Fic: Take You Away (11)
Alex wakes up to an empty bed. For a second, he’s terrified - maybe he went too far? Did he do too much, but oh, Ryan sounded so sad, Alex couldn’t do anything but hold him and just pray that would help - but then he sees that the other bed is neatly made, never slept in, and he can breathe again. The washroom door is open, and he slides out of bed and goes over, smiles when he sees Ryan brushing his teeth at the sink, a towel around his waist, his hair still wet from the shower.
“Hey,” Alex yawns, wraps his arms around Ryan from behind. God, Ryan’s skin is so warm and soft, and Alex presses his cheek to the back of Ryan’s shoulder, breathes in deep. “How’re you feeling? Okay?” He wants Ryan to be okay, needs him to be - his poor Ryan, rejected by someone too stupid to understand how he’s someone to hold onto, to thank fate for every day. If Ryan wanted Alex - Alex shuts his eyes, doesn’t let himself think about that. Ryan covers Alex’s hand with his, squeezes gently. Ryan nods, not comforting enough for Alex, wishes he was more than just okay. “It’ll be better, I promise.” He can’t, though, that’s the worst part - he can’t promise you’ll be okay, even if the person you love more than anything doesn’t want you. Alex himself is only surviving that because he gets to see Ryan nearly every single day, and he’s never even seen this guy Ryan’s in love with, so Ryan must not get to see him nearly as often as he needs.
He lets go of Ryan but can’t bring himself to leave, tries not to stare openly as Ryan bends over the sink to rinse out his mouth. It’s just - seeing Ryan in just a towel, it’s so hard not to think about - about all that bare skin and getting tangled in sheets and staying pressed against him all night long.
Ryan turns to him, just wraps his arms around Alex, drops his head to Alex’s shoulder. It’s all Alex can do not to cry, because it hurts, how sad Ryan is, how he’s so quiet and serious, and Alex knows that what he’s lost, that would hurt so, so badly. Just the thought of losing Ryan makes Alex unsteady and terrified and he still has Ryan, but Ryan - he’s lost his chance with the love of his life.
“It’ll be okay,” Alex says quietly, smoothes his hand over Ryan’s back slowly. “Mon pauvre. You’ll be okay.”
“I dunno what I’d do without you,” Ryan mumbles against Alex’s shoulder. Alex cards his fingers through Ryan’s wet hair, barely resists kissing him, and when he shifts around just a little, Ryan whimpers like he’s afraid Alex is going to let go.
“Well, you are never having to find out,” he promises, hugs Ryan tight.
Morning skate goes okay, even though it takes a little extra effort to focus. Alex is glad when it’s over, because he can’t stand how quiet Ryan is when he can’t do anything about it. Ryan gets off the ice first, waits by the bench for him, and he must be thinking about that guy because he just looks so sad, looking down and frowning. Alex hops off the ice beside him and wraps his arms around Ryan. He’s always loved how Ryan looks in all his gear, so big and intimidating, but oh, it just makes it even sadder, how crushed Ryan looks, couldn’t protect himself from this. Ryan hugs him back hard, and Alex wants so badly to lean up and kiss him, forces himself not to.
The way Ryan smiles at him, Alex loves it; maybe this makes him selfish, but some part of him is glad that there’s no one he has to share that with anymore. If this guy hurt Ryan, it’s not like he deserved this smile anyways, and it can be just Alex’s again. He’ll never know why he’s lucky enough to get it, but oh, thank God he does.
“It’ll be okay,” Alex says, tries not to snuggle up to him, even though it’s so hard to suppress that instinct.
“Thanks,” Ryan hugs him tight, and Alex is just so overwhelmingly happy that Ryan sounds okay. He tilts his head back to kiss Ryan’s jaw, pulls away at the very last second - he can’t do this, Ryan doesn’t want this, and Alex lets go reluctantly. Ryan smiles at him, and for the millionth time, Alex wonders how anyone could turn him down. He wouldn’t, but that doesn’t matter, because he’s not the one being given a chance with Ryan.
At lunch with the team, Alex ends up across from Ryan and beside Maxim, like usual. And Alex is just - fuck, he’s so jealous of what Maxim has with Kevin.
