Fic
Title: Selfish
Fandom/Pairing: Criminal Minds, Pre-Hotch/Reid
Rating: PG
Words: ~3750
Spoilers: Starts after Damaged (S03E14) and runs up to Retaliation (S05E11).
Summary: His reasons for helping are selfish but he´s not really ready to analyze why.
A/N: This is Reid´s POV.
Unbeta
***
He´s been sitting in his car for the past hour and forty five minutes, staring at the yard three houses down. The blond haired woman and her son have just gone inside and there is nothing else to stare at then the top of his steering-wheel and his white fists clenched around it.
With a breath he lets go, and tucks his hands into his lab. This is a bad idea, he knows it, and yet he´s here because he knows someone has to do something. He doesn´t analyze the selfish reason for nominating himself and decides that hiding behind the pathetic logic of his own childhood is much better.
***
Two days earlier.
The floor was empty, except for him and the Unit Chief. He sat and stared at the office above him, watching through the open blinds at the man talking on the phone. It wasn´t a good conversation because Hotch had his hand on his waist, his brow was furrowed as he pursed his lips and the elbow of the arm holding the phone was tucked close to his torso. The man radiated of defensiveness and anger. It had been fifty six days since Hotch signed the divorce papers. The team all knew it because of Hotch´s heavy mood but as a general rule, they didn’t talk about it and they all knew their leader would never take it out on them. He watched as Hotch slammed the phone down and took a deep breath. This is as good time as any, he thought. He collected his bag and excuse before walking up to the office and knocking quietly.
Hotch looked up at the sound and waved him inside, the other man´s frame still tense as his boss started collecting his paperwork into his briefcase.
“I thought you went home,” Hotch said.
“No,” he replied and stared unsure at the other man.
“Did you need something, Reid?”
“Umm, I just brought you these.”He handed over the paperwork he´d been holding hostage for the past day and a half. Thanking him with a curt nod, Hotch threw the files on top of the others in the briefcase.
“Are you alright?” He blurted out but became uncomfortable self-conscious when Hotch´s dark eyes shot up at him. As he looked away he missed the ghost of a smile that came on Hotch´s lips.
“It´s nothing you have to worry about,” Hotch replied and closed the briefcase. “Are you heading out?”
Reid raised his head. “Yes.”
“Mind if I walk with you?” Hotch asked as he pull on his jacket and turned off the lamp.
“None at all,” Reid replied and waited while Hotch shut off the lights and closed the door.
They didn´t speak as they stood and waited for the elevator but as soon as they stepped inside, he knew he had to say something now or forever keep silent. “Hotch?” he started hesitantly because no matter how much he´d practiced, this would always sound awkward.
“Yes,” the other passenger replied.
He didn´t dare to look but kept his eyes on the gray floor. “I know I´m probable the last person you want to talk to but I just wanted you to know I´m willing to listen… if you need to talk to someone.”
As he felt his cheeks heat up at Hotch´s stare, the awkwardness rose from a five to a definite eight. “I know. Thank you, Reid,” Hotch´s soft reply was a complete contract to what he´d expected but then again Hotch was an expert in controlling conversations. He wondered if he just got ‘handled’.
Nodding slightly, he still stared at the floor with his hands secured in his pockets. Two steps outside the building, he drew in a deep breath and turned toward his boss. “What was the argument about?” he quickly asked and refused to look away when Hotch locked their eyes together.
He watched as the other man debated whether to tell him off or throw him a straw, his heart thumbing because he wasn´t sure either. Finally, Hotch relaxed his shoulders with a small exhale and it was his boss´s turn to look away. “Haley won´t let me see Jack,” Hotch said quietly.
Rush of horror blasted through him and he couldn´t help but freeze. “I thought you had joint custody.”
Hotch smiled sadly at those words and looked at him. “We do.” Hotch turned his gaze away in thought. “She is… still angry. I just need to let her… play it out.”
“I´m sorry,” he whispered and looked away.
***
He steps out of the car and walks with heavy steps up to the house. His heart is beating rapidly in his chest and he thinks that maybe he´s just making things worse. But he´s here, so he knocks on the door and waits.
Ex-Mrs. Hotchner opens the door. She stares at him for a moment before drawing in a deep breath, her eyes widening and she puts her hand over her mouth. “What happened?” She blurts out, “Is he alright?”
And he suddenly understands her reaction and feels ashamed for frightening her but also wonders how idiotic it is to think they would send him with this type of news. “He´s fine. Nothing has happened to Hotch. I ahhh… came to speak with you, if I may?” He replies.
