Fic: Take You Away (1)
Title: Take You Away
Pairings: Kesler/Burrows, Lapierre/Bieksa
Rating: Explicit
Summary: Ryan is in love with Alex, mirrored by the way Kevin loves Maxim, and it's bad, so bad, to be able to see all the terrible places they could go.
Another super long Canucks fic!! Not quite as long as NTBY, but, you know. Up there :D
Ryan only starts thinking about it because he sees it, so painfully clearly, in someone else. He’s only decided he has to do something because it’s just a matter of time before Alex finds out on his own, because if Ryan’s anything like Kevin, he’s miles from subtle. The way Kevin looks at Maxim - if Ryan’s anything like that with Alex, Alex will realize it at any second. He might already be able to see things Ryan thought were safely invisible, even though it doesn’t make any sense, that something like this could be overlooked when it’s just so - so big, so world-changing, so important, and maybe he shouldn’t hope it’s invisible, but he’s just - just so fucking scared.
“What’s there?” Alex asks from beside Ryan. Ryan tears his gaze away from the other row of seats, turns back to Alex. Alex was asleep on Ryan’s shoulder a moment ago, but now he’s yawning and looking up at Ryan. Ryan just - kind of loves it, when Alex falls asleep on him, feels like he’s being trusted to keep Alex safe, and he might not be allowed to hold Alex while he sleeps, but this, this keeps Ryan together, this is why he isn’t a torn-apart mess over Alex.
“Nothing.” He wants to kiss Alex’s forehead and pet over his hair until he falls back asleep, has to settle for squeezing his knee and smiling at him. Alex yawns again and drops his head back to Ryan’s shoulder. He’s exhausted, and Ryan kind of loves this, because Alex likes to cling when he’s really tired. In hotels, he wraps his arms around a pillow and is out within five minutes, and on the plane, he gets so close he’s practically in Ryan’s lap.
Once Alex is back asleep, Ryan looks back up the aisle to where Kevin and Maxim are sitting, up by the seats that are in groups of four facing each other. They’re the only ones in the row, and Maxim’s trying to build a card tower on the table. The way Kevin watches him, though, like every little movement of Maxim’s hands could change things, how he smiles every time Maxim manages to not knock over a card - he’s not looking at the cards, he’s looking at Maxim, he’s always looking at Maxim.
At least they’re finally landing in Vancouver, because Ryan can’t stand this anymore, can’t stand watching them and knowing he might be like that too, that maybe it’s obvious how much he loves Alex.
“Hey,” he murmurs to Alex, shakes his knee a little. “We’re here.” Alex mumbles something, fumbles with his seatbelt until Ryan reaches over and undoes it for him. He follows Ryan off the plane and to his car, because he always does, stays with Ryan when they get to Vancouver in the early morning. This trip back to Ryan’s apartment is one of Ryan’s favourite times, because it’s just them and everything is quiet, and it feels like they’re the only ones awake in the whole city, Alex looking at just him.
They go to bed as soon as they get to the apartment, Alex’s chatter fading into more frequent yawns. “Night,” Alex calls as he wanders off down the hallway towards the guest room, the one Ryan calls Alex’s room in his own mind, “euh, morning?”
“Still not sure,” Ryan says, wishes it didn’t hurt, watching Alex go into the other room. He wishes it at least felt wrong, but it just feels normal, because it’s not like Alex actually belongs in his bed. In the morning, Alex will wander into the kitchen and have cinnamon toast for breakfast, have no idea Ryan only keeps a cinnamon and sugar shaker in the kitchen because Alex likes it, and they’ll spend the morning watching stupid TV shows and going to the grocery store, where Alex will be as opinionated as if he lives with Ryan, and after practice, Ryan will come back here alone, because that’s the way things are supposed to go, that’s just what they are, him and Alex together only until they go their separate ways.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
Kevin’s only been asleep for fifteen minutes when his phone buzzes on the nightstand. He’s tempted to ignore it - even more tempted to break it - but when he picks it up, he sees Maxim’s name.
“What’s up, Maxi?” he answers, and he knows something’s wrong just from the way Maxim sighs, like he’s relieved Kevin’s involved now, like Kevin could fix it.
“I don’t have my housekey.”
“Okay.” Kevin hangs up the phone and tosses it aside, goes to unlock his front door. When he gets back in bed, his phone’s ringing, Maxim again. “Hey.”
“Can you, um, help?” Maxim asks, sounds so tired and frustrated and pleading.
“Yeah, I left my door unlocked for when you get here.” Kevin yawns, pulls the blankets up higher.
