Atelophobia
Originally posted by yoake_no_sora at Atelophobia
Title: Atelophobia
Pairing: Sehun/Lu Han
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU, Angst
Word count: 2850
Summary: Perfection is a hard thing to live up to.
Warning: Mentions of self harm.
Perfection.
Lu Han despised that word.
He abhorred it with his whole being. He despised the way it tumbled so easily out of other people’s lips, coated in nauseating sweetness, and was hurled at him with unforgiving force as smiles that never quite reached dim eyes obstructed his vision. He loathed the way it seemed to paste itself to every definition of his existence: Lu Han and his perfectly handsome looks, Lu Han and perfect manners, Lu Han and his perfect academic excellence, Lu Han and his perfect leadership of the soccer team, Lu Han and his amazing ability to create the most perfect melodies using only the sound of his perfect, perfect voice.
What he hated the most was the fact that perfect was never enough.
Somehow, no matter how many compliments he was given, none actually reached him. Somehow, his parents never actually seemed to look at him and his achievements, never actually seemed to hear the praises that surround him each suffocating second of the day, never actually seemed to realize that all the effort he offered them was tearing him apart with every glance thrown instead to the taller Kris, the smarter Joonmyun, the stronger Tao, the sweeter-sounding Jongdae, the funnier Baekhyun or the kinder Yixing.
At the hub of all this was Oh Sehun.
Nothing could compare to the detestation he had for Sehun, the golden child.
Without so much as a smile and a drawl in a slight lisp, everyone was magnetically pulled to Sehun. He was average in grades, not quite so artistic, certainly not lacking in the looks department and was fair at the few sports he would occasionally play after school, free from extra lessons, organizations and clubs that plagued Lu Han’s life for as long as he could remember, but, one way or another, everybody who encountered him fell to his charms.
Lu Han retracted from every conversation bearing his name because each word constricted his throat painfully. He ran away without hesitation when dark brown hair and sleepy eyes entered his vision because just the sight of him sent prickles of pain to reddened lines concealed on the underside of his watch. He curled into a ball in the darkness of his own room, shackled by messy bed sheets, when his parents’ offhand comments, “why can’t you be more like that Oh Sehun kid?”, dominated his brain and squeezed frustrated tears out of his tired eyes.
But the universe never works the way people want it to.
As if mocking him, in his senior year of high school, the last dreadful year under his overwhelming shadow, Lu Han found himself seated right next to the boy he hated most. Sehun, unaware of the other’s dilemma, was all smiles and excitement. After introducing himself, rather unnecessarily because everyone knew Sehun, he shook Lu Han’s hand eagerly and said, without a drop of shame or mendaciousness in his dulcet voice, “I’m so glad that we’re finally in the same class! I’ve always admired you! I think that you’re-” Lu Han held his breath “-absolutely perfect!”
A practiced smile made its way onto his face as his fingernails dug deep into the flesh of his palm. “Thank you." The words slipped out with hypocritical ease. Under Sehun’s honest gaze, Lu Han felt tainted. Only when Minseok, the vice-captain of the soccer team, pulled him away from the conversation to discuss tryouts for the new season did the pressure in his palms alleviate, leaving red marks that, in his mind, never really went away.
-
Unfortunately Sehun’s zeal to become better acquainted with Lu Han did not diminish in the least in the following days despite Lu Han’s comparatively cold reception to his advances. When not in the company of his friends, Jongin, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol, Sehun often sought Lu Han’s companionship, sticking to him like glue and initiating a largely one-sided dialogue with the other, innocent eyes failing to see the slight strain in his ever-present smile or the fleeting touch of long fingers against the strap of his wristwatch.
For the most part, Lu Han humoured him, his manners as much a curse as a blessing. He allowed the taller boy to follow him from classroom to classroom, to lunch and to the café he frequented with his friends after school, naturally fitting amongst his friends as if he had always been there. He watched Sehun sling an arm around Baekhyun effortlessly and drag Tao along with him as he chatted animatedly with the normally stoic Kris who now ported a small smile of sorts. He watched Jongin, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol eventually join their ranks, replacing his increasingly diminishing voice with their own. He watched as he lost pieces of himself, bit by bit, to Sehun’s smile and laugh and voice while ruby-coloured liquid dripped out of new lines on his forearm.
