Silent Hearts at SM School 3/?
eunhyuk/donghae
g; Love isn't something that always has to be expressed with words. After losing his hearing, Hyukjae doesn't smile much anymore.
conversations at midnight
He used the free hours he had after lessons to fold his clothes neatly into drawers when he returned to his room. The task was dull and distracted Hyukjae and he enjoyed it. He felt happy as he came across biscuits his mum had packed for him and found the worries of the day floating away.
Hyukjae’s door was flung open and he started, looking up shocked.
“I did knock.” Yesung teased. Hyukjae laughed lightly.
As Yesung flung himself down onto the sofa, Hyukjae couldn’t help but think that his sofa had probably been used more by Yesung than it had by himself.
“How has your second day been? Enjoying yourself?” Yesung asked. Hyukjae faltered, not sure of what to say and Yesung picked up on it straight away. “What’s happened?”
“Oh, nothing important. I just had a bit of an unpleasant incident this morning.” He said dully, still putting lone socks into pairs. He should have really done it before he packed.
“What do you mean?”
Hyukjae‘s short laugh was a monotone. “I, erm, there’s this boy Heechul who’s decided that he doesn’t like me.”
From Yesung’s shocked expression, Hyukjae gathered this wasn’t a good thing.
“You want to watch out, Hyukjae. Heechul isn’t someone that you really want to mess with. He’s dangerous. He’s chased students out of SM college before, really talented people. Even the people who hang around him don’t really like him, most are scared of him.” Yesung informed him.
Hyukjae thought how horrible that must be, to know that the people who were supposed to be your friends, weren’t. But the feeling soon disappeared as he remembered how scary Heechul was. Yesung tried to cheer him up, knowing that all this gloomy talk probably wasn’t going to raise Hyukjae’s spirit.
“Earlier I went and submitted our names together to share a room. I hope you don’t mind.” Yesung said casually, his small hand covering a wide yawn, the result from several sleepless nights.
“What did you say?” Hyukjae asked. “Sorry, I only caught the first bit because you covered your mouth.” He laughed a little ashamedly.
“Don’t worry about it.” Yesung waved off his apology, sitting up straighter. “I said, I submitted us as a pair for the apartment sharing. I hope you don’t mind, but I wanted to be with a friend.”
Hyukjae was dazzled. He must have done something right in a past life to have collected this must good fortune. Yesung had called him a ‘friend’ and that meant more to him than being chosen for something. A friend. He had one. Not saying anything he flopped onto the sofa beside Yesung and gave him a swift hug.
“When do we move in?” Hyukjae grinned, not even caring if his pronunciation was awful in those five words.
-
Hyukjae texted Donghae, remembering that he did have a link to the other boy. He had been stupid to forget but the stress of the day before had clouded his mind.
Hyukjae: I don’t understand why we can’t talk?
Donghae replied almost instantly and Hyukjae wondered if he was also sitting in his bed, doing nothing before sleeping. Whilst they were allowed out of the school grounds during the evenings, they had to be back by 10PM and after Yesung had left, there wasn’t time for Hyukjae to go out and explore the town. He would have to save it for another time.
Donghae: We can talk.
Hyukjae: No we can’t. You’re acting differently than when we first met, Donghae.
Donghae: How about we meet again and talk in person? There’s too much to say in a message.
-
Their fourth meeting was similar to their first, although the location was different. Hyukjae suggested they visited his favourite restaurant in the city on another Sunday night, he often visited it with his parents. Donghae had agreed because it was so far away from the school that he was unlikely to see anyone he knew.
The sun had set and the shadows along the street were indistinct as the stars had yet to come out. The weather was mild, but even so Hyukjae shivered a little as he walked to meet Donghae. The wind rustled in the trees lining the pavement as he rubbed his arms to try and warm them. He hardly ever came out without a jacket, but his mind had been on other things that evening. To be quite honest, just one thing.
He couldn’t wait to talk to Donghae and that thought scared him. He shouldn’t be this eager, should he?
When he arrived at the restaurant, they greeted each other shyly, Donghae was embarrassed because of how he had treated Hyukjae before and Hyukjae wad because he was unsure of what was going on. They sat down at a table and almost immediately a waiter walked towards them, recognising Hyukjae and asked, “Your usual?” Hyukjae smiled and nodded but held up two fingers. Donghae flushed at Hyukjae ordering for him.
They ate not really tasting the food, both caught up inside their own minds. Donghae negotiated the majority of the conversation and talked whilst Hyukjae watched. He spoke about nothing important, just making small talk whilst they ate. The serious conversation was being held until they had finished eating.
Hyukjae saw how Donghae held his chopsticks in the wrong hand and how he picked out the basil from his pasta. How he took three mouthfuls of food before sipping from his glass of water and then replaced the cup on his right hand side. How he liked to flick his hair out of his eyes often. How he was a lot more gentle than Hyukjae had first thought. Hyukjae thought he should probably be paying more attention to his dinner than Donghae, because this probably wasn’t normal behaviour.