“Oh.” Maxim sighs out a breath, that relieved, happy sound. “Thanks. I didn’t realize.”
“What did you think I’d do when you said you were locked out?”
“Well, you hung up.”
“Because it’s understood that you were just giving me a heads up before coming over, Maxi.”
“Oh. Right. Okay, well. Be there in a few. Thanks,” Maxim adds before he hangs up, this tone Kevin loves, because it almost sounds like he’s thinking I’m so glad you’re here. He’s at Kevin’s door twenty minutes later, and Kevin goes to meet him even though it’s open.
“Hey,” Maxim says when he walks in, looks so tired; he’s stripped off his tie and his shirt sleeves are pushed back, and he holds tight when Kevin hugs him.
“You look beat. Go sleep,” he tells Maxim, and Maxim just nods, always willing to follow directions. Kevin grabs him an extra pillow for the guest room and wishes he could add more, could say come sleep in my bed, wishes that were something Maxim would want to do.
0o0o0o0o0
Ryan’s been… something. Alex isn’t sure what to call it, because Ryan’s been both overly quiet and weirdly talkative, fidgety and too thoughtful. He’s staring out the plane window, chewing his lip and drumming his fingers on the armrest, and if his silence wasn’t weird, the fact that the armrest’s down is odd enough all on its own. Alex just watches for a while, eyes on the armrest that shouldn’t be down until he shifts his gaze up, sees the edge of nervousness on Ryan’s face. He’s had to see this for an hour already, and Alex can’t take it, not knowing what’s wrong. They had a short homestand, a short roadtrip, and everything was normal, and suddenly - suddenly, something’s changed.
“What’s, euh,” he starts, already fumbling with the words. Sometimes, he just can’t work his way through a sentence, wants to throw down whatever he’s holding and babble out miles of French, plead enough that Ryan understands. “Ongoing?” he tries, winces. It sounds like a word, but not one he knows. Does he? Fuck, he can’t think straight, because Ryan’s eyes are dark and his muscles taut with restless nerves.
“Nothing,” Ryan answers, understanding anyways. Alex waits until Ryan looks over, actually sees him this time. Ryan sets his hand on the armrest like he’s going to push it up but stays motionless, and somehow, it hits harder than if Ryan had said I don’t know if I want you next to me.
“Please?” he asks, might be begging, but if that’s what it takes, he can get behind that. Ryan’s spent the flight looking out the window, too far away for Alex to lean against him, and it’s thrown everything off-balance.
“There’s-” Ryan starts, even though there’s nothing but hesitance on his face. “Someone,” he says, and Alex’s heart sinks. He’s always known there would be a someone, but it was easier when she didn’t have a name, when she hadn’t walked in yet, just footsteps Alex could hear outside the door, something sure to come but not in the room yet, and he still had a few moments of just him and Ryan before she opened the door and changed everything. And now - now, Ryan’s saying someone in this helpless, quiet voice, and it’s like she, whoever she is, is already here.
“A girl,” Alex says, fights to keep it stable and level. “And you are, euh, nervous over her?” He can recognise this on Ryan, has seen it before games, before the very last shift of a weighted game. He remembers the first time, too, remembers a flight when lightning lit up the sky, the first time Ryan turned to Alex without knowing what he needed, just that Alex would be the one to give it to him.
“I have no reason to be nervous,” Ryan says, doesn’t sound like he believes a word of it.
“What part?” Alex asks, and Ryan looks at him, so much reluctance on his face, it’s keeping Alex at a distance.
“Just one?”
“Start with one,” Alex says. He doesn’t know how he can live with hearing this, hearing what some girl is doing to make Ryan worry, but Alex doesn’t want that look of concern on Ryan’s face any longer. Ryan’s never entirely carefree, is the last person who needs more to worry about.
“One thing I’m nervous about?” Ryan asks, and Alex nods. Ryan gives him a long look before turning his gaze away. “Uh, kissing, I guess. That’s. Pretty nerve-wracking.”
“Ah.” Alex finds himself staring too much at Ryan’s lips, suddenly can’t look away.
“Yeah, so. That,” Ryan mumbles, turning towards the window again. Alex gently shifts Ryan’s hand off the armrest and pushes up the divider between them, touches the back of Ryan’s hand with three fingertips.
“You - don’t have to be. Nervous, I mean. She won’t. If she wants you to do it, she won’t care how.” Ryan kind of laughs, still sounds more anxious than anything else, this wrong state Alex wants to pull him from.
“Yeah, don’t be so sure. I’ve a feeling my kissing wouldn’t be so welcome.”