“Lu Han?”
He snapped his head in the direction of his name, internally wincing because it was that voice again. He shied away from the hand extended toward him and ushered the resulting frown on the other’s face away with a dazzling smile of his own.
“Yes, Sehun?”
“Are you alright? You haven’t said anything for the past few minutes…”
Suddenly every eye was upon him. Lu Han wanted to run away. Instead, he grinned more widely, ignoring the objection of his muscles and the pain in his chest, and scratched the back of his neck in what he hoped looked like meek embarrassment, subtly moving his arm away from Yixing’s questioning touch. “Oh, I was just thinking about the calculus test tomorrow.”
His lies were accepted without question and were laughed off just as easily.
“Please, Lu Han.” Chanyeol said with a chuckle. “We all know you’re going to ace it without even trying and Joonmyun’s going to complain about you getting the same mark as him even if you didn’t study at all.” They all nodded, with a small pout and an indignant “Hey!” from Joonmyun before he rushed away to tend to his responsibilities in the student council, and resumed their previous conversation, not noticing the falter in Lu Han’s smile.
Of course he tried. Of course he studied. But, with everyone pushing their own concerns down his throat, asking him to help them with a chemistry problem or to stay behind to help refine their penalty kicks or to lend a hand in last minute student council work, of course no one would see him plow through textbooks in the dim light of his desk lamp at three in the morning, futilely forcing information into his exhausted brain while willing away tears that threatened to stain his papers or the pain from the darkening bruise on his thigh where he vented his frustration when his father asked about Sehun rather than his day.
Lu Han laughed along with them.
-
When snow graced the city with its presence, Lu Han quietly slipped away from his friends’ loud chaos to sit in the school garden that was now deserted for the warmth of the indoors.
Lu Han wrapped his scarf around his neck until the pressure almost obstructed his breathing; the discomfort was almost reassuring. Warm puffs of breath joined the cool air as he observed the white precipitation falling around him and allowed the numbness of his fingers to overtake his senses. He liked the cold of winter, its icy mercilessness and the layers upon layers of clothing that divided him from its frosty bite and the touch of others. It was the only season that seemed to understand him.
He sat without speaking, without thinking, because words and thoughts only hurt.
The silence was short-lived. From the corner of his eye, he saw Sehun run to where he sat, hurriedly pulling his jacket around him and laughing when he nearly slid on a patch of ice. “There you are! I was wondering where you vanished off to.”
Lu Han feigned a bashful smile and moved to make space for Sehun on the bench, carefully evading the hand seeking his, because Sehun had a natural inclination to cling onto others, by shoving his into his pockets with the excuse of the cold. “I just wanted some fresh air. What are you doing out here?”
Sehun shrugged happily, amusing himself by collecting the white fluff into his hands and pressing it into a round shape. “Jongin was making fun of my marks in physics, even though his aren’t any better, so I left. Besides, it isn’t as fun hanging out with everyone if you aren’t there too.”
Lu Han let out a short chuckle at that. ‘Lies,’ he thought as his laughter died off, dissipating in the frosty air, ‘they don’t need me there because they have you now.’
-
He started to break.
White matter cascaded down from the heavens outside, coating the Earth in white. Lu Han wanted nothing more than to run out and mar the white perfection, defile it with his own hands. He was trapped, however, in the confines of the music room, coercing his vocal cords to match the melodious tune of Jongdae’s voice and the melody Baekhyun’s immaculate fingers coaxed from the old piano. He gripped his wrist at each missed note, unconsciously tracing the new cuts that ran a little too close to his pulse point over the band of his watch.
Finally, clearly frustrated, the music teacher tapped her music stand with her baton sharply and surveyed Lu Han with beady eyes. “What’s the matter with you today, Lu Han? We can’t have you messing up so close to the competition!” Lu Han bowed his head contritely, avoiding the stares coming from every corner of the space. “Well… I guess we should call it a day. Be ready for practice tomorrow.” She casted a pointed look at Lu Han and strutted out of the room. The rest of the room’s occupants trickled out soon after, smiling and bidding him farewell hesitantly; Lu Han didn’t fail to return their greetings with a gleeful grin and a polite inclination of his head.
