perfectly
I definately just kicked Lindsay out of my house. It's 1:30 AM. It's been a good life.
I think I really really fucked up my stomach, for 8 days all I had was granola coffee and hard alcohol, I ate pretty good this week I mean I went out to dinner tonight and have been eating breads because I feel like they'll help more than anything else will and tonight was the first night I drank alcohol since last sunday. kacee told me I needed to take a break so I'm glad I listened to her it did me some good, I don't wanna die. it still sucks though it hurts like a bitch at random intervals during the day and I keep coughing up junk fjaklfjl. I decided, that if I start physical therapy right now, I'll probably be able to run decently on my ankle by the time basketball starts. So if that happens, I'm definately playing this year. I mean I was thinking about it and I know I want to I just wasn't sure if I would make it, but I realized the only two centers I think we have would be me and amanda hunte. Which is good for me. I really miss playing. I do. I miss being on a team and I miss the whole essence of playing and winning and scoring and fucking dominating girls on the court. I miss waking up feeling like shit because you worked your ass off and not because you're hungover. I just miss it. and I know I love it and I'm glad I took a year off so that I could figure that out. I miss 8th grade and going to football games with stace kace and shay and waking up early the next morning, having hot chocolate, and shooting around in my driveway for hours with those girls. I love those girls. I love being back with everyone, some people just make you feel like everything's gonna be all right and that's what everyone is doing for me right now. lindsay and me tried on 10 million dresses at the mall today it was so much fun then we stole sean for a wawa run and went back to his house. I love sean. I really do. he's one of the chillest people I've ever met. if you say something stupid that anyone else would let slide by or just not catch he just smiles at you like he knows you fucked up but he's not going to say anything about it. that's his way of communication. smiling. not even smiling. like the smile that happens right before you're about to laugh or that you get when you're in the middle of talking about something and you think of something really really good to say next, that's all he ever does. I wrote paige the longest note in the world today. I think I figured out that me and paige are really some of the only two people who really just get each other, no matter what. like I don't have to explain things to her. she knows how it can be okay that I blew her off for a year and knows what does and doesn't need to be said. I've been realizing first hand lately just how much I took advantage of a lot of people, how much I didn't appreciate a lot of things. I could sit here and list all the little things and big things I love about a lot of people that I never would have noticed before. I love people you can just look at and smile because you love everything about them and just knowing that they're around and that they're in your life makes everything okay. I was really pissed off the past couple days but me and lindsay talked about everything in the world tonight and I feel okay again. I mean I'm buzzed too but that's not the majority of it. my mom retired today. like it was her last day ever working there. she got home around 1230. her office wanted to throw her a lunch party but she said she would get too upset, so they had a wake for their company and all dressed in black which is a really funny idea, but at the end of the day they surprised her and silly stringed her and covered her office in glitter, I'm really really glad I was going to be so mad if they didn't do anything for her. I know she doesn't want to work anymore and she's happy with her decision but it's going to take a couple weeks for her to realize that and now she's just really bummed out. I mean she worked SO much and so hard especially to get where she was, which is amazing in itself, but because she did work so much so the people she worked with she saw five days a week for so many years and now she won't anymore out of nowhere. it's like graduating high school but everyone else got held back for another year. I don't know what to do though I mean I want to get her balloons or something because I'm really really happy for her and just want her to know everything's going to be okay and that I'm looking forward to her being around. I kept telling everyone that she was retiring because I was waiting for it to sink in and I think right now it just did. it's a big deal. like a really big deal. I never really appreciated how much she accomplished at her work or what it meant for her it's just been the place she went off to every day the place that took her away for weeks at a time to singapore and california and road shows but jesus christ. I would be crying too. tomorrow is my cousin's sixteenth birthday. I'm probably a really big asshole in my family. I mean I don't mean to be I'm just really intimidating. my mom always tells me how my little sister has really really really big self-confidence issues because of me and I don't understand how I cause them, she's the biggest bitch in the world the majority of the time to me and I try so hard to tolerate it but like she's just plain rude so obviously sometimes I slip up but I never say anything that could really hurt her even though I easily could. but even stupid little things I say like the occasional "are you fucking retarded" hit her really hard even though she's a million times worse than I am but I just don't care what she says to me and she cares a lot about what I say. it's not fair at all for me to get blamed I don't DO anything I'm actually nice the