House crack!fic
Hey folks, I'm at it again, this time with the wonderful world of Dr Gregory House MD. Despite the rather serious sounding title this is most definitely a fluffy bit of candy-floss. It's House & Wilson but not slash. Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: None of it is mine, I don't own a thing and I'm not getting anything but a twisted sense of pleasure.
Addiction
Wilson had been acting strangely for a few weeks now, ever since Cuddy had told them that the hospital’s blood bank was running low. He was looking pale and he wasn’t taking House’s jibes with his usual good humour. As they sat eating lunch with coma-guy, House examined his friend.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were in withdrawal.” He mused aloud, making Wilson start. Wilson looked at him before the corner of his lips twitched in amusement.
“If you didn’t know better. Well you of all people would know.” Wilson said with a little more venom than he would normally, as he stood up, “I’ve got to go.” House watched him go before he got up and limped after him.
He hung back, not wanting Wilson to know he was following, but Wilson simply headed to his office. House went into his own office and looked out across the balcony to his friend’s desk. Wilson went to a small refrigerator that House had never noticed before and pulled out a carton. He went to his desk and proceeded to drink its contents. Intrigued, House limped across to his friend’s door and rapped on it with his cane, making Wilson jump about three feet in the air. Wilson opened the door and let House in before returning to his desk.
“So how long has this been going on?” House asked, indicating the carton with his cane.
“Twenty five years.” There was a silence as Wilson examined House. “You have no idea what’s going on do you? Let’s just say you have your addiction and I have mine, and leave it at that, okay?”
“No, not okay! We’re supposed to be friends, we’re supposed to share everything.”
“Oh do not give me that! What happened to ‘everyone lies’? Or do you expect me to be different because I’m good old dependable Wilson? Well newsflash, I have secrets too. Why do you think I’ve been so tolerant of your pill-popping all these years?”
“Because you’ve got an unbelievably large sense of loyalty and a desperate need to help others?” House quipped. Wilson shook his head and laughed. “So what is it? You’re not the alcoholic type.” Before Wilson could react, House leaned over and grabbed the carton. He sniffed at the contents and pulled a face. Looking at his friend quizzically he said, “Blood?” he paused for a moment, considering the alternatives. “You’ve got proferia.”
“No, I haven’t.” Wilson laughed. “And I’m not anaemic or any of the other diseases that amazing brain of yours is about to rattle through. To be honest, I’m astounded I was able to keep it from you all these years. I’m a vampire.” Wilson said with a look of deadly seriousness on his face. House just snorted. “I’m serious. Have you ever seen me in a mirror or a photograph? Have you ever seen me eat garlic?”
“So you don’t like looking at yourself and you hate garlic. Doesn’t make you a vampire. You go out in daylight.”
“Daylight doesn’t affect living vampires like me.”
“Living vampires?” House asked incredulously, now fairly convinced that his best friend had cracked.
“The regular kind are dead, well undead, and they can only go out at night. I wasn’t drained completely, so I’m undead but living. It doesn’t really make much sense, none of it does, I know. I’ve spent the last twenty some odd years trying to understand it. Haven’t you ever noticed that I’ve barely aged in all the time I’ve known you?”
“So you’ve got good genes! You’re not a vampire, you’re just nuts.” House stood up and limped to the door. Wilson stood up too and put his hand to his temple. He stared hard at House and spoke in a commanding voice,
“House. Stop.” He said. To House’s amazement he obeyed Wilson. “Now turn around and come and sit down. I’m not done.” Wilson commanded, and House obeyed.
“What did you just do?” House demanded.
“I…well I guess hypnosis is the closest explanation. It’s one of my powers. I should have known you would need a demonstration. But my powers are stronger at night. Can you stop yourself limping off to get a straight jacket until dark? Then I can prove that I’m a vampire.”
“Well this I have to see. I promise I won’t say a word to anyone until tomorrow morning. Good enough?”
“I guess it will have to be. Meet me under our balcony after the sun sets.”
