[ikon] don't leave me alone with this uncertainty
title: don't leave me alone with this uncertainty
fandom: ikon
pairing: none, character study
word count: 5,759
don't leave me alone with this uncertainty
when chanwoo is eight he’s featured in the tvxq balloons music video and he watches in awe as they perform and sing. the bright lights shine on their faces as they dance and mouth along to the lyrics of the songs. he’s enraptured by the way they act and thinks that this is something he would like to do as well.
two years later, he’s in his first drama as the younger version of prince yangnyung. he receives more roles after that, and it becomes something that he’s used to, casually slipping on another mask when the camera is watching. he loves it, the way he can pretend to be another person with a different story and not just plain jung chanwoo.
somewhere in the middle, he goes to his first concert, a big bang concert and is struck by their stunning performance. he’s still thrumming with post-adrenaline up until a week after the concert, completely enthralled by their performance. there was something alluring about the way big bang sung on stage with the lights shining upon their faces, and the pure power in they delivered within their dances. he gazes up at the stage with wide eyes and a gaping mouth, heart clenching, as he stands there in awe, palms turning sweaty as he grips the seat in front of him.
his mother is nice enough to indulge him in his dreams, and allows him to veer slightly off-course from his acting career. he still loves acting, but he his passion for singing is reignited once more. there’s something that makes him gravitate towards the stage, and whenever he picks up a microphone and sings its sends a pleasant sensation from the center of his chest to the tips of his toes.
in 2013, chanwoo joins yg. he’s throbbing with energy as passes the audition, and although he’s far off from his dream of singing and standing on the stage he already feels one step closer to making that come true. when practice starts, it’s grueling and tiring and he feels a new soreness in his muscles every night when he goes back home.
some nights his voice becomes scratchy and hoarse and he’s unable to speak for the next few days. he loves to practice though, he loves to sing and dance and every day he feels one step closer to performing on a stage. at night, he dreams of debuting.
the darkness of his room is the blackness of the stage, the light creeping under the crack of his door is the sometimes the lightsticks of the fans, other times it’s the light which illuminate his face. the knickknacks he keeps on his drawer are his bandmates. whenever he imagines performing on stage, it’s with several others, their figures always taking center stage, directly underneath the lights, yet every time they turn around to look at him, their faces are obscured by the darkness of his room.
chanwoo receives possibly the best news a trainee of his status can two months into his practice. he’s taken out of the practice room, with another trainee named jinhyeong, and is told that they’d be participating in the new survival program. the two of them glance at each other and chanwoo can feel his heart racing as they walk back into the practice room, with the other trainees looking on curiously with wide eyes. he’s ecstatic and tells his mother the news as soon as he gets home, and she looks at him with warm eyes before heading into the kitchen to make his favorite meal.
the next day he walks out of the car with jinhyeong, and he can already feel the camera trained on them. the two of them glance at each other, and chanwoo smiles at him as he can feel his heart pounding inside of his chest. he’s never felt this nervous for something before, and he’s more conscious than ever of the camera during his short interview.
he acts the way he knows the cameras want him to, smiles when he’s supposed to, and answers the questions with relative ease. jinhyeong gives looks at him with red, bleary eyes, and chanwoo can tell that he wasn’t the only one who couldn’t sleep last night. jinhyeong smile is tentative and slow as he reaches for the door, before he opens it.
the atmosphere in the room is the worst chanwoo has ever experienced. he’s faced with six others, all older than him, and he can see the hardest grimaces in their faces and the steely eyes of one who immediately adverts his eyes as soon as chanwoo and jinhyeong walk through the door. it’s extremely tense, and the questions that are thrown at the two of them don’t help either.
as soon as they’re all left alone (not entirely alone, chanwoo doesn’t think they’ll ever truly be left alone again) the tension in the room spikes up immediately. him and jinhyeong sit down opposite to the other six, and chanwoo continually glances down at the floor as he picks at his pants. he hasn’t felt this awkward in years, and his heart keeps on hammering against his ribcage. there’s sweat pooling underneath his armpits and at the back of his neck yet he smiles (it’s not smooth and natural, he feels like he’s pulling his lips too far back and his cheeks ache) the entire time.
there’s a part of him that feels terrible, because he’s seen the six other boys on television before, and the way their entire bodies have shifted into defense mode hurts, especially how the entirety of last year watching them was what kept him motivated to actively pursue his dream of standing on the stage. chanwoo never asked to take someone else’s place, he only wanted his own and he’s always known that the idol industry was cruel but never could he have imagined it would force him to do something like this.
