[Fanfic] Confession-- Heechul POV
Title: Confession (Heechul's P.O.V); side story of "Could I Love You"
Author: ichijo_rui
Pairing: Heewan, SiKwang
Rating: G
Genre: AU, drama, slice of life
Summary: Heechul is a shy boy, he didn't know what he wanted in life other than Siwan. But of course, he couldn't always rely on Siwan.
A/N: This is Heechul's story where he first know Siwan. A prequel of my series "Could I Love You". I might make another side stories of the other point of view, so you'll understand every single reason of their acts in the series. ^__^ And yes, I'm working on chapter 5. =)
Sometimes I hate to be the oldest son in this family. Because it means you have to be the role model for your siblings and you always have to think about your siblings’ importance before yours. Not that I hate them-I do love my little brothers, really-but sometimes it’s kinda lonely too. We have quite large difference in age, and my mom always cared more about my brothers. My father? Haha. Don’t ask, he just need to know that his son is doing well in school. He wouldn’t care about the rest.
I don’t really get along with the boys around my house. I’m a shy boy, I don’t talk a lot unless they’re asking me. Sometimes I want to join them, but just to say “Hey, can I play with you” needs an extra effort. My body can’t move, my tongue goes numb and no matter how hard I try to start a conversation there’s no voice come out. My mouth opens but I can only show them my robot figures without saying anything. The boys will stare at me from head to toe and laugh at me. One by one, they leave me alone. That’s sad, I really hate that condition.
That’s why I rarely play with my neighbor; I’d rather play inside my house. Yes, I was an introvert kid. I rarely talk with others, and sometimes when someone greeted me I would just nod my head and left. Or maybe the worst, I’d tell them to go away.
Sad, really. But I just don’t know what to do. Everything feels so awkward.
***
I still remember the first time I meet him. It was summer holiday and I was in my 5th year of elementary school. Mom says he’s my cousin from Busan-he’s my mother’s sister’s son. He’s here, in Jeju, because his parents were going overseas.
“Heechulie, this is your hyung. His name is Siwan, you have to get along well with him okay?” Mom said, introducing him. I was watching ‘Power Ranger’ that day, but he quickly took over my attention.
“Hi Heechul, I’m Siwan.” He smiled warmly and greeted me.
“H-hi.” I greeted him back.
“He’s a shy boy, Siwannie. You should ask him to play outside this summer.” Mom said to Siwan. “He spent too much time in front of TV.”
“What should I do, umma is busy with them.” I sneered and pointed at my dongsaengs who was playing with their lego.
“Aigo Heechullie, you’re 10 years old already. You can play by yourself.” Mom nagged. “Or maybe you should accompany your brothers to play.”
“I did,” I argued. “But you got angry with me.”
“You asked them to draw at my wall!!” Mom pinched my cheek. “Of course I’m angry my dear.”
Siwan laughed at us. “Don’t worry Imo, I’ll be here during my summer holiday. We’ll be friends in no time.”
“Good.” Mom sighed in relief. “Heechullie, help your hyung to bring his bag to your room. He’s going to sleep with you.”
“Ne, arasseo!” I walked closer and brought one of his bag. “Hyung, this way.” I showed him the way.
To be honest, I’ve never been that enthusiastic with a person before.
“Hyung, how old are you?” I asked him, we were sorting his luggage together in my room.
“Me? I’m 12 years old.”
“So you’re at your 1st year of junior high school already?”
“Not yet, but I will start my first year of junior high school really soon. I will enroll at the most favorite school in Busan.” He grinned. “I can’t wait.”
“Cool! Hey, what is that?” I pointed at a black case he brought. It looks like a…
“Violin.” He answered. “This is my precious thing.”
“You can play violin?” I asked curiously.
“Yeah, want to try?” He offered.
I shook my head. “I can’t play music. I’m afraid I’ll break it. Umma will be angry.”
“Want me to teach you? You should try playing music, it’s fun.” Siwan smiled.
I nodded weakly. “…but I don’t think I can. I can do nothing special.”
“What are you talking about? Of course you can. You can do everything, as long as you are willing to study.” Siwan ensured me.
===
That was our first conversation. And I always keep it on my mind until this day, “you can do anything, as long as you are willing to study.”
He was the first person that I can be opened up to. I could tell everything to him, and he would pay an extra attention to me. He’s the first person that able to break my introvert side. Even mom said I’ve became a brighter kid since he came. Every day we would ride bicycle along the road and he greeted everyone we met there. Either it’s old or young, he greeted them all with smile.
“Aigo, isn’t this our Heechul?” A middle-age woman from our neighborhood said. We greeted her when we met her on our way. “How are you?”
“Annyeonghaseyo halmeoni.” I bowed and greeted her. “I’m fine. Thank you for your concern.”
“Wow, I’ve never known you’re this polite.” She praised. Siwan taught me to be polite. He said he’s always been taught to be polite by his mom so it’s a habit for him.
“Thank you.” I smiled. I rarely get praised by my neighbors, that because I rarely spent my time outside.
“By the way, who are you, boy? I’ve never seen you before.” The halmeoni asked Siwan.
“Ah, bangapseupnida. My name is Im Siwan. I am Heechul’s cousin.” Siwan bowed and introduced himself. The halmeoni really impressed by Siwan’s politeness, she talked with him for about 15minutes before finally she had to go.