“Hey,” he says, when Kevin and Ryan are busy arguing about something - racist vegetables? Alex really doesn’t want to know - “so you and Kevin are….” he says in French, trails off. It’s always easier to find the words in French than English, but it’s strange, that even when he’s stumbling over words and grammar in English, talking to Ryan is always the easiest.
“Yeah,” Maxim says, smiles, the one he has only when he’s around Kevin.
“That must be - really good,” Alex hopes he doesn’t sound jealous, even though it’s all he feels.
“It’s - something,” Maxim says, and Alex thinks he’s being flippant until he looks up, sees the way Maxim’s looking at Kevin. Something, he said, because he can’t describe something like this, because there are no words for what they have, this thing Alex knows only in absence, because it’s what he wants with Ryan, will never have.
0o0o0o
Ryan’s supposed to be heartbroken. He’s trying to remember that, even though he’s just so fucking happy, because Alex is still here and still his friend and Alex has been hugging him all morning, little moments that suddenly become amazing when Alex wraps his arms around him. And this isn’t practice, this - maybe this is Alex doing it because he wants to, maybe, in some small way, Alex wants to do this. He’s been touching Ryan and saying sweet things and telling him I found this restaurant in LA we should go to when we go there, all these things he wants to do, not because Ryan asked him to, because Alex wants to. Back at the hotel before the game, Ryan sits on his bed, Alex on the other, trying to change some setting on his phone.
“Ryan,” Alex says, looks up, “this guy, do you still - are having feelings for him?” Oh, the caring in his voice, Ryan could get lost in it, just loves him.
“Yeah,” Ryan drops his gaze to his lap, just can’t meet Alex’s gaze or he’s going to spill everything. “I - I always will. There’ll never - be anyone but him for me.” Just you, he thinks, always just you, and he’s always known this, because since he met Alex, Ryan’s known he’s the only one.
“Ryan,” Alex murmurs, and then he’s climbing onto the bed beside Ryan, wraps his arms around him. Ryan just melts whenever Alex touches him, Alex just holds him so tight and he smells good and he’s so gentle, and Ryan just loves him. It’s just so hard to pretend he doesn’t love Alex when Alex is holding him like this, so hard to hide. “I - know, this is hard. I know how this feels.” Ryan darts a look up at him, and Alex is biting his lip, looking away. “I was in love with someone, and it - it did not work, because - he does not love me, but I - I still love him.”
Ryan’s speechless for a moment - Alex - Alex likes guys, he actually does - Alex likes guys but not him, and Alex is in love, still in love, and Ryan just - he can barely think. This explains why Alex never dates, and he wants to be surprised Alex has never mentioned it, but he didn’t tell Alex this same thing himself, can’t really wonder that. And Alex - oh, his poor Alex. He would never want Alex to feel what he does, loving someone that doesn’t love him back, and who would do this to Alex? Ryan’s just - fuck, he’s angry with this guy, who the fuck wouldn’t love Alex? How could he turn down Alex, who’s sweet and perfect and the best thing anyone could be lucky enough to have, and fuck this guy for throwing that away, for hurting Alex, because who could hurt Alex? He’s the sweetest person Ryan’s ever known, the only one he’ll ever want, and there’s someone out there who had him and didn’t want him.
But - if Alex likes guys, maybe Ryan can be good enough. Maybe he can be everything he wants, maybe Alex will let Ryan love him, because he might not be the guy Alex loves, but he’s something, he loves Alex so much, wants to do everything he can to make Alex happy.
“What was he like?” he asks, wants to be just like that guy so he can be what Alex might like, but he wants Alex, not like the fucking moron who tossed him aside.
“Perfect,” Alex says quietly, “he’s - so sweet, and caring, so much.” Okay, Ryan can do that, maybe Alex would actually like it, if Ryan let himself take care of Alex the way he wants. Ryan hates the guy that gave up Alex, but he’s - oh, he’s so glad that he might have a chance with Alex now, that this guy who didn’t deserve Alex anyways doesn’t get him, and maybe Ryan can have Alex, maybe gets to love him. “Just so perfect,” Alex mumbles. Ryan want so badly to kiss him, wants to comfort Alex any way he can. Oh, his poor sweet Alex, living with a broken heart every day and never showing it. I just wish you were mine, he thinks, hugs Alex tighter, I wish you never got hurt. He wants to kiss Alex, wants to so much, but - but he can’t, doesn’t dare, just barely controls himself - he just can’t risk Alex like that, can’t ruin them.
