Silent Hearts at SM School 1/?
eunhyuk/donghae g; Love isn't something that always has to be expressed with words. After losing his hearing, Hyukjae doesn't smile much anymore.
loneliness loves me
. Time was running unusually that morning.
It was a Sunday, and Donghae had no lessons. He could have been in bed as the school had always allowed the students to have the weekend as free time.
Normally he stayed snuggled under his sheets whilst the sun rose on the wall opposite him. He enjoyed watching the shadows that were cast and listening to the silence. However that morning outside the dust-tinted windows, a fervent wind was blowing against the shutters, rolling shadowy outlines of the sweet orange blossoms that he had, on a whim, planted several years ago.
The school was set in a beautiful location and the apartments were stunning. Donghae knew he was very lucky to be attending such a impressive place. His father had paid for it, wanting the absolute best for him and Donghae was grateful. More grateful than he could ever begin to say.
There was no glimmer from the sun through the glass of his windows and Donghae had sighed. If he listened carefully enough he could make out the sound of individual raindrops outside his bedroom. As time progressed the patter of water merged into a continuous stream, the noise heavier, more daunting. He contemplated leaving behind the elusive morning. Was there any point getting up?
His head envisioned the floorboards creaking in the small kitchen and he smiled slightly to himself, welcoming his imagination. His feet touched the icy floor, his toes curling in shock at the temperature and his musings broke. He was alone. His little apartment felt more empty than normal and he wished, not for the first time, that there was someone else there.
Not being someone to dwell on unimportant things, he brushed away his dreams, locking away the hope and longing that seemed to reappear every morning. He slid his limbs into soft cottons, gentle linens and finally pulled a vanilla almond cashmere jumper over his head. The fabric brushed against his cheek as it obscured his vision momentarily.
The air around him was still and silent in the way that’s only possible very early in the morning. His clock in the living room had stopped overnight, the hands frozen at three o’clock. Donghae couldn’t stop looking at it, seeing the absence of time and not knowing how to react. Life had stopped. Nothing seemed to be breathing, the world was asleep; Donghae thought to himself that it was a very lonely time.
-
At that same moment, a couple of miles across the city, another boy was sitting alone watching the rain.
-
An hour later, an alert and solitary Donghae left his apartment. His feet paced across the uneven stones lining the school courtyard before they met pavement as he passed the school gates. He walked away from the school towards the town and headed towards a quiet alleyway just off the street.
On that raining Sunday morning Donghae sat at an old oak table inside a quaint coffee shop, thinking of the homework that awaited him when he returned. His English essay in particular was weighing on his mind.
The inside of the shop had been freshly decorated with creamy ecru lilies that were swathed with pale primroses and sugary sweet peas. He had never seen them there before. The scents were heavenly and Donghae found that they could distract him from his thoughts. The essay drifted from his mind.
The bell on the door behind him pealed and a soaring figure created a shadow across his china cup. His eyes, still wet with rain, had risen and through the steam they united with another pair. His gaze was serene as his lips drew into a small smile at the stranger. The mellow lighting in the room reflected off his pupils that were so irregular, mocha tinted stirred with lashings of rich honey.
Donghae had never met this stranger before, yet he instantly captivated him. His eyes were beautiful, deep. The boy seemed sorrowful.
Without a word, Donghae indicated with his hand for the stranger to sit onto the chair opposite him. The boy hesitated and then sat looking bewildered, surprised but also slightly pleased that Donghae had noticed him. The stranger ran his gaze across his side of the wood, before flickering to Donghae‘s eyes and then away again, obviously intrigued by the boldness in their encounter.
“I’m Donghae.” Donghae declared, his deep voice resonating through the small cafe. It was husky and had a delicious melodic tone which made Donghae slightly proud of it. He felt apprehensive suddenly, he wasn’t used to approaching strangers. He battled the feeling and quickly eradicated it, relaxing again.
“I feel like I‘ve met you before.” Donghae beamed, seeming delighted that the stranger wasn’t looking at him as if he was being impolite.
-
Hyukjae, the stranger, felt confused. He was disorientated, groggy almost. He had just been to visit the school he was due to start tomorrow and now he had been stopped as he was getting a coffee to calm his nerves. Did he know this boy? The way he had been invited to sit indicated that they had met before, however Hyukjae had no recollection of have doing so. Inside his head he searched through as many memories as he possibly could, sifting through to find the specific moment where they had encountered each other before, yet it was impossible. Three seconds passed.
‘Donghae,’ the boy had called himself. Hyukjae puzzled over the pronunciation, having not encountered the word before when using sign language. ‘Dong’ was simple enough, but was ‘hae’ enunciated with stress, or without? The difficulty of double vowels.
Hyukjae did not hear Donghae’s deep laugh but he could see the wide smile on his face and smiled too by reflex. He tried to hide the deep raspberry blush that spread across his cheeks, but his efforts were to no avail.