“I bet you never talk to her before, huh?” Siwan chuckled, he paddled the bicycle.
I nodded my head and laughed. “Hyung, you know me really well. I can’t believe you’ve only known me for 2 weeks only.”
“There’s nothing that Im Siwan doesn’t know.” He laughed. We were going to visit the flower field that the kids been talking about. It’s 1km from my house, not really far. He promised to perform a song with his violin.
“We’re here.” He stopped the bicycle and gasped at the beauty of the flower all over the field. “It’s very beautiful.”
I jumped off the bicycle and handed him the violin. “Yeah, it really is.”
Siwan took his violin and smiled. “What should I play to you?”
“Anything hyung,” I said.
Siwan walked through the flowers; he stood amidst them and yelled. “Heechullie, you have to listen to me really well okay!”
Then he began to fiddle his violin’s string. Melodies heaved sonorously; it’s quite a surprise for a kid like him to produce such a voice like that. Then he began to sing, I didn’t know what song he played that time. I’ve only known that it thrilled my heart so much that my tears fell without I even realized.
He’s even more beautiful than the flower among him.
“How’s my performance?” Siwan asked after he finished perform three songs for me. “Am I good enough to be violist?”
I couldn’t say anything; I could only stare at him and smiled.
Siwan laughed and walked approaching me. “Why are you crying, my dongsaeng?”
“It’s too beautiful…” I wiped my tears. “You’re so great hyung!”
“Thank you.” Siwan smiled and lied on his body next to me. “Whoa, I’m so tired.”
“I’ll ride the bicycle,” I said. “You can sit on the back.”
“Heechullie,” Siwan called.
“Yeah?”
“I’m going home tomorrow.” He said, suddenly his face turned gloomy. “Sorry I Haven’t told you before.”
“…why?”
“Holiday will end soon, and my tutor class starts on Monday.” He explained. “I’m worry, I’m afraid I won’t get into the favorite jr. high school that I want.”
“Don’t worry hyung, you’ll be able to pass it.” I encouraged him. Thanks to him, during the past 2 weeks I became more mature. “Hwaiting.”
Siwan smiled in relief. “Thank you, Heechulie.”
“Hyung, you will be back next holiday, right?”
“Sure.” He nodded. “Promise. And you can call me anytime.”
We made a pinky finger promise that day. 10 years old, I experienced my first love with my own cousin.
***
Time sure goes by without I realize. I’m still the same introvert boy, but I don’t spend all of my time in front of TV. I asked my mom to let me learn trumpet. I greeted my neighbors like Siwan taught me before. I studied hard every day, so I can go to the same school as him. I learned to open myself to my friends-because Siwan told me to. He still come back though, we’d go spend our time together outside when he visited me.
When I was 13 years old, dad let me visit Siwan’s house in Busan. His house was really nice, but his parents were busy. They rarely at home, so usually there were only Siwan, his nuna and a servant. And I’ve never know before, his parents want him to be an engineer or something. He has to study really hard to meet his parents’ expectation. I was so angry that time; I want to protest his parents and asked them to let Siwan do whatever he wants. But he smiled gently and patted my head. He said he didn’t mind to grant his parents’ wish, although he likes fashion more than math. He said someday he’ll open his own store and still working at engineering.
I admire him, really. He’s smart, and he knew how to combine his ambition and his parents wish. He’s a perfect son. He’s like my role model; whatever I choose in my life was basically because of him.
Anyway, I also met Kim Dongjun there. He’s Siwan’s neighbor and he’s fun to play with. The three of us often spent time together every time I came to Busan. Sometimes we played with the other boys too, but mostly we spent it by just the three of us.
From that day, there was no more ‘Lonely Heechul’. We’ve develop a strong bond of friendship until today. And yes, Siwan had no idea about my secret crush to him. Dongjun was the only person who knew about it. I never clearly showed my emotion either. As long as I can be together with him, it’s okay for me. He’s mine, and I’m his.
My teenage days revolved around him and Dongjun. Without I realized, the three of us had grown up already. Siwan entered Engineering Faculty already in Seoul, I was in my last year of high school and Dongjun was in his last year of Jr. High School. We rarely met each other again, but we always kept in touch by phone and internet. Then, life suddenly became too hectic for me. Mom and Dad always asking me to study hard for university enrollment test, and they forbid me to play trumpet again. Dad wanted me to enroll at Jeju’s university or somewhere that wasn’t far from house.
I want to be with Siwan.
I told my dad about it and he clearly disagreed with me. Like please, suddenly he became overprotective and said Seoul wouldn’t fit for me. What did he know about me? He only glanced through my semester report and cared nothing about me. I tried to convince him, I showed my achievement in school but still he wouldn’t approve. That was the first time I got really angry with my father. No matter how hard I tried to convince him, he would say no and told me to stay in Jeju. Finally, after the countless fight with my dad, I decided to run away from my house. Actually that was not my first time doing that thing, I ran away a few times, but always came back after several days missing from home. I knew mom cried a lot because of me, but I just couldn’t stand my dad anymore. My brothers were no help either. Since I’m not really close to them, they wouldn’t hold a brief for me.