“Hey, are you okay?” Baekhyun asked worriedly, placing a comforting hand on Lu Han’s shoulder, as Jongdae closed in on his other side, eyeing him anxiously. Lu Han tried not to squirm away from the uncomfortable contact.
He flashed a smile at the two. “Yeah, just a little tired. Don’t worry about it. You guys go ahead; I’ll stay behind to practise a bit more.” He smiled away the worried glances of his friends and waved a cheery farewell as they disappeared down the hallway.
Once he was finally alone, he allowed himself to shatter.
He felt his world, each fragment of his life, crumble apart.
One
By
One.
With a rush of energy, his hands descended upon the ivory keys of the ancient piano, filling the empty silence with cacophonous noise and a growl of frustration. He grabbed at the nearby music stand and swung it at the surrounding chairs recklessly, pushing them out of alignment and carelessly abandoning the object in the resulting mess as he kicked aimlessly at anything within his reach. The racket brought the sound of hurried steps to the door but he was too far gone to care.
‘Let them see their perfect Lu Han! Let them see what they’ve done to me!’
He wretched the watch from his wrist, leaving trails of angry red scratch marks along his pale arm as he clawed it off, and flung it at the vase sitting atop the piano, smashing it into a million pieces at his feet. The solitary white daisy it contained dropped to the ground and lay surrounded by the broken remnants of its abode.
“Lu Han!”
He laughed almost manically, the beautiful sound a stark contrast with the redness of his eyes and the messy tracks of tears on his face. Of course the universe would taunt him like this; kicking him in the gut at his lowest point and forcing him to see just how flawed he truly was. He turned to the golden boy and scowled at the beautiful face staring at him in confused shock.
“Get the fuck away from me, Sehun, you bastard.” The usually melodic voice lowered angrily, polluted for the first time with harsh words that scarred his already battered heart.
Sehun stepped closer instead. “Lu Han, please, tell me what’s wrong.”
Inch by inch, Sehun moved toward him and inch by inch, Lu Han moved away until his hip collided with the piano behind him, the remains of shattered glass crunching beneath his feet. The lone flower the vase once held was now just a shadow of its former beauty. “Just fucking get away from me.”
“No. I want to help you. I care about you.”
Lu Han collapsed onto the floor, suddenly too tired to hold himself up. Drops of crimson materialized where his skin came in contact with shards of glass, immediately bringing Sehun to his knees before him. “Bullshit.” Lu Han rasped, voice quivering weakly. “You’re a motherfucking lying son of a bitch.”
He didn’t resist when Sehun pulled him into his embrace, carefully cradling Lu Han’s head at the crook of his neck, where wet stains bloomed on the fabric of his uniform, and gently caressing his bleeding hands. He didn’t struggle when Sehun pulled him away from the mess he created and sat him down on a chair after carefully wrapping his wounds with a handkerchief so that he could return the room to order. He didn’t speak when Sehun escorted him home and tucked him into the warmth of his own bed, the ghost of his touch on his cheek accompanying him into dreamland.
-
The next morning came as usual. He forced himself out of bed with difficulty and readied himself for school, trying, albeit unsuccessfully, to eradicate the previous day’s events from his memory. The minor cuts on his hands were on their way to recovery and could be covered with small bandages and white lies but the telltale slashes along his wrists were bare without the watch he had forgotten in the music room. Sighing, he pulled on the wristband he normally used during soccer matches and dunked the stained handkerchief into a bowl of water, watching the scarlet swirl into the liquid and sully it with his essence.
With one last lingering look at the dirty handkerchief, he departed.
-
It wasn’t too difficult to avoid being alone with Sehun. As always, Lu Han was swarmed with requests of aid and guidance from his peers the moment he set foot on school grounds and, as always, he allowed them to pull him this way or that to fulfill their requests, an obliging smile plastered on his face as usual as thoughts of the impeding encounter with Sehun were pushed to the back of his mind. When the two found themselves in each other’s company at last, at least a couple of their shared friends were constantly in attendance, preventing either from mentioning the incident and filling the gaps of their silence with their own banter, much to Lu Han’s relief.