“I’m so sorry,” Ryan says, “why didn’t you ever tell me?”
“It was just so long ago.” Alex sounds so sad, Ryan hates it, doesn’t ever want Alex to be hurt. He pulls Alex closer to his side, strokes his back gently. Alex sighs out a slow breath, so quiet.
“I just,” Ryan breathes, turns his face against Alex’s neck, lips against Alex’s skin. “I just don’t understand,” he says, because how could anyone not want Alex? How? How could anyone resist him, he can’t imagine anyone not loving Alex. “I just - don’t understand.”
“Understand what?”
“I just- don’t…”
“But what?” Alex asks, so soft.
“I don’t understand how… that could happen. It seems impossible to me.”
“That I’m - still in love with him?” Alex asks, and Ryan nearly flinches. Oh, poor Alex, this guy doesn’t deserve him.
“That - how could anyone hurt you?” Ryan says, wants to plead with the whole universe for an answer - how? “I’d never hurt you, Alex,” he adds, can’t help it. “You know that, right?” Alex ducks his head, sniffles.
“I know,” he says, and when Ryan looks up, he sees tears trailing down Alex’s cheeks. Ryan wipes away Alex’s tears with his thumb, cups Alex’s face in his hands.
“Why’re you crying?” he asks, and Alex’s gaze darts up to his for a moment before falling.
“I wish I can be telling you it gets better, loving someone you can’t have,” Alex says, still sniffling, eyes filled with tears, “but it doesn’t.” Oh, this is the worst, Ryan can’t fix this, and he hates that, hates that there’s nothing he can do.
“Listen to me, Alex. That guy’s a fucking moron. I want to talk to him,” he says, “on the phone, even, so you don’t have to worry about me hitting him.”
“Ryan,” Alex says, “it’s not his fault he doesn’t love me.”
“Then whose fault is it?” It has to be that guy, unless maybe there’s someone who forced him to pretend he wasn’t in love with Alex. And Alex - he starts sobbing. “Okay, I’m sorry, I won’t talk to him,” Ryan backtracks fast, holds Alex close against him and strokes down his back gently. “Please don’t be sad,” he nearly pleads, “I can’t take it, Alex, you’re never supposed to be like this.”
“It’s my fault,” Alex whimpers out, and Ryan doesn’t - doesn’t understand.
“H-how?” he stammers out.
“Because, if I were - was - enough - good enough - he would,” Alex says weakly, still sobbing. Ryan pulls back to meet his gaze, heart breaking at the sight of Alex crying.
“How could you be better? How?” There’s just no way Alex could be better, because he’s already perfect, so flawless Ryan can’t believe it.
“If I knew this, Ryan, would I still be like this after seven years?” Alex mumbles, only faintly accusatory. Ryan strokes his fingertips along Alex’s jaw, wants to kiss him, promise you’re perfect, don’t ever let him think otherwise, you’re so perfect babe, you are.
“You could not be any better,” he says firmly, needs Alex to never, never be sad about this again. “No one could. And this is just so you, to think there must be something wrong with you when really, the guy’s just an asshole. Alex - I’m sorry, okay, but he is - if he wasn’t completely in love with you, he’s defective.” Alex sniffles, eyes still bright with tears, but at least he isn’t sobbing anymore. “And - I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to forget about that guy, you’re so special and there are tons of guys out there who’d appreciate you and love you so much, like you deserve.” He skims his thumb over Alex’s cheek, wipes away the last of his tears. God, his poor Alex, how could that guy live with himself, making Alex cry? “I wish you’d give one a chance, you deserve to be happy,” he says softly, wishes he could beg give someone a chance, but only as long as it’s me.
“Maybe,” Alex mumbles, and Ryan thinks he feels Alex’s hands tighten in gripping his shirt.