That night, before I left the house, I decided to talk with my mom. I talked to her, I want to go to Seoul and live with Siwan there. I said I would study hard and worked to feed myself. My mom cried, she asked if it’s really what I want with worried look in her eyes. I ensured her; I really wanted to continue my study there.
I felt so miserable to make my mom shed tears a lot that night. She hugged me really tight and gave me some money for accommodation.
“Promise umma, you’ll study hard there. Don’t be a burden to Siwan, and either you’ll pass the enrollment test or not, you have to come back here.” Said mom.
“I will.” I hugged my mom tightly and kissed her cheek. “Thank you very much umma. I’m sorry I’ve been such a rebel kid.”
“Take care of yourself, Heechullie.” My mom said. “I support you.”
I left immediately in the next morning, nobody knew about it except my mother. I knew she worried so much, but life under pressure was like a living hell. I can’t stay there.
“Dongjunnie, I ran away from home. This time is for real.” I texted Dongjun before I got on plane. “I’ll go to Seoul. I’ll go to Siwan’s place.”
I imagined how Siwan’s expression would be when he saw me in front of his house. He must be surprised. Just to imagine that made my heart beat faster. I was so nervous, I’ve never been to Seoul before. I don’t know where exactly Siwan’s house is either-only knew his address.
Would he be mad on him? Or would he look happy? Oh gosh, I was so confused that day. When I finally reached his place, I didn’t dare myself to knock on the door. Suddenly I turned back into my 6 years old self-my super introvert self. I thought thousand times before I finally dared to knock once on the door. What if, what if he didn’t want me? What if…?
“Yes? Can I help you?” Somebody opened the door and no, it’s not Siwan.
“I thought this is Im Siwan’s residence.” I said. I rechecked the address written on the paper Siwan gave to me once. The address was exactly the same.
“Ohh, wait here okay.” That man gives a bright yet annoying smile and then he disappeared inside. Not long after that, Siwan came out. And he’s very surprised to find me in front of his door.
“Heechullie, what are you doing here?” He asked.
“Hyung,” I took a deep breath and told him. “I ran away from home.”
“YOU WHAT?” He shrieked. “Heechul-ah, I thought you’ve promised me you won’t run away from home again.”
“I know, I’m sorry but I have too.” I bit my lower lips. “Dad forbids me to enroll in Seoul university. He wanted me to stay in Jeju.”
Siwan glanced at the man who opened the door before. “Kwanghee-ya, do you mind to help me bring his bag inside?”
“No problem darling.” Kwanghee pinched Siwan’s cheek and grabbed my bag.
Darling?
What did it mean?
“Heechullie, let’s go inside first. I need to hear the complete story from you.” Siwan patted my head and took me inside.
“Hyung, who is he?” I asked him. I could not lie to myself, I was slightly jealous to him.
“He is my…” Siwan paused for a moment. “…friend.”
“He lives here?”
“No, he’s just staying overnight.” Siwan gave a signal to that Kwanghee guy. “I need to talk to him privately.”
“Okay, I’ll stay in our room. I won’t disturb you and…” Kwanghee glared at me. “…whoever this boy is.”
“He’s my cousin, Heechul. You should be polite to him, Kwanghee-ya!” Siwan protested. “So, tell me Heechullie, what happened to you.”
Then I told him the whole story. I told him about my father, my mom, and my intention to stay here.
Siwan sighed. “I’ll let you stay here, but you have to call your father first. Tell him you’re with me.”
“But…”
“No ‘but’, Heechul. I don’t want something’s bad happen to you or your father.” Siwan insisted. “Let’s call your dad, shall we?”
I’ve never been able to refuse his order up until this day. Even the ridiculous one, I would have done whatever he said to me if I could. His words are mightier that my dad’s. That’s how much I love him.
Siwan called my father, he explained my condition right now and promised to keep me study hard so I could be accepted in Seoul university enrollment test. My dad had no choice but to agree with him. See how mighty he is?
“Your dad agreed to let you stay here,” Siwan said after he ended the phone call. “But you have to come back home after you finished your test.”
“I’ve promised that to my mom before.”
“Good. Now here, you can use this room.” Siwan brought me upstairs. “I’m sorry it’s kinda messy here. But you can use it as long as you want.”
I nodded my head. “Thank you.”
“Have some rest, I’ll prepare breakfast for you.” Siwan smiled and went downstairs.
I didn’t believe that Kwanghee guy was only a friend for him. I could see it in their eyes, they’re lovers. I could feel my chest burned in jealousy. Why Siwan never told him about Kwanghee? Why suddenly there’s a gap between us?
I sneaked downstairs, I needed to make sure of things.
My heart told me not to, because it might hurt myself. But my brain told me to make sure of it.
I was right, they’re lovers. I saw them kissing in the kitchen while making some breakfast. Siwan leaned his head on Kwanghee’s shoulder. They didn’t know I peeked at them though.
My chest hurt; suddenly I felt that staying in his place maybe wasn’t the right choice to choose. His father was right, Seould didn’t fit him. He felt so stupid right now, staring at the kissing couple with empty stared.
I sneaked back to my room, pretend I saw nothing just now. I grabbed my phone and called Dongjun.
“He has a boyfriend now. Siwan never told me about it before.” I murmured.
“I was going to tell you about it, but you turned off your phone. I texted you before, checked your inbox.”