She still stares at him until his words seem to sink in. “I´m sorry,” she says and opens the door wider. “Come in, please.”
Smiling awkwardly he steps through the door and looks around. It´s a nice house, the furniture is coordinated with the drapes and it looks like… a home. He turns toward her. “Where is Jack?”
Ex-Mrs. Hotchner smiles tentatively. “He´s in the kitchen with my sister. What can I do for you, Dr. Reid?”
He can´t look at her so he stares at the floor. “I think you should let Hotch see his son.”
Her surprise is obvious in the small shock on her face and the rise of eyebrows. “Did he send you to talk to me?” She asks with a hint of anger in her voice.
“No!” It´s his turn to be surprised. “I´m here on my own accord, Mrs. Hotchner.”
“Ms. Brooks,” she corrects him firmly.
“Ms. Brooks,” he repeats, feeling foolish.
She stares at him and he becomes more and more embarrass under her gaze. “Why are you here?” She finally asks.
“Jack deserves to know his father,” he starts and frowns slightly as he figures that might not have been the best opening,
“And what concern is that of yours?” She is starting to sound angry.
Right?! . “When I was ten my father left my mother and me. I never got an explanation why he left but for a long time I thought it was because I wasn´t good enough.” He glances at her and sees she´s listening. “Of course, now I know it was very likely because he couldn´t handle my mother´s illness…,” he shakes his head slightly, “… but that feeling never really goes away.” He finished quietly.
“I´m sorry,” Ms. Brooks says firmly, “but I don´t see how that has anything to do with my son.”
“Hotch wants to spend time with Jack. And that makes him a nothing like my father.” He tries to explain but again the words work against him.
“And when Aaron is in some strange city chasing monsters, I´m the one who has to console my son because his father isn´t here to keep his schedule. I won´t let him go through the disappointments Aaron put me through.” Yeah, she is definitely angry.
“I can understand why you feel that way and I´m sorry.” He thinks of a new angle. “But have you considered how it will affect Jack finding out you kept them apart?” He lifts his head and looks at her solemnly.
“He´ll understand I was only trying to protect him,” she almost shouts but he can see he touched a nerve because her eyes are glazing.
“Or he´ll disapprove,” he whispers and hangs his head. “You should at least give Jack the opportunity to choose for himself.”
“He´s four years old!” She draws in a deep breath.
“And when he´s old enough he´ll be able to make an informed decision, knowing you didn´t let your differences affect him,” he says quietly and brushes his hair behind his ear. This was not going as he had expected. The silence stretches between them and he gets ready to leave. “I´m sorry for disturbing you, Ms. Brooks,” he says and heads for the door.
“You must think I´m a terrible mother,” she says and turns toward him when he reaches for the doorknob.
“No,” he tells her and looks at her, a tear falls from her eyes but she brushes it away with grace. “I know you are a good mother. Nobody wants to see their child hurt.”
An almost soundless sob escapes from her and she sits down on the bottom of the stairs. Discomfort settles in because he doesn´t know how to react. “I´m sorry,” he says hesitantly.
“Why are you doing this?” She asks quietly and looks up at him.
He lets go of the doorknob and turns toward her, putting his hands in his pockets. “Because Hotch is a good father and I think their relationship will outweigh the disappointments for Jack.” He takes a step closer when she doesn´t reply. “Please, Ms. Brooks. I promise I´ll help him remember to call when we are away, help with the paperwork so he´ll be able to spend time with him... the whole team will help,” he blurts out.
Ms. Brooks stares at him and he becomes ashamed of his outburst. He turns around again and reaches for the knob once again. “Good night, Ms. Brooks,” he bits quietly as he opens the door.
“You should tell him,” she whispers.
Stopping short, he turns his head in surprise and stares at the top of the blond hair. “Excuse me?”
She lifts her head slowly, a small, sad smile on her lips. “You should tell him that you love him, he might surprise you…”
He is speechless. His mind forms all kinds of replies but no words come out and he can only stare into her melancholic eyes. Finally, he remembers how to move and walks out the door, quietly shutting it behind him. He definitely doesn´t want to analyze the real reason for him being here.
***
The knock on his door is rapid and urgent. It´s dark outside and although he´s been expecting this, his thoughts are no less untangled then they were earlier that day.
“Hotch,” he greets the man on the other side of his front door and opens it wider to let him in. Hotch rushes past him and stops in his living room, one hand on his waist the other rubbing his forehead as he phases.
“Who made you the advocate for my son?” Hotch shoots out when he swiftly turns around and faces him.