“Will you please think about it, at least?” he asks, and Alex nods. Ryan smiles, pulls Alex back in close again and hugs him tight. Maybe, oh, maybe he’ll be the one, maybe Alex will give him a chance, Ryan already loves him so much, he’d do everything he could to make Alex happy. Alex curls into his side, and Ryan leans back against the pillows, didn’t know just how acutely he missed the way this felt until he got it back, suddenly realises how lost he was, without Alex cuddled against his chest.
Alex falls asleep in his arms, snuggles closer in his sleep. Ryan strokes his hair and kisses the top of his head, so relieved Alex isn’t crying anymore. Seven years, though - it’s so painful, to realise Alex has always been heartbroken, Ryan has never known him any other way. Maybe - maybe he can make it better, somehow. Maybe he can make Alex as happy as he must have been before he fell in love, maybe Alex will give Ryan a chance to make him happy, because Alex - he deserves it. He’s perfect, and maybe he’ll let Ryan love him, oh, Ryan hopes so, hopes he could be that impossibly lucky. He already has Alex in his life, and just this is already impossible and amazing, so he’s already had an incredible stroke of luck; Ryan hopes it wasn’t a one-time thing, wants just one more miracle, just wants to be allowed to love the miracle he already has.
The game that evening doesn’t exactly comfort Ryan as much as he’d hoped it would. He plays his best, not sure what he’s trying to prove but he definitely knows what he’s working to get when Alex smiles radiantly and hugs him after both his goals. The flight afterwards gives him more hope, though, because Alex takes the window seat and pushes the armrest up between them, looks at Ryan hopefully. Ryan finishes putting their suitcases into the overhead compartment, leans on the seat.
“Here, I’ll take your jacket,” he says, and Alex smiles, takes it off and gives it to him. Ryan carefully puts it away, tosses his own there too and sits down beside Alex. “C’mere,” he says softly, undoes the first few buttons of Alex’s shirt for him.
“Merci,” Alex says, and Ryan’s just so glad Alex is letting him; he wants to take care of Alex, wants to be as thoughtful as that asshole who Alex loves, who doesn’t deserve him. Alex isn’t - noticing, what Ryan’s doing, but maybe he will, maybe he’ll like it, Ryan really wants him to. Ryan holds out his arms and Alex scoots close to him, head sinking to Ryan’s shoulder. “Attends,” Alex says, reaches up to undo Ryan’s tie for him.
“Thanks,” he says, barely stops from adding babe. He wraps his arms around Alex, and maybe he’ll be relieved every time Alex lets him do this. “How’re you feeling? Can I do anything?”
“Non, I’m so good,” Alex yawns.
“Anything you wanna talk about? Anything bothering you on the ice?” It just - it still worries him, Alex’s game not sloppy but fragmenting, like he’s losing everything he can do one by one. Alex sighs out a slow breath, skims his fingertips over Ryan’s leg distractedly.
“No, I - I don’t know what is wrong,” Alex says, this dismal tone that breaks Ryan’s heart all over again. “I’m just… off.” Oh, Alex never used to be like this, was always happy and cheerful and talkative, and this is all Ryan’s fault, he did this, and he misses Alex the way he used to be, wishes Alex was happy the way he used to be. Ryan doesn’t want to - to assume he’s important enough to affect Alex’s mood, but how can this not be his fault, he’s spent so long fucking everything up so, so badly.
“It’ll be okay,” Ryan wants to kiss him, cup Alex’s face in his hands and kiss him everywhere, “you’re so good. Your centre just needs to give you better passes. I’ll work on it okay?” he nuzzles Alex’s hair, hugs him tight.
“I like when you’re my centre best,” Alex says, so soft Ryan almost doesn’t hear it. He strokes down Alex’s arm, traces along Alex’s fingers. Alex yawns, eyes already closed.
“Are you sleepy?” Ryan murmurs, and Alex nods. He falls asleep on Ryan’s shoulder, and even an hours-long flight of this won’t be enough, Ryan could never have enough of Alex cuddled against him like this.