I checked my inbox and read Dongjun’s message. Sent right after I texted him about my depart to Seoul.
Hyung, are you serious? You’re going to Siwan’s place?
Please think about it twice, he already has a boyfriend. And so far that I know, he often stayed overnight in Siwan’s place. You wouldn’t want to hurt yourself aren’t you?
My tears dripped one by one; I sobbed on the phone. “Dongjun-ah, what should I do? I feel like a fool now, doing all those things because of him.”
“Hyung, that’s okay. You’ve came to Seoul anyway. You just need to find another aim to achieve. Your life can’t always revolve around him, you have to find something that you really want.”
I stared at the room’s ceiling. Dongjun was right. He’s always right.
“I think I will still take the university enrollment test.” I said. “And I will find a part-time job, I don’t want to be a burden for him.”
“Good. All the best for you, hyung.” Dongjun encouraged me. “Oh yeah, Heechulie hyung,”
“Yes?”
“Love doesn’t always to own.” He said. “You could still love him, don’t kill your feeling because of this.”
“Dongjun-ah, thank you.” I sobbed again. “I’m glad I have you to support me.”
***I told Siwan I’m going to find a part-time job to fulfill my need. I also studied everyday to prepare for the test. He supported my decision and willing to spare some of his time to help me study. Kwanghee too, he tried to help me and I knew he tried to be closer to me. But I would just give him a cold look and ignored him. I knew he’s Siwan’s boyfriend, but I still couldn’t approve him. How can be a perfect person like my hyung has an ugly and noisy man as his boyfriend?
The part that made me dislike him so much was the fact that he could make Siwan happy. I knew Siwan was happy to have him. I kinda wished he would hurt Siwan, and then I could take him from his side. Egoist.
***
Time passed by, I did my test already. And yes, I got into Music Faculty. I told my mom about it, and told her I’ll go back to Jeju. I’d apologize to her and dad. But before I went back, something happened. Siwan’s parents came to Seoul without being expected. They argued with Siwan, because apparently Siwan told them he had a boyfriend. Siwan’s parents were kinda conservative. They didn’t approve boy x boy relationship. They had a great fight, they told him to break up with Kwanghee or else, Siwan won’t be their child anymore.
That’s ridiculous.
Siwan cried all night because of this, he never looked this sad. Kwanghee tried to comfort him, he said they’ll find a way to assure his parents. And me? I could only stare at them from distance.
I could only support him from distance all the time. I felt so weak, but I knew he hated to look weak in front of me. So I tried to make him smile and pretend that I wouldn’t notice his swollen eyes.
===
One year, two year, three years has passed. His parents still wouldn’t approve his relationship with Kwanghee. But one night, he came home happily. He looked so bright and he skipped around the living room. That’s something Siwan wouldn’t do before. He told me that Kwanghee proposed him. They’re going to marry after they graduated. Which was only 2 months away. He hugged me and told all his feelings about it. I congratulated him, my heart falling into pieces. But I wished him happiness.
He deserved it.
Three months later, they held their wedding. Siwan’s parents were not coming, but my parents did. Kwanghee’s parents came too. A few close friends, including Dongjun, came to support them.
He never looked so happy like today. It hurts my heart so much but I also relieved to see him smiling like that. He looked so handsome in that tuxedo.
“Heechullie,” he turned his head and smiled when he saw me coming. “I’m glad you come.”
“Congratulation, here’s a flower for your wedding.” I forced a smile and gave him a bouquet of daisies.
“Thank you…” He took the bouquet and put it inside a vase. “I’m glad I have you beside me.”
“Hyung…” I bit my lower lips. This is my decision; I need to confess to him before he’s married. “I love you.”
“I love you since we’re still kids, and this feeling keeps growing until now.” I said. “I’m not trying to ruin your wedding; I just need to tell you about this.”
Siwan caressed my hair gently and hugged me out of sudden. “I knew it Heechul, I’ve always known it. Thank you very much for your love.”
“If you knew it already then why didn’t you ever tell me before?” I gnashed my teeth, my eyes began to teary. “Siwan hyung, you’re paboya…”
“Mianhae Heechullie,” Siwan patted my back. “But hyung always showered you with his love, wasn’t I?”
“Yeah, you always do.” I chuckled and wiped my tears. “I hope you’ll live happily with Kwanghee hyung.”
“Sure, I will. Thank you.” Siwan nodded and smiled. “And Heechullie, our house is always open for you. You can always stay with us.”
“Sure do.” I cracked a smile. “Hyung, can I still love you? As a brother of course.”
“Of course. Our brotherly love won’t be eased by this.” Siwan said.
Im Siwan, my first love, my cousin, my best friend, he’s everything to me. That day, I’ll let him got taken by someone else. It is because his happiness will always be my happiness.
“Hey hero, done with your mission?” Dongjun greeted me right after I went out from Siwan’s room. “Don’t worry hyung, you’ll find your true love someday.” He gave me a glass of juice and grinned. “Party till dawn, only the two of us?”
“You brats,” I whacked his head and laughed. “Let’s have our party after this wedding. Only the two of us.”
Dongjun was right, there will be the right time when I’ll find my true lover and start my own story. The times will come when I don’t have to ask “could I love you” to that person and instead, I’d get loved back without any reason.
I believed that time will come, sooner or later. I only need to wait until destiny let me meet that right person.