But Hyukjae thought it was funny what you noticed when you really looked.
“You don’t like basil?” Hyukjae wrote, curious about his aversion to the green leaves.
Donghae laughed. “No, they’re horrible, they’ve always been one of the things I absolutely cannot stand. What do you hate? You don’t just have to say a food, by the way. I mean like a pet peeve or something.”
“I dislike being called baby or sugar. That’s pretty much it. I’m not fussy with food, films or music.” Hyukjae thought hard if there was anything else he really didn’t like, but couldn’t think of anything.
“I felt a little unsure when you ordered for me.” Donghae was saying, his mouth moving hesitantly and those shapes on his lips brought Hyukjae back to the present. Hyukjae tilted his head to the side inquisitively and Donghae unconsciously knew what he was asking.
“Only because I wasn’t sure if we would have the same tastes. Although, it seems as if we do.” Donghae responded to the silent question.
Hyukjae stared. How could Donghae be so different away from school? Apparently Donghae understood him because he set his chopsticks down carefully and wiped his mouth with a napkin.
“I’m still the same person, it’s just I can’t be myself at that school. You’ve seen how they act.” Donghae corrected himself. “How Heechul acts.”
“You’re scared of him?”
Donghae smiled at Hyukjae’s constant preparation and readiness for anything as his notepad appeared from under the table. The smile vanished as he saw the sentence and he shook his head adamantly. “No, I’m not scared of him. He‘s my friend. He‘s just a little less gentle than normal people.”
Hyukjae didn’t believe him.
It had been nice to meet someone so similar to himself, Hyukjae had thought. He had never trusted anyone completely, had never known someone absolutely and thought that Donghae was going to be the person who would make him change. Apparently he had been wrong. He didn‘t want Donghae to hate him when it suited him and then pick him up again when he wanted to. He didn‘t want to abandoned over and over again.
He had only ever accepted the love he thought he deserved and he had never let anyone become special to him. Right now he felt terrified at the blind faith he needed to give, at the colossal precipice he had approached and was now standing scared at. Being abandoned wasn’t something he was good at coping with.
He no longer believed in himself, so believing in someone else was precarious. How could he trust Donghae if Donghae didn’t even put him first?
When Hyukjae returned home to his apartment, he changed into pyjamas to feel more comfortable and sat down onto his bed tiredly. Meeting Donghae hadn’t really helped sort his muddled head out. He wanted to send Donghae a message, but if he did so, would he seem to eager? Donghae had already told him that he wanted them to be friends, but they couldn’t be in public. Donghae was scared of Heechul however much he denied it.
After careful deliberation Hyukjae let his heart lead and ignored his head. He sent the message before he changed his mind again and fell backwards onto the mattress. He really was tired.
Hyukjae: I had a lovely night tonight, thank you.
It was as he was in the clutches of sleep that his phone lit up the darkened room around him and his eyes opened blearily. The illumination from the screen caused his eyes to jam shut and he blinked hastily. As the room returned to normal and the little stars that had fizzled across his vision began to fade, he could read his new text.
Donghae: Me too.
-
The next day Hyukjae slept through his alarm and when he woke he decided to just stay in bed and think. Instead of making his life more difficult, wouldn’t it be more prudent to just try and avoid Heechul, Sungmin and the rest? Hyukjae swallowed painfully. Avoiding them also meant avoiding Donghae and that was the opposite of what he wanted.
Surely the attachment he was feeling for Donghae wasn’t normal. He didn’t feel this way about Yesung, and Yesung had been extremely kind to him. The day passed quickly as he sifted through his disjointed thoughts and the sun began to set before he noticed it. If he got into trouble tomorrow for skipping lessons, he didn’t care. He would just explain that he had felt ill.
He did feel a little light-headed as he closed his eyes to sleep again, but he was sure that was only because he had been laying down all day.
-
The canteen was never closed but the staff only started cooking at 7AM; so if you went earlier it was either fruit or cereal, and these options obviously didn’t appeal to any of the other students as the canteen was completely empty.
Donghae liked eating earlier than the others, but didn’t get to do so often as most days he overslept. He was a very deep sleeper, a trait he shared with his brother back in Mokpo. He smiled wistfully at the memory.
The silence around him shattered. Donghae looked around rapidly, looking for the person who would be creeping around the canteen at 6AM. Hyukjae stared back at him and he swallowed awkwardly. Why did Hyukjae get up to eat so early? After spending so much time with him last night, being this close now seemed normal. Hyukjae felt like a friend to him now.
“Back again?” Donghae said as Hyukjae scrutinised his face. Hyukjae nodded and instantly reached for his notepad.
“It’s better if I eat earlier, if I come at this time in the morning I’ll get to eat in peace.” He stepped forward slowly and they looked at each other, their eyes deep.
