good day
if i could teach my girls one thing - i woudl offer my life as an
object lesson. i would also tell them to read God.com and God.net
- not actually about the internet in the slightest - by james alexander
Langteaux. you cannot read those books without being affected in the
slightest. i'm not claiming it will change your life (they have only greatly affected
mine) but they will make you think in ways you didn't know you hadn't
thought of before. wait - rewind - check that - yup. thats
what i meant to say.
one way i would use my life as an object lesson is that you don't really realize the consiquences your actions will have until way later, so PLEASE be careful. every guy you ever chose to be with - every step you chose to take with each of those guys - every contriversial movie you ever watch - every dirty picture you see - ever vulgar thign you hear - all these things will be burned in your memory: never to be erased or forgotten. you won't remember what you had for breakfast. you might forget your mom's birthday. you might even have been with so many guys you cna't rememebr all their names (without some help). but the most vile, the most extreme, the things you wish you never did - this is what you won't ever forget, no matter how much you want to. the first time you look at porn instead of just closing the pop-up window. those R rated movies you tried to convince your parents really 'werent that bad'. the first guy you ever let under your clothes. the last guy you ever let under your clothes. and just a warning - your body WASN'T DESIGNED to say STOP. i know you have it in your vocabulary - and some of you i can be fairly confident that you will use it if need be. but what happens when he doesn't push himself on you, when he says 'are you sure? i don't wanna make you do anything you don't want to.' and your mouth, your body, your arms all scream YES!!!! i want more. duh you won't jump into sex when your 13 (at least my girls won't...) but at the rate some of you are dating - you might want to at 17!! which - and i'm not afraid to say it - is STILL TOO YOUNG!! every step you take is one more that you've already done. your body wants to jump there and move just the slightest beyond every time you decide to become physical.
so this is where is stops being a lesson and turns back into a journal. i don't know if i'll ever completely get over derek. (no, this isn't another journal about him - jsut a brief reference) i don't know if i'll want to. i'm trusting that if i ever find another guy that i give that much of my heart away too, then i won't have any left to dwell on him. here's the thing though - i think the major problem that i have is that i gave him way more than my heart - i gave him me. very very technically - i didn't give him all of me. but i might as well have re. the way it's still affecting me. i don't have hardly anything to give to my husband on our wedding night - and that saddens me greatly. what saddens me even more is that it's screwed me over for any other dating relationship. i don't know how to be a girlfriend anymore!! i don't know how to start from the beginning and take it slow and just get to know him. i can't blame it all on derek... the significant number of worthless fligns i've had in my life have added to this stupidity. i feel like such a putz - i have this great guy (no really, he's amazing) and he puts up with me freakign out and spazzing and running back and forth in extremes from i need a decision now to i don't care if we have no labels... he knows if this is going to work in any form of reasonable or serious capacity, we can't jump into bed together. and he knows i know that. but i've forgotten how to just sit with him and talk and be content with that. a very large part of me just wants to jump him b/c i know it would be comfortable and i know i could do it. a bigger part of me (fortuantely) wants this to work. i want a boyfriend. more than that (and this is an important distinction) i want him for my boyfriend. i don't want to lose him over my stupidity and history of foolish choices. i am so grateful that he seems to know that beyond all my flirting (fine) and teasing (pushing the boundaries) that i wish i knew how to restrain myself. i'm trying. i really am. if he can put up with this - and stick with me through this insanity until i remember how to be a gf - until i learn how to be his gf (and i say that b/c dating is like kissing - everybody is different and needs adjustment and practice ) then he will be well worth keeping.
=)
part 2. i had a really great day today. i saw God and felt Him in a way that reminds me how truely sad i get when i forget about Him. i am so thankful that he uses me in spite of my failings. i pray that he will continue to use me b/c only when i am in him service do i feel my life has a purpose. please surround me with fellowship and help me find a sister to partner with in my walk with you. i can't remember the last time i went to sleep filled with such peace, love, and anticipation. if you don't know my God, i fear for you, and i grieve b/c i know he cries over losing you.