Alex tries not to hate her, this girl he doesn’t even know, but how could she be doing this? How could she stand to be so awful to Ryan that he thinks she doesn’t want him? Ryan’s hard to break through, and she has him weakening, she’s put him in the kind of broken-open way that he only shows to Alex, and Alex doesn’t want anyone else to be trusted with that, doesn’t think anyone else could ever handle it right.
“You must be wrong,” Alex tells him, “she can not be thinking this.”
“I’m not wrong,” Ryan says, this bitter, unhappy voice that breaks Alex’s heart all over again. As many times as it happens, he never does get used to the feeling. “I’ve just developed feelings for someone who just never would want to be kissed or touched by me. It’s just. That’s it.”
Alex bites his lip, doesn’t know how to keep himself from bursting out with you have to be wrong because you’re perfect and please kiss me forget her I want you so bad. He just can’t understand, how Ryan can think himself incompetent and undesirable when Alex wants him this much, two things that just can’t exist in the same world.
Ryan sighs out a slow breath, his gaze falling to where Alex’s fingertips are still touching his hand. Alex takes his hand away. “I’m sure, there’s a solution,” he says. Ryan looks away.
“There’s a solution all right,” he says, and Alex knows he’s not thinking of one where he gets what he wants.
0o0o0o0o
They landed in Vancouver around two, which is earlier than they usually get back, but Ryan still ends up sleeping in absurdly late the next morning. When he wanders into the kitchen at ten, it’s empty, and for a second he’s so irritated, because he slept through his favourite thing about coming back home, a morning with Alex. Then, though, he hears the telltale sound of reality TV from the living room, and the whole day’s saved. Alex has a strange taste for reality TV, even though the English is too fast and too colloquial for him to ever really get what’s going on. It usually requires a summary from Ryan, and he doesn’t mind, because he has Alex’s rapt attention while he gives it.
“Which one is this?” he asks from the doorway.
“Euh, I’m not sure,” Alex replies, which is a little odd, because he always pays really close attention, and even Ryan can tell it’s one of the housewives shows. “Hear,” Alex says, sitting up and looking over the back of the couch.
“Listen?”
“Oui, listen. I am thinking, you and this girl and kissing her. All you have to do, you need to not be nervous.”
“It’s not that easy, Alex…” he sighs out. He needs to find a way to backtrack on this, because somehow, Alex has the idea that there’s a girl, which is both laughable and tragic. Ryan doesn’t know how much more of this he can take, looking at Alex and saying it’ll never work out, because Alex looks at him with so much sympathy and it’s Alex that’s breaking him.
“Mais oui! Just tell her, how you are feeling!”
“I could never.”
“Just, kiss her!” Alex has hopped up off the couch, come over to tell Ryan this, and his eyes are bright like when he’s excited about something, which just makes this whole conversation hurt more.
“Pretty sure I’d just get punched in the face.”
“You can not be this bad at kissing,” Alex protests, but Ryan shakes his head.
“You’d be surprised,” he says, wishes he could even imagine what it’d be like to kiss Alex, that it wasn’t so impossible he can’t even have an invented idea of what it’d be like.
“It is easy,” Alex insists, seems convinced. The irony kind of hurts, Alex saying it is easy when Ryan’s right in front of him, as incapable of kissing Alex as he’s ever been. “I can be showing you,” Alex says. Ryan frowns, because that would be just perfect, if Alex has a girlfriend he didn’t know about, just another way for this to go wrong.
“Easy,” Ryan repeats helplessly.
“Yes! Can I?”
“Sure,” Ryan says, wonders idly how much more this could hurt.
And then - then Alex grabs him by the shoulders and kisses him, hard and fast and oh God did that really happen? It’s over before Ryan can even figure it out, and all he can do is stare, speechless, as Alex says “You see? Is not so hard,” like the ground didn’t just fall away from under them.
“I- I- there’s no way. I couldn’t do that. No,” he stammers out, open-mouthed. Alex just - just kissed him, how is this happening?
“Of course, yes! You just need to not worry. You can try, practice.”
“Practice,” Ryan repeats faintly. Is Alex - he’s telling Ryan - to kiss him? Is he really doing this?
“Yes! If you want, c’est, to practice?” Alex seems like he’s actually okay with this, how is he, Ryan can’t form a response. And Alex shouldn’t - shouldn’t be believing something that isn’t true, but Ryan just can’t turn down kissing Alex, because it’s Alex and he just wants this so much.