“Why can‘t you eat at the normal time?” Donghae stretched out his arms to emphasise what he meant, a frown settling itself into his features.
Time passed as Hyukjae stood thinking how to answer. The canteen looked unfamiliar and unfriendly in the dark and shadows fell across the dim walls. He didn’t want to tell Donghae that his friends were bullying him. It made him look weak, pathetic. He though Donghae knew anyway and admitting it was pointless.
“No reason.” The paper fell to the chilly floor as Hyukjae turned on his heel to return to bed, having suddenly lost his appetite. His prudence plan had failed, he wasn’t going to have breakfast that morning.
Donghae stared, confused.
-
Classes were difficult for Hyukjae. His fellow students did not know about his deafness and instead thought him rude. They made no attempt to speak to him and Hyukjae suffered on his own trying to write down notes from each lesson. This task was made more difficult because he had to look up to gain the information and then look back down to jot it onto paper. By the time he looked up again, the teacher had already moved on to something else and this frustrated Hyukjae.
He had been offered a helper. A woman who would sit with him in lessons and sign for him so he would be able to understand more of the lesson, but if he accepted this help, the other students would instantly know he was different. Hyukjae wasn’t stupid, he knew that the first rule of any school was that the people who were different got picked on. No, being different was definitely not something that he wanted to accentuate.
The students already shunned him because Heechul and Sungmin had marked him as their new target. He found himself avoiding their group in the corridors, taking detours to keep out of their way. He ate earlier in the mornings and was the last to visit the canteen in the evenings. His schedule revolved around them.
Dance was the one lesson that Hyukjae could not fully escape them. He still loved the subject, but their sniggers and taunts held him back, their watchful eyes judging him as he danced so he would hesitate or trip. Having Donghae’s eyes on him made his pulse race a little more rapidly than what was normal and he found it hard to concentrate. He still danced with passion, his limbs acting on their own accord, his body weightless, graceful, flexible. His teacher’s praises only caused more bad feeling and jealousy from Heechul and Sungmin. Donghae tried to distract them but every time they stole his things in the changing rooms, Hyukjae was powerless to ask for them back or stop them pushing him and Donghae was too.
Hyukjae could see why Donghae had chosen to have them as friends rather than enemies. If Donghae sided with him, then he would be subjected to the same torture.
Another week passed at Hyukjae’s new school and he found himself enjoying it less and less, that was until the day came that he moved in with Yesung. They got to keep room 37 under Yesung’s insistence that he didn’t mind moving his things. Hyukjae was grateful, he had only just got used to his apartment and moving would have been strange. He wondered if Yesung really did mind about moving but didn’t push it, because Yesung was doing him a massive favour. Yesung took the second bed on the right hand side of the room and Hyukjae felt as though his apartment was complete. There would be no more lonely evenings, no more struggling with his homework. He helped the other boy put his duvet cover onto his bed and beamed at the cheerful pattern that brightened the room.
“Do you mind if I set my things up on this desk?” Yesung pointed towards the wooden desk that Hyukjae had left untouched. Hyukjae shook his head lightly, all his things were on the chest of drawers to his right. He didn’t have many personal belongings any more.
-
“Your pirouette was wrong.” Heechul mocked. “Hangeng, show him how to do it.”
Hangeng got up coolly and stood in the middle of the dance room. His thin figure reflected back in the mirror and other dancers turned around curiously to see why the room had suddenly gone quiet. Hyukjae looked at Donghae but he looked away uncomfortably and Hyukjae felt slightly irritated. Donghae needed to learn to stand up for himself.
Really he wasn’t angry at Donghae. He knew that it wasn’t Donghae who needed to stand up for him, but rather himself who needed to do it. He hadn’t made any effort to end their actions and yet he was annoyed because Donghae wouldn’t.
His attention was taken when Hangeng began to move and he saw a faultless pirouette being preformed. Speechless, he looked back to Donghae but Heechul shoved him forward, his fingers tightening forcefully around his arms. His skin felt bruised.
“Your turn.” He sneered confidently. He wanted to make Hyukjae kneel at his feet, he wanted to crush him until he admitted that he was weaker.
Heechul smirked, knowing that Hyukjae had no chance of executing such a perfect spin. Although Hangeng rarely spoke, he was talented, Hyukjae had to admit. But he didn’t want to dance just because he had been told to and refused to follow Heechul’s command.
“Do it.” Heechul swaggered, his face clouded and dark. He was no longer messing about. There was no negotiation in his frozen expression.
Hyukjae stood still, partly from fear but also from a splinter of defiance. If he gave in now, he’d never be able to forget it, it would eat away at him, always regretting what he had done.
