(no subject)
well i should be sleeping cause i have to get up so early for qwest tomorrow.. but thats ok.
i had a thoughtful day.. i like to do more stuff to work out, such as more hodgie and qwest cause it makes me happy even though im so bad and out of shape.
i talked to allie today about how everyone has their best friends.. sanders-scanlon hannah-allie christina-shaya adrienne-her bf.. i used to be the one that was always best friends w/ my bf.. and now i dont have a bf.. and im like alone. thats why i always needed a bf. its so ridiculous.
im not going to date for the rest of my sophomore year. thats my resolution. or hook up. haha. we'll see.. but im trying. change your ways while you're young..
i need to. change my ways that is. at times im so close to people.. and then i turn around and they arent there anymore. what is that? why cant i stay close with anyone. including bfs. i hate them after a month now. i never hate my friends i just am like the one person that hasnt had and kept a best friend.. though im not one of those ppl that is constantly likable, ill admit that much.
is it just me or do u ever feel so useless? like all the sudden all i care about is my gpa i cant get and the sports and atheletics ill never be good at. but why does htat matter so much to me? its always the things i dont have that bug me so much, and if i ever get them that goes away. but... i know if i think about it it doesnt really matter.. and i might as well be happy and not wrry while i can have this life. you know we always take it for granted. i dont care who you are, you take ur life for granted at some point. whether it be when u wake up and ur upset that u have to get up instead of happy that u can.. or when u have a fight with someone you love. thats amazing isnt it. the people u love have such an impact on your life. people will do the smallest things ever.. tel u that they thought of u for some random reason and omg. i realized how much that makes my day. everytime i hear it, no matter how tired or upset i am, a thought goes off that 'omg. i have this amazing person that thinks about me, just me, just because.. how great is that?'
im always thinking about all of you.. and i mean all of you.. christina, shaya, hannah, allie, lauren, lauren, mary, meghan, kate, jordan, kelly, adrienne, meredith, will, blake, brogan, peter, scott, hank, matt, rebecca, abby, vanessa, emily, chandler, soraya, alex, devin, erin, bianca, jeff, hunter, kevin, daniel.alex.&tyler/travis (my other brothers), greg,all u people for random reasons.. random classes.. random memories.
u know that thing that says like 15 people think about u everyday.. all the way to 2 that love u so much they would die for u or whatever it is? i never really believed it.. but think about it. the randomness of the people i think about.. the ones i hardly talk to that have such a place in my heart.. even if its not mutual i give that to someone else. isnt that great? if thats all u can do in this life, thats something that you did. and thats so great. greater than getting into notre dame or being the best dancer in the country. all that we're here to do is live and be happy doing it. thats our greatest accomplishmetnt. giving someone else happiness.. however small it seems is.. phenominal. idk how else ot describe what i mean. i realize it doesnt really make sense.. but even 'not' doing something can be doing something.. not doing something because u know in the end it could affect somene else negatively.. even if its positive for u.. they'll never know, but u did it for them. those things are the things to be proud of. that u have a 4.0. not that u are the best runner on the track team.
why cant i have these thoughts all the time? i have the thoughts like i did early, upset because i never will be the person to have a best friend all through my life. in fact none of my friends that i know now will probably care enough to know me later when we're all getting married.. but right now there is no one or thing that i could possibly love more. i have so many people to think about and be happy that i couldnt possibly ask for more than that. whoever has their own person, bf, best friend, i dont care.. i have such a huge desire for love and to be loved that all these people are more than i could ever hope. 'we have what we love, not what loves us..' those of u ive ever been close w/ know how much i like to talk and express what i feel, even tho it hardly ever makes sense.. but i love to listen just the same.. i love to hear im not the only one. even when i am.
life is so amazing isnt it? so unique and .. wow. idk what to say.
"I have to believe in the world outside my own mind. I have to believe that my actions still have meaning, even if I can't remember them. I have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world's still there."
"its hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure... but don't worry... You will someday."
ahh i love quotes. how can they express what u feel so precisely? well we're all the same.. no matter what though.. we'll all float on ok. stuipd i know but we will. i cant tell u how a song, memory, smell, touch, thought, quote, talk, or just thinking can change moods and perspectives so quickly. im srry to those of u who actually read this nonsense.. im just being me and organizing what im thinking so i can actually sleep tonight.. which im about to do. i love you all so much. if u didnt undersatnd anything i said understand that. sweet dreams....