The day neared its end without the pair finding any opportunity to talk. Lu Han breathed a sigh of relief.
He walked out into the garden, finally released from Joonmyun’s clutches when the student council president finally cleared his desk of troublesome paperwork with his assistance, to clear his thoughts in the wintry chill. He skipped the bench altogether and plopped down on a bank of snow high enough to conceal his lying figure from the view of casual passersby, sprawling his arms out as if to embrace the cloudless sky above him. He closed his eyes and let the cold erase his worries.
Just as drowsiness began to tug at his eyelids, hasty footsteps drew closer and Sehun’s frantic expression invaded his vision, short pants tickling his nose.
“What the fuck do you want?” Lu Han bit out, almost regretting it the moment his eyes met pools of chocolate, the sincerity within their depths stunning him to silence.
The other boy reached a trembling hand down to cup his cheek; Lu Han flinched. “Don’t,” he choked out, desperation clinging onto every breath he took, “don’t leave.” His last word held a string of untold pleas.
His hand travelled down Lu Han’s face and to his left hand, drawing it up to press it against Sehun’s cheek, tenderly stroking the bandaged wounds with his thumb; Lu Han let him. When the fingers shifted down to move the wristband away from its location, gingerly grazing the lacerations with delicate digits, he voiced no objection.
“Please don’t leave me.”
A teardrop slipped down Sehun’s visage and onto Lu Han’s own, mingling with the tears that leaked out of the corner of Lu Han’s eyes as Sehun pressed kiss after frantic kiss on his palm.
Lu Han closed his eyes, releasing the breath he had been holding. When he opened them again to gaze into Sehun’s, a small smile rested on his serene features.
“I won’t.”
AN:
I wrote this to prove to myself that I could write something other than fluff. But, ugh, wtf did I write? -________-
See, this is why I don't write and try not to read angst. My heart cannot take these emotions. TT____TT
Does this really count as a romance? I don't know... So I'm leaving that out of the tags.
Random note: OMG, I just found this today. afnwalkefnwnfw WHAT. IS. FREAKING. AIR? /sobs THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Title: Atelophobia
Pairing: Sehun/Lu Han
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU, Angst
Word count: 2850
Summary: Perfection is a hard thing to live up to.
Warning: Mentions of self harm.
Perfection.
Lu Han despised that word.
He abhorred it with his whole being. He despised the way it tumbled so easily out of other people’s lips, coated in nauseating sweetness, and was hurled at him with unforgiving force as smiles that never quite reached dim eyes obstructed his vision. He loathed the way it seemed to paste itself to every definition of his existence: Lu Han and his perfectly handsome looks, Lu Han and perfect manners, Lu Han and his perfect academic excellence, Lu Han and his perfect leadership of the soccer team, Lu Han and his amazing ability to create the most perfect melodies using only the sound of his perfect, perfect voice.
What he hated the most was the fact that perfect was never enough.
Somehow, no matter how many compliments he was given, none actually reached him. Somehow, his parents never actually seemed to look at him and his achievements, never actually seemed to hear the praises that surround him each suffocating second of the day, never actually seemed to realize that all the effort he offered them was tearing him apart with every glance thrown instead to the taller Kris, the smarter Joonmyun, the stronger Tao, the sweeter-sounding Jongdae, the funnier Baekhyun or the kinder Yixing.
At the hub of all this was Oh Sehun.
Nothing could compare to the detestation he had for Sehun, the golden child.
Without so much as a smile and a drawl in a slight lisp, everyone was magnetically pulled to Sehun. He was average in grades, not quite so artistic, certainly not lacking in the looks department and was fair at the few sports he would occasionally play after school, free from extra lessons, organizations and clubs that plagued Lu Han’s life for as long as he could remember, but, one way or another, everybody who encountered him fell to his charms.
Lu Han retracted from every conversation bearing his name because each word constricted his throat painfully. He ran away without hesitation when dark brown hair and sleepy eyes entered his vision because just the sight of him sent prickles of pain to reddened lines concealed on the underside of his watch. He curled into a ball in the darkness of his own room, shackled by messy bed sheets, when his parents’ offhand comments, “why can’t you be more like that Oh Sehun kid?”, dominated his brain and squeezed frustrated tears out of his tired eyes.
