I feel like such an attention whore posting this.
*deep breath*
Ok. Let me preface this with saying that I know better, and I'm not actually going to do this, I'm just having urges.
I find myself lying in my room, crying softly to myself. I keep having thoughts of cutting. I haven't been an active cutter in years, and I haven't cut at ALL in over a year. I still know where every razor, every knife, every sharp object in my ENTIRE HOUSE is right now. If I close my eyes, I can see them all. I can feel myself wanting to go get one. Specifically, I want the box cutter I used to carry in my apron at work. It's 5 feet from me, in a dresser drawer. So I'm forcing myself to sit right here and type instead. It's not easy. In fact, it's feeling like the hardest thing I've ever done.
I tried, at first, playing WoW to distract myself. Which would have worked, and indeed was working, until the servers went down for maintenance. So then I thought "I know! I'll read a book." Didn't come close to working. Not even within a mile. All I could do was reread the same passage over and over and over again. My brain kept going back to the location of that box cutter.
I have no idea why this started this week. I've been moody, and cranky, and sad. I've had aches, and pains and things. I felt the depression come back, and go, and come back again stronger and more insistant than it's been in 6 years. I feel myself slowly losing my grip. It's the scariest fucking feeling ever. It's not ok. I've made it this far. Surely I can make it until tomorrow. I will worry about tomorrow when it gets here. Right now all I'm worried about is making it that far. I don't want to be this upset and freaked out. I hate it. I hate feeling as though I'm at war with my own mind. It's not ok.
I can still feel the presence of that box cutter. It's sharp razor blade seems to be calling me. I can see the glint of light on steel even with my eyes open. I HATE this. I swear I had this beaten. I swear I did. What's changed this week to make it different? Why am I suddenly going insane now?
It would be bad enough if I were just having troubles with this. It would feel enough like the worst week I've had in several years if all that were wrong was the urge to cut. But of course that's not all of it. That would be too simple. I'm also finding myself reverting to my old eating disorder behaviors. Those ones are a lot easier for me to fight. But I can hear the like of reasoning coming back. I can hear the guilty voices starting every time I eat something, and the even more guilty voices the one time I did give in and failed to eat for 24 hours. I find myself craving my binge/comfort foods. I find myself refusing to eat most of the healthy stuff I have in the kitchen. I find myself having to struggle with MY OWN HEAD to convince myself that eating dinner is not only ok, but is the right thing to do.
In short? I'm having the shittiest week ever. I hate all of this. I hate it a lot. I wish I had someone around to hold me close, but Daniel's asleep, and hasn't been very cuddly since... I have no idea when. Forever. I'm feeling sad, lonely, and clingy. I hate this so very much.
Ok. Let me preface this with saying that I know better, and I'm not actually going to do this, I'm just having urges.
I find myself lying in my room, crying softly to myself. I keep having thoughts of cutting. I haven't been an active cutter in years, and I haven't cut at ALL in over a year. I still know where every razor, every knife, every sharp object in my ENTIRE HOUSE is right now. If I close my eyes, I can see them all. I can feel myself wanting to go get one. Specifically, I want the box cutter I used to carry in my apron at work. It's 5 feet from me, in a dresser drawer. So I'm forcing myself to sit right here and type instead. It's not easy. In fact, it's feeling like the hardest thing I've ever done.
I tried, at first, playing WoW to distract myself. Which would have worked, and indeed was working, until the servers went down for maintenance. So then I thought "I know! I'll read a book." Didn't come close to working. Not even within a mile. All I could do was reread the same passage over and over and over again. My brain kept going back to the location of that box cutter.
I have no idea why this started this week. I've been moody, and cranky, and sad. I've had aches, and pains and things. I felt the depression come back, and go, and come back again stronger and more insistant than it's been in 6 years. I feel myself slowly losing my grip. It's the scariest fucking feeling ever. It's not ok. I've made it this far. Surely I can make it until tomorrow. I will worry about tomorrow when it gets here. Right now all I'm worried about is making it that far. I don't want to be this upset and freaked out. I hate it. I hate feeling as though I'm at war with my own mind. It's not ok.
I can still feel the presence of that box cutter. It's sharp razor blade seems to be calling me. I can see the glint of light on steel even with my eyes open. I HATE this. I swear I had this beaten. I swear I did. What's changed this week to make it different? Why am I suddenly going insane now?
It would be bad enough if I were just having troubles with this. It would feel enough like the worst week I've had in several years if all that were wrong was the urge to cut. But of course that's not all of it. That would be too simple. I'm also finding myself reverting to my old eating disorder behaviors. Those ones are a lot easier for me to fight. But I can hear the like of reasoning coming back. I can hear the guilty voices starting every time I eat something, and the even more guilty voices the one time I did give in and failed to eat for 24 hours. I find myself craving my binge/comfort foods. I find myself refusing to eat most of the healthy stuff I have in the kitchen. I find myself having to struggle with MY OWN HEAD to convince myself that eating dinner is not only ok, but is the right thing to do.
In short? I'm having the shittiest week ever. I hate all of this. I hate it a lot. I wish I had someone around to hold me close, but Daniel's asleep, and hasn't been very cuddly since... I have no idea when. Forever. I'm feeling sad, lonely, and clingy. I hate this so very much.