Unexpectedly Hyukjae was tumbling towards the ground. Heechul had darted forward, deceptively quick and had kicked him with his foot, silently victorious. A wall of amusement met Hyukjae’s eyes as his entire class pointed and laughed at the monster being knocked down. Everyone had seen him fall from various different angles in the mirrors. He bent his leg awkwardly as he fell and tears sprung to his eyes. He could take the soundless insults, but if his legs or arms got hurt, he wouldn’t be able to dance. He couldn’t take that. He’d be alive but he wouldn’t be living.
Students begun to leave the room and Hyukjae realised it was the end of class. He looked beseechingly at Donghae to help him up, but Sungmin was looking at Donghae expectantly and Donghae followed after Heechul, his eyes never leaving Hyukjae’s face. His eyes seemed remorseful, looking like he wanted to turn back time.
-
Donghae snuck back into the dance hall and he lifted Hyukjae, supporting him by pulling his arm over his shoulder.
“Are you okay?” He asked and Hyukjae shook his head. No.
Donghae dragged him out of the room and Hyukjae felt embarrassed by his weight. He was probably too heavy for Donghae to carry. Looking around from Donghae’s back, the corridors were empty and Hyukjae became conscious that it must be lesson time. As Donghae half heaved, half carried Hyukjae out of the school building, Hyukjae realised where they were headed. He reached into his pocket for his apartment key but his hand met material. He was still wearing his sweatpants, his things were in the changing rooms. He cringed. If he went back now he was sure to bump into someone he didn’t want to.
But Donghae looked as of he had no intention of taking Hyukjae back to his room, instead leading him past room 37 and the numbers kept increasing. 40, 47, 51, 54, Hyukjae winced at the pain in his thigh. Where was he being taken? The mystery was soon solved.
“We’re here. Let me just check Sungmin hasn’t come back for anything.” Donghae whispered cautiously outside his own apartment. Hyukjae was sure that his face was showing a surprised expression at the news of Donghae and Sungmin sharing a room. He also noted the room number of Donghae’s for future use. 54. He liked the number.
“I didn’t want to share with Sungmin, but he put our names down together.” Donghae scratched his head after laying Hyukjae down onto his sofa. “Stay still, let me have a look at your leg.”
He ran through to the miniature kitchen and turned the tap on, making a blue cloth ice cold and then filled it with ice from a mini freezer he had plugged into the wall. “It’s Sungmin’s.” Donghae explained at Hyukjae’s curious glance. Hyukjae rolled his eyes a little, of course Sungmin’s family would be rich. Why did people like him get so much luck?
The ice on his thigh was like a gift from heaven, but the numb feeling was horrible and bit into his wrist, trying not to groan. Donghae’s hand brushed a little too high up his thigh and Donghae leapt away from Hyukjae mortified as Hyukjae sat up quickly.
“Sorry! I’m sorry!” His face resembled a tomato. Trying to change the topic quickly to get rid of the awkward situation, Donghae carried on quietly. “I’m sorry for earlier, that I couldn‘t help you.”
Hyukjae became more serious as he watched Donghae. Was he really upset about earlier?
“You should just forget about me and let me go.” Donghae mumbled. “I’m not good enough for you. I can’t stand up for myself. I‘m not a good friend.”
Hyukjae pulled out a small scrap of paper he had tucked into his trainer. He carried it with him everywhere because being caught without any meant he couldn’t communicate. He looked around for a pen and Donghae, sensing what he wanted picked up a pencil from the kitchen and chucked it with a small flick of his arm. Hyukjae caught it with quick reflexes gained from dancing.
“I can’t let you go.” He underlined the word ‘can’t’ harshly, the pencil point denting the white material.
If Hyukjae didn’t have Donghae then this school would no longer feel like home to him. His real home was a thousand miles away, and he had never felt more alone than when he didn’t have Donghae. Without him, Hyukjae felt like he would no longer feel like living, even now, the hardest part was just concentrating on taking breaths to carry on, to keep on going. Without Donghae, what was he? No, he needed Donghae. Donghae was important to him. Donghae was the first friend he had made here.
“I’m sorry, it was my fault anyway. I know why you couldn‘t do anything because Heechul was there. I‘m just grateful that you came back.” Hyukjae scribbled onto the small scrap of paper he had left. His heart hurt that their friendship was so far built from frail bones of regret.
“I’ve turned my back on you more times than I’ve been kind.” Donghae cried, a tear slipping down his cheek. He wiped at it furiously, ashamed at his moment of weakness. He had no right to be crying when Hyukjae was the victim from his actions. “You should be hating me, not apologising.”
“I understand you though, Donghae. I don’t think I could hate you even if I tried.” Hyukjae wrote sadly before standing up, turning around and limping away, leaving Donghae alone in his apartment with his thoughts.