But the universe never works the way people want it to.
As if mocking him, in his senior year of high school, the last dreadful year under his overwhelming shadow, Lu Han found himself seated right next to the boy he hated most. Sehun, unaware of the other’s dilemma, was all smiles and excitement. After introducing himself, rather unnecessarily because everyone knew Sehun, he shook Lu Han’s hand eagerly and said, without a drop of shame or mendaciousness in his dulcet voice, “I’m so glad that we’re finally in the same class! I’ve always admired you! I think that you’re-” Lu Han held his breath “-absolutely perfect!”
A practiced smile made its way onto his face as his fingernails dug deep into the flesh of his palm. “Thank you." The words slipped out with hypocritical ease. Under Sehun’s honest gaze, Lu Han felt tainted. Only when Minseok, the vice-captain of the soccer team, pulled him away from the conversation to discuss tryouts for the new season did the pressure in his palms alleviate, leaving red marks that, in his mind, never really went away.
-
Unfortunately Sehun’s zeal to become better acquainted with Lu Han did not diminish in the least in the following days despite Lu Han’s comparatively cold reception to his advances. When not in the company of his friends, Jongin, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol, Sehun often sought Lu Han’s companionship, sticking to him like glue and initiating a largely one-sided dialogue with the other, innocent eyes failing to see the slight strain in his ever-present smile or the fleeting touch of long fingers against the strap of his wristwatch.
For the most part, Lu Han humoured him, his manners as much a curse as a blessing. He allowed the taller boy to follow him from classroom to classroom, to lunch and to the café he frequented with his friends after school, naturally fitting amongst his friends as if he had always been there. He watched Sehun sling an arm around Baekhyun effortlessly and drag Tao along with him as he chatted animatedly with the normally stoic Kris who now ported a small smile of sorts. He watched Jongin, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol eventually join their ranks, replacing his increasingly diminishing voice with their own. He watched as he lost pieces of himself, bit by bit, to Sehun’s smile and laugh and voice while ruby-coloured liquid dripped out of new lines on his forearm.
“Lu Han?”
He snapped his head in the direction of his name, internally wincing because it was that voice again. He shied away from the hand extended toward him and ushered the resulting frown on the other’s face away with a dazzling smile of his own.
“Yes, Sehun?”
“Are you alright? You haven’t said anything for the past few minutes…”
Suddenly every eye was upon him. Lu Han wanted to run away. Instead, he grinned more widely, ignoring the objection of his muscles and the pain in his chest, and scratched the back of his neck in what he hoped looked like meek embarrassment, subtly moving his arm away from Yixing’s questioning touch. “Oh, I was just thinking about the calculus test tomorrow.”
His lies were accepted without question and were laughed off just as easily.
“Please, Lu Han.” Chanyeol said with a chuckle. “We all know you’re going to ace it without even trying and Joonmyun’s going to complain about you getting the same mark as him even if you didn’t study at all.” They all nodded, with a small pout and an indignant “Hey!” from Joonmyun before he rushed away to tend to his responsibilities in the student council, and resumed their previous conversation, not noticing the falter in Lu Han’s smile.
Of course he tried. Of course he studied. But, with everyone pushing their own concerns down his throat, asking him to help them with a chemistry problem or to stay behind to help refine their penalty kicks or to lend a hand in last minute student council work, of course no one would see him plow through textbooks in the dim light of his desk lamp at three in the morning, futilely forcing information into his exhausted brain while willing away tears that threatened to stain his papers or the pain from the darkening bruise on his thigh where he vented his frustration when his father asked about Sehun rather than his day.
Lu Han laughed along with them.
-
When snow graced the city with its presence, Lu Han quietly slipped away from his friends’ loud chaos to sit in the school garden that was now deserted for the warmth of the indoors.
Lu Han wrapped his scarf around his neck until the pressure almost obstructed his breathing; the discomfort was almost reassuring. Warm puffs of breath joined the cool air as he observed the white precipitation falling around him and allowed the numbness of his fingers to overtake his senses. He liked the cold of winter, its icy mercilessness and the layers upon layers of clothing that divided him from its frosty bite and the touch of others. It was the only season that seemed to understand him.