Will love come to me once again?
-end-
Author: ichijo_rui
Pairing: Heewan, SiKwang
Rating: G
Genre: AU, drama, slice of life
Summary: Heechul is a shy boy, he didn't know what he wanted in life other than Siwan. But of course, he couldn't always rely on Siwan.
A/N: This is Heechul's story where he first know Siwan. A prequel of my series "Could I Love You". I might make another side stories of the other point of view, so you'll understand every single reason of their acts in the series. ^__^ And yes, I'm working on chapter 5. =)
Sometimes I hate to be the oldest son in this family. Because it means you have to be the role model for your siblings and you always have to think about your siblings’ importance before yours. Not that I hate them-I do love my little brothers, really-but sometimes it’s kinda lonely too. We have quite large difference in age, and my mom always cared more about my brothers. My father? Haha. Don’t ask, he just need to know that his son is doing well in school. He wouldn’t care about the rest.
I don’t really get along with the boys around my house. I’m a shy boy, I don’t talk a lot unless they’re asking me. Sometimes I want to join them, but just to say “Hey, can I play with you” needs an extra effort. My body can’t move, my tongue goes numb and no matter how hard I try to start a conversation there’s no voice come out. My mouth opens but I can only show them my robot figures without saying anything. The boys will stare at me from head to toe and laugh at me. One by one, they leave me alone. That’s sad, I really hate that condition.
That’s why I rarely play with my neighbor; I’d rather play inside my house. Yes, I was an introvert kid. I rarely talk with others, and sometimes when someone greeted me I would just nod my head and left. Or maybe the worst, I’d tell them to go away.
Sad, really. But I just don’t know what to do. Everything feels so awkward.
***
I still remember the first time I meet him. It was summer holiday and I was in my 5th year of elementary school. Mom says he’s my cousin from Busan-he’s my mother’s sister’s son. He’s here, in Jeju, because his parents were going overseas.
“Heechulie, this is your hyung. His name is Siwan, you have to get along well with him okay?” Mom said, introducing him. I was watching ‘Power Ranger’ that day, but he quickly took over my attention.
“Hi Heechul, I’m Siwan.” He smiled warmly and greeted me.
“H-hi.” I greeted him back.
“He’s a shy boy, Siwannie. You should ask him to play outside this summer.” Mom said to Siwan. “He spent too much time in front of TV.”
“What should I do, umma is busy with them.” I sneered and pointed at my dongsaengs who was playing with their lego.
“Aigo Heechullie, you’re 10 years old already. You can play by yourself.” Mom nagged. “Or maybe you should accompany your brothers to play.”
“I did,” I argued. “But you got angry with me.”
“You asked them to draw at my wall!!” Mom pinched my cheek. “Of course I’m angry my dear.”
Siwan laughed at us. “Don’t worry Imo, I’ll be here during my summer holiday. We’ll be friends in no time.”
“Good.” Mom sighed in relief. “Heechullie, help your hyung to bring his bag to your room. He’s going to sleep with you.”
“Ne, arasseo!” I walked closer and brought one of his bag. “Hyung, this way.” I showed him the way.
To be honest, I’ve never been that enthusiastic with a person before.
“Hyung, how old are you?” I asked him, we were sorting his luggage together in my room.
“Me? I’m 12 years old.”
“So you’re at your 1st year of junior high school already?”
“Not yet, but I will start my first year of junior high school really soon. I will enroll at the most favorite school in Busan.” He grinned. “I can’t wait.”
“Cool! Hey, what is that?” I pointed at a black case he brought. It looks like a…
“Violin.” He answered. “This is my precious thing.”
“You can play violin?” I asked curiously.
“Yeah, want to try?” He offered.
I shook my head. “I can’t play music. I’m afraid I’ll break it. Umma will be angry.”
“Want me to teach you? You should try playing music, it’s fun.” Siwan smiled.
I nodded weakly. “…but I don’t think I can. I can do nothing special.”
“What are you talking about? Of course you can. You can do everything, as long as you are willing to study.” Siwan ensured me.
===
That was our first conversation. And I always keep it on my mind until this day, “you can do anything, as long as you are willing to study.”
He was the first person that I can be opened up to. I could tell everything to him, and he would pay an extra attention to me. He’s the first person that able to break my introvert side. Even mom said I’ve became a brighter kid since he came. Every day we would ride bicycle along the road and he greeted everyone we met there. Either it’s old or young, he greeted them all with smile.
“Aigo, isn’t this our Heechul?” A middle-age woman from our neighborhood said. We greeted her when we met her on our way. “How are you?”
“Annyeonghaseyo halmeoni.” I bowed and greeted her. “I’m fine. Thank you for your concern.”
“Wow, I’ve never known you’re this polite.” She praised. Siwan taught me to be polite. He said he’s always been taught to be polite by his mom so it’s a habit for him.
“Thank you.” I smiled. I rarely get praised by my neighbors, that because I rarely spent my time outside.
“By the way, who are you, boy? I’ve never seen you before.” The halmeoni asked Siwan.
“Ah, bangapseupnida. My name is Im Siwan. I am Heechul’s cousin.” Siwan bowed and introduced himself. The halmeoni really impressed by Siwan’s politeness, she talked with him for about 15minutes before finally she had to go.
