
Socially, 2007 has been interesting. While I love my friends at Pitt dearly, towards the end of this year I began feeling a bit suffocated. I still wanted to spend my time with them, but I was frustrated with myself for wanting to. Maybe this just means that I need to expand my social life a bit; not diminish any of my current friendships at all, but meet some new people. I don’t know how to do this, but I am sure that working in the lab and in the writing center will be a good start. And if I get involved with the UU church, then that will help also. But I think it is also in my nature to make friendship more emotionally exhausting than it really needs to be-I have friends that I truly care about, and so I justify investing time and emotion. Where does it stop? I can neither give nor empathize infinitely. This year I need to teach myself not to carry the weight of all of my friends’ stress-they don’t want me to, it makes my life more difficult than necessary, and it doesn’t even help them. Again, I think my new areas of involvement will be useful in this venture.
I’ve drifted from high school friends much more than I thought possible this year. Though I don’t think it was necessarily negative, my time with them (more specifically, the lack thereof) during the summer was an eye-opener. I care a lot about them and they were a great support group in high school, but they simply aren’t as fun, interesting, or caring as my friends at Pitt. After this winter break, I have decided that while I will keep in touch with them, I’m not going to invest the effort to orchestrate time with them anymore. I’ll be in Michigan a lot less from here on out, Jackie’s never around, Megan will be spending her spring break and most likely summer away from home, and Amber’s life is moving ahead quickly too. Gradually, high school is fading away from me. I’m OK with it now, and I’m finally ready to accept that my life needs to be based in Pittsburgh for the next couple of years.
Most significantly, on this New Year’s I feel old. Though I always have a place to stay, I don’t really have a solid home with my parents anymore. I’m almost halfway done with my undergrad. I have an apartment in which I cook and clean. I grocery shop. I’ve thoroughly planned my grad school. More and more, I make my major decisions without consulting my father. I can feel myself getting more practical-deciding on the science MAT, for example, or realizing that I need to let Michigan go for a bit. Perhaps it is unnecessarily dramatic for me to say old; I’m not yet 20. Yet adulthood looms far too closely for comfort...
“But at my back I always hear/time’s winged shadow hurrying near…”-Andrew Marvell
There was a gorgeous snowfall tonight.
May 2008 bring love, contentment, and success for us all.