It´s a surprise question because he never thought of himself as that but then again he has no idea what Ms. Brooks has told her ex-husband. “Ammm… I guess I did,” he finally answers, “Coffee?” he asks and points to the kitchen so his mind can have at least a little bit of distraction. Hotch follows him into the small kitchen.
“Reid, why did you go and talk to Haley?” Hotch asks.
Now, that is a really good question, he thinks but holds his tongue as he pours freshly brewed coffee into two mugs. “Because the current situation is not healthy for Jack.” He pushes the blue mug toward Hotch as he spoons sugar into his red one.
Hotch ignores the coffee but keeps staring at him. It´s very unnerving because Hotch makes Unsubs confess with that stare. “You know you crossed the line?” Hotch sharply asks after the air has gotten a lot harder to breath.
Looking at the other man, he meets his gaze before looking away with guilt. “Yes,” he replies quietly and takes a sip of his coffee because he knows he´s committed the crime and there is no reason to deny it.
“Why, Reid?” Hotch puts his hands on his waist, blocking the exit from the kitchen as he does so, tilting his head a bit forward and raising his eyebrows. The gaze isn´t as threatening as before but Hotch still has his eyes fixed on him and is waiting for an answer.
He licks his lips. “The studies show the emotional affects on children who are used as leve...”
“Reid!” It´s curt and to the point.
His tongue sweeps over his lips again and he feels a bit of panic settle in his body. “It´s not fair that Jack becomes a victim in this divorce, he has done nothing wrong and should have a relationship with both parents,” he blurts out. He takes a small sip of his coffee to hide the heat in his cheeks.
Hotch´s hand finds his boss´s forehead again as he tries to think. “As much as I appreciate your care for my son´s wellbeing, I don´t want you meddling in my affairs.” Hotch looks at him again, defeated and tired. “Is that understood?”
That´s it? Is Hotch really that blind he can´t see past the lie? It´s almost a disappointment that Hotch can´t profile him better but then again, the man is in an emotional turbulence which could be clouding his judgment.”Yes, sir,” he whispers into his coffee.
“Promise me you won´t talk to Haley again.”
He locks their eyes just for a second before looking away, ashamed. “I promise,” he says more firmly because he has no intentions to talk to ex-Mrs. Hotchner again.
“Thank you,” his boss says as he turns around and heads for the door. He stares at the back of the dark suit jacket.
Right before Hotch reaches for the door, he asks the question burning on his mind: “Is she going to let you see him?”
Hotch stops in his track, hand on the handle but he doesn´t turn around. “Yes,” he says quietly over his shoulder and abruptly exits the apartment.
Victory smile spreads over his face as the feeling of accomplishment overtakes his body. He wants to dance and jump but makes do with rolling back on his heels and taking a sip of his coffee.
***
Hotch´s mood is a bit lighter the following Monday. He bites back the smile as Hotch promptly ignores him, the victory is still his. The rest of the team breaths more easily.
***
Four weeks later.
Stuck in some strange town on a Friday-evening is something none of them wants. He knows why Hotch´s brows are furrowed more than usual but refrains from commenting. The four of them are on their way to speak to the neighbors of the kidnapped fourteen year old again, ask them about a crucial piece of the puzzle they discovered but no one mentioned.
Rossi jumps from the passenger´s seat as soon as Hotch has brought the car to halt, Prentiss jumps from the seat next to him a second later. He takes his time to take off his seatbelt as Hotch slams the car into Park and unbuckles his own seat-belt. Leaning forward, he sets a hand on his boss´s shoulder to gain his attention.
“You should call Jack,” he says quietly and withdraws his hand.
“What?” Hotch says and looks at him in the review mirror.
“It´s eight fifteen, he´ll be going to bed soon and if we get the information we are looking for you might not have the time later,” he quickly replies as he rushes out of the car to get away from the penetrating stare. He is fully aware what he´s asking Hotch to do but this is important too.
“What´s Hotch doing?” Rossi asks when he joins the pair.
“Aaa… Making a phone call,” he says.
He sees Rossi look toward the car and refrains from looking too. Whatever Rossi sees, it makes him turn his head and look at Prentiss.
Peering around when he hears the car-door open, he catches a glimpse of a smile as Hotch steps out of the car but when his boss joins them the mask is in place. Hotch does shoot him a glare though and he´s not sure if it´s a thank you or a reprimand. He doesn´t really care, he´s just keeping his promise and not analyzing why he is.
