(no subject)
I've been seeing a counselor at St. Thomas University for some months now. I used to feel that I had a pretty good handle on myself and what was going on in my head, but when I started counseling, I realized that it was a huge help in organizing all of the chaos that is typically my mind. Typically I am the one who does most of the talking, and talking things through with a professional has helped me to learn a lot about myself.
The hottest topic that I talk about lately is the problems at home. No, I don't mean with Sean. I am talking about the individual who has been living on my loveseat for the last third of the year. (I touched on this issue in a previous entry.) It's truly amazing how much chaos and discord one person's presence can bring about into the lives of others. I've been trying my best to be patient and understanding, and to help this person out in his time of need. Lately, however, it's been getting more and more difficult for me.
Originally, the plan as far as I knew it would be for him to sleep at our place 2-3 times a week. I was fine with that, because that sort of thing would only cause a minimal disruption in my daily life. Somehow it turned into him spending 90% or more of his time in our living room, and his belongings piled up on the floor. This was something I never agreed to, and something I never would have agreed to in the first place. I was displeased, and the more time went by, that displeasure turned into anger. Anger has turned into resentment. It has gotten to the point where I don't even want to look at him, much less have him around me.
I am always willing and happy to help out a friend in need. Anything I can give, I will. The problem is that after giving so much, putting so much at risk, I am getting little to nothing in return. Until his food support ran out, he was occasionally giving us money for food. Now that his food support is gone, he still eats our food and doesn't bother to say a word to anyone when things are running low or when we're out of something. He agreed to give us some of his unemployment money every week to help out with rent and bills. Yet every week there seems to be an excuse as to why he can't give us what he agreed to, and it all boils down to piss poor money management on his part. He went out and got involved with Herbalife, and was so excited about the potential he has to make money with it. Yet he sits on the loveseat all day/night and plays games on the internet. I gave him a lead for a job that guaranteed 20 hours a week with a decent starting pay, and he didn't bother to act on it. "I don't want a regular job. I want to make my living performing," he said to me one day. In spite of my explaining to him the reality of making a living as a performer, he has barely lifted a finger in attempt to get more paying gigs. He said he would help out with the house work, yet he will completely ignore the house work until someone tells him to do something. (Seriously, how the hell do you "space out" on cleaning up cat vomit that is lying on the floor in the most high traffic area of the apartment?) When Sean and I are both working on household chores, he either sits around on his computer, or he stands around and watches us.
We have told him that his constant presence here puts us in danger of trouble with our landlord. We made it clear to him that he needs to find another place to sleep a few times a week. We know that he has other friends and places to spend the night, but he never bothers to even try until we basically force him out by leaving to go somewhere together. The excuses for why he isn't sleeping anywhere else are apparently endless. Sean and I have rarely ever had any time alone since somewhere in October. The only "me" time I get is when I'm in the shower. The time I desperately need for meditation is practically nil because it's difficult for me to get that much needed time alone to recharge and relax.
I have been in his position before. I have been homeless. I have "couch surfed". I have moved in with people that I barely knew. Each and every time, I have bent over backwards to do everything I can to help out the people who were helping me. If I was unemployed, I busted my hump to get out there and find a job, even if it's only part time. I always did my best to make it clear to the people who took me in how much I appreciated them giving me a roof over my head, and to try to make my imposition upon them and their lives as minimal as possible. I can't help but find it infuriating that in spite of all we have done for him, he has been a lazy, irresponsible slob who spends his life living in his own little bubble and can't be bothered to pay attention to how his actions affect those around him. I can't tell if he's that oblivious, or if he just doesn't give a damn.
He is supposed to be moving in with Sean and me and another friend of ours into this new place. We are making it painfully clear to him that if he does not pull his own weight that he will no longer be allowed to live with us, and we will find someone that we can rely on to take his place. I'd would have kicked him to the curb ages ago if we didn't need the money to help pay the rent on our current apartment. We planned our finances out according to what he agreed to contribute, and thanks to his financial irresponsibility we are in danger of not being able to pay rent and bills this month, which also makes it more difficult for us to come up with all the money we need to move into the new place. If we run into that problem, he is out of here by the first of February. For a while I thought that my anger and resentment toward him were irrational and uncalled for, but I've realized that they're justified. I am sick and tired of dealing with it. I can't take the stress any more.