House stood under the balcony and watched the sun set beyond the horizon. He still didn’t believe Wilson, but something strange was going on. The worst that could happen was that Wilson was really crazy and at least then House could have a good laugh at his expense. Unless this was some elaborate prank. Fearing he was about to get a bucket of water dropped on him, House suddenly looked up and saw Wilson standing on the roof above him, some ten stories up. Wilson waved and then stepped off the roof.
“No!” House yelled, taking a step backward. He watched his friend plummet to earth with horror, which turned to surprise as Wilson landed on his feet as gracefully as a cat.
For the first time in his life, House was speechless. He just stood there doing a passable impression of a goldfish.
“Let’s get some dinner.” Wilson said, gently taking House by the arm, “I’m buying. But no Italian, they use too much garlic.”
By the time House recovered the power of speech, they were at his home, sitting on his couch, the take-out going cold in front of them. Wilson was regarding him nervously, still waiting to see what his friend’s reaction would be.
“Can you turn into a bat?” House queried finally. Wilson laughed and shook his head, although he could turn into a wolf, but he didn’t want House to know about that. It would lead to an interminable string of jokes and House would probably come up with some perverted way to use it for his own end. “Damn. I was thinking you could spy on Cuddy, find out if she really is a man. Do you think you could use that hypnosis thing to make her take her clothes off in the middle of a board meeting?” House asked. Wilson laughed again, from relief this time; if House was already making jokes then he had accepted this as part of who he was.
“Only you could want to use a vampire as a peeping tom.”
“How old are you?”
“I’m only forty-one. I was bitten when I was sixteen. I still age, just really slowly, about a year or two every decade, which is why I still look in my twenties. Physically I’m only nineteen.” Wilson explained. House snorted with laughter. “If you’re just going to laugh at me then I’m going.” Wilson said, although he didn’t really mean it, he was secretly pleased that House was taking it all so well. “There’s something else I need to tell you.”
“You’re gay.”
“Yes. And I’m deeply in love with you, there’s no sense denying it anymore.” Wilson replied with a large dose of sarcasm. He sighed before continuing “My name isn’t James Wilson. It’s Jeremy Capello. I had to change it to attend college because a few months after high school I was supposed to have died in a car accident.”
“Anything else you’re keeping from me? You’re really Elvis’ lovechild? You know where Jimmy Hoffa is? George Bush is an alien? Wait, we all know that.” House looked at Wilson with a knowing grin on his face.
“There’s nothing else. Are we good? Can I trust you to keep my secret?”
“I promise, my lips are sealed.” House said, crossing his chest and raising his right palm in a boy scout salute. Satisfied Wilson left him and headed back to his hotel.
The next morning, everything seemed pretty normal. Cuddy had informed Wilson that the blood supplies had been replenished. He was happy to hear that. Although pig’s blood did the job for him most of the time, it was sometimes difficult to find and the occasional shot of human blood once a month or so stopped him craving it. He hated lying to Cuddy, but as long as she thought he had a rare blood problem she would give him all the O positive he wanted. But he couldn’t bear the thought that he was taking blood from someone who needed it. That was why he had told her that there were more needy people than him, that he could manage without his ‘transfusions’ during this shortage. The pig’s blood was good enough, it just left him looking a little pale, which was good for making Cuddy believe that he really was ill.
Suddenly his pager went off. He looked at it and saw it was House, so with a sigh he got up and went into his neighbour’s office. House and his minions were seated around the table. House looked up as he entered, adopted a look of horror, and began fumbling around in his shirt. He produced a cross and thrust it toward Wilson, who simply rolled his eyes. Chase, Foreman and Cameron looked between each other, their boss and Wilson, wondering just what House was playing at today.
“Argh! Get back foul spawn of Satan!” House shouted with mock terror.
“Just ignore him.” Wilson told the others, “You paged me remember?” he said to House.
“Oh yes.” House said, lowering the cross, “Take a look at these.” He said with a grin and passed Wilson several x-rays. Wilson took them with a smile and a shake of his head.
The End
Author’s Note: For those of you not familiar with Robert Sean Leonard’s filmography, he played the teenage vampire Jeremy Capello in I was a Teenage Vampire, which is actually pretty good in a cheesy late-80s Lost Boys cash-in kind of way. It was actually made in 1988, but I fudged the dates a little to account for physical age and House & Wilson’s long friendship.
