Episode IV: PANTS ON FIRE
So, as part of my inspirational/procrastifuckinational geegawgery, I've got the Star Wars films playing in the "background" as I tip tappy through the tulips. And do you know what? I think Obi-Wan Kenobi is a big, big liar.
Maybe someone else has already thought of this (I mean, only about a billion people have watched it over the past 25 years or so) but it's my epiphany right now, so fuck off. The point is this: Obi Wan Kenobi had the means, opportunity, and motive to murder Luke's Uncle Owen & Aunt Beru, as well as the dozens of Jawa droid traders.
Why did Ben do it? Leaving aside idle speculation that he and Luke's mother fooled around a lot before Luke's father came of age and this jealousy boiled in his gut like an angry demon for decades, or perhaps that the truth is no one really knows which Jedi crawled out of that lava pit alive (everyone agrees that Anakin Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi both died that day. The only person claiming that "Ben" is Obi Wan is Ben, meaningful glances aside. Villain twisted by hatred into taking on the name of his enemy? Who knows? The point is that even later, Darth Vader doesn't claim to be Anakin Skywalker, he claims to be Luke's father. Given the many rumours about the Arthurian Love Triangle between Skywalker, Amidala & Kenobi that I've been trying to start, it seems perfectly reasonable to assume it was Obi Wan who has the respirator and powers after that terrible fight. And then he humors the insane Skywalker by calling him Kenobi when they next meet, because you shouldn't provoke the mentally ill.), or any of the other theories I hear about during drunken IM's I receive from xx_dagobahottie_xx, we can see the evidence for a motive right there in the film A New Hope.
Luke's a mama's boy. He claims to want to get out, but he hasn't got the stones. Whines for two days about wanting to join the academy, but when Ben says "Come with me to Alderaan," his immediate response is "I'm not going to Alderaan." Poseur. Again, without considering the rumors that Ben really wants to go to Alderaan because that's where the only woman he ever truly loved was last known to reside, we can see that Ben is not happy with this stick-in-the-mud farm boy's reluctance. For one thing, he needs to hock the kid's speeder. Falcon tickets don't buy themselves! For another, he needs the muscle and/or cannon fodder. Wily Ben knows that it's the Uncle who's putting the fear of flight into the boy. Having him out of the way would certainly grease the path... Kenobi needn't have intended to kill Beru as well, but she probably started mouthing off.
The Jawas were already dead, slain by Kenobi and the C3-PO droid while Skywalker was passed out. Kenobi knew why the droids were there, and he knew he had to cover his tracks. We only have his word that the Bantha tracks were suspicious or the blasts "so precise" to be anything other than Imperials.
There is some question on the timing - but if the events with Vader can be said to be concurrent with the events on Tattooine, then there's the time it took Vader's sar destroyer to get to the Death Star, and the time it took to set up the meeting with Grand Moff Tarkin, so say a day, which could have passed between Luke getting the lightsaber and Luke finding the Jawas. Say he slept over in the cave, who knows? Ben could have easily murdered the relatives then. But if they left right away, then Ben would have had to get to the farm hut before Luke in his speeder.
Which is when he would have sent droids to do it. Armed with thermal detonators plucked from the Jawa's crawler.
* * *
If only I could use my powers for good.
Maybe someone else has already thought of this (I mean, only about a billion people have watched it over the past 25 years or so) but it's my epiphany right now, so fuck off. The point is this: Obi Wan Kenobi had the means, opportunity, and motive to murder Luke's Uncle Owen & Aunt Beru, as well as the dozens of Jawa droid traders.
Why did Ben do it? Leaving aside idle speculation that he and Luke's mother fooled around a lot before Luke's father came of age and this jealousy boiled in his gut like an angry demon for decades, or perhaps that the truth is no one really knows which Jedi crawled out of that lava pit alive (everyone agrees that Anakin Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi both died that day. The only person claiming that "Ben" is Obi Wan is Ben, meaningful glances aside. Villain twisted by hatred into taking on the name of his enemy? Who knows? The point is that even later, Darth Vader doesn't claim to be Anakin Skywalker, he claims to be Luke's father. Given the many rumours about the Arthurian Love Triangle between Skywalker, Amidala & Kenobi that I've been trying to start, it seems perfectly reasonable to assume it was Obi Wan who has the respirator and powers after that terrible fight. And then he humors the insane Skywalker by calling him Kenobi when they next meet, because you shouldn't provoke the mentally ill.), or any of the other theories I hear about during drunken IM's I receive from xx_dagobahottie_xx, we can see the evidence for a motive right there in the film A New Hope.
Luke's a mama's boy. He claims to want to get out, but he hasn't got the stones. Whines for two days about wanting to join the academy, but when Ben says "Come with me to Alderaan," his immediate response is "I'm not going to Alderaan." Poseur. Again, without considering the rumors that Ben really wants to go to Alderaan because that's where the only woman he ever truly loved was last known to reside, we can see that Ben is not happy with this stick-in-the-mud farm boy's reluctance. For one thing, he needs to hock the kid's speeder. Falcon tickets don't buy themselves! For another, he needs the muscle and/or cannon fodder. Wily Ben knows that it's the Uncle who's putting the fear of flight into the boy. Having him out of the way would certainly grease the path... Kenobi needn't have intended to kill Beru as well, but she probably started mouthing off.
The Jawas were already dead, slain by Kenobi and the C3-PO droid while Skywalker was passed out. Kenobi knew why the droids were there, and he knew he had to cover his tracks. We only have his word that the Bantha tracks were suspicious or the blasts "so precise" to be anything other than Imperials.
There is some question on the timing - but if the events with Vader can be said to be concurrent with the events on Tattooine, then there's the time it took Vader's sar destroyer to get to the Death Star, and the time it took to set up the meeting with Grand Moff Tarkin, so say a day, which could have passed between Luke getting the lightsaber and Luke finding the Jawas. Say he slept over in the cave, who knows? Ben could have easily murdered the relatives then. But if they left right away, then Ben would have had to get to the farm hut before Luke in his speeder.
Which is when he would have sent droids to do it. Armed with thermal detonators plucked from the Jawa's crawler.
* * *
If only I could use my powers for good.