they do make an effort to include him and jinhyeong, bobby smiles at the two of them and but its forced as he clasps their hands and crinkles his eyes into crescents. donghyuk and yunhyeong send them glances from time to time in the practice rooms, sorry enough to emphasize with their feeling of exclusion but still unsure whether or not they should reach out to them.
naturally, he’s taken by surprise when hanbin asks of his opinion for the first monthly evaluation. “chanwoo, what are your thoughts on this?” he questions as he wheels around from the computer to face him.
chanwoo tenses up, caught unaware, and he stutters when he says, “i like the song,” before nodding vehemently to reaffirm shaky statement. hanbin turns back around and nods to himself, before pulling up the youtube video for them all to watch.
during dance practice, chanwoo feels more like an outsider than ever. him and jinhyeong are in the back at first, attempting to follow along to hanbin’s rapid movements in the front. it’s difficult and his limbs feel out of place as he tries to imitate the rest of the team. now, more than ever do they stand out. they clearly don’t belong, not with the way the other six naturally fit together and their movements all compliment each other. it’s unsurprising to say the least when him and jinhyeong are the only ones left in the practice room, hanbin keeping an eye trained on their every movement in addition to the several cameras that film rigorously.
bobby and donghyuk come back in to watch the two of them, worry etched onto their faces and chanwoo feels as though he’s done nothing but bring grief to the entire team. the two of them smile from the corner of the room, and reach up to clap them on the backs and chanwoo plops down onto the hardwood floor to wipe the sweat off his face.
jinhyeong sits down next to him and exhales loudly, the two of them are sweaty and gross and chanwoo clenches and unclenches his fists as he watched his palm turn back and forth between a pale fleshy color. his breathing is quick, and he’s not entirely sure if it’s just from the dance practice or not. donghyuk is the first to leave, he smiles hesitantly at them before walking out the door, and hanbin right after as he pulls at his hair, muttering quietly to himself. bobby lingers behind, and despite his kind voice and warm grin chanwoo still feels as though his very presence was a disturbance to the team.
hanbin is frustrated, chanwoo can tell and he grits his teeth as he watches their dance practice while leaning against the mirror. every day he looks more tired than the last, and dark eye bags are a permanent fixture to all their faces but his are twice as bad as everyone else’s. chanwoo stands there, unmoving, as he and jinhyeong get critiqued by hanbin for the group dance. during he can feel junhwe’s eyes boring into him, and the cold shoulder he gets while donghyuk looks at them before his eyes dart awkwardly to the ground.
the closer they get to the monthly evaluation the harsher hanbin gets, never yelling at them directly, but his face is ice-cold as he tells them their mistakes. junhwe gets slightly more bristly as well, especially when they aren’t in the large group and jinhwan isn’t there to touch his shoulder, quietly murmuring words to his ear before his tensed-up shoulders relax. chanwoo feels sick to the pit of the stomach when he thinks of the possibility of not being able to make it, but he feels even worse when he sees the rest of the team, looking dejected as they stare at the ground.
“don’t worry too much,” yunhyeong tells him after a particular hard session of the group dance. chanwoo wipes the sweat off his face and yunhyeong rubs his back. “you’ll be fine,” he says as he smiles up at him. how can you even say that? chanwoo wants to scream at him, especially to me?
at night they go back to the dorms with the rest of the team, often in silence and chanwoo’s head is always partially drooping even on the short walk to the car. it’s tiring, practicing until two in the morning but he has a dream to achieve and this is the only way, he supposes. when they reach the dorms, he and jinhyeong immediately collapse into their beds, almost too tired to even change their clothes, chanwoo nearly sleeping in the shower while the water was still on.
some nights he can’t sleep though. those are the nights when he stares at the walls, not like the ones back home but similar enough. chanwoo looks up at the walls and imagines the city lights coming from the door behind him to be the stage lights shining down upon him. these lights feel different though, and being on this stage somehow feels more wrong. he feels like he doesn’t belong on this new stage, and at that point chanwoo pulls the blanket over his head and faces the wall.
tonight he supposes it’s one of them. it’s the day before their first monthly evaluation together, and chanwoo looks up at the ceiling with his covers pulled up to his chin. he stares listlessly at the walls and his heart is thumping loudly. he closes his eyes and tries to sleep, but ends up tossing and turning too much. instead, he decides to go to the kitchen.
he gets up quietly from his bed, and the cold night air hits him. chanwoo makes sure to be extra quiet as he closes the as to not bother yunhyeong. he pads quietly past the living room, going into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator to look at the food.
