(no subject)
I'm feeling pretty stressed out and a little bit lonely. Jim and I's schedules have been conflicting quite a bit so we don't see much of each other. By the time I get home from work, he's in bed. By the time he's getting home from work, I'm getting ready to leave. At least, that's how it's been this week. Next his schedule changes so he won't have be in at 5am for a while.
It has been a little rough either way. It feels like there's always somewhere we need to be or something that has to be done. We still don't have much by way of furniture, so what time we do have at home is typically fairly uncomfortable. That problem should be fixed shortly after school starts. We've been waiting for my FA refund to buy the bulk of that stuff.
I'm really pretty unhappy with work. I feel moderately guilty for that. With the economy as bad as it is, I should be happy that I even have a job, much less back up options if this one doesn't work out. I suppose that's part of my anxiety about Osaka, I *have* several other options, options that are likely to be far less stressful. I'm not sure if they have that much confidence in me and think I'm super human, or are just that bad at managing their resources, but other servers have been skipped in the rotation while I'm being over seated. When I'm not being run ragged, I'm being micromanaged, which makes easy tasks far more stressful and time consuming than they need to be. I was excited, if a little nervous, to be on bar last night. But when it came to actually working the bar, I was rarely left alone to be able to do anything myself. God forbid that I actually measured out one of our cocktail specials, so I knew it was correct (and tasted correct). It didn't "look right", so I was scolded and A remade it. Really, the problem was I had initially put in too little ice, which settled when I had poured.... which could have been fixed easily.There were vey few cocktails I was allowed to touch for the rest of the night.
Granted, I do lack experience as a bartender, so I do need experience and some training. I understand the basics of what to do and how, though I do not know all of the vocabulary. I really wish they had let Devin train me while he was still there. This is rather typical of how they manage they're employees, however. Just throw them in and hope it works, which mostly is just a setting them up for failure- the employee and the restaurant. I'm starting to wonder if I even want to stick around if they keep me at bar. I've had jobs that I've liked doing less, and people I've liked working with less, and even worse organizational structures.... and yet, before every shift I've been feeling sick with anxiety. Am I going to make any money? Is the money I make going to be worth how hard they run me for it? Are they going to screw my tips by overbooking me? After getting their pay cut, are the chefs going to put on a good show? Am I going to be micromanaged, and be told when and how to do the most menial tasks? And after all that... am I pulling in at least 18% so that I'm matching what I'm tipping out?
It's definitely not worth it to me to stay serving tables. I'd gladly take a pay cut if I had to if it meant being happier and not dreading going to work. The question is.... how much stress is bartending experience worth to me? The money won't be any better, in fact, I'll probably make a little less. I'd be on my own and learning what I don't know already on the fly, but it isn't rocket science. I can read a recipe when I need to, and if the bitch will let me, I'll even measure to make sure it's correct at first. I wish she understood that it takes a little time to be comfortable with counting. I'd rather take a few extra seconds to be precise, than risk being off and having an unsatisfied customer.
Enough bitching. I have some soul searching to do.