***
He only does it about half a dozen times until all hell breaks loose. Hotch doesn´t tell him to stop, as a matter of fact he doesn´t say anything at all. It´s weird, in a good way, that Hotch actually allows him this. Once it only took a look at his watch and a glance in Hotch´s way for Hotch to excuse himself.
His knee gives him all the time he needs to think even if he doesn´t want it. He tries as much as he can to ignore it but sometimes when you try to push something away it doubles its effort.
***
He really hates George Foyet, with passion beyond his capability to hate someone which is really thinking ill of the dead. It really doesn´t matter because Foyet is very likely bound in ice up to his face in Caïna, in the ninth circle of Hell. The thought makes it easier to breath.
It´s the waiting and not knowing that is the worst though. When JJ tells him the news, that Hotch is coming back, he slugs back into his chair and almost doesn´t believe her because who in their right mind would come back after all of this.
As soon as the front door closes behind him, he curls up on his couch and wonders how much Hotch will have changed this time. He doesn´t go into detail why he wants the answer to that question.
***
The case is a success. He lets out a breath he didn´t realize he´d been holding when Hotch nods toward him while talking to Rossi on his cell, his boss´ brow not as grave as it was earlier that day. As soon as Hotch hangs up, he stumbles to his feet with the help of his cane. He says the words that have been on his mind for the past two hours and forty minutes as he limps toward the bathroom. “Call him.”
Because they all saw that flinch when the boy cried out for his father. Because Hotch needs to know his son is safe in Virginia. Because he needs to make sure Hotch still has a reason. He knows he´s being selfish.
***
Damn, it felt good to elevate the leg. It hurts a bit when the blood starts to flow away from the swollen joint but it hurts much less than the sitting down and standing up he´d been doing the past two days at the police station.
The knock on his door has him closing his eyes in frustration. “Who is it?” he calls because if it´s some sales-rap then the can send him away without getting up.
“It´s me,” comes the deep voice of his boss. Shit! He debates weather to ask him to use his key and show some weakness or actually get up and open the door. Hotch makes the choice for him because he hears jingle of keys and then the lock turns. He curses the idea that had him giving Hotch a spare key.
“Is it okay if I come in?” Hotch asks through the ajar door.
“Yes,” he calls back. “Sorry,” he continues when Hotch comes into his view upside down when he pushes his head backward to look, “I´m just resting my knee.” He notes that Hotch is holding a pizza-box and the smell teases his stomach.
Hotch smiles softly and closes the door. “It has been a long couple of days. Please, don´t get up.”
It´s the second time in thirteen months that Hotch has been inside his apartment. This time his boss takes his time to look around. He knows it´s relatively clean because just last week Garcia and Prentiss barged their way in and scrubbed dirt from every surface although it´s also a bit cluttered with all the books and magazines spread around the couch and the coffee table.
“Hungry?” Hotch asks and shows off his price.
He eyes the box. He is, but has always been a picky eater. “What is it?”
“Pepperoni Feast.”
Raising his eyebrows in surprise, he stares for a few seconds at the man standing in his living room. Why is Hotch bringing my favorite pizza? “Famished.”
“Do you mind?” Hotch asks with a smile and beckons the kitchen.
“Of course not, go ahead.” They exchange some kind of smiles.
While Hotch is in the kitchen he maneuvers himself into a half sitting position on the couch, careful not to jog the knee too much. He desperately tries to clear some space on the coffee-table but it hurts and he soon gives up.
Hotch closes books and magazines and moves them to one side of the table, making room for the pizza, plates and napkins. On Hotch´s second trip he brings glasses and a bottle of water, his boss even half fills their glasses.
He carefully watches as the other man takes a bite of his pizza and mirrors his movements. He wants to ask what Hotch is doing here as the silence becomes more and more nerveracking. Leaning forward in his chair, his elbows resting on his knees, Hotch seems perfectly content to sit across from him and eat pizza.
“Reid,” Hotch finally breaks the silence and stares at him, the lines on his face softening.
He looks at him, meets his gaze and waits for the man to speak.
“I´m not Gideon. I´m not going anywhere.”
Swallowing the piece of pizza he had in his mouth, he wonders if Hotch has figured this much out maybe he´s figured out the rest too. He studies the man until he has to look away. “I know you´re not… Gideon, I mean.” And he´s sure Hotch hasn´t solved the whole equation.
But his chest feels lighter because maybe one day the other man will and until then he can be as selfish as he wants. “I was going to watch Star Wars, care to join me?”
“Which episode?” Hotch deadpans and there is a hint of smile right there.
“Return of the Jedi. The prequel trilogy isn´t really the same with the new special-effects.” he replies with a grin.
“I´d be happy to.”