“Yeah, okay,” Ryan manages, kind of can’t breathe, he’s going to kiss Alex, Alex is telling him he can, Ryan wants to so fucking much, Alex can’t be doing this because he wants to, he’s just being nice, but Ryan just - just - kissing Alex, he needs it. He leans in and presses his lips to Alex’s, fast and not enough, but for a second, he’s kissing Alex, he’s really kissing Alex. “Like - like that?” he asks, the words trembling.
“Pas mal,” Alex says, “euh, not bad. But more - powerful? Forceful. Like,” he says, and Ryan’s heart beats faster, because is Alex going to show him? Oh, please, let Alex show him - Alex yanks him close again, kisses him again, and it’s still fast but the way Alex holds onto him, this is like what Ryan wants. Ryan can’t help but cling to him because he can barely stand, knees suddenly really weak because oh God Alex is kissing him he’s kissing him - “You see?” Alex says when he pulls back, and it’s all Ryan can do to keep from following Alex’s mouth with his own. “Now, you - are to be trying.”
“Okay,” Ryan manages, kind of lightheaded. He has to hold onto Alex’s shirt tight just so he doesn’t sway, can’t breathe.
“Here,” Alex tugs on his wrist, “let’s sit, it will be, euh, more easy.” He leads Ryan over to the couch, and Ryan sinks down beside him. “See, if you are, with her, on a couch, like this.” He scoots in close, guides one of Ryan’s hands to his hip. Ryan settles the other on the back of Alex’s neck before he realises what he’s doing, but Alex just nods, says “oui, like that,” luckily before Ryan can yank Alex into his lap and kiss him, tellingly and hopelessly. He needs to - act unsure, like he needs instruction - he needs Alex to kiss him - he tries to slow down, just breathe and wait for Alex to tell him what to do.
“Should I?” he asks, and when Alex nods, Ryan has to force himself not to tug Alex into his lap, kissing him long and deep. Ryan settles for kissing him carefully, fingers flexing against Alex as he tries not to grab him too tight. Alex opens his mouth a little, and every last scrap of control Ryan had vanishes. He licks into Alex’s mouth and kisses him hard, and oh, God, how did he live without knowing that Alex tastes like sweet tea and cinnamon toast, and how could Ryan never know this fitting taste, because Alex tastes like the mornings they spend together. Ryan finally gets to kiss Alex just the way he’s always wanted to, and when they part for a breath, he’s almost sure it never happened, too good to be real.
“Euh, maybe,” Alex says, “less tongue?” That stings, because Alex is the only person Ryan cares about kissing, and if he doesn’t think Ryan’s good, what’s the point - “Try again,” Alex says, so Ryan does, knows he has to be imagining Alex leaning into him. “No, more than that,” Alex says when they part again. Ryan doesn’t know what to do but kiss him the way he did a second ago, so he just does it again, just like before. “Oui, better,” Alex says. It’s confusing, and Ryan hasn’t learned a thing, but what the fuck ever, he’s kissing Alex.
And - and oh, that sound, did Alex really make that little sighing sound, was that really because of Ryan?
“Yeah, so,” Alex says, pulls back, “this is good, but, euh. We can practice, because you are nervous.” Ryan doesn’t really see how practicing with Alex will ever work on his nerves because kissing Alex, he’s always going to be anxious and excitable. “I, euh, am happy to work on this, with you, Ryan. How long it ever takes.”
And - and okay, that stings a little, because, really? Is he that bad that he needs constant practice? But - oh, he doesn’t care, he always wants to kiss Alex always always always.
“Okay,” he says, hopes he doesn’t sound too breathless. “We can, uh. Practice. More. Also. Yeah.”
“Good!” Alex smiles radiantly at him.
“Alex, you’re, um. The best,” Ryan stammers out, hurriedly adds, “friend. Best friend I could have. So, um,” he realises suddenly his hands are still on Alex and he pulls away hastily. “Anyhow, I’m gonna go take a shower before practice.”
“Euh, good idea,” Alex says, “me too.”
Ryan heads off to his room, hears Alex go down the hallway. Ryan’s got his hand on his dick the second he gets in the shower, because oh, fuck, kissing Alex, it’s so fucking good and it’s everything he wants and he knows now, what Alex tastes like and how he kisses, so fast it’s almost frantic and the little sound he made, Ryan knows it’s not because Alex was kissing him specifically but Alex - fuck, Ryan’s already so hard, aching with it, because now, now he knows what Alex tastes like, and he tastes so good - Ryan comes in less than a minute, gasping for breath and leaning against the wall for support.
Afterwards, he tries not to stammer and turn red because he wonders if Alex knows what he was just doing, if Alex knows why, and when Alex smiles at him in the kitchen, Ryan knows he must have no idea.
