(no subject)
i cannot stand my friends anymore. that sucks. just like, every time they open their mouths i get pissed off. we were talking about my school play that we're techies for and this one kid in it is gay. and he's fucking hilarious in it. in one scene he is a little flamboyant but thats just his character and hes dancing the thriller. emily said he acted like a fag, but didn't mean it in a bad way. but the next second shes saying that but, yeah, she hates fags; they freak her out. i'm saying what the fuck b/c she knows me and kelsey are bi but im not even mad about it b/c of that. i'm just very anti-hating ppl for stupid reasons. so she says she doesn't like the "girly gay guys". and we've had the convo many times before that she absolutely hates lesbians. but its more the "dykes" that she hates. and shes so stereotypical it pisses me the hell off. and no matter what i say she still won't change her mind. she doesn't even know any gay ppl. she even hates french ppl. shes never been to France. she went to Canada once. right next to the michigan border too.
and then she complains about her boyfriend b/c hes nerdy and likes to hang out w/ his nerdy friends all the time which, yeah he shouldn't do, but she blames the comics and WOW and all that. so when i say anything about anything "nerdy" she rolls her eyes and says wow, you're gay. like thanks, how would you like it if i put down all your hobbies and anything you are interested in, bitch.
anyway, about her bf, shes a hopeless romantic and think they will be together forever but shes having issues with liking his brother and so she bitches about that constantly. so then about last week she got depressed or w/e and shes been bitching about how her life just sucks and it would be cool to be dead for a little bit. this is when i get the most pissed at her i have ever gotten. i was the same way all of fucking last school year. her and kelsey were getting closer and farther from me. i really fucking wanted a boyfriend or anyone really that i could talk to that fucking cared about me. but they are my closest friends. i seriously thought that if i died they would get over it pretty quickly. i just wanted someone to hold me and make me feel wanted. but no, i've never had bf or a gf and no one fucking wants me except for luke whom i don't like like that at all. although emily and kelsey insist -in front of him- that we should go out. i've told them i don't like him 100 times but they won't fucking listen to me the fucking bastards. anyway, so all that time i was depressed and i only said anything once when i broke down one night and fucking cried for 40 mins straight. i told emily about that and how i thought i was depressed and she kept trying to say that maybe i wasn't. but i was and i was always thinking i just need a fucking break from everything for at least a week. just some kind of escape from everyone. but no one fucking noticed and no one fucking cared. and i got a little better by the time last summer was over. but no she gets sad over her boyfriend and she has to complain all the time to kelsey. (she doesn't talk to me about anything b/c, and i quote "i don't want to say anything b/c you aren't going through it (meaning bf stuff) like kelsey is and i didn't think you would want to hear about it.".) and anyway, her life is better than mine. at least she has someone to tell her he loves her everyday. and she has a fucking life. she can complain but no i can't be depressed. i'm just the weird, quiet girl in the corner. don't mind her, she's not important.
the sad thing is, these are my only friends. there is no one else in my tiny fucking school to be friends with. i'm stuck w/ this until i'm out of high school. which is another year after this one. at least i'm trying to take PSO next year so i will only have to be at that godforsaken school for like 5 periods a day in stead of 9.