The End
"I have been speculating that I will write this entry sooner or later ( though the style wasn't as speculated ) , dating back some years ago, and now it has arrived. Sooner then expected."
27 Aug: ....a sleepless night. I cried, just a little. Because it was expected.
28 Aug: Misery. I had a wierd dream, travelling along long paths with people, I was guided by the King and Queen of Thailand who seem to be floating. ( The king of Thailand has been thought to be the incarnation of the god Vishnu ).
29 Aug : I wonder..is it wrong of me to think of the past happy moments you brought me.. and the sweet and thoughtful gestures you did..eventually I will get over it. eventually..
1st Sept: The one last thing remains to be done.
2nd Sept: No matter how you see me, I still see you as a friend ( I just can't bring my heart to terminate a friendship ). In the years to come should one day you need help, I am always willing to help. But till then,
I will not appear in front of you if possible.
I thought of the possibility of being friends, but I ruled that out. Friends to me is someone you can trust and not fear his or her presence. Since you fear me, there is no point. To be fair, searching my soul, I dun think I can withstand the sight of you being with your BF( if any ). AT LEAST, not for now. I'm not ready to withstand that onslaught. ( the only possible way for me to withstand it is unless I am convinced he is a good person and will treat you well OR I have gone to the state who is totally oblivious )
3rd Sept 09: Unexpected thing has happened and I got some closure which is good.
Of cuz the general outcome of the ending is still the same but at least it's been given the green light that we could say hi and have a small talk should we actually meet in events or coincidence. Can it be done actually? I think very much depends on the situation and environment at that time. But come to think of it, chances of meeting each other is almost zero as I rarely go to events nowadays. Maybe I will go to those new events that I nvr been during my absence from singapore, but trust me it's not going to be easy to catch me in events as I am going to go alone from now on and usually I dun stay long as crowds..make me feel feverish.
@3am: I am abit depressed, which though I hate to admit I know why. I have took some measures, but I suspect is due to lack of sleep which makes the haunting rather unbearable.
14th Sept 09: Looking back, time flies since my last update. The measures are working well. Is it because my heart has hardened or due to bad memory I am conveniently stashing it away or I am starting to get over it? I cannot tell is due to which..Somehow or the other, the kindness and cruelty seemed distant, though I dare not think of it for the pain stings. It is like..throwing a pebble onto a pool of stagnant water that is thinly protected by a crust.. I do not need to awaken what lies beneath in slumber or sinking. Recently I've been thinking..this situation is familiar... as though my solitary poly life revisited. The dirt cast into space. Away from the ozone layer for 5 years. The trees and the breathe of wind were my friends. Abandoned due to poor performance. I laugh. A bitter one. Whatever. 8 more days and I may be able to find salvation in my virtual game world. /shrugs. I'll see what fate has in store for me. Meanwhile, I'll just countdown to the day the game's released.
Aside from the thoughts above, I was out with my mom. I wanted to bring her to have some ice cream at swensens but I have no idea where in orchard so ended up at H. Diaz. I figured since I did not really go over to genting with my parents last week and since it's been sometime since I spent some time with her I just went window shopping and temple to pray with her. I was slightly late, as in I finally found the bag I wanted in a shop suggested by my mom, but it was bought away from a patron who came earlier then me. No fate, I guess. I chuckled but all was not lost as the salesgirl was helpful enough and suggested making the same design using different material..gotta see the samples tomorrow. The next thing if I like is to ask whether theres a method to dye the bag to a colour I want.
Maybe there's one thing I did not say. The same guy who's writing this entry now died in Macau on March 2009.
20th Sept 09: "I think fate is a very special thing, coincidences arranged in a way beyond logical explanation." <= Hey, it rhymes 8D. This was basically what sparked in my mind when I heard abt the missing dog story from my mom ( the dog belongs to my aunt ). Having said that and some recent experiences, not strictly restricting to the story here. I think it's true although I used to think that fate was arranged but the result was determined by humans, sometimes unseen factors influence the result. Factors that you can't control. I think I am doing well in recovering, but in truth I'm not sure. I have a hidden fear, a possible phobia. I'm not going in depth for now because I know I am not ready. As such, not going to any AFA ( though I would like to go there ) or any events that has cosplay for me. Until maybe next year.
P.s: my game is finally starting in 4 hrs time. But not yet 100% integrated as my M1 ISP has not yet activated, i.e: using a slow connection to play, not sure whether is it possible. The past 2 days I have been listening to the theme song of Aion. ( Forgotten Sorrow )It's a nice and simple song, but I have no idea why I seem to be addicted to it. Maybe I find it fitting for the reason I play this game, partial escapism and rolling a female toon. I suspect I will be hooked for awhile at least hopefully till my wound has healed.
( this paragraph below was typed on the same day as the original entry )
Each gift, each sweet and kind action, you gave me will forever be treasured and remembered..
The songs you introduced me..am still listening and adore them very much. thank you =).
You are sweet and caring in your own way which I appreciate it very much which made me think was I being overboard to end it. I do not regret my actions, you were my jewel. But I cannot bear to see you fear me. You do not need fear and anxiety in your life amidst stress in studying. For the best of both parties, my farewell seems appropriate.
Happy memories will stay.. Subconsciously, they will be in my mind every moment as I roam the streets alone lost in my own thoughts. I only regret that I do not get to see you as a parting. I wish to remember your smile.
Our paths probably end here, though what future has in store I do not know. My long term misery has ended and is juz trying to get over the short term misery now.