Indescribable, Uncontainable;
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name!
All powerful, Untamable;
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim:
You are amazing God.
Incomparable, Unchangable;
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same.
You are amazing God!
one way i would use my life as an object lesson is that you don't really realize the consiquences your actions will have until way later, so PLEASE be careful. every guy you ever chose to be with - every step you chose to take with each of those guys - every contriversial movie you ever watch - every dirty picture you see - ever vulgar thign you hear - all these things will be burned in your memory: never to be erased or forgotten. you won't remember what you had for breakfast. you might forget your mom's birthday. you might even have been with so many guys you cna't rememebr all their names (without some help). but the most vile, the most extreme, the things you wish you never did - this is what you won't ever forget, no matter how much you want to. the first time you look at porn instead of just closing the pop-up window. those R rated movies you tried to convince your parents really 'werent that bad'. the first guy you ever let under your clothes. the last guy you ever let under your clothes. and just a warning - your body WASN'T DESIGNED to say STOP. i know you have it in your vocabulary - and some of you i can be fairly confident that you will use it if need be. but what happens when he doesn't push himself on you, when he says 'are you sure? i don't wanna make you do anything you don't want to.' and your mouth, your body, your arms all scream YES!!!! i want more. duh you won't jump into sex when your 13 (at least my girls won't...) but at the rate some of you are dating - you might want to at 17!! which - and i'm not afraid to say it - is STILL TOO YOUNG!! every step you take is one more that you've already done. your body wants to jump there and move just the slightest beyond every time you decide to become physical.
so this is where is stops being a lesson and turns back into a journal. i don't know if i'll ever completely get over derek. (no, this isn't another journal about him - jsut a brief reference) i don't know if i'll want to. i'm trusting that if i ever find another guy that i give that much of my heart away too, then i won't have any left to dwell on him. here's the thing though - i think the major problem that i have is that i gave him way more than my heart - i gave him me. very very technically - i didn't give him all of me. but i might as well have re. the way it's still affecting me. i don't have hardly anything to give to my husband on our wedding night - and that saddens me greatly. what saddens me even more is that it's screwed me over for any other dating relationship. i don't know how to be a girlfriend anymore!! i don't know how to start from the beginning and take it slow and just get to know him. i can't blame it all on derek... the significant number of worthless fligns i've had in my life have added to this stupidity. i feel like such a putz - i have this great guy (no really, he's amazing) and he puts up with me freakign out and spazzing and running back and forth in extremes from i need a decision now to i don't care if we have no labels... he knows if this is going to work in any form of reasonable or serious capacity, we can't jump into bed together. and he knows i know that. but i've forgotten how to just sit with him and talk and be content with that. a very large part of me just wants to jump him b/c i know it would be comfortable and i know i could do it. a bigger part of me (fortuantely) wants this to work. i want a boyfriend. more than that (and this is an important distinction) i want him for my boyfriend. i don't want to lose him over my stupidity and history of foolish choices. i am so grateful that he seems to know that beyond all my flirting (fine) and teasing (pushing the boundaries) that i wish i knew how to restrain myself. i'm trying. i really am. if he can put up with this - and stick with me through this insanity until i remember how to be a gf - until i learn how to be his gf (and i say that b/c dating is like kissing - everybody is different and needs adjustment and practice ) then he will be well worth keeping.
=)
part 2. i had a really great day today. i saw God and felt Him in a way that reminds me how truely sad i get when i forget about Him. i am so thankful that he uses me in spite of my failings. i pray that he will continue to use me b/c only when i am in him service do i feel my life has a purpose. please surround me with fellowship and help me find a sister to partner with in my walk with you. i can't remember the last time i went to sleep filled with such peace, love, and anticipation. if you don't know my God, i fear for you, and i grieve b/c i know he cries over losing you.
Indescribable, Uncontainable;
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name!
All powerful, Untamable;
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim:
You are amazing God.
Incomparable, Unchangable;
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same.
You are amazing God!