Why do I bother...
For one of the first time in my life, I don't feel that I have control over myself. It doesn't seem to matter what I want anymore, otherwise people wouldn't be constantly telling me how I should run my own life better. I can't control how I feel about certain people, and my entire family thinks that I made some horrible life decision. I didn't choose to love him, it just happened. Maybe that's my problem - that I didn't make decisions about things I can control, so whenever a difficult situation arises, it is attributed to me not making any decisions. It's sort of like the boy who cried wolf... If you don't make any decisions that you're able to make for long enough, sooner or later, nobody will believe you when you say you really can't make a certain decision.
In case you couldn't tell by the emo away messages and posts, things have not been going well for me. It's not Boston... Things here are great. It's just the people elsewhere which end up making my life hell. Everyone thinks that they know what's best for me, and don't hesitate in letting me know every 5 seconds. As if that weren't enough, the ONE person whom I never thought would end up being like that, ended up making a decision having to do with "what's best for me." Bullshit. How do you know that it's better this way? While you're acting calm and completely disinterested in anything I'm going through, I'm fucking breaking down. And it doesn't seem like you're even blinking twice my way. It's one thing if you honestly don't care at all about me, but you say you do, and I used to believe you. You say this does upset you, yet I'm the only one who seems to really care, as shown by your complete willingness to let things dissolve. But just like always, I end up sending the text message, the next IM after you've said goodbye. Isn't this what you said you wanted from me, for me to tell you all my emotions? Well here I am, fucking pouring out my soul to you, and it doesn't seem to matter, because "you know what's best for me" apparently. You have no idea. What's best is for me not to feel like I'd rather sleep than being awake, because it hurts to much to conciously be in this much pain. And I never placed all the blame on you, I know I fucked this up too. But I've always been willing to work through it, make up and move on. You'd rather just move on, apparently.
So, now I'm even more alone than ever. Honestly, I wish I'd never even gone through this whole ordeal. Whoever said "it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all" was an asshole. I don't believe it. I was happy being single, before this summer happened. You can ask anyone, I never regreted not being in a relationship, being single was not an unhappy time for me. I was, believe it or not, pretty goddamn happy. Then, this summer happened, and then the fall. And although you claim that I wasn't happy through most of it, I was, even when we were apart, because I knew you were out there, that at least I had you. I don't see how ending things would make me happy, seeing as I was only happy when I was with you, physically or not. If you're doing this for yourself, because you're not happy, that's a totally different story. But don't say you're doing this for me, because you're only destroying me more by doing it. You can't say I never told you what I want, because I have... The only thing I've ever wanted is to be with you. That's it.
You want to still be friends? Fine, I'll play your game, and pretend that everything is great between us, I'll act like I'm not in tears every time I talk to you or about you, and that this doesn't hurt. I'll do it because I love you, and I know you want me to be happy. So I'll pretend that I am, just so you can continue on without any second thought. But things are going to be different, and I think you know this. You can't expect that if something will happen, it'll just happen. I'm telling you it won't, because I won't let it. I can't be both happy with you and happy without you. At least I can hopefully salvage your happiness though. I guess that's enough for me.
-Nicole