“You look kind of cool when you’re caught unaware.” Donghae said thoughtfully, a metal spoon pressed against his lower lips before nodding to himself a few times. Donghae blushed, feeling embarrassed by what he had just blurted out. He sounded perverse.
Hyukjae could only see the words formed on Donghae’s lips, see the shape his lips made, the way his tongue moved to create the silent sounds. The heat across Hyukjae’s face increased. Who was this man, and why was he calling him ‘kind of cool‘? Perhaps starting a new school was a bad idea, especially if the people who lived in this area were this strange. Hyukjae definitely didn’t feel cool. He couldn’t even hear anymore.
But there was something that had brought them here together, Hyukjae was sure. There was something tiny here that was stopping him from getting up and leaving this boy. He finally had someone to talk to. If he got up and left the shop, he knew that he would just go back to his piteous life. Anything was better than that.
There was no effort involved from Hyukjae’s side, however he still felt captivated. Perhaps it was the muted gracefulness from Donghae that had ensnared him, maybe it was his eyes or maybe even his childish smile, yet it was incomprehensible to Hyukjae that someone could have that effect on him when he had no interest in anything anymore. Hyukjae felt like he was floating in a dreamlike state, drifting in emotions that he hadn’t felt in months.
Hyukjae wondered if he should tell this boy, Donghae, that he had no idea what he was saying to him. He could understand some words, disjointed fragments of sentences, but nothing concrete, but Donghae’s mouth looked so enticing that Hyukjae couldn’t bear to tear his eyes away. Time passed in the shop, the hands on the clock rotating further and further to the right as Donghae spoke.
Not once did Donghae ask why Hyukjae didn’t reply. Hyukjae felt incredibly glad at his easygoing nature.
Fresh cups of fragrant tea descended onto the table along with two slices of banana pie. Donghae had ordered them to placate his empty tummy. He didn’t normally keep food inside his apartment as he more often than not ate in the canteen. He didn’t pause in his one sided conversation as his hands brushed against the small cubes of sugar in the cup between the two. He selected one tenderly, before bringing it to the edge of his cup and dropping it in with a sultry grin. His tongue licked at the sugar left on his graceful fingers as Hyukjae watched.
“These flowers are beautiful, aren’t they?” Donghae murmured, his index finger smoothing the indent of his philtrum in thought. He flushed again in embarrassment, he really needed to stop saying such cringe inducing things. Maybe the beer he had drunk last night at Kyuhyun’s party was still inside his system.
Hyukjae decided that Donghae had beautiful hands. By chance he caught the six words that Donghae said, only because he said them so slowly that his lips accentuated the sentence. Something inside of Hyukjae clicked. He wanted to reply to Donghae. He wanted to talk to this boy. Sorrow echoed inside of him that he couldn’t do so normally. He slid a pen from his pocket, placing the point against the paper napkin that had arrived with the pie. The ink pooled, spreading out through the fibres, intent on infecting the material.
“Do you come here often?” Hyukjae wrote carefully, keeping each stroke slow so that his handwriting was legible. He didn’t want to look too pleased that he had begun to make a new friend but Donghae was so sociable that it was a little breathtaking.
Donghae looked puzzled for a moment and then seemed shocked. He spoke slowly again. “You can’t… speak?”
Hyukjae shook his head without looking Donghae in the face. To show that Donghae had got the wrong idea he tapped his ears. Seconds ticked. Now that Donghae had found out Hyukjae couldn’t communicate with him, Hyukjae was sure that he wouldn’t want to stay here anymore. The excitement of conversing with a deaf person soon disintegrated when they find out how much effort it took. Hyukjae felt like crying.
To his surprise, after another long pause in time, Donghae carried on speaking. He didn’t make an excuse and leave. Hyukjae allowed himself a tiny sigh of relief.
Donghae reached across the table for the napkin and picked up the pen. He wrote in small handwriting.
“I‘ve only been a few times, but the flowers really caught my eye this morning.” He smiled, pointing towards a magnificent lily.
Hyukjae tried to imagine Donghae’s voice saying the words on the paper, the words on the paper that he was sure he had already memorised. Turning the napkin over, Hyukjae wrote too.
‘Do you live around here?’
“Yes, not far away.” Donghae said gently trying to be considerate to Hyukjae so that he could understand more easily.
Hyukjae’s vision wavered as tears formed in his eyes. Donghae was being far to kind to someone he had only just met. Hyukjae felt relieved that no-one knew him around this area. He was lucky that his parents had moved the entire family, just for him. He was blessed that Donghae had no idea what had happened to him, what his life had been like. He should be grateful that Donghae was just a stranger.
“What’s your name?” Donghae begged, his eyes open wide as he tried to look innocent.
Hyukjae paused momentarily before drawing the letters.
‘혁재＇
“Hyu- Hyuk.. Hyukjae.” Donghae finally managed after stuttering, he looked pleased with himself. Hyukjae felt a little happy that Donghae struggled with names, just like he had earlier when trying to pronounce Donghae’s.