“can’t sleep?” someone whispers from behind him and chanwoo nearly yelps. it’s jinhyeong, with his hair stuck up in all sorts of different places as he rubs his eyes blearily. he sits down at the small table in the corner of the room as he yawns and stretches.
“i’m too nervous,” chanwoo confesses as he takes out the milk to pour himself a glass. he sits down across from jinhyeong and the back of his head is nagging him to go to sleep but his blood is rushing throughout his entire body. he takes a sip of his milk and jinhyeong looks at him, he’s smiling but his eyes are turning watery. “hyung, don’t cry,” he whispers as tears begin to fall from jinhyeong’s face.
“what if i don’t make it? what if i lose the best opportunity that i’ve gotten?” jinhyeong wipes underneath his eyes and smiles at chanwoo.
chanwoo smiles at jinhyeong hesitantly, “with your singing capabilities how could you not make it?” he asks as he punches his shoulder lightly. “you’ll make it, we’ll make it together,” chanwoo reassures him as he walks over to hug jinhyeong. what he doesn’t say is the immense guilt he would feel that if the two of them did make they would have to replace someone else.
when he pads back into his room, he settles into bed with an extremely heavy chest as he pulls his covers over his head once more.
they receive news of the new trainee right after their monthly evaluation and chanwoo’s back turns rigid as he looks at the ground once more. when all the judges have left them in the room his mind continues to race as he sits down next to jinhyeong and looks at the ground solemnly. he plays with the seams of his pants, and none of them are looking at one another.
it’s donghyuk who cries first, and he rubs at the corner of his eyes as he tries not to burst into tears. he blinks them back and sniffs and chanwoo isn’t sure how to react, so he hangs his head instead. bobby walk over to bring donghyuk closer to him, and embraces him as he tells him not to worry. chanwoo’s heart feels empty, as he looks down at the floor and watches as donghyuk’s tears continue to fall.
at this point, chanwoo isn’t sure anymore. the entire car ride back to the dorm he feels sick to his core. donghyuk is sitting next to him, with his hat covering his face as his entire body shakes. chanwoo reaches out a hand, but then pulls it back as donghyuk reaches up to wipe another tear and his body shudders once more. he can feel junhwe simmering as he continues to rub at his face, and his anger at chanwoo and jinhyeong and the new trainee, but mostly himself. junhwe sighs occasionally, as the takes off his hat to comb a hand through his and chanwoo can feel him glowering from here.
hanbin is stoic, compared to junhwe’s rage and donghyuk’s melancholy. he stares at the seat in front of him the entire time, not making a sound, and he hardly looks at anyone as they get off the car. donghyuk goes into the bathroom, dropping the hat onto the couch as he wipes at his eyes once more. jinhwan’s eyes are watery as well, yunhyeong slips into the bathroom a moment after. junhwe nearly stomps into his room, shoulders tense, as he tries his best not to slam the door after him.
jinhwan’s eyes look somewhat watery and red, not nearly as red as donghyuk’s, and he looks at hanbin and bobby before going into junhwe’s room. chanwoo can hear him quietly murmuring and someone he still feels junhwe’s frustrations radiating through several dry walls. hanbin gets up after awhile, and his face is extremely grim going into his room as well. bobby looks down at the ground, he leans over to punch chanwoo and jinhyeong’s arms.
“don’t worry too much,” he tells them as he smiles, and chanwoo’s mind is swirling. “you guys did extremely well for your first monthly evaluations, the new trainee will have nothing on you two.”
the two of them are left sitting there, alone, in the empty living room and chanwoo doesn’t know if it’s worth it to take someone else’s place, someone who deserves it more than he does. certainly not even close to donghyuk, yunhyeong, and junhwe, who have been in the team for two years and have gone through too much. and not like jinhyeong does, a million times sweeter than him with a voice infinitely better than his. chanwoo doesn’t think that he should get a spot more than the new trainee does, all he wanted was to achieve his dream and not trample all over someone else’s.
before they head out to the practice room the next morning, chanwoo catches donghyuk leaving the bathroom and embraces him, burying his face into his shoulder. he feels warm tears falling on his shoulder once more, and donghyuk lets out a small sob before heading back into the bathroom.
yunhyeong looks immensely tired as well, yet he smiles tiredly at chanwoo as he ruffles his hair, before going into the bathroom. jinhyeong looks tense and worried as well, fiddling with his fingers in the practice room as they await the new trainee.