Pairings: Kesler/Burrows, Lapierre/Bieksa
Rating: Explicit
Summary: Ryan is in love with Alex, mirrored by the way Kevin loves Maxim, and it's bad, so bad, to be able to see all the terrible places they could go.
Another super long Canucks fic!! Not quite as long as NTBY, but, you know. Up there :D
Ryan only starts thinking about it because he sees it, so painfully clearly, in someone else. He’s only decided he has to do something because it’s just a matter of time before Alex finds out on his own, because if Ryan’s anything like Kevin, he’s miles from subtle. The way Kevin looks at Maxim - if Ryan’s anything like that with Alex, Alex will realize it at any second. He might already be able to see things Ryan thought were safely invisible, even though it doesn’t make any sense, that something like this could be overlooked when it’s just so - so big, so world-changing, so important, and maybe he shouldn’t hope it’s invisible, but he’s just - just so fucking scared.
“What’s there?” Alex asks from beside Ryan. Ryan tears his gaze away from the other row of seats, turns back to Alex. Alex was asleep on Ryan’s shoulder a moment ago, but now he’s yawning and looking up at Ryan. Ryan just - kind of loves it, when Alex falls asleep on him, feels like he’s being trusted to keep Alex safe, and he might not be allowed to hold Alex while he sleeps, but this, this keeps Ryan together, this is why he isn’t a torn-apart mess over Alex.
“Nothing.” He wants to kiss Alex’s forehead and pet over his hair until he falls back asleep, has to settle for squeezing his knee and smiling at him. Alex yawns again and drops his head back to Ryan’s shoulder. He’s exhausted, and Ryan kind of loves this, because Alex likes to cling when he’s really tired. In hotels, he wraps his arms around a pillow and is out within five minutes, and on the plane, he gets so close he’s practically in Ryan’s lap.
Once Alex is back asleep, Ryan looks back up the aisle to where Kevin and Maxim are sitting, up by the seats that are in groups of four facing each other. They’re the only ones in the row, and Maxim’s trying to build a card tower on the table. The way Kevin watches him, though, like every little movement of Maxim’s hands could change things, how he smiles every time Maxim manages to not knock over a card - he’s not looking at the cards, he’s looking at Maxim, he’s always looking at Maxim.
At least they’re finally landing in Vancouver, because Ryan can’t stand this anymore, can’t stand watching them and knowing he might be like that too, that maybe it’s obvious how much he loves Alex.
“Hey,” he murmurs to Alex, shakes his knee a little. “We’re here.” Alex mumbles something, fumbles with his seatbelt until Ryan reaches over and undoes it for him. He follows Ryan off the plane and to his car, because he always does, stays with Ryan when they get to Vancouver in the early morning. This trip back to Ryan’s apartment is one of Ryan’s favourite times, because it’s just them and everything is quiet, and it feels like they’re the only ones awake in the whole city, Alex looking at just him.
They go to bed as soon as they get to the apartment, Alex’s chatter fading into more frequent yawns. “Night,” Alex calls as he wanders off down the hallway towards the guest room, the one Ryan calls Alex’s room in his own mind, “euh, morning?”
“Still not sure,” Ryan says, wishes it didn’t hurt, watching Alex go into the other room. He wishes it at least felt wrong, but it just feels normal, because it’s not like Alex actually belongs in his bed. In the morning, Alex will wander into the kitchen and have cinnamon toast for breakfast, have no idea Ryan only keeps a cinnamon and sugar shaker in the kitchen because Alex likes it, and they’ll spend the morning watching stupid TV shows and going to the grocery store, where Alex will be as opinionated as if he lives with Ryan, and after practice, Ryan will come back here alone, because that’s the way things are supposed to go, that’s just what they are, him and Alex together only until they go their separate ways.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
Kevin’s only been asleep for fifteen minutes when his phone buzzes on the nightstand. He’s tempted to ignore it - even more tempted to break it - but when he picks it up, he sees Maxim’s name.
“What’s up, Maxi?” he answers, and he knows something’s wrong just from the way Maxim sighs, like he’s relieved Kevin’s involved now, like Kevin could fix it.
“I don’t have my housekey.”
“Okay.” Kevin hangs up the phone and tosses it aside, goes to unlock his front door. When he gets back in bed, his phone’s ringing, Maxim again. “Hey.”
“Can you, um, help?” Maxim asks, sounds so tired and frustrated and pleading.
“Yeah, I left my door unlocked for when you get here.” Kevin yawns, pulls the blankets up higher.