“I know that we’ve never met before, Hyukjae.” Donghae scrawled, looking as though he enjoyed being able to use Hyukjae’s name. “But you seem like a nice person.”
Hyukjae faltered, not used to such directness.
“Could we meet again?” Donghae mouthed, smiling sadly as if expecting Hyukjae to say no.
How could Hyukjae say no? He had felt it too, that invisible pull between them both. It was more than curiosity, it was more like a gravitational force, a calculated inescapable energy. Hyukjae nodded, the corner of his lips pulling upwards into a real genuine smile. His eyes crinkled at the corners.
Donghae beamed as Hyukjae got to his feet. The chair scraped along the wooden floor as Hyukjae cast another shadow, rotated as the sun had changed position in the sky. The rain was beginning to stop. He drew his mobile number on the back of the paper they had used earlier and as it fluttered to the table he turned his back and walked out into the wintry Sunday air. They would meet again.
-
Hyukjae walked home slowly, his eyes carefully watching for the traffic that he was unable to hear. He missed the sound of the cars, that heavy roar of grey vehicles flashing through the city. He didn’t miss it as much as the sound of the wind rustling in the trees or music, but still, he missed it. It was noises like those that proved he was alive. He’d lost a sense, so what was to say he wasn’t imagining this?
Maybe moving to a new school after the incident would be good for him. Especially if Donghae lived in this area. It would be nice to finally have a friend.
After he had been walking for about an hour, his phone rung in his pocket as he was crossing a road. His hand reached down automatically in reaction to the vibration and he looked down. Unknown caller. Possibly Donghae. Hyukjae sighed. He couldn’t talk on the phone. His body swept with frustration. Surely Donghae should know that he wouldn’t be able to hear anything he said?
The vibration stopped. Hyukjae smoothed his thumb over the touch screen, saving the number into his contact list quickly. He stopped under a towering tree the other side of the road and began to create a new message. The shade made the display easier to see. He typed rapidly, the two lines taking up a small amount of space, but as Hyukjae read back through them he frowned, pressing the delete button. Really, it was Donghae’s fault for being an idiot. He began to walk, sliding his phone back into his pocket. He hoped Donghae would work it out eventually.
Donghae phoned again just as Hyukjae was sliding his key into the front door of his hotel room. He nimbly shut the door with a pirouette and slid the phone along the sofa. It bounced slightly before resting in the crease between the cushions. He didn’t know if the phone was still ringing now without feeling it, but he didn’t care. Donghae was a buffoon. Hyukjae thought he had finally met someone who understood what he was going through, but he hadn’t. Donghae didn’t understand him at all.
He removed his shoes, flung his socks with a sigh onto the carpet and climbed into the unfamiliar bed wearily, pulling his duvet high over his head to block out his thoughts. The silence in his head was crushing, loud, apart from there was no noise. It was more like a overwhelming pressure. All Hyukjae needed to do was sleep until he was strong enough to face reality.
In the living room, his phone stopped ringing.
-
Hyukjae wasn’t sure what hour it was when he woke. The sky had clouded over and it made it difficult to tell what time of day it was, as all overcast days looked as though it was early morning. Raindrops raced down the glass in the windows and he watched one particularly large droplet, willing it to reach the bottom fastest. It stopped halfway down and Hyukjae moped, scratching his neck absent-mindedly. He padded barefoot from the bedroom to the living room, flopped down onto the sofa and reached for his little cuboid of phone.
He had six missed calls and one message. Hyukjae ignored the calls and opened the tiny envelope icon. The message started to load. Hyukjae rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and yawned as he waited, and then three words popped onto the screen. He tried to stop himself smiling.
Donghae: ‘I’m an idiot.’
Hyukjae opened a reply and typed furiously, all the while unable to stop himself grinning. He looked down just to check for any mistakes and clicked send. He hoped Donghae got the message immediately. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back onto the sofa waiting for the moment Donghae responded.
Hyukjae: ’A buffoon.’
-
Donghae sat at his little kitchen table, his feet twisted behind the wooden legs on the chair. Every so often he looked down and read the words Hyukjae had sent him. A buffoon. Although they were clearly meant to insult, Donghae thought they seemed slightly affectionate too. He kind of liked it.
Donghae: Are you angry?
He sat there frozen, anticipating Hyukjae’s answer. Hyukjae didn’t reply for what seemed like a long time and Donghae wondered if he was too forward. His heart thumped irregularly and he was filled with a strange level of trepidation. His palms began to sweat. What if Hyukjae was angry with him? Donghae wanted to kick himself for his mistakes but found that it was impossible to adequately kick backwards. He settled instead for mentally torturing himself as he waited for a reply.
His fingers tapped on the wooden table. His phone beeped twice and Donghae’s hands slipped on the edges of the device in his rush to open it.
Hyukjae: Not anymore.
Donghae smiled and walked back into his bedroom to find his uniform.
.
| Chapter Two