-
Hyukjae crawled into his bed feeling the unfamiliar coldness of his new bed. He wanted his own bed, not this stiff school one. Yesung wasn’t home yet and Hyukjae took the opportunity to bury his head into his pillow and scream his heart out until his throat hurt. Eventually he slipped into an exhausted, restless sleep and twisted in his dreams, unable to be peaceful, his thigh still burning.
g; Love isn't something that always has to be expressed with words. After losing his hearing, Hyukjae doesn't smile much anymore.
conversations at midnight
He used the free hours he had after lessons to fold his clothes neatly into drawers when he returned to his room. The task was dull and distracted Hyukjae and he enjoyed it. He felt happy as he came across biscuits his mum had packed for him and found the worries of the day floating away.
Hyukjae’s door was flung open and he started, looking up shocked.
“I did knock.” Yesung teased. Hyukjae laughed lightly.
As Yesung flung himself down onto the sofa, Hyukjae couldn’t help but think that his sofa had probably been used more by Yesung than it had by himself.
“How has your second day been? Enjoying yourself?” Yesung asked. Hyukjae faltered, not sure of what to say and Yesung picked up on it straight away. “What’s happened?”
“Oh, nothing important. I just had a bit of an unpleasant incident this morning.” He said dully, still putting lone socks into pairs. He should have really done it before he packed.
“What do you mean?”
Hyukjae‘s short laugh was a monotone. “I, erm, there’s this boy Heechul who’s decided that he doesn’t like me.”
From Yesung’s shocked expression, Hyukjae gathered this wasn’t a good thing.
“You want to watch out, Hyukjae. Heechul isn’t someone that you really want to mess with. He’s dangerous. He’s chased students out of SM college before, really talented people. Even the people who hang around him don’t really like him, most are scared of him.” Yesung informed him.
Hyukjae thought how horrible that must be, to know that the people who were supposed to be your friends, weren’t. But the feeling soon disappeared as he remembered how scary Heechul was. Yesung tried to cheer him up, knowing that all this gloomy talk probably wasn’t going to raise Hyukjae’s spirit.
“Earlier I went and submitted our names together to share a room. I hope you don’t mind.” Yesung said casually, his small hand covering a wide yawn, the result from several sleepless nights.
“What did you say?” Hyukjae asked. “Sorry, I only caught the first bit because you covered your mouth.” He laughed a little ashamedly.
“Don’t worry about it.” Yesung waved off his apology, sitting up straighter. “I said, I submitted us as a pair for the apartment sharing. I hope you don’t mind, but I wanted to be with a friend.”
Hyukjae was dazzled. He must have done something right in a past life to have collected this must good fortune. Yesung had called him a ‘friend’ and that meant more to him than being chosen for something. A friend. He had one. Not saying anything he flopped onto the sofa beside Yesung and gave him a swift hug.
“When do we move in?” Hyukjae grinned, not even caring if his pronunciation was awful in those five words.
-
Hyukjae texted Donghae, remembering that he did have a link to the other boy. He had been stupid to forget but the stress of the day before had clouded his mind.
Hyukjae: I don’t understand why we can’t talk?
Donghae replied almost instantly and Hyukjae wondered if he was also sitting in his bed, doing nothing before sleeping. Whilst they were allowed out of the school grounds during the evenings, they had to be back by 10PM and after Yesung had left, there wasn’t time for Hyukjae to go out and explore the town. He would have to save it for another time.
Donghae: We can talk.
Hyukjae: No we can’t. You’re acting differently than when we first met, Donghae.
Donghae: How about we meet again and talk in person? There’s too much to say in a message.
-
Their fourth meeting was similar to their first, although the location was different. Hyukjae suggested they visited his favourite restaurant in the city on another Sunday night, he often visited it with his parents. Donghae had agreed because it was so far away from the school that he was unlikely to see anyone he knew.
The sun had set and the shadows along the street were indistinct as the stars had yet to come out. The weather was mild, but even so Hyukjae shivered a little as he walked to meet Donghae. The wind rustled in the trees lining the pavement as he rubbed his arms to try and warm them. He hardly ever came out without a jacket, but his mind had been on other things that evening. To be quite honest, just one thing.
He couldn’t wait to talk to Donghae and that thought scared him. He shouldn’t be this eager, should he?
When he arrived at the restaurant, they greeted each other shyly, Donghae was embarrassed because of how he had treated Hyukjae before and Hyukjae wad because he was unsure of what was going on. They sat down at a table and almost immediately a waiter walked towards them, recognising Hyukjae and asked, “Your usual?” Hyukjae smiled and nodded but held up two fingers. Donghae flushed at Hyukjae ordering for him.
They ate not really tasting the food, both caught up inside their own minds. Donghae negotiated the majority of the conversation and talked whilst Hyukjae watched. He spoke about nothing important, just making small talk whilst they ate. The serious conversation was being held until they had finished eating.
Hyukjae saw how Donghae held his chopsticks in the wrong hand and how he picked out the basil from his pasta. How he took three mouthfuls of food before sipping from his glass of water and then replaced the cup on his right hand side. How he liked to flick his hair out of his eyes often. How he was a lot more gentle than Hyukjae had first thought. Hyukjae thought he should probably be paying more attention to his dinner than Donghae, because this probably wasn’t normal behaviour.
