khr prompt #1; turn back the clock

[ideal_fairytale]

Title: turn back the clock
Rating: T
Word Count: 2404
Character(s): Tsuna
Pairing(s): TsunaXKyoko
Warnings: It seems I can't write angst to save my life.
Summary: It's an entirely different story when going backwards.

Comments

[100paperfans]

So, you got a jest of how I was feeling about this in msn. This is like a rollercoaster ride of emotion, to be honest. And I liked it a lot. I think I'll put this in memories to ride again someday, yes.

Character Interpretation - 10~ Throughout all the scenes, I kept thinking 'aww, that's our Tsuna', even in the end when I wanted to cry the most ;_;
Grammar/Spelling - 8. A few mistakes here and there, but nothing to distract from the impact of the story itself.
Story Flow - 18, nice flow, not choppy and nicely done considering the countdown to the end timeline you used. All the scenes stood out and showed the setting and the time well enough, too. My favorite scene is Tsuna walking to meet his end with Gokudera's Chopin playing in his mind. Dramatic and IC and nice use of memory.
Prompt Usage - 15. I think it was an interesting way to work with the prompt and I like the backwards to the end concept.
Originality - 13. Some of scenes, like the bullying and Kyoko, didn't seem as original as the rest, but I liked them all the same. It

[ideal_fairytale]

Thank you for the compliments and critique! Your memories? I am honoured! :D Do you know when we were on msn and I was having a mild freak out about what to do? I actually got the "time going backwards" idea from the stopwatch function on my phone when I was scrolling through it and saw it. I really wanted to use a piano reference :) so I thought it was the perfect time when Tsuna was about to die. I will try to think of more original scenes. This is random but I have this weird idea that I think would be a nice original idea. The problem is that I don't think it will match with any future prompts. Hmm... I may just use the idea to write my very own oneshot when I get inspired more.

[100paperfans]

Hehe, the smallest things can make the greatest story sometimes.

But no stressing on the originality because almost everything is cliche in some way these days, haha. I think for the Kyoko one I just meant her personality didn't get through to me and I didn't see any depth (which is hard to do, anyway, since Amano hardly gives the girls screentime for character development). I really liked the part with Tsuna pressing his hand against the glass, though. It was sad, and yet bittersweet in a way.

Ohoh, what's that idea you have? I'm curious now~!

[ideal_fairytale]

I would go and change Kyoko if I could now. T___T Maybe after the contest, I may think of it. I agree with you that almost everything could be taken as a cliche. I like cliches though. As long as they're well-written, it's all good.

It's top secret! More on the humourous side is all I'm telling you. I would tell you one word but I want you to be surprised just in case I do get around to writing it. ^____^

OKAY. Done all the replying. NOW I'll take a look at the doc.

[ibuberu]

ahhh html!

Character Interpretation: 8. I loved Tsuna's thoughts in the beginning, and the part where he lies in bed at night and thinks, because that's very much him. The other characters that appear like Gokudera and Yamamoto were also wonderfully portrayed, and I like that you noted how Gokudera matured over the years, enough not to kill Yamamoto haha. The only character I wasn't swept away with was with Kyoko. It's just my own opinion, but I imagine her growing up to be a more sturdy girl in the future, especially because she knows about the mafia. Her crying and not turning to look back at Tsuna one last time really affected me during the reading.

Grammer/Spelling: 7. A few minor slip ups, and odd phrasing like 'the peace has even let him and his two closest friends to come back and visit Namimori' and the tense seems off sometimes. But I totally understand, present tense is both a joy and a bother to write.

Story Flow: 15. I like the countdown that goes backwards, and then jumping back to the present time at the end. But

[ideal_fairytale]

"Where, where?!"

I was looking all over for the HTML on my fic. I checked my e-mails after giving up and then got what you were saying.

Those are the parts and his "baby" memory are the parts I'm most proud of. I'm glad you liked it! I see what you mean with Kyoko... We could get into my views on some characters but I won't go into that...here...

Haha, the grammar... .__. I wanted to do a present tense fic with such an angsty prompt since I really like present tense fics with an angsty theme. Thank you for making me feel better. It was a bit of a bother to write but nonetheless I like the way how the present tense of this fic turned out and I'll keep a better eye on my tenses the next time I do present tense.

I'll do my best to twist the typical things. :)

Thank you for the kind and well thought-out review.

[eclats_de_voix]

Character Interpretation - 10 - fantastic dialogue

Grammar/Spelling - 8 some typos, like missing or extra letters.

Story Flow - 17 - It would have been less awkward, also, if you had incorporated more random allusions like chopin's piano song.

Prompt Usage - 15 - it all fits

Originality - 10 - I love the structure you wrote ths in! a countdown! However, some of the description could have been more vivid and specific. details details! Also, not too many lights were shined that made me see the characters in a completely different light. I feel like you were so concerned with staying in character that your physical descriptions become the most basic khr cliches. I say, trust you dialogue more next time. I liked the description of how tsuna blotted out the wet glass with his hand to cover up Kyoko. Write more like that!

Bonus - 10

Total: 70

[ideal_fairytale]

I'm glad you liked it! As for adding more, I see where you're coming from. I also found it a bit strange how I only had one in the "10" section but nowhere else. I was trying to think of some but none that I came up with ever really fit in with the other "numbers". It was one of the few times I actually used allusions. I may try to use more in future fics. It's neat connecting some stuff from real life into fanfiction stories.

I think I messed up a bit by putting so much details AND dialogue in the fic. Pink, this would have had a lot less dialogue if I hadn't thought of white elephants and you, so thanks a lot for the help. I think I'll go for more a dialogue-oriented fic on the next prompt since my descriptions aren't the most fantastic. I liked that glass part too! I was surprised and impressed with my brain from coming up with that. :)

[signifies]

Character Interpretation - 9. An excellent interpretation of Tsuna.

Grammar/Spelling - 8. A few spelling mistakes here and there, but not enough to completely detach me from the story.

Story Flow - 18. The first line "Do not be afraid" hit me hard like a punch in the gut, and it just kept punching as I read it from top to bottom -- and in a very good way, too! I didn't get confused even though it was supposed to be all backwards -- which is a very hard feat to do for some writers. Magnificent writing.

Prompt Usage - 15. I think you've conveyed it well.

Originality - 12.

Bonus - 10.

[ideal_fairytale]

Thank you for the wonderful review. :) I think I'll seem like a sadist but I'll say it anyway. I'm happy my story punched you so much! Yes, the grammar mistakes... The grammar mistakes. .__.

[lulu_xi]

Character Interpretation: 8.

Grammar/Spelling: 6. Errors and typos throughout.

Story Flow: 11. It was confusing at first. I had to reread to get the jest of this story.

Prompt Usage: 12.

Originality: 10.

Bonus: 10.

Total: 57.

[ideal_fairytale]

Grammar again. .__. Oh, I'm curious to how it disrupted the flow for you and why you didn't get the gist of the story the first time. You don't have to answer but I want to know. :)