“Oh.” Maxim sighs out a breath, that relieved, happy sound. “Thanks. I didn’t realize.”
“What did you think I’d do when you said you were locked out?”
“Well, you hung up.”
“Because it’s understood that you were just giving me a heads up before coming over, Maxi.”
“Oh. Right. Okay, well. Be there in a few. Thanks,” Maxim adds before he hangs up, this tone Kevin loves, because it almost sounds like he’s thinking I’m so glad you’re here. He’s at Kevin’s door twenty minutes later, and Kevin goes to meet him even though it’s open.
“Hey,” Maxim says when he walks in, looks so tired; he’s stripped off his tie and his shirt sleeves are pushed back, and he holds tight when Kevin hugs him.
“You look beat. Go sleep,” he tells Maxim, and Maxim just nods, always willing to follow directions. Kevin grabs him an extra pillow for the guest room and wishes he could add more, could say come sleep in my bed, wishes that were something Maxim would want to do.
0o0o0o0o0
Ryan’s been… something. Alex isn’t sure what to call it, because Ryan’s been both overly quiet and weirdly talkative, fidgety and too thoughtful. He’s staring out the plane window, chewing his lip and drumming his fingers on the armrest, and if his silence wasn’t weird, the fact that the armrest’s down is odd enough all on its own. Alex just watches for a while, eyes on the armrest that shouldn’t be down until he shifts his gaze up, sees the edge of nervousness on Ryan’s face. He’s had to see this for an hour already, and Alex can’t take it, not knowing what’s wrong. They had a short homestand, a short roadtrip, and everything was normal, and suddenly - suddenly, something’s changed.
“What’s, euh,” he starts, already fumbling with the words. Sometimes, he just can’t work his way through a sentence, wants to throw down whatever he’s holding and babble out miles of French, plead enough that Ryan understands. “Ongoing?” he tries, winces. It sounds like a word, but not one he knows. Does he? Fuck, he can’t think straight, because Ryan’s eyes are dark and his muscles taut with restless nerves.
“Nothing,” Ryan answers, understanding anyways. Alex waits until Ryan looks over, actually sees him this time. Ryan sets his hand on the armrest like he’s going to push it up but stays motionless, and somehow, it hits harder than if Ryan had said I don’t know if I want you next to me.
“Please?” he asks, might be begging, but if that’s what it takes, he can get behind that. Ryan’s spent the flight looking out the window, too far away for Alex to lean against him, and it’s thrown everything off-balance.
“There’s-” Ryan starts, even though there’s nothing but hesitance on his face. “Someone,” he says, and Alex’s heart sinks. He’s always known there would be a someone, but it was easier when she didn’t have a name, when she hadn’t walked in yet, just footsteps Alex could hear outside the door, something sure to come but not in the room yet, and he still had a few moments of just him and Ryan before she opened the door and changed everything. And now - now, Ryan’s saying someone in this helpless, quiet voice, and it’s like she, whoever she is, is already here.
“A girl,” Alex says, fights to keep it stable and level. “And you are, euh, nervous over her?” He can recognise this on Ryan, has seen it before games, before the very last shift of a weighted game. He remembers the first time, too, remembers a flight when lightning lit up the sky, the first time Ryan turned to Alex without knowing what he needed, just that Alex would be the one to give it to him.
“I have no reason to be nervous,” Ryan says, doesn’t sound like he believes a word of it.
“What part?” Alex asks, and Ryan looks at him, so much reluctance on his face, it’s keeping Alex at a distance.
“Just one?”
“Start with one,” Alex says. He doesn’t know how he can live with hearing this, hearing what some girl is doing to make Ryan worry, but Alex doesn’t want that look of concern on Ryan’s face any longer. Ryan’s never entirely carefree, is the last person who needs more to worry about.
“One thing I’m nervous about?” Ryan asks, and Alex nods. Ryan gives him a long look before turning his gaze away. “Uh, kissing, I guess. That’s. Pretty nerve-wracking.”
“Ah.” Alex finds himself staring too much at Ryan’s lips, suddenly can’t look away.
“Yeah, so. That,” Ryan mumbles, turning towards the window again. Alex gently shifts Ryan’s hand off the armrest and pushes up the divider between them, touches the back of Ryan’s hand with three fingertips.
“You - don’t have to be. Nervous, I mean. She won’t. If she wants you to do it, she won’t care how.” Ryan kind of laughs, still sounds more anxious than anything else, this wrong state Alex wants to pull him from.
“Yeah, don’t be so sure. I’ve a feeling my kissing wouldn’t be so welcome.”