-The end.
Fandom/Pairing: Criminal Minds, Pre-Hotch/Reid
Rating: PG
Words: ~3750
Spoilers: Starts after Damaged (S03E14) and runs up to Retaliation (S05E11).
Summary: His reasons for helping are selfish but he´s not really ready to analyze why.
A/N: This is Reid´s POV.
Unbeta
***
He´s been sitting in his car for the past hour and forty five minutes, staring at the yard three houses down. The blond haired woman and her son have just gone inside and there is nothing else to stare at then the top of his steering-wheel and his white fists clenched around it.
With a breath he lets go, and tucks his hands into his lab. This is a bad idea, he knows it, and yet he´s here because he knows someone has to do something. He doesn´t analyze the selfish reason for nominating himself and decides that hiding behind the pathetic logic of his own childhood is much better.
***
Two days earlier.
The floor was empty, except for him and the Unit Chief. He sat and stared at the office above him, watching through the open blinds at the man talking on the phone. It wasn´t a good conversation because Hotch had his hand on his waist, his brow was furrowed as he pursed his lips and the elbow of the arm holding the phone was tucked close to his torso. The man radiated of defensiveness and anger. It had been fifty six days since Hotch signed the divorce papers. The team all knew it because of Hotch´s heavy mood but as a general rule, they didn’t talk about it and they all knew their leader would never take it out on them. He watched as Hotch slammed the phone down and took a deep breath. This is as good time as any, he thought. He collected his bag and excuse before walking up to the office and knocking quietly.
Hotch looked up at the sound and waved him inside, the other man´s frame still tense as his boss started collecting his paperwork into his briefcase.
“I thought you went home,” Hotch said.
“No,” he replied and stared unsure at the other man.
“Did you need something, Reid?”
“Umm, I just brought you these.”He handed over the paperwork he´d been holding hostage for the past day and a half. Thanking him with a curt nod, Hotch threw the files on top of the others in the briefcase.
“Are you alright?” He blurted out but became uncomfortable self-conscious when Hotch´s dark eyes shot up at him. As he looked away he missed the ghost of a smile that came on Hotch´s lips.
“It´s nothing you have to worry about,” Hotch replied and closed the briefcase. “Are you heading out?”
Reid raised his head. “Yes.”
“Mind if I walk with you?” Hotch asked as he pull on his jacket and turned off the lamp.
“None at all,” Reid replied and waited while Hotch shut off the lights and closed the door.
They didn´t speak as they stood and waited for the elevator but as soon as they stepped inside, he knew he had to say something now or forever keep silent. “Hotch?” he started hesitantly because no matter how much he´d practiced, this would always sound awkward.
“Yes,” the other passenger replied.
He didn´t dare to look but kept his eyes on the gray floor. “I know I´m probable the last person you want to talk to but I just wanted you to know I´m willing to listen… if you need to talk to someone.”
As he felt his cheeks heat up at Hotch´s stare, the awkwardness rose from a five to a definite eight. “I know. Thank you, Reid,” Hotch´s soft reply was a complete contract to what he´d expected but then again Hotch was an expert in controlling conversations. He wondered if he just got ‘handled’.
Nodding slightly, he still stared at the floor with his hands secured in his pockets. Two steps outside the building, he drew in a deep breath and turned toward his boss. “What was the argument about?” he quickly asked and refused to look away when Hotch locked their eyes together.
He watched as the other man debated whether to tell him off or throw him a straw, his heart thumbing because he wasn´t sure either. Finally, Hotch relaxed his shoulders with a small exhale and it was his boss´s turn to look away. “Haley won´t let me see Jack,” Hotch said quietly.
Rush of horror blasted through him and he couldn´t help but freeze. “I thought you had joint custody.”
Hotch smiled sadly at those words and looked at him. “We do.” Hotch turned his gaze away in thought. “She is… still angry. I just need to let her… play it out.”
“I´m sorry,” he whispered and looked away.
***
He steps out of the car and walks with heavy steps up to the house. His heart is beating rapidly in his chest and he thinks that maybe he´s just making things worse. But he´s here, so he knocks on the door and waits.
Ex-Mrs. Hotchner opens the door. She stares at him for a moment before drawing in a deep breath, her eyes widening and she puts her hand over her mouth. “What happened?” She blurts out, “Is he alright?”
And he suddenly understands her reaction and feels ashamed for frightening her but also wonders how idiotic it is to think they would send him with this type of news. “He´s fine. Nothing has happened to Hotch. I ahhh… came to speak with you, if I may?” He replies.