Disclaimer: None of it is mine, I don't own a thing and I'm not getting anything but a twisted sense of pleasure.
Addiction
Wilson had been acting strangely for a few weeks now, ever since Cuddy had told them that the hospital’s blood bank was running low. He was looking pale and he wasn’t taking House’s jibes with his usual good humour. As they sat eating lunch with coma-guy, House examined his friend.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were in withdrawal.” He mused aloud, making Wilson start. Wilson looked at him before the corner of his lips twitched in amusement.
“If you didn’t know better. Well you of all people would know.” Wilson said with a little more venom than he would normally, as he stood up, “I’ve got to go.” House watched him go before he got up and limped after him.
He hung back, not wanting Wilson to know he was following, but Wilson simply headed to his office. House went into his own office and looked out across the balcony to his friend’s desk. Wilson went to a small refrigerator that House had never noticed before and pulled out a carton. He went to his desk and proceeded to drink its contents. Intrigued, House limped across to his friend’s door and rapped on it with his cane, making Wilson jump about three feet in the air. Wilson opened the door and let House in before returning to his desk.
“So how long has this been going on?” House asked, indicating the carton with his cane.
“Twenty five years.” There was a silence as Wilson examined House. “You have no idea what’s going on do you? Let’s just say you have your addiction and I have mine, and leave it at that, okay?”
“No, not okay! We’re supposed to be friends, we’re supposed to share everything.”
“Oh do not give me that! What happened to ‘everyone lies’? Or do you expect me to be different because I’m good old dependable Wilson? Well newsflash, I have secrets too. Why do you think I’ve been so tolerant of your pill-popping all these years?”
“Because you’ve got an unbelievably large sense of loyalty and a desperate need to help others?” House quipped. Wilson shook his head and laughed. “So what is it? You’re not the alcoholic type.” Before Wilson could react, House leaned over and grabbed the carton. He sniffed at the contents and pulled a face. Looking at his friend quizzically he said, “Blood?” he paused for a moment, considering the alternatives. “You’ve got proferia.”
“No, I haven’t.” Wilson laughed. “And I’m not anaemic or any of the other diseases that amazing brain of yours is about to rattle through. To be honest, I’m astounded I was able to keep it from you all these years. I’m a vampire.” Wilson said with a look of deadly seriousness on his face. House just snorted. “I’m serious. Have you ever seen me in a mirror or a photograph? Have you ever seen me eat garlic?”
“So you don’t like looking at yourself and you hate garlic. Doesn’t make you a vampire. You go out in daylight.”
“Daylight doesn’t affect living vampires like me.”
“Living vampires?” House asked incredulously, now fairly convinced that his best friend had cracked.
“The regular kind are dead, well undead, and they can only go out at night. I wasn’t drained completely, so I’m undead but living. It doesn’t really make much sense, none of it does, I know. I’ve spent the last twenty some odd years trying to understand it. Haven’t you ever noticed that I’ve barely aged in all the time I’ve known you?”
“So you’ve got good genes! You’re not a vampire, you’re just nuts.” House stood up and limped to the door. Wilson stood up too and put his hand to his temple. He stared hard at House and spoke in a commanding voice,
“House. Stop.” He said. To House’s amazement he obeyed Wilson. “Now turn around and come and sit down. I’m not done.” Wilson commanded, and House obeyed.
“What did you just do?” House demanded.
“I…well I guess hypnosis is the closest explanation. It’s one of my powers. I should have known you would need a demonstration. But my powers are stronger at night. Can you stop yourself limping off to get a straight jacket until dark? Then I can prove that I’m a vampire.”
“Well this I have to see. I promise I won’t say a word to anyone until tomorrow morning. Good enough?”
“I guess it will have to be. Meet me under our balcony after the sun sets.”
House stood under the balcony and watched the sun set beyond the horizon. He still didn’t believe Wilson, but something strange was going on. The worst that could happen was that Wilson was really crazy and at least then House could have a good laugh at his expense. Unless this was some elaborate prank. Fearing he was about to get a bucket of water dropped on him, House suddenly looked up and saw Wilson standing on the roof above him, some ten stories up. Wilson waved and then stepped off the roof.