fact that she's shy and the fact that she hasn't found her self-confidence isn't my fault. the fact that I am overly self-confident and the fact that I love every thing in and about my life I don't understand why that prevents her from doing the same thing. I mean I understand it I just think it's really dumb. like it must really suck to be my sister. I'm not gonna lie. and it must suck even worse to be my cousin. I'm not even nice to my cousins. like I'm not mean but they try to initiate conversation with me and I just won't have it, like I don't do it on purpose it just renders instantly as people who don't matter so whatever they say doesn't really count, but all of that process happens subconciously. I am being nicer like in general I'm trying not to be such an asshole so that doesn't really happen anymore but my one cousin george is just really annoying and my cousin kristin the one who's sixteenth birthday is tomorrow she's just like stupid in the things she does and the way she acts. I don't think she can help it because it's where she doesn't know any better than to classify green day and sum 41 as punk rock because she's never heard real punk rock before, so I guess I can't really blame her for that. she's just weird though, I mean her her brother and my sister are all really weird. I think my brother is now but he's still in elementary school, I think he's one of those kids that's going to be cool when he gets older. well if he stops thinking my dad will save the world then he might be. I won't even talk about my dad. that's too fucking much. but my cousin like I'm so much cooler than she is. I'm not saying that in a cocky way or trying to insult her or anything it's just like a fact you know, like she looks at me and wants to be me and have what I have. I'm skinner than my entire family and prettier than most of them and cooler than all of them. I think mostly everyone in my family just thinks I'm a stuck up asshole but I'm not. I mean I am but not in a bad way it's not like I really think I'm better than everyone else. Cooler and better aren't even close to the same thing. I think I'm really happy and that intimidates a lot of people especially my sister and my cousin because I really don't think that they're happy with their lives. And that really sucks. Like it really really does. I don't feel bad for them I just feel bad that they haven't been able to help themselves be happy yet for long periods of time. My cousin went on a date tonight so I'm really hoping that boosts her self confidence and makes her happier, self confidence is basically the key to everything. Like honestly that's all it is. You've just got to be happy with who you are and be who you want to be no matter what the hell it is. I hope everyone has that at least one time in their life. It's really nice.
It's the secrets beneath the leaves
I keep with me
I'm falling up and down
And I'll never write the letter
I wish you could read the words
perfectly.
I think I really really fucked up my stomach, for 8 days all I had was granola coffee and hard alcohol, I ate pretty good this week I mean I went out to dinner tonight and have been eating breads because I feel like they'll help more than anything else will and tonight was the first night I drank alcohol since last sunday. kacee told me I needed to take a break so I'm glad I listened to her it did me some good, I don't wanna die. it still sucks though it hurts like a bitch at random intervals during the day and I keep coughing up junk fjaklfjl. I decided, that if I start physical therapy right now, I'll probably be able to run decently on my ankle by the time basketball starts. So if that happens, I'm definately playing this year. I mean I was thinking about it and I know I want to I just wasn't sure if I would make it, but I realized the only two centers I think we have would be me and amanda hunte. Which is good for me. I really miss playing. I do. I miss being on a team and I miss the whole essence of playing and winning and scoring and fucking dominating girls on the court. I miss waking up feeling like shit because you worked your ass off and not because you're hungover. I just miss it. and I know I love it and I'm glad I took a year off so that I could figure that out. I miss 8th grade and going to football games with stace kace and shay and waking up early the next morning, having hot chocolate, and shooting around in my driveway for hours with those girls. I love those girls. I love being back with everyone, some people just make you feel like everything's gonna be all right and that's what everyone is doing for me right now. lindsay and me tried on 10 million dresses at the mall today it was so much fun then we stole sean for a wawa run and went back to his house. I love sean. I really do. he's one of the chillest people I've ever met. if you say something stupid that anyone else would let slide by or just not catch he just smiles at you like he knows you fucked up but he's not going to say anything about it. that's his way of communication. smiling. not even smiling. like the smile that happens right before you're about to laugh or that you get when you're in the middle of talking about something and you think of something really really good to say next, that's all he ever does. I wrote paige the longest note in the world today. I think I figured out that me and paige are really some of the only two people who really just get each other, no matter what. like I don't have to explain things to her. she knows how it can be okay that I blew her off for a year and knows what does and doesn't need to be said. I've been realizing first hand lately just how much I took advantage of a lot of people, how much I didn't appreciate a lot of things. I could sit here and list all the little things and big things I love about a lot of people