She still stares at him until his words seem to sink in. “I´m sorry,” she says and opens the door wider. “Come in, please.”
Smiling awkwardly he steps through the door and looks around. It´s a nice house, the furniture is coordinated with the drapes and it looks like… a home. He turns toward her. “Where is Jack?”
Ex-Mrs. Hotchner smiles tentatively. “He´s in the kitchen with my sister. What can I do for you, Dr. Reid?”
He can´t look at her so he stares at the floor. “I think you should let Hotch see his son.”
Her surprise is obvious in the small shock on her face and the rise of eyebrows. “Did he send you to talk to me?” She asks with a hint of anger in her voice.
“No!” It´s his turn to be surprised. “I´m here on my own accord, Mrs. Hotchner.”
“Ms. Brooks,” she corrects him firmly.
“Ms. Brooks,” he repeats, feeling foolish.
She stares at him and he becomes more and more embarrass under her gaze. “Why are you here?” She finally asks.
“Jack deserves to know his father,” he starts and frowns slightly as he figures that might not have been the best opening,
“And what concern is that of yours?” She is starting to sound angry.
Right?! . “When I was ten my father left my mother and me. I never got an explanation why he left but for a long time I thought it was because I wasn´t good enough.” He glances at her and sees she´s listening. “Of course, now I know it was very likely because he couldn´t handle my mother´s illness…,” he shakes his head slightly, “… but that feeling never really goes away.” He finished quietly.
“I´m sorry,” Ms. Brooks says firmly, “but I don´t see how that has anything to do with my son.”
“Hotch wants to spend time with Jack. And that makes him a nothing like my father.” He tries to explain but again the words work against him.
“And when Aaron is in some strange city chasing monsters, I´m the one who has to console my son because his father isn´t here to keep his schedule. I won´t let him go through the disappointments Aaron put me through.” Yeah, she is definitely angry.
“I can understand why you feel that way and I´m sorry.” He thinks of a new angle. “But have you considered how it will affect Jack finding out you kept them apart?” He lifts his head and looks at her solemnly.
“He´ll understand I was only trying to protect him,” she almost shouts but he can see he touched a nerve because her eyes are glazing.
“Or he´ll disapprove,” he whispers and hangs his head. “You should at least give Jack the opportunity to choose for himself.”
“He´s four years old!” She draws in a deep breath.
“And when he´s old enough he´ll be able to make an informed decision, knowing you didn´t let your differences affect him,” he says quietly and brushes his hair behind his ear. This was not going as he had expected. The silence stretches between them and he gets ready to leave. “I´m sorry for disturbing you, Ms. Brooks,” he says and heads for the door.
“You must think I´m a terrible mother,” she says and turns toward him when he reaches for the doorknob.
“No,” he tells her and looks at her, a tear falls from her eyes but she brushes it away with grace. “I know you are a good mother. Nobody wants to see their child hurt.”
An almost soundless sob escapes from her and she sits down on the bottom of the stairs. Discomfort settles in because he doesn´t know how to react. “I´m sorry,” he says hesitantly.
“Why are you doing this?” She asks quietly and looks up at him.
He lets go of the doorknob and turns toward her, putting his hands in his pockets. “Because Hotch is a good father and I think their relationship will outweigh the disappointments for Jack.” He takes a step closer when she doesn´t reply. “Please, Ms. Brooks. I promise I´ll help him remember to call when we are away, help with the paperwork so he´ll be able to spend time with him... the whole team will help,” he blurts out.
Ms. Brooks stares at him and he becomes ashamed of his outburst. He turns around again and reaches for the knob once again. “Good night, Ms. Brooks,” he bits quietly as he opens the door.
“You should tell him,” she whispers.
Stopping short, he turns his head in surprise and stares at the top of the blond hair. “Excuse me?”
She lifts her head slowly, a small, sad smile on her lips. “You should tell him that you love him, he might surprise you…”
He is speechless. His mind forms all kinds of replies but no words come out and he can only stare into her melancholic eyes. Finally, he remembers how to move and walks out the door, quietly shutting it behind him. He definitely doesn´t want to analyze the real reason for him being here.
***
The knock on his door is rapid and urgent. It´s dark outside and although he´s been expecting this, his thoughts are no less untangled then they were earlier that day.
“Hotch,” he greets the man on the other side of his front door and opens it wider to let him in. Hotch rushes past him and stops in his living room, one hand on his waist the other rubbing his forehead as he phases.
“Who made you the advocate for my son?” Hotch shoots out when he swiftly turns around and faces him.