Alex tries not to hate her, this girl he doesn’t even know, but how could she be doing this? How could she stand to be so awful to Ryan that he thinks she doesn’t want him? Ryan’s hard to break through, and she has him weakening, she’s put him in the kind of broken-open way that he only shows to Alex, and Alex doesn’t want anyone else to be trusted with that, doesn’t think anyone else could ever handle it right.
“You must be wrong,” Alex tells him, “she can not be thinking this.”
“I’m not wrong,” Ryan says, this bitter, unhappy voice that breaks Alex’s heart all over again. As many times as it happens, he never does get used to the feeling. “I’ve just developed feelings for someone who just never would want to be kissed or touched by me. It’s just. That’s it.”
Alex bites his lip, doesn’t know how to keep himself from bursting out with you have to be wrong because you’re perfect and please kiss me forget her I want you so bad. He just can’t understand, how Ryan can think himself incompetent and undesirable when Alex wants him this much, two things that just can’t exist in the same world.
Ryan sighs out a slow breath, his gaze falling to where Alex’s fingertips are still touching his hand. Alex takes his hand away. “I’m sure, there’s a solution,” he says. Ryan looks away.
“There’s a solution all right,” he says, and Alex knows he’s not thinking of one where he gets what he wants.
0o0o0o0o
They landed in Vancouver around two, which is earlier than they usually get back, but Ryan still ends up sleeping in absurdly late the next morning. When he wanders into the kitchen at ten, it’s empty, and for a second he’s so irritated, because he slept through his favourite thing about coming back home, a morning with Alex. Then, though, he hears the telltale sound of reality TV from the living room, and the whole day’s saved. Alex has a strange taste for reality TV, even though the English is too fast and too colloquial for him to ever really get what’s going on. It usually requires a summary from Ryan, and he doesn’t mind, because he has Alex’s rapt attention while he gives it.
“Which one is this?” he asks from the doorway.
“Euh, I’m not sure,” Alex replies, which is a little odd, because he always pays really close attention, and even Ryan can tell it’s one of the housewives shows. “Hear,” Alex says, sitting up and looking over the back of the couch.
“Listen?”
“Oui, listen. I am thinking, you and this girl and kissing her. All you have to do, you need to not be nervous.”
“It’s not that easy, Alex…” he sighs out. He needs to find a way to backtrack on this, because somehow, Alex has the idea that there’s a girl, which is both laughable and tragic. Ryan doesn’t know how much more of this he can take, looking at Alex and saying it’ll never work out, because Alex looks at him with so much sympathy and it’s Alex that’s breaking him.
“Mais oui! Just tell her, how you are feeling!”
“I could never.”
“Just, kiss her!” Alex has hopped up off the couch, come over to tell Ryan this, and his eyes are bright like when he’s excited about something, which just makes this whole conversation hurt more.
“Pretty sure I’d just get punched in the face.”
“You can not be this bad at kissing,” Alex protests, but Ryan shakes his head.
“You’d be surprised,” he says, wishes he could even imagine what it’d be like to kiss Alex, that it wasn’t so impossible he can’t even have an invented idea of what it’d be like.
“It is easy,” Alex insists, seems convinced. The irony kind of hurts, Alex saying it is easy when Ryan’s right in front of him, as incapable of kissing Alex as he’s ever been. “I can be showing you,” Alex says. Ryan frowns, because that would be just perfect, if Alex has a girlfriend he didn’t know about, just another way for this to go wrong.
“Easy,” Ryan repeats helplessly.
“Yes! Can I?”
“Sure,” Ryan says, wonders idly how much more this could hurt.
And then - then Alex grabs him by the shoulders and kisses him, hard and fast and oh God did that really happen? It’s over before Ryan can even figure it out, and all he can do is stare, speechless, as Alex says “You see? Is not so hard,” like the ground didn’t just fall away from under them.
“I- I- there’s no way. I couldn’t do that. No,” he stammers out, open-mouthed. Alex just - just kissed him, how is this happening?
“Of course, yes! You just need to not worry. You can try, practice.”
“Practice,” Ryan repeats faintly. Is Alex - he’s telling Ryan - to kiss him? Is he really doing this?
“Yes! If you want, c’est, to practice?” Alex seems like he’s actually okay with this, how is he, Ryan can’t form a response. And Alex shouldn’t - shouldn’t be believing something that isn’t true, but Ryan just can’t turn down kissing Alex, because it’s Alex and he just wants this so much.