I close the chapter of unrequited love.
27 Aug: ....a sleepless night. I cried, just a little. Because it was expected.
28 Aug: Misery. I had a wierd dream, travelling along long paths with people, I was guided by the King and Queen of Thailand who seem to be floating. ( The king of Thailand has been thought to be the incarnation of the god Vishnu ).
29 Aug : I wonder..is it wrong of me to think of the past happy moments you brought me.. and the sweet and thoughtful gestures you did..eventually I will get over it. eventually..
1st Sept: The one last thing remains to be done.
2nd Sept: No matter how you see me, I still see you as a friend ( I just can't bring my heart to terminate a friendship ). In the years to come should one day you need help, I am always willing to help. But till then,
I will not appear in front of you if possible.
I thought of the possibility of being friends, but I ruled that out. Friends to me is someone you can trust and not fear his or her presence. Since you fear me, there is no point. To be fair, searching my soul, I dun think I can withstand the sight of you being with your BF( if any ). AT LEAST, not for now. I'm not ready to withstand that onslaught. ( the only possible way for me to withstand it is unless I am convinced he is a good person and will treat you well OR I have gone to the state who is totally oblivious )
3rd Sept 09: Unexpected thing has happened and I got some closure which is good.
Of cuz the general outcome of the ending is still the same but at least it's been given the green light that we could say hi and have a small talk should we actually meet in events or coincidence. Can it be done actually? I think very much depends on the situation and environment at that time. But come to think of it, chances of meeting each other is almost zero as I rarely go to events nowadays. Maybe I will go to those new events that I nvr been during my absence from singapore, but trust me it's not going to be easy to catch me in events as I am going to go alone from now on and usually I dun stay long as crowds..make me feel feverish.
@3am: I am abit depressed, which though I hate to admit I know why. I have took some measures, but I suspect is due to lack of sleep which makes the haunting rather unbearable.
14th Sept 09: Looking back, time flies since my last update. The measures are working well. Is it because my heart has hardened or due to bad memory I am conveniently stashing it away or I am starting to get over it? I cannot tell is due to which..Somehow or the other, the kindness and cruelty seemed distant, though I dare not think of it for the pain stings. It is like..throwing a pebble onto a pool of stagnant water that is thinly protected by a crust.. I do not need to awaken what lies beneath in slumber or sinking. Recently I've been thinking..this situation is familiar... as though my solitary poly life revisited. The dirt cast into space. Away from the ozone layer for 5 years. The trees and the breathe of wind were my friends. Abandoned due to poor performance. I laugh. A bitter one. Whatever. 8 more days and I may be able to find salvation in my virtual game world. /shrugs. I'll see what fate has in store for me. Meanwhile, I'll just countdown to the day the game's released.
Aside from the thoughts above, I was out with my mom. I wanted to bring her to have some ice cream at swensens but I have no idea where in orchard so ended up at H. Diaz. I figured since I did not really go over to genting with my parents last week and since it's been sometime since I spent some time with her I just went window shopping and temple to pray with her. I was slightly late, as in I finally found the bag I wanted in a shop suggested by my mom, but it was bought away from a patron who came earlier then me. No fate, I guess. I chuckled but all was not lost as the salesgirl was helpful enough and suggested making the same design using different material..gotta see the samples tomorrow. The next thing if I like is to ask whether theres a method to dye the bag to a colour I want.
Maybe there's one thing I did not say. The same guy who's writing this entry now died in Macau on March 2009.
20th Sept 09: "I think fate is a very special thing, coincidences arranged in a way beyond logical explanation." <= Hey, it rhymes 8D. This was basically what sparked in my mind when I heard abt the missing dog story from my mom ( the dog belongs to my aunt ). Having said that and some recent experiences, not strictly restricting to the story here. I think it's true although I used to think that fate was arranged but the result was determined by humans, sometimes unseen factors influence the result. Factors that you can't control. I think I am doing well in recovering, but in truth I'm not sure. I have a hidden fear, a possible phobia. I'm not going in depth for now because I know I am not ready. As such, not going to any AFA ( though I would like to go there ) or any events that has cosplay for me. Until maybe next year.
P.s: my game is finally starting in 4 hrs time. But not yet 100% integrated as my M1 ISP has not yet activated, i.e: using a slow connection to play, not sure whether is it possible. The past 2 days I have been listening to the theme song of Aion. ( Forgotten Sorrow )It's a nice and simple song, but I have no idea why I seem to be addicted to it. Maybe I find it fitting for the reason I play this game, partial escapism and rolling a female toon. I suspect I will be hooked for awhile at least hopefully till my wound has healed.
( this paragraph below was typed on the same day as the original entry )
Each gift, each sweet and kind action, you gave me will forever be treasured and remembered..
The songs you introduced me..am still listening and adore them very much. thank you =).
You are sweet and caring in your own way which I appreciate it very much which made me think was I being overboard to end it. I do not regret my actions, you were my jewel. But I cannot bear to see you fear me. You do not need fear and anxiety in your life amidst stress in studying. For the best of both parties, my farewell seems appropriate.
Happy memories will stay.. Subconsciously, they will be in my mind every moment as I roam the streets alone lost in my own thoughts. I only regret that I do not get to see you as a parting. I wish to remember your smile.
Our paths probably end here, though what future has in store I do not know. My long term misery has ended and is juz trying to get over the short term misery now.
I close the chapter of unrequited love.