It´s a surprise question because he never thought of himself as that but then again he has no idea what Ms. Brooks has told her ex-husband. “Ammm… I guess I did,” he finally answers, “Coffee?” he asks and points to the kitchen so his mind can have at least a little bit of distraction. Hotch follows him into the small kitchen.
“Reid, why did you go and talk to Haley?” Hotch asks.
Now, that is a really good question, he thinks but holds his tongue as he pours freshly brewed coffee into two mugs. “Because the current situation is not healthy for Jack.” He pushes the blue mug toward Hotch as he spoons sugar into his red one.
Hotch ignores the coffee but keeps staring at him. It´s very unnerving because Hotch makes Unsubs confess with that stare. “You know you crossed the line?” Hotch sharply asks after the air has gotten a lot harder to breath.
Looking at the other man, he meets his gaze before looking away with guilt. “Yes,” he replies quietly and takes a sip of his coffee because he knows he´s committed the crime and there is no reason to deny it.
“Why, Reid?” Hotch puts his hands on his waist, blocking the exit from the kitchen as he does so, tilting his head a bit forward and raising his eyebrows. The gaze isn´t as threatening as before but Hotch still has his eyes fixed on him and is waiting for an answer.
He licks his lips. “The studies show the emotional affects on children who are used as leve...”
“Reid!” It´s curt and to the point.
His tongue sweeps over his lips again and he feels a bit of panic settle in his body. “It´s not fair that Jack becomes a victim in this divorce, he has done nothing wrong and should have a relationship with both parents,” he blurts out. He takes a small sip of his coffee to hide the heat in his cheeks.
Hotch´s hand finds his boss´s forehead again as he tries to think. “As much as I appreciate your care for my son´s wellbeing, I don´t want you meddling in my affairs.” Hotch looks at him again, defeated and tired. “Is that understood?”
That´s it? Is Hotch really that blind he can´t see past the lie? It´s almost a disappointment that Hotch can´t profile him better but then again, the man is in an emotional turbulence which could be clouding his judgment.”Yes, sir,” he whispers into his coffee.
“Promise me you won´t talk to Haley again.”
He locks their eyes just for a second before looking away, ashamed. “I promise,” he says more firmly because he has no intentions to talk to ex-Mrs. Hotchner again.
“Thank you,” his boss says as he turns around and heads for the door. He stares at the back of the dark suit jacket.
Right before Hotch reaches for the door, he asks the question burning on his mind: “Is she going to let you see him?”
Hotch stops in his track, hand on the handle but he doesn´t turn around. “Yes,” he says quietly over his shoulder and abruptly exits the apartment.
Victory smile spreads over his face as the feeling of accomplishment overtakes his body. He wants to dance and jump but makes do with rolling back on his heels and taking a sip of his coffee.
***
Hotch´s mood is a bit lighter the following Monday. He bites back the smile as Hotch promptly ignores him, the victory is still his. The rest of the team breaths more easily.
***
Four weeks later.
Stuck in some strange town on a Friday-evening is something none of them wants. He knows why Hotch´s brows are furrowed more than usual but refrains from commenting. The four of them are on their way to speak to the neighbors of the kidnapped fourteen year old again, ask them about a crucial piece of the puzzle they discovered but no one mentioned.
Rossi jumps from the passenger´s seat as soon as Hotch has brought the car to halt, Prentiss jumps from the seat next to him a second later. He takes his time to take off his seatbelt as Hotch slams the car into Park and unbuckles his own seat-belt. Leaning forward, he sets a hand on his boss´s shoulder to gain his attention.
“You should call Jack,” he says quietly and withdraws his hand.
“What?” Hotch says and looks at him in the review mirror.
“It´s eight fifteen, he´ll be going to bed soon and if we get the information we are looking for you might not have the time later,” he quickly replies as he rushes out of the car to get away from the penetrating stare. He is fully aware what he´s asking Hotch to do but this is important too.
“What´s Hotch doing?” Rossi asks when he joins the pair.
“Aaa… Making a phone call,” he says.
He sees Rossi look toward the car and refrains from looking too. Whatever Rossi sees, it makes him turn his head and look at Prentiss.
Peering around when he hears the car-door open, he catches a glimpse of a smile as Hotch steps out of the car but when his boss joins them the mask is in place. Hotch does shoot him a glare though and he´s not sure if it´s a thank you or a reprimand. He doesn´t really care, he´s just keeping his promise and not analyzing why he is.
***
He only does it about half a dozen times until all hell breaks loose. Hotch doesn´t tell him to stop, as a matter of fact he doesn´t say anything at all. It´s weird, in a good way, that Hotch actually allows him this. Once it only took a look at his watch and a glance in Hotch´s way for Hotch to excuse himself.