He sat without speaking, without thinking, because words and thoughts only hurt.
The silence was short-lived. From the corner of his eye, he saw Sehun run to where he sat, hurriedly pulling his jacket around him and laughing when he nearly slid on a patch of ice. “There you are! I was wondering where you vanished off to.”
Lu Han feigned a bashful smile and moved to make space for Sehun on the bench, carefully evading the hand seeking his, because Sehun had a natural inclination to cling onto others, by shoving his into his pockets with the excuse of the cold. “I just wanted some fresh air. What are you doing out here?”
Sehun shrugged happily, amusing himself by collecting the white fluff into his hands and pressing it into a round shape. “Jongin was making fun of my marks in physics, even though his aren’t any better, so I left. Besides, it isn’t as fun hanging out with everyone if you aren’t there too.”
Lu Han let out a short chuckle at that. ‘Lies,’ he thought as his laughter died off, dissipating in the frosty air, ‘they don’t need me there because they have you now.’
-
He started to break.
White matter cascaded down from the heavens outside, coating the Earth in white. Lu Han wanted nothing more than to run out and mar the white perfection, defile it with his own hands. He was trapped, however, in the confines of the music room, coercing his vocal cords to match the melodious tune of Jongdae’s voice and the melody Baekhyun’s immaculate fingers coaxed from the old piano. He gripped his wrist at each missed note, unconsciously tracing the new cuts that ran a little too close to his pulse point over the band of his watch.
Finally, clearly frustrated, the music teacher tapped her music stand with her baton sharply and surveyed Lu Han with beady eyes. “What’s the matter with you today, Lu Han? We can’t have you messing up so close to the competition!” Lu Han bowed his head contritely, avoiding the stares coming from every corner of the space. “Well… I guess we should call it a day. Be ready for practice tomorrow.” She casted a pointed look at Lu Han and strutted out of the room. The rest of the room’s occupants trickled out soon after, smiling and bidding him farewell hesitantly; Lu Han didn’t fail to return their greetings with a gleeful grin and a polite inclination of his head.
“Hey, are you okay?” Baekhyun asked worriedly, placing a comforting hand on Lu Han’s shoulder, as Jongdae closed in on his other side, eyeing him anxiously. Lu Han tried not to squirm away from the uncomfortable contact.
He flashed a smile at the two. “Yeah, just a little tired. Don’t worry about it. You guys go ahead; I’ll stay behind to practise a bit more.” He smiled away the worried glances of his friends and waved a cheery farewell as they disappeared down the hallway.
Once he was finally alone, he allowed himself to shatter.
He felt his world, each fragment of his life, crumble apart.
One
By
One.
With a rush of energy, his hands descended upon the ivory keys of the ancient piano, filling the empty silence with cacophonous noise and a growl of frustration. He grabbed at the nearby music stand and swung it at the surrounding chairs recklessly, pushing them out of alignment and carelessly abandoning the object in the resulting mess as he kicked aimlessly at anything within his reach. The racket brought the sound of hurried steps to the door but he was too far gone to care.
‘Let them see their perfect Lu Han! Let them see what they’ve done to me!’
He wretched the watch from his wrist, leaving trails of angry red scratch marks along his pale arm as he clawed it off, and flung it at the vase sitting atop the piano, smashing it into a million pieces at his feet. The solitary white daisy it contained dropped to the ground and lay surrounded by the broken remnants of its abode.
“Lu Han!”
He laughed almost manically, the beautiful sound a stark contrast with the redness of his eyes and the messy tracks of tears on his face. Of course the universe would taunt him like this; kicking him in the gut at his lowest point and forcing him to see just how flawed he truly was. He turned to the golden boy and scowled at the beautiful face staring at him in confused shock.
“Get the fuck away from me, Sehun, you bastard.” The usually melodic voice lowered angrily, polluted for the first time with harsh words that scarred his already battered heart.
Sehun stepped closer instead. “Lu Han, please, tell me what’s wrong.”
