I found the letter you wrote me.
I found the letter you
wrote me,
when you thought you were dying.
Penned on floral bordered stationary,
I was supposed to read it on my wedding day.
I was your "Dearest Daughter" then,
what made me change in your eyes?
I found the letter you wrote me,
when you thought you were dying.
Your cursive words are shaky,
I wonder if you cried then
like I'm crying now.
You told me that you wished you
could be there to help me,
that you were sure I'd choose a good man.
I did, Mom.
"We don't know why things happen,
but I'm sure God knows."
I found the letter you wrote me,
when you thought you were dying.
I was so little then.
You got a second chance, at life,
at loving..
But you traded in your laugh
and your good heart
for a chemical numbing.
Do you remember the long
summer nights we would spend,
staying up after Dad went to work,
we'd watch all the talk shows and
make jokes.
You were my first best friend.
No one understands why I can't let you go.
I found the letter you wrote me,
when you thought you were dying.
You remind me of the days we spent
puddle jumping
and tell me that it's all going to be okay.
When is it all going to be okay, Mom?
I stood at an altar and
made a forever promise
as you watched from the pew.
But that woman wasn't YOU,
she's just someone that looks like you,
an empty cast,
a facade.
You are not the same Mom
that wrote this letter.
You forgot how to tuck me in
and you forgot my favorite color
and how to make my sisters stop hurting.
Where did you go?
Don't you remember writing,
"I love you today, tomorrow, and always."
Everyday, I see more of your
old-self in me.
I see myself aspiring to be the
wife you were,
and the mother you forgot how to be.
I look in the mirror and
I see your almond shaped eyes
and your high cheekbones.
Everything reminds me of you.
Nobody is perfect,
we are all flawed
and I tried so hard
to accept who you became, I tried to help you,
to bring you back;
But you abandoned me.
I tried to sift through your
little deceptions,
I tried to convince myself,
even when everyone told
me to run.
But in the end you
were carried away.
And you left me on the
greatest day of my life,
the day that I needed to have a mother
more than any other day.
I found the letter you wrote me,
when you thought you were dying.
And it is all that I have left,
because the you I know
only lives on this paper and in my mind,
she's only captured in Beta video tapes
and kodak film.
She's timeless and
haunting;
And she's left the front porch
light on for me,
and I just want to go home.
-- CLR 3.17.09