His knee gives him all the time he needs to think even if he doesn´t want it. He tries as much as he can to ignore it but sometimes when you try to push something away it doubles its effort.
***
He really hates George Foyet, with passion beyond his capability to hate someone which is really thinking ill of the dead. It really doesn´t matter because Foyet is very likely bound in ice up to his face in Caïna, in the ninth circle of Hell. The thought makes it easier to breath.
It´s the waiting and not knowing that is the worst though. When JJ tells him the news, that Hotch is coming back, he slugs back into his chair and almost doesn´t believe her because who in their right mind would come back after all of this.
As soon as the front door closes behind him, he curls up on his couch and wonders how much Hotch will have changed this time. He doesn´t go into detail why he wants the answer to that question.
***
The case is a success. He lets out a breath he didn´t realize he´d been holding when Hotch nods toward him while talking to Rossi on his cell, his boss´ brow not as grave as it was earlier that day. As soon as Hotch hangs up, he stumbles to his feet with the help of his cane. He says the words that have been on his mind for the past two hours and forty minutes as he limps toward the bathroom. “Call him.”
Because they all saw that flinch when the boy cried out for his father. Because Hotch needs to know his son is safe in Virginia. Because he needs to make sure Hotch still has a reason. He knows he´s being selfish.
***
Damn, it felt good to elevate the leg. It hurts a bit when the blood starts to flow away from the swollen joint but it hurts much less than the sitting down and standing up he´d been doing the past two days at the police station.
The knock on his door has him closing his eyes in frustration. “Who is it?” he calls because if it´s some sales-rap then the can send him away without getting up.
“It´s me,” comes the deep voice of his boss. Shit! He debates weather to ask him to use his key and show some weakness or actually get up and open the door. Hotch makes the choice for him because he hears jingle of keys and then the lock turns. He curses the idea that had him giving Hotch a spare key.
“Is it okay if I come in?” Hotch asks through the ajar door.
“Yes,” he calls back. “Sorry,” he continues when Hotch comes into his view upside down when he pushes his head backward to look, “I´m just resting my knee.” He notes that Hotch is holding a pizza-box and the smell teases his stomach.
Hotch smiles softly and closes the door. “It has been a long couple of days. Please, don´t get up.”
It´s the second time in thirteen months that Hotch has been inside his apartment. This time his boss takes his time to look around. He knows it´s relatively clean because just last week Garcia and Prentiss barged their way in and scrubbed dirt from every surface although it´s also a bit cluttered with all the books and magazines spread around the couch and the coffee table.
“Hungry?” Hotch asks and shows off his price.
He eyes the box. He is, but has always been a picky eater. “What is it?”
“Pepperoni Feast.”
Raising his eyebrows in surprise, he stares for a few seconds at the man standing in his living room. Why is Hotch bringing my favorite pizza? “Famished.”
“Do you mind?” Hotch asks with a smile and beckons the kitchen.
“Of course not, go ahead.” They exchange some kind of smiles.
While Hotch is in the kitchen he maneuvers himself into a half sitting position on the couch, careful not to jog the knee too much. He desperately tries to clear some space on the coffee-table but it hurts and he soon gives up.
Hotch closes books and magazines and moves them to one side of the table, making room for the pizza, plates and napkins. On Hotch´s second trip he brings glasses and a bottle of water, his boss even half fills their glasses.
He carefully watches as the other man takes a bite of his pizza and mirrors his movements. He wants to ask what Hotch is doing here as the silence becomes more and more nerveracking. Leaning forward in his chair, his elbows resting on his knees, Hotch seems perfectly content to sit across from him and eat pizza.
“Reid,” Hotch finally breaks the silence and stares at him, the lines on his face softening.
He looks at him, meets his gaze and waits for the man to speak.
“I´m not Gideon. I´m not going anywhere.”
Swallowing the piece of pizza he had in his mouth, he wonders if Hotch has figured this much out maybe he´s figured out the rest too. He studies the man until he has to look away. “I know you´re not… Gideon, I mean.” And he´s sure Hotch hasn´t solved the whole equation.
But his chest feels lighter because maybe one day the other man will and until then he can be as selfish as he wants. “I was going to watch Star Wars, care to join me?”
“Which episode?” Hotch deadpans and there is a hint of smile right there.
“Return of the Jedi. The prequel trilogy isn´t really the same with the new special-effects.” he replies with a grin.
“I´d be happy to.”
-The end.