Bored...
...and listening to T.I. at work. LOL.
NEW PLAN.
This journal is going to be a repository for some questions that I have. I plan to make these entries public -- something I've never been much about before -- and I absolutely welcome comments on them, or even answers to them.
There is not a right or wrong answer to these questions...
...but don't be surprised if I try to counter-argue whether there should be a black-or-white answer to them.
THE THESIS.
These questions are being asked, being presented, because I have had the realization that - somehow - I have been socialized with and/or I have internalized behavior that, now, seems to have landed me in a very perpexing situation.
My mind is riddled with non-standard behavior that no longer meshes with What Society Does.
Most notably: I don't care about connecting with other human beings.
For some reason, I have found myself seemingly unable to care about other people.
The closest to regular behavior that I can identify is in regards to my wife. I DO care for her deeply. I don't know whether it's important if "care for" and "care about" are the same thing.
At the end of the day, I don't know what "love" is specifically supposed to be or how it's supposed to be demonstrated..... I only know how to provide for, and care for, others .... not how to interact with them, and not how to "love" them, or even to comprehend any emotions about them.
...And it makes me feel like a fraud, every time I tell her "I love you," I know inside my head that *I* think I love her, but if we were to factually evaluate my behavior and thought patterns, and if we were to quantify them using her definition of "love" or a socially-acceptable definition of "love", I fear that the test would reveal that I do not "love" her I merely enjoy taking care of her and secondarily enjoy having a stable, routine partner participate in my life.
So... without going too far right now, I just wanted to denote that this journal is moving in a different direction than it has been. Please, if you feel like doing so, you may participate.
NEW PLAN.
This journal is going to be a repository for some questions that I have. I plan to make these entries public -- something I've never been much about before -- and I absolutely welcome comments on them, or even answers to them.
There is not a right or wrong answer to these questions...
...but don't be surprised if I try to counter-argue whether there should be a black-or-white answer to them.
THE THESIS.
These questions are being asked, being presented, because I have had the realization that - somehow - I have been socialized with and/or I have internalized behavior that, now, seems to have landed me in a very perpexing situation.
My mind is riddled with non-standard behavior that no longer meshes with What Society Does.
Most notably: I don't care about connecting with other human beings.
For some reason, I have found myself seemingly unable to care about other people.
The closest to regular behavior that I can identify is in regards to my wife. I DO care for her deeply. I don't know whether it's important if "care for" and "care about" are the same thing.
At the end of the day, I don't know what "love" is specifically supposed to be or how it's supposed to be demonstrated..... I only know how to provide for, and care for, others .... not how to interact with them, and not how to "love" them, or even to comprehend any emotions about them.
...And it makes me feel like a fraud, every time I tell her "I love you," I know inside my head that *I* think I love her, but if we were to factually evaluate my behavior and thought patterns, and if we were to quantify them using her definition of "love" or a socially-acceptable definition of "love", I fear that the test would reveal that I do not "love" her I merely enjoy taking care of her and secondarily enjoy having a stable, routine partner participate in my life.
So... without going too far right now, I just wanted to denote that this journal is moving in a different direction than it has been. Please, if you feel like doing so, you may participate.