Inch by inch, Sehun moved toward him and inch by inch, Lu Han moved away until his hip collided with the piano behind him, the remains of shattered glass crunching beneath his feet. The lone flower the vase once held was now just a shadow of its former beauty. “Just fucking get away from me.”
“No. I want to help you. I care about you.”
Lu Han collapsed onto the floor, suddenly too tired to hold himself up. Drops of crimson materialized where his skin came in contact with shards of glass, immediately bringing Sehun to his knees before him. “Bullshit.” Lu Han rasped, voice quivering weakly. “You’re a motherfucking lying son of a bitch.”
He didn’t resist when Sehun pulled him into his embrace, carefully cradling Lu Han’s head at the crook of his neck, where wet stains bloomed on the fabric of his uniform, and gently caressing his bleeding hands. He didn’t struggle when Sehun pulled him away from the mess he created and sat him down on a chair after carefully wrapping his wounds with a handkerchief so that he could return the room to order. He didn’t speak when Sehun escorted him home and tucked him into the warmth of his own bed, the ghost of his touch on his cheek accompanying him into dreamland.
-
The next morning came as usual. He forced himself out of bed with difficulty and readied himself for school, trying, albeit unsuccessfully, to eradicate the previous day’s events from his memory. The minor cuts on his hands were on their way to recovery and could be covered with small bandages and white lies but the telltale slashes along his wrists were bare without the watch he had forgotten in the music room. Sighing, he pulled on the wristband he normally used during soccer matches and dunked the stained handkerchief into a bowl of water, watching the scarlet swirl into the liquid and sully it with his essence.
With one last lingering look at the dirty handkerchief, he departed.
-
It wasn’t too difficult to avoid being alone with Sehun. As always, Lu Han was swarmed with requests of aid and guidance from his peers the moment he set foot on school grounds and, as always, he allowed them to pull him this way or that to fulfill their requests, an obliging smile plastered on his face as usual as thoughts of the impeding encounter with Sehun were pushed to the back of his mind. When the two found themselves in each other’s company at last, at least a couple of their shared friends were constantly in attendance, preventing either from mentioning the incident and filling the gaps of their silence with their own banter, much to Lu Han’s relief.
The day neared its end without the pair finding any opportunity to talk. Lu Han breathed a sigh of relief.
He walked out into the garden, finally released from Joonmyun’s clutches when the student council president finally cleared his desk of troublesome paperwork with his assistance, to clear his thoughts in the wintry chill. He skipped the bench altogether and plopped down on a bank of snow high enough to conceal his lying figure from the view of casual passersby, sprawling his arms out as if to embrace the cloudless sky above him. He closed his eyes and let the cold erase his worries.
Just as drowsiness began to tug at his eyelids, hasty footsteps drew closer and Sehun’s frantic expression invaded his vision, short pants tickling his nose.
“What the fuck do you want?” Lu Han bit out, almost regretting it the moment his eyes met pools of chocolate, the sincerity within their depths stunning him to silence.
The other boy reached a trembling hand down to cup his cheek; Lu Han flinched. “Don’t,” he choked out, desperation clinging onto every breath he took, “don’t leave.” His last word held a string of untold pleas.
His hand travelled down Lu Han’s face and to his left hand, drawing it up to press it against Sehun’s cheek, tenderly stroking the bandaged wounds with his thumb; Lu Han let him. When the fingers shifted down to move the wristband away from its location, gingerly grazing the lacerations with delicate digits, he voiced no objection.
“Please don’t leave me.”
A teardrop slipped down Sehun’s visage and onto Lu Han’s own, mingling with the tears that leaked out of the corner of Lu Han’s eyes as Sehun pressed kiss after frantic kiss on his palm.
Lu Han closed his eyes, releasing the breath he had been holding. When he opened them again to gaze into Sehun’s, a small smile rested on his serene features.
“I won’t.”
AN:
I wrote this to prove to myself that I could write something other than fluff. But, ugh, wtf did I write? -________-
See, this is why I don't write and try not to read angst. My heart cannot take these emotions. TT____TT
Does this really count as a romance? I don't know... So I'm leaving that out of the tags.
Random note: OMG, I just found this today. afnwalkefnwnfw WHAT. IS. FREAKING. AIR? /sobs THANK YOU SO MUCH!