“I bet you never talk to her before, huh?” Siwan chuckled, he paddled the bicycle.
I nodded my head and laughed. “Hyung, you know me really well. I can’t believe you’ve only known me for 2 weeks only.”
“There’s nothing that Im Siwan doesn’t know.” He laughed. We were going to visit the flower field that the kids been talking about. It’s 1km from my house, not really far. He promised to perform a song with his violin.
“We’re here.” He stopped the bicycle and gasped at the beauty of the flower all over the field. “It’s very beautiful.”
I jumped off the bicycle and handed him the violin. “Yeah, it really is.”
Siwan took his violin and smiled. “What should I play to you?”
“Anything hyung,” I said.
Siwan walked through the flowers; he stood amidst them and yelled. “Heechullie, you have to listen to me really well okay!”
Then he began to fiddle his violin’s string. Melodies heaved sonorously; it’s quite a surprise for a kid like him to produce such a voice like that. Then he began to sing, I didn’t know what song he played that time. I’ve only known that it thrilled my heart so much that my tears fell without I even realized.
He’s even more beautiful than the flower among him.
“How’s my performance?” Siwan asked after he finished perform three songs for me. “Am I good enough to be violist?”
I couldn’t say anything; I could only stare at him and smiled.
Siwan laughed and walked approaching me. “Why are you crying, my dongsaeng?”
“It’s too beautiful…” I wiped my tears. “You’re so great hyung!”
“Thank you.” Siwan smiled and lied on his body next to me. “Whoa, I’m so tired.”
“I’ll ride the bicycle,” I said. “You can sit on the back.”
“Heechullie,” Siwan called.
“Yeah?”
“I’m going home tomorrow.” He said, suddenly his face turned gloomy. “Sorry I Haven’t told you before.”
“…why?”
“Holiday will end soon, and my tutor class starts on Monday.” He explained. “I’m worry, I’m afraid I won’t get into the favorite jr. high school that I want.”
“Don’t worry hyung, you’ll be able to pass it.” I encouraged him. Thanks to him, during the past 2 weeks I became more mature. “Hwaiting.”
Siwan smiled in relief. “Thank you, Heechulie.”
“Hyung, you will be back next holiday, right?”
“Sure.” He nodded. “Promise. And you can call me anytime.”
We made a pinky finger promise that day. 10 years old, I experienced my first love with my own cousin.
***
Time sure goes by without I realize. I’m still the same introvert boy, but I don’t spend all of my time in front of TV. I asked my mom to let me learn trumpet. I greeted my neighbors like Siwan taught me before. I studied hard every day, so I can go to the same school as him. I learned to open myself to my friends-because Siwan told me to. He still come back though, we’d go spend our time together outside when he visited me.
When I was 13 years old, dad let me visit Siwan’s house in Busan. His house was really nice, but his parents were busy. They rarely at home, so usually there were only Siwan, his nuna and a servant. And I’ve never know before, his parents want him to be an engineer or something. He has to study really hard to meet his parents’ expectation. I was so angry that time; I want to protest his parents and asked them to let Siwan do whatever he wants. But he smiled gently and patted my head. He said he didn’t mind to grant his parents’ wish, although he likes fashion more than math. He said someday he’ll open his own store and still working at engineering.
I admire him, really. He’s smart, and he knew how to combine his ambition and his parents wish. He’s a perfect son. He’s like my role model; whatever I choose in my life was basically because of him.
Anyway, I also met Kim Dongjun there. He’s Siwan’s neighbor and he’s fun to play with. The three of us often spent time together every time I came to Busan. Sometimes we played with the other boys too, but mostly we spent it by just the three of us.
From that day, there was no more ‘Lonely Heechul’. We’ve develop a strong bond of friendship until today. And yes, Siwan had no idea about my secret crush to him. Dongjun was the only person who knew about it. I never clearly showed my emotion either. As long as I can be together with him, it’s okay for me. He’s mine, and I’m his.
My teenage days revolved around him and Dongjun. Without I realized, the three of us had grown up already. Siwan entered Engineering Faculty already in Seoul, I was in my last year of high school and Dongjun was in his last year of Jr. High School. We rarely met each other again, but we always kept in touch by phone and internet. Then, life suddenly became too hectic for me. Mom and Dad always asking me to study hard for university enrollment test, and they forbid me to play trumpet again. Dad wanted me to enroll at Jeju’s university or somewhere that wasn’t far from house.
I want to be with Siwan.
I told my dad about it and he clearly disagreed with me. Like please, suddenly he became overprotective and said Seoul wouldn’t fit for me. What did he know about me? He only glanced through my semester report and cared nothing about me. I tried to convince him, I showed my achievement in school but still he wouldn’t approve. That was the first time I got really angry with my father. No matter how hard I tried to convince him, he would say no and told me to stay in Jeju. Finally, after the countless fight with my dad, I decided to run away from my house. Actually that was not my first time doing that thing, I ran away a few times, but always came back after several days missing from home. I knew mom cried a lot because of me, but I just couldn’t stand my dad anymore. My brothers were no help either. Since I’m not really close to them, they wouldn’t hold a brief for me.
That night, before I left the house, I decided to talk with my mom. I talked to her, I want to go to Seoul and live with Siwan there. I said I would study hard and worked to feed myself. My mom cried, she asked if it’s really what I want with worried look in her eyes. I ensured her; I really wanted to continue my study there.