that I never would have noticed before. I love people you can just look at and smile because you love everything about them and just knowing that they're around and that they're in your life makes everything okay. I was really pissed off the past couple days but me and lindsay talked about everything in the world tonight and I feel okay again. I mean I'm buzzed too but that's not the majority of it. my mom retired today. like it was her last day ever working there. she got home around 1230. her office wanted to throw her a lunch party but she said she would get too upset, so they had a wake for their company and all dressed in black which is a really funny idea, but at the end of the day they surprised her and silly stringed her and covered her office in glitter, I'm really really glad I was going to be so mad if they didn't do anything for her. I know she doesn't want to work anymore and she's happy with her decision but it's going to take a couple weeks for her to realize that and now she's just really bummed out. I mean she worked SO much and so hard especially to get where she was, which is amazing in itself, but because she did work so much so the people she worked with she saw five days a week for so many years and now she won't anymore out of nowhere. it's like graduating high school but everyone else got held back for another year. I don't know what to do though I mean I want to get her balloons or something because I'm really really happy for her and just want her to know everything's going to be okay and that I'm looking forward to her being around. I kept telling everyone that she was retiring because I was waiting for it to sink in and I think right now it just did. it's a big deal. like a really big deal. I never really appreciated how much she accomplished at her work or what it meant for her it's just been the place she went off to every day the place that took her away for weeks at a time to singapore and california and road shows but jesus christ. I would be crying too. tomorrow is my cousin's sixteenth birthday. I'm probably a really big asshole in my family. I mean I don't mean to be I'm just really intimidating. my mom always tells me how my little sister has really really really big self-confidence issues because of me and I don't understand how I cause them, she's the biggest bitch in the world the majority of the time to me and I try so hard to tolerate it but like she's just plain rude so obviously sometimes I slip up but I never say anything that could really hurt her even though I easily could. but even stupid little things I say like the occasional "are you fucking retarded" hit her really hard even though she's a million times worse than I am but I just don't care what she says to me and she cares a lot about what I say. it's not fair at all for me to get blamed I don't DO anything I'm actually nice the fact that she's shy and the fact that she hasn't found her self-confidence isn't my fault. the fact that I am overly self-confident and the fact that I love every thing in and about my life I don't understand why that prevents her from doing the same thing. I mean I understand it I just think it's really dumb. like it must really suck to be my sister. I'm not gonna lie. and it must suck even worse to be my cousin. I'm not even nice to my cousins. like I'm not mean but they try to initiate conversation with me and I just won't have it, like I don't do it on purpose it just renders instantly as people who don't matter so whatever they say doesn't really count, but all of that process happens subconciously. I am being nicer like in general I'm trying not to be such an asshole so that doesn't really happen anymore but my one cousin george is just really annoying and my cousin kristin the one who's sixteenth birthday is tomorrow she's just like stupid in the things she does and the way she acts. I don't think she can help it because it's where she doesn't know any better than to classify green day and sum 41 as punk rock because she's never heard real punk rock before, so I guess I can't really blame her for that. she's just weird though, I mean her her brother and my sister are all really weird. I think my brother is now but he's still in elementary school, I think he's one of those kids that's going to be cool when he gets older. well if he stops thinking my dad will save the world then he might be. I won't even talk about my dad. that's too fucking much. but my cousin like I'm so much cooler than she is. I'm not saying that in a cocky way or trying to insult her or anything it's just like a fact you know, like she looks at me and wants to be me and have what I have. I'm skinner than my entire family and prettier than most of them and cooler than all of them. I think mostly everyone in my family just thinks I'm a stuck up asshole but I'm not. I mean I am but not in a bad way it's not like I really think I'm better than everyone else. Cooler and better aren't even close to the same thing. I think I'm really happy and that intimidates a lot of people especially my sister and my cousin because I really don't think that they're happy with their lives. And that really sucks. Like it really really does. I don't feel bad for them I just feel bad that they haven't been able to help themselves be happy yet for long periods of time. My cousin went on a date tonight so I'm really hoping that boosts her self confidence and makes her happier, self confidence is basically the key to everything. Like honestly that's all it is. You've just got to be happy with who you are and be who you want to be no matter what the hell it is. I hope everyone has that at least one time in their life. It's really nice.
It's the secrets beneath the leaves
I keep with me
I'm falling up and down
And I'll never write the letter
I wish you could read the words
perfectly.