“No!” House yelled, taking a step backward. He watched his friend plummet to earth with horror, which turned to surprise as Wilson landed on his feet as gracefully as a cat.
For the first time in his life, House was speechless. He just stood there doing a passable impression of a goldfish.
“Let’s get some dinner.” Wilson said, gently taking House by the arm, “I’m buying. But no Italian, they use too much garlic.”
By the time House recovered the power of speech, they were at his home, sitting on his couch, the take-out going cold in front of them. Wilson was regarding him nervously, still waiting to see what his friend’s reaction would be.
“Can you turn into a bat?” House queried finally. Wilson laughed and shook his head, although he could turn into a wolf, but he didn’t want House to know about that. It would lead to an interminable string of jokes and House would probably come up with some perverted way to use it for his own end. “Damn. I was thinking you could spy on Cuddy, find out if she really is a man. Do you think you could use that hypnosis thing to make her take her clothes off in the middle of a board meeting?” House asked. Wilson laughed again, from relief this time; if House was already making jokes then he had accepted this as part of who he was.
“Only you could want to use a vampire as a peeping tom.”
“How old are you?”
“I’m only forty-one. I was bitten when I was sixteen. I still age, just really slowly, about a year or two every decade, which is why I still look in my twenties. Physically I’m only nineteen.” Wilson explained. House snorted with laughter. “If you’re just going to laugh at me then I’m going.” Wilson said, although he didn’t really mean it, he was secretly pleased that House was taking it all so well. “There’s something else I need to tell you.”
“You’re gay.”
“Yes. And I’m deeply in love with you, there’s no sense denying it anymore.” Wilson replied with a large dose of sarcasm. He sighed before continuing “My name isn’t James Wilson. It’s Jeremy Capello. I had to change it to attend college because a few months after high school I was supposed to have died in a car accident.”
“Anything else you’re keeping from me? You’re really Elvis’ lovechild? You know where Jimmy Hoffa is? George Bush is an alien? Wait, we all know that.” House looked at Wilson with a knowing grin on his face.
“There’s nothing else. Are we good? Can I trust you to keep my secret?”
“I promise, my lips are sealed.” House said, crossing his chest and raising his right palm in a boy scout salute. Satisfied Wilson left him and headed back to his hotel.
The next morning, everything seemed pretty normal. Cuddy had informed Wilson that the blood supplies had been replenished. He was happy to hear that. Although pig’s blood did the job for him most of the time, it was sometimes difficult to find and the occasional shot of human blood once a month or so stopped him craving it. He hated lying to Cuddy, but as long as she thought he had a rare blood problem she would give him all the O positive he wanted. But he couldn’t bear the thought that he was taking blood from someone who needed it. That was why he had told her that there were more needy people than him, that he could manage without his ‘transfusions’ during this shortage. The pig’s blood was good enough, it just left him looking a little pale, which was good for making Cuddy believe that he really was ill.
Suddenly his pager went off. He looked at it and saw it was House, so with a sigh he got up and went into his neighbour’s office. House and his minions were seated around the table. House looked up as he entered, adopted a look of horror, and began fumbling around in his shirt. He produced a cross and thrust it toward Wilson, who simply rolled his eyes. Chase, Foreman and Cameron looked between each other, their boss and Wilson, wondering just what House was playing at today.
“Argh! Get back foul spawn of Satan!” House shouted with mock terror.
“Just ignore him.” Wilson told the others, “You paged me remember?” he said to House.
“Oh yes.” House said, lowering the cross, “Take a look at these.” He said with a grin and passed Wilson several x-rays. Wilson took them with a smile and a shake of his head.
The End
Author’s Note: For those of you not familiar with Robert Sean Leonard’s filmography, he played the teenage vampire Jeremy Capello in I was a Teenage Vampire, which is actually pretty good in a cheesy late-80s Lost Boys cash-in kind of way. It was actually made in 1988, but I fudged the dates a little to account for physical age and House & Wilson’s long friendship.