I felt so miserable to make my mom shed tears a lot that night. She hugged me really tight and gave me some money for accommodation.
“Promise umma, you’ll study hard there. Don’t be a burden to Siwan, and either you’ll pass the enrollment test or not, you have to come back here.” Said mom.
“I will.” I hugged my mom tightly and kissed her cheek. “Thank you very much umma. I’m sorry I’ve been such a rebel kid.”
“Take care of yourself, Heechullie.” My mom said. “I support you.”
I left immediately in the next morning, nobody knew about it except my mother. I knew she worried so much, but life under pressure was like a living hell. I can’t stay there.
“Dongjunnie, I ran away from home. This time is for real.” I texted Dongjun before I got on plane. “I’ll go to Seoul. I’ll go to Siwan’s place.”
I imagined how Siwan’s expression would be when he saw me in front of his house. He must be surprised. Just to imagine that made my heart beat faster. I was so nervous, I’ve never been to Seoul before. I don’t know where exactly Siwan’s house is either-only knew his address.
Would he be mad on him? Or would he look happy? Oh gosh, I was so confused that day. When I finally reached his place, I didn’t dare myself to knock on the door. Suddenly I turned back into my 6 years old self-my super introvert self. I thought thousand times before I finally dared to knock once on the door. What if, what if he didn’t want me? What if…?
“Yes? Can I help you?” Somebody opened the door and no, it’s not Siwan.
“I thought this is Im Siwan’s residence.” I said. I rechecked the address written on the paper Siwan gave to me once. The address was exactly the same.
“Ohh, wait here okay.” That man gives a bright yet annoying smile and then he disappeared inside. Not long after that, Siwan came out. And he’s very surprised to find me in front of his door.
“Heechullie, what are you doing here?” He asked.
“Hyung,” I took a deep breath and told him. “I ran away from home.”
“YOU WHAT?” He shrieked. “Heechul-ah, I thought you’ve promised me you won’t run away from home again.”
“I know, I’m sorry but I have too.” I bit my lower lips. “Dad forbids me to enroll in Seoul university. He wanted me to stay in Jeju.”
Siwan glanced at the man who opened the door before. “Kwanghee-ya, do you mind to help me bring his bag inside?”
“No problem darling.” Kwanghee pinched Siwan’s cheek and grabbed my bag.
Darling?
What did it mean?
“Heechullie, let’s go inside first. I need to hear the complete story from you.” Siwan patted my head and took me inside.
“Hyung, who is he?” I asked him. I could not lie to myself, I was slightly jealous to him.
“He is my…” Siwan paused for a moment. “…friend.”
“He lives here?”
“No, he’s just staying overnight.” Siwan gave a signal to that Kwanghee guy. “I need to talk to him privately.”
“Okay, I’ll stay in our room. I won’t disturb you and…” Kwanghee glared at me. “…whoever this boy is.”
“He’s my cousin, Heechul. You should be polite to him, Kwanghee-ya!” Siwan protested. “So, tell me Heechullie, what happened to you.”
Then I told him the whole story. I told him about my father, my mom, and my intention to stay here.
Siwan sighed. “I’ll let you stay here, but you have to call your father first. Tell him you’re with me.”
“But…”
“No ‘but’, Heechul. I don’t want something’s bad happen to you or your father.” Siwan insisted. “Let’s call your dad, shall we?”
I’ve never been able to refuse his order up until this day. Even the ridiculous one, I would have done whatever he said to me if I could. His words are mightier that my dad’s. That’s how much I love him.
Siwan called my father, he explained my condition right now and promised to keep me study hard so I could be accepted in Seoul university enrollment test. My dad had no choice but to agree with him. See how mighty he is?
“Your dad agreed to let you stay here,” Siwan said after he ended the phone call. “But you have to come back home after you finished your test.”
“I’ve promised that to my mom before.”
“Good. Now here, you can use this room.” Siwan brought me upstairs. “I’m sorry it’s kinda messy here. But you can use it as long as you want.”
I nodded my head. “Thank you.”
“Have some rest, I’ll prepare breakfast for you.” Siwan smiled and went downstairs.
I didn’t believe that Kwanghee guy was only a friend for him. I could see it in their eyes, they’re lovers. I could feel my chest burned in jealousy. Why Siwan never told him about Kwanghee? Why suddenly there’s a gap between us?
I sneaked downstairs, I needed to make sure of things.
My heart told me not to, because it might hurt myself. But my brain told me to make sure of it.
I was right, they’re lovers. I saw them kissing in the kitchen while making some breakfast. Siwan leaned his head on Kwanghee’s shoulder. They didn’t know I peeked at them though.
My chest hurt; suddenly I felt that staying in his place maybe wasn’t the right choice to choose. His father was right, Seould didn’t fit him. He felt so stupid right now, staring at the kissing couple with empty stared.
I sneaked back to my room, pretend I saw nothing just now. I grabbed my phone and called Dongjun.
“He has a boyfriend now. Siwan never told me about it before.” I murmured.
“I was going to tell you about it, but you turned off your phone. I texted you before, checked your inbox.”
I checked my inbox and read Dongjun’s message. Sent right after I texted him about my depart to Seoul.