when hongseok arrives, chanwoo feels as if they’re thrown into chaos. he thinks that this is what the rest of them must have felt like, uncomfortable and hesitant to accept the new trainee. chanwoo can see the lines etching themselves into jinhyeong’s forehead, when he first hears hongseok sings. chanwoo hates this, the guilt he feels when he thinks of how much hongseok has sacrificed just to pursue his dream to become a singer. he doesn’t want to compete in this cruel game, yet he has no other option but to.
he falls sick before the second preliminary match, and it was about time before he got physically ill as well. chanwoo feels faint and drained of his energy, and his insides are churning against each other. his head is pounding against his skull, and he fans himself with his cap as he continues to perspire. the edges of his vision are blurring together, and junhwe keeps on sending him concerned looks throughout practice.
chanwoo dodges bobby’s hand when he tries to feel his forehead, and wonders why his usually good skill of keeping up a facade has failed him this time. “i’m alright,” he lies to the rest of the group yet bobby insists on bringing him to the hospital anyway. chanwoo attempts to resist, but he finds that he no longer has the strength to fight back.
what he doesn’t tell bobby and junhwe is that he doesn’t think he deserves to go to the hospital and rest, not when the rest of them are working so hard and chanwoo is still a new trainee. he doesn’t want to bring down the team, because this match is the last one before the real deal, and he feels too tired from the late nights he’s spent in the practice room until the sun has started rising, to the guilt he feels whenever he thinks of ikon’s future.
back at the dorm, when he’s lying in his bed he hears the door creak open slightly. it’s yunhyeong, and chanwoo opens his eyes to blink at them sleepily. “you okay?” yunhyeong asks as he walks over to sit down on chanwoo’s bed.
“i’m fine,” he croaks and his entire body feels fiery hot. he manages to make out yunhyeong’s frown as he brushes away his sweaty bangs. “don’t worry about me hyung, you should go get some sleep.”
“don’t overwork yourself too much,” yunhyeong berates him as he continues to run his hand through chanwoo’s hair. “you’re only sixteen, chanwoo.”
“like you’re the one to talk,” chanwoo laughs and he ends up coughing, so he stops. his eyelids are dropping at this point, his entire body feels sore, and yunhyeong smacks his head lightly, before leaving.
jinhyeong fusses over him the next morning when they wake up, and his usually sweet face is carved into worry. (“you’re going to make it, right?” jinhyeong whispers to him in the few seconds when everyone is too busy to pay attention, with wide eyes). chanwoo brushes off bobby and junhwe during practice, reassuring the two of them that he was okay despite being extremely fatigued the other day. when the music starts he goes back to practice with a heavy heart in the pit of his stomach, his resolve slowly being peeled off piece by piece.
the day he gets chosen for the second match is probably the worst one yet. all of them are standing there, on the stage and chanwoo’s heart is beating at the rate of one, two, three, twenty-seven, forty-one. his head feels faint, and its as though he isn’t actually here, standing on this stage.
everyone is taken aback when tablo announces that junhwe doesn’t make it and he’s up for elimination. donghyuk’s head whips towards them, face the perfect picture of shock with his lips even in the tiniest “o.” jinhwan’s team all turn towards them simultaneously and slowly, and chanwoo can see junhwe shifting his jaw into a hard-set position as he rubs his face. junhwe’s eyes are practically steel, they’re cold and black and have the tiniest bit of shine as he walks forth with yunhyeong and jinhyeong to compete one last time.
chanwoo holds his breath the entire time, he can hardly look yet his eyes are drawn to the three of them. they talked about this backstage, bobby, junhwe, and him, yet with junhwe eliminated and chanwoo safe its too real and all too cruel. his whole body is tense as he clenches his fists, watching as yunhyeong is so nervous to the point where he forgets his lines, and jinhyeong’s voice shaking as he attempts to calm himself. it’s not fair, he thinks to himself. it’s not fair, not fair, not fair, he repeats to himself over and over again when yunhyeong and jinhyeong are eliminated.
they’re all in tears by the time the match has ended. jinhwan’s eyes are horribly red, and junhwe is still squatting down as he wipes his tears. chanwoo’s breath is lodged in his throat and it hurts to breathe, it hurts to stand here as yunhyeong and jinhyeong are eliminated. he’s worked hard, strived for his dream throughout the entire program because it’s all he’s ever known, yet winning hurts a million times more than he anticipated.
jinhyeong wipes his tears subtly under the dim, yellow lights, as he watches yunhyeong walk outside of the building