When they arrive, Alex and Ryan are among the last to get off the plane, and the parking lot’s emptying out when they get there. “I’m so tired,” Alex yawns, trailing after Ryan. “I don’t wanna drive,” he adds, and Ryan’s trying to work out a way to ask come home with me please please can you please can’t really think of one. “will you take me home?” Ryan almost has the time to be crushed before Alex adds, “with you?”
“Yeah,” Ryan says, drops his suitcase then steps in front of Alex, “c’mon, hop up.”
“Yes, really?” Alex chirps, already climbing on Ryan’s back eagerly. He wraps his arms and legs around Ryan, nuzzles against his neck. “You’re sure?” he asks, although Ryan can’t imagine Alex would actually consent to getting off, and he grins.
“Of course,” he laughs, catches Alex’s wrists in one hand, slips his other hand under Alex’s leg to hoist him up a little. He wants so badly to kiss the inside of Alex’s arm, barely manages to resist.
“T’es le meilleur,” Alex yawns, noses against his neck. “Merci.” And then, oh, he presses his lips to Ryan’s neck, lingers for a few seconds that make Ryan shiver. Ryan’s suddenly so glad he got to the airport late and ended up parking ridiculously far away, just really, really loves this. When they get to his car, he sets Alex down and opens the passenger side door for him, and it’s so, so fucking hard not to kiss Alex right now, because he’s smiling at Ryan and wants to come home with him again, finally. He can’t ruin this though, not now that he finally has Alex back.
“Right back, I’ll grab our bags,” Ryan says, forces himself to leave without kissing Alex.
Alex talks sleepily all the way back to Ryan’s, and once Ryan parks, follows him around to the trunk. “Here,” Alex says, reaches to take his bag from Ryan.
“I got it, babe,” Ryan says, the endearment just slipping out. Alex doesn’t comment, though, just smiles and follows him into the building.
It’s been so impossibly long since Alex has come back with Ryan after a roadtrip. Ryan makes them three-cheese grilled cheese sandwiches, and it’s way too soon before they’re about to go to bed. He just doesn’t want Alex to go down the hallway to the guest room, will just - miss him.
“Ryan,” Alex says as he follows Ryan out of the kitchen, “the roadtrip was so long, and you haven’t been in your apartment in a long time, then. Your bed will be cold, if it’s just you.” He sounds genuinely worried, looking at Ryan with so much concern in his dark eyes.
“It is,” Ryan confirms, wants to pull Alex into his arms and go to bed with him and just hold him all night. “It always is.”
“Okay,” Alex says brightly, and then he heads down the hallway, towards Ryan’s room.
“You don’t - have to, if you don’t want to,” Ryan forces himself to say, because he doesn’t want to go back to - to Alex having to do unpleasant things, just to help Ryan. He doesn’t want Alex to do anything he doesn’t want to do. Alex laughs, though, looks over his shoulder to smile at him.
“Ryan, viens,” he says, and it actually seems like he might not mind this. Ryan follows Alex into his room, just can’t - can’t actually believe that Alex is here, here in his room and smiling at him. He borrows a t-shirt and shorts to sleep in, and the sight of Alex in his clothes is almost more than Ryan can even bear, and then Alex climbs onto his bed, and Ryan just melts. He turns off the light and crawls into bed beside Alex, can’t believe it when Alex scoots in against his chest. Alex wraps his arm around Ryan, hand slipping under his shirt to stroke over his skin.
“How’re you here?” Ryan breathes, just - floored, can’t believe it, doesn’t know how he could ever be this lucky, and he’s never felt this before Alex, so in love and just overwhelmed by everything he can feel for someone. Maybe he’ll get a chance with Alex, maybe he really, really could, that would mean everything to him, would mean Alex.
“Because I want to be.” This is just - just more than Ryan could have hoped for, and he’s speechless, nothing he can say that isn’t I love you so much. He hugs Alex tight, loves the way Alex snuggles in against him like he fits here.
Maybe Ryan could really have a chance with him; it’s really all Ryan wants in the world. Meeting him was a moment of understanding, thinking I’m so glad I’ve found you before even realising he was looking, and every time he looks at Alex, Ryan just - he knows. All he wants, all he’s ever wanted, is Alex.