Hyung, are you serious? You’re going to Siwan’s place?
Please think about it twice, he already has a boyfriend. And so far that I know, he often stayed overnight in Siwan’s place. You wouldn’t want to hurt yourself aren’t you?
My tears dripped one by one; I sobbed on the phone. “Dongjun-ah, what should I do? I feel like a fool now, doing all those things because of him.”
“Hyung, that’s okay. You’ve came to Seoul anyway. You just need to find another aim to achieve. Your life can’t always revolve around him, you have to find something that you really want.”
I stared at the room’s ceiling. Dongjun was right. He’s always right.
“I think I will still take the university enrollment test.” I said. “And I will find a part-time job, I don’t want to be a burden for him.”
“Good. All the best for you, hyung.” Dongjun encouraged me. “Oh yeah, Heechulie hyung,”
“Yes?”
“Love doesn’t always to own.” He said. “You could still love him, don’t kill your feeling because of this.”
“Dongjun-ah, thank you.” I sobbed again. “I’m glad I have you to support me.”
***I told Siwan I’m going to find a part-time job to fulfill my need. I also studied everyday to prepare for the test. He supported my decision and willing to spare some of his time to help me study. Kwanghee too, he tried to help me and I knew he tried to be closer to me. But I would just give him a cold look and ignored him. I knew he’s Siwan’s boyfriend, but I still couldn’t approve him. How can be a perfect person like my hyung has an ugly and noisy man as his boyfriend?
The part that made me dislike him so much was the fact that he could make Siwan happy. I knew Siwan was happy to have him. I kinda wished he would hurt Siwan, and then I could take him from his side. Egoist.
***
Time passed by, I did my test already. And yes, I got into Music Faculty. I told my mom about it, and told her I’ll go back to Jeju. I’d apologize to her and dad. But before I went back, something happened. Siwan’s parents came to Seoul without being expected. They argued with Siwan, because apparently Siwan told them he had a boyfriend. Siwan’s parents were kinda conservative. They didn’t approve boy x boy relationship. They had a great fight, they told him to break up with Kwanghee or else, Siwan won’t be their child anymore.
That’s ridiculous.
Siwan cried all night because of this, he never looked this sad. Kwanghee tried to comfort him, he said they’ll find a way to assure his parents. And me? I could only stare at them from distance.
I could only support him from distance all the time. I felt so weak, but I knew he hated to look weak in front of me. So I tried to make him smile and pretend that I wouldn’t notice his swollen eyes.
===
One year, two year, three years has passed. His parents still wouldn’t approve his relationship with Kwanghee. But one night, he came home happily. He looked so bright and he skipped around the living room. That’s something Siwan wouldn’t do before. He told me that Kwanghee proposed him. They’re going to marry after they graduated. Which was only 2 months away. He hugged me and told all his feelings about it. I congratulated him, my heart falling into pieces. But I wished him happiness.
He deserved it.
Three months later, they held their wedding. Siwan’s parents were not coming, but my parents did. Kwanghee’s parents came too. A few close friends, including Dongjun, came to support them.
He never looked so happy like today. It hurts my heart so much but I also relieved to see him smiling like that. He looked so handsome in that tuxedo.
“Heechullie,” he turned his head and smiled when he saw me coming. “I’m glad you come.”
“Congratulation, here’s a flower for your wedding.” I forced a smile and gave him a bouquet of daisies.
“Thank you…” He took the bouquet and put it inside a vase. “I’m glad I have you beside me.”
“Hyung…” I bit my lower lips. This is my decision; I need to confess to him before he’s married. “I love you.”
“I love you since we’re still kids, and this feeling keeps growing until now.” I said. “I’m not trying to ruin your wedding; I just need to tell you about this.”
Siwan caressed my hair gently and hugged me out of sudden. “I knew it Heechul, I’ve always known it. Thank you very much for your love.”
“If you knew it already then why didn’t you ever tell me before?” I gnashed my teeth, my eyes began to teary. “Siwan hyung, you’re paboya…”
“Mianhae Heechullie,” Siwan patted my back. “But hyung always showered you with his love, wasn’t I?”
“Yeah, you always do.” I chuckled and wiped my tears. “I hope you’ll live happily with Kwanghee hyung.”
“Sure, I will. Thank you.” Siwan nodded and smiled. “And Heechullie, our house is always open for you. You can always stay with us.”
“Sure do.” I cracked a smile. “Hyung, can I still love you? As a brother of course.”
“Of course. Our brotherly love won’t be eased by this.” Siwan said.
Im Siwan, my first love, my cousin, my best friend, he’s everything to me. That day, I’ll let him got taken by someone else. It is because his happiness will always be my happiness.
“Hey hero, done with your mission?” Dongjun greeted me right after I went out from Siwan’s room. “Don’t worry hyung, you’ll find your true love someday.” He gave me a glass of juice and grinned. “Party till dawn, only the two of us?”
“You brats,” I whacked his head and laughed. “Let’s have our party after this wedding. Only the two of us.”
Dongjun was right, there will be the right time when I’ll find my true lover and start my own story. The times will come when I don’t have to ask “could I love you” to that person and instead, I’d get loved back without any reason.
I believed that time will come, sooner or later. I only need to wait until destiny let me meet that right person.
Will love come to me once again?
-end-