But Hyukjae thought it was funny what you noticed when you really looked.
“You don’t like basil?” Hyukjae wrote, curious about his aversion to the green leaves.
Donghae laughed. “No, they’re horrible, they’ve always been one of the things I absolutely cannot stand. What do you hate? You don’t just have to say a food, by the way. I mean like a pet peeve or something.”
“I dislike being called baby or sugar. That’s pretty much it. I’m not fussy with food, films or music.” Hyukjae thought hard if there was anything else he really didn’t like, but couldn’t think of anything.
“I felt a little unsure when you ordered for me.” Donghae was saying, his mouth moving hesitantly and those shapes on his lips brought Hyukjae back to the present. Hyukjae tilted his head to the side inquisitively and Donghae unconsciously knew what he was asking.
“Only because I wasn’t sure if we would have the same tastes. Although, it seems as if we do.” Donghae responded to the silent question.
Hyukjae stared. How could Donghae be so different away from school? Apparently Donghae understood him because he set his chopsticks down carefully and wiped his mouth with a napkin.
“I’m still the same person, it’s just I can’t be myself at that school. You’ve seen how they act.” Donghae corrected himself. “How Heechul acts.”
“You’re scared of him?”
Donghae smiled at Hyukjae’s constant preparation and readiness for anything as his notepad appeared from under the table. The smile vanished as he saw the sentence and he shook his head adamantly. “No, I’m not scared of him. He‘s my friend. He‘s just a little less gentle than normal people.”
Hyukjae didn’t believe him.
It had been nice to meet someone so similar to himself, Hyukjae had thought. He had never trusted anyone completely, had never known someone absolutely and thought that Donghae was going to be the person who would make him change. Apparently he had been wrong. He didn‘t want Donghae to hate him when it suited him and then pick him up again when he wanted to. He didn‘t want to abandoned over and over again.
He had only ever accepted the love he thought he deserved and he had never let anyone become special to him. Right now he felt terrified at the blind faith he needed to give, at the colossal precipice he had approached and was now standing scared at. Being abandoned wasn’t something he was good at coping with.
He no longer believed in himself, so believing in someone else was precarious. How could he trust Donghae if Donghae didn’t even put him first?
When Hyukjae returned home to his apartment, he changed into pyjamas to feel more comfortable and sat down onto his bed tiredly. Meeting Donghae hadn’t really helped sort his muddled head out. He wanted to send Donghae a message, but if he did so, would he seem to eager? Donghae had already told him that he wanted them to be friends, but they couldn’t be in public. Donghae was scared of Heechul however much he denied it.
After careful deliberation Hyukjae let his heart lead and ignored his head. He sent the message before he changed his mind again and fell backwards onto the mattress. He really was tired.
Hyukjae: I had a lovely night tonight, thank you.
It was as he was in the clutches of sleep that his phone lit up the darkened room around him and his eyes opened blearily. The illumination from the screen caused his eyes to jam shut and he blinked hastily. As the room returned to normal and the little stars that had fizzled across his vision began to fade, he could read his new text.
Donghae: Me too.
-
The next day Hyukjae slept through his alarm and when he woke he decided to just stay in bed and think. Instead of making his life more difficult, wouldn’t it be more prudent to just try and avoid Heechul, Sungmin and the rest? Hyukjae swallowed painfully. Avoiding them also meant avoiding Donghae and that was the opposite of what he wanted.
Surely the attachment he was feeling for Donghae wasn’t normal. He didn’t feel this way about Yesung, and Yesung had been extremely kind to him. The day passed quickly as he sifted through his disjointed thoughts and the sun began to set before he noticed it. If he got into trouble tomorrow for skipping lessons, he didn’t care. He would just explain that he had felt ill.
He did feel a little light-headed as he closed his eyes to sleep again, but he was sure that was only because he had been laying down all day.
-
The canteen was never closed but the staff only started cooking at 7AM; so if you went earlier it was either fruit or cereal, and these options obviously didn’t appeal to any of the other students as the canteen was completely empty.
Donghae liked eating earlier than the others, but didn’t get to do so often as most days he overslept. He was a very deep sleeper, a trait he shared with his brother back in Mokpo. He smiled wistfully at the memory.
The silence around him shattered. Donghae looked around rapidly, looking for the person who would be creeping around the canteen at 6AM. Hyukjae stared back at him and he swallowed awkwardly. Why did Hyukjae get up to eat so early? After spending so much time with him last night, being this close now seemed normal. Hyukjae felt like a friend to him now.
“Back again?” Donghae said as Hyukjae scrutinised his face. Hyukjae nodded and instantly reached for his notepad.
“It’s better if I eat earlier, if I come at this time in the morning I’ll get to eat in peace.” He stepped forward slowly and they looked at each other, their eyes deep.
“Why can‘t you eat at the normal time?” Donghae stretched out his arms to emphasise what he meant, a frown settling itself into his features.
Time passed as Hyukjae stood thinking how to answer. The canteen looked unfamiliar and unfriendly in the dark and shadows fell across the dim walls. He didn’t want to tell Donghae that his friends were bullying him. It made him look weak, pathetic. He though Donghae knew anyway and admitting it was pointless.
“No reason.” The paper fell to the chilly floor as Hyukjae turned on his heel to return to bed, having suddenly lost his appetite. His prudence plan had failed, he wasn’t going to have breakfast that morning.
Donghae stared, confused.
-
Classes were difficult for Hyukjae. His fellow students did not know about his deafness and instead thought him rude. They made no attempt to speak to him and Hyukjae suffered on his own trying to write down notes from each lesson. This task was made more difficult because he had to look up to gain the information and then look back down to jot it onto paper. By the time he looked up again, the teacher had already moved on to something else and this frustrated Hyukjae.
He had been offered a helper. A woman who would sit with him in lessons and sign for him so he would be able to understand more of the lesson, but if he accepted this help, the other students would instantly know he was different. Hyukjae wasn’t stupid, he knew that the first rule of any school was that the people who were different got picked on. No, being different was definitely not something that he wanted to accentuate.
The students already shunned him because Heechul and Sungmin had marked him as their new target. He found himself avoiding their group in the corridors, taking detours to keep out of their way. He ate earlier in the mornings and was the last to visit the canteen in the evenings. His schedule revolved around them.
Dance was the one lesson that Hyukjae could not fully escape them. He still loved the subject, but their sniggers and taunts held him back, their watchful eyes judging him as he danced so he would hesitate or trip. Having Donghae’s eyes on him made his pulse race a little more rapidly than what was normal and he found it hard to concentrate. He still danced with passion, his limbs acting on their own accord, his body weightless, graceful, flexible. His teacher’s praises only caused more bad feeling and jealousy from Heechul and Sungmin. Donghae tried to distract them but every time they stole his things in the changing rooms, Hyukjae was powerless to ask for them back or stop them pushing him and Donghae was too.
Hyukjae could see why Donghae had chosen to have them as friends rather than enemies. If Donghae sided with him, then he would be subjected to the same torture.
Another week passed at Hyukjae’s new school and he found himself enjoying it less and less, that was until the day came that he moved in with Yesung. They got to keep room 37 under Yesung’s insistence that he didn’t mind moving his things. Hyukjae was grateful, he had only just got used to his apartment and moving would have been strange. He wondered if Yesung really did mind about moving but didn’t push it, because Yesung was doing him a massive favour. Yesung took the second bed on the right hand side of the room and Hyukjae felt as though his apartment was complete. There would be no more lonely evenings, no more struggling with his homework. He helped the other boy put his duvet cover onto his bed and beamed at the cheerful pattern that brightened the room.
“Do you mind if I set my things up on this desk?” Yesung pointed towards the wooden desk that Hyukjae had left untouched. Hyukjae shook his head lightly, all his things were on the chest of drawers to his right. He didn’t have many personal belongings any more.
-
“Your pirouette was wrong.” Heechul mocked. “Hangeng, show him how to do it.”
Hangeng got up coolly and stood in the middle of the dance room. His thin figure reflected back in the mirror and other dancers turned around curiously to see why the room had suddenly gone quiet. Hyukjae looked at Donghae but he looked away uncomfortably and Hyukjae felt slightly irritated. Donghae needed to learn to stand up for himself.
Really he wasn’t angry at Donghae. He knew that it wasn’t Donghae who needed to stand up for him, but rather himself who needed to do it. He hadn’t made any effort to end their actions and yet he was annoyed because Donghae wouldn’t.
His attention was taken when Hangeng began to move and he saw a faultless pirouette being preformed. Speechless, he looked back to Donghae but Heechul shoved him forward, his fingers tightening forcefully around his arms. His skin felt bruised.
“Your turn.” He sneered confidently. He wanted to make Hyukjae kneel at his feet, he wanted to crush him until he admitted that he was weaker.
Heechul smirked, knowing that Hyukjae had no chance of executing such a perfect spin. Although Hangeng rarely spoke, he was talented, Hyukjae had to admit. But he didn’t want to dance just because he had been told to and refused to follow Heechul’s command.
“Do it.” Heechul swaggered, his face clouded and dark. He was no longer messing about. There was no negotiation in his frozen expression.
Hyukjae stood still, partly from fear but also from a splinter of defiance. If he gave in now, he’d never be able to forget it, it would eat away at him, always regretting what he had done.
Unexpectedly Hyukjae was tumbling towards the ground. Heechul had darted forward, deceptively quick and had kicked him with his foot, silently victorious. A wall of amusement met Hyukjae’s eyes as his entire class pointed and laughed at the monster being knocked down. Everyone had seen him fall from various different angles in the mirrors. He bent his leg awkwardly as he fell and tears sprung to his eyes. He could take the soundless insults, but if his legs or arms got hurt, he wouldn’t be able to dance. He couldn’t take that. He’d be alive but he wouldn’t be living.
Students begun to leave the room and Hyukjae realised it was the end of class. He looked beseechingly at Donghae to help him up, but Sungmin was looking at Donghae expectantly and Donghae followed after Heechul, his eyes never leaving Hyukjae’s face. His eyes seemed remorseful, looking like he wanted to turn back time.
-
Donghae snuck back into the dance hall and he lifted Hyukjae, supporting him by pulling his arm over his shoulder.
“Are you okay?” He asked and Hyukjae shook his head. No.
Donghae dragged him out of the room and Hyukjae felt embarrassed by his weight. He was probably too heavy for Donghae to carry. Looking around from Donghae’s back, the corridors were empty and Hyukjae became conscious that it must be lesson time. As Donghae half heaved, half carried Hyukjae out of the school building, Hyukjae realised where they were headed. He reached into his pocket for his apartment key but his hand met material. He was still wearing his sweatpants, his things were in the changing rooms. He cringed. If he went back now he was sure to bump into someone he didn’t want to.
But Donghae looked as of he had no intention of taking Hyukjae back to his room, instead leading him past room 37 and the numbers kept increasing. 40, 47, 51, 54, Hyukjae winced at the pain in his thigh. Where was he being taken? The mystery was soon solved.
“We’re here. Let me just check Sungmin hasn’t come back for anything.” Donghae whispered cautiously outside his own apartment. Hyukjae was sure that his face was showing a surprised expression at the news of Donghae and Sungmin sharing a room. He also noted the room number of Donghae’s for future use. 54. He liked the number.
“I didn’t want to share with Sungmin, but he put our names down together.” Donghae scratched his head after laying Hyukjae down onto his sofa. “Stay still, let me have a look at your leg.”
He ran through to the miniature kitchen and turned the tap on, making a blue cloth ice cold and then filled it with ice from a mini freezer he had plugged into the wall. “It’s Sungmin’s.” Donghae explained at Hyukjae’s curious glance. Hyukjae rolled his eyes a little, of course Sungmin’s family would be rich. Why did people like him get so much luck?
The ice on his thigh was like a gift from heaven, but the numb feeling was horrible and bit into his wrist, trying not to groan. Donghae’s hand brushed a little too high up his thigh and Donghae leapt away from Hyukjae mortified as Hyukjae sat up quickly.
“Sorry! I’m sorry!” His face resembled a tomato. Trying to change the topic quickly to get rid of the awkward situation, Donghae carried on quietly. “I’m sorry for earlier, that I couldn‘t help you.”
Hyukjae became more serious as he watched Donghae. Was he really upset about earlier?
“You should just forget about me and let me go.” Donghae mumbled. “I’m not good enough for you. I can’t stand up for myself. I‘m not a good friend.”
Hyukjae pulled out a small scrap of paper he had tucked into his trainer. He carried it with him everywhere because being caught without any meant he couldn’t communicate. He looked around for a pen and Donghae, sensing what he wanted picked up a pencil from the kitchen and chucked it with a small flick of his arm. Hyukjae caught it with quick reflexes gained from dancing.
“I can’t let you go.” He underlined the word ‘can’t’ harshly, the pencil point denting the white material.
If Hyukjae didn’t have Donghae then this school would no longer feel like home to him. His real home was a thousand miles away, and he had never felt more alone than when he didn’t have Donghae. Without him, Hyukjae felt like he would no longer feel like living, even now, the hardest part was just concentrating on taking breaths to carry on, to keep on going. Without Donghae, what was he? No, he needed Donghae. Donghae was important to him. Donghae was the first friend he had made here.
“I’m sorry, it was my fault anyway. I know why you couldn‘t do anything because Heechul was there. I‘m just grateful that you came back.” Hyukjae scribbled onto the small scrap of paper he had left. His heart hurt that their friendship was so far built from frail bones of regret.
“I’ve turned my back on you more times than I’ve been kind.” Donghae cried, a tear slipping down his cheek. He wiped at it furiously, ashamed at his moment of weakness. He had no right to be crying when Hyukjae was the victim from his actions. “You should be hating me, not apologising.”
“I understand you though, Donghae. I don’t think I could hate you even if I tried.” Hyukjae wrote sadly before standing up, turning around and limping away, leaving Donghae alone in his apartment with his thoughts.
-
Hyukjae crawled into his bed feeling the unfamiliar coldness of his new bed. He wanted his own bed, not this stiff school one. Yesung wasn’t home yet and Hyukjae took the opportunity to bury his head into his pillow and scream his heart out until his throat hurt. Eventually he slipped into an exhausted, restless sleep and twisted in his dreams, unable to be peaceful, his thigh still burning.