“Yeah, okay,” Ryan manages, kind of can’t breathe, he’s going to kiss Alex, Alex is telling him he can, Ryan wants to so fucking much, Alex can’t be doing this because he wants to, he’s just being nice, but Ryan just - just - kissing Alex, he needs it. He leans in and presses his lips to Alex’s, fast and not enough, but for a second, he’s kissing Alex, he’s really kissing Alex. “Like - like that?” he asks, the words trembling.
“Pas mal,” Alex says, “euh, not bad. But more - powerful? Forceful. Like,” he says, and Ryan’s heart beats faster, because is Alex going to show him? Oh, please, let Alex show him - Alex yanks him close again, kisses him again, and it’s still fast but the way Alex holds onto him, this is like what Ryan wants. Ryan can’t help but cling to him because he can barely stand, knees suddenly really weak because oh God Alex is kissing him he’s kissing him - “You see?” Alex says when he pulls back, and it’s all Ryan can do to keep from following Alex’s mouth with his own. “Now, you - are to be trying.”
“Okay,” Ryan manages, kind of lightheaded. He has to hold onto Alex’s shirt tight just so he doesn’t sway, can’t breathe.
“Here,” Alex tugs on his wrist, “let’s sit, it will be, euh, more easy.” He leads Ryan over to the couch, and Ryan sinks down beside him. “See, if you are, with her, on a couch, like this.” He scoots in close, guides one of Ryan’s hands to his hip. Ryan settles the other on the back of Alex’s neck before he realises what he’s doing, but Alex just nods, says “oui, like that,” luckily before Ryan can yank Alex into his lap and kiss him, tellingly and hopelessly. He needs to - act unsure, like he needs instruction - he needs Alex to kiss him - he tries to slow down, just breathe and wait for Alex to tell him what to do.
“Should I?” he asks, and when Alex nods, Ryan has to force himself not to tug Alex into his lap, kissing him long and deep. Ryan settles for kissing him carefully, fingers flexing against Alex as he tries not to grab him too tight. Alex opens his mouth a little, and every last scrap of control Ryan had vanishes. He licks into Alex’s mouth and kisses him hard, and oh, God, how did he live without knowing that Alex tastes like sweet tea and cinnamon toast, and how could Ryan never know this fitting taste, because Alex tastes like the mornings they spend together. Ryan finally gets to kiss Alex just the way he’s always wanted to, and when they part for a breath, he’s almost sure it never happened, too good to be real.
“Euh, maybe,” Alex says, “less tongue?” That stings, because Alex is the only person Ryan cares about kissing, and if he doesn’t think Ryan’s good, what’s the point - “Try again,” Alex says, so Ryan does, knows he has to be imagining Alex leaning into him. “No, more than that,” Alex says when they part again. Ryan doesn’t know what to do but kiss him the way he did a second ago, so he just does it again, just like before. “Oui, better,” Alex says. It’s confusing, and Ryan hasn’t learned a thing, but what the fuck ever, he’s kissing Alex.
And - and oh, that sound, did Alex really make that little sighing sound, was that really because of Ryan?
“Yeah, so,” Alex says, pulls back, “this is good, but, euh. We can practice, because you are nervous.” Ryan doesn’t really see how practicing with Alex will ever work on his nerves because kissing Alex, he’s always going to be anxious and excitable. “I, euh, am happy to work on this, with you, Ryan. How long it ever takes.”
And - and okay, that stings a little, because, really? Is he that bad that he needs constant practice? But - oh, he doesn’t care, he always wants to kiss Alex always always always.
“Okay,” he says, hopes he doesn’t sound too breathless. “We can, uh. Practice. More. Also. Yeah.”
“Good!” Alex smiles radiantly at him.
“Alex, you’re, um. The best,” Ryan stammers out, hurriedly adds, “friend. Best friend I could have. So, um,” he realises suddenly his hands are still on Alex and he pulls away hastily. “Anyhow, I’m gonna go take a shower before practice.”
“Euh, good idea,” Alex says, “me too.”
Ryan heads off to his room, hears Alex go down the hallway. Ryan’s got his hand on his dick the second he gets in the shower, because oh, fuck, kissing Alex, it’s so fucking good and it’s everything he wants and he knows now, what Alex tastes like and how he kisses, so fast it’s almost frantic and the little sound he made, Ryan knows it’s not because Alex was kissing him specifically but Alex - fuck, Ryan’s already so hard, aching with it, because now, now he knows what Alex tastes like, and he tastes so good - Ryan comes in less than a minute, gasping for breath and leaning against the wall for support.
Afterwards, he tries not to stammer and turn red because he wonders if Alex knows what he was just doing, if Alex knows why, and when Alex smiles at him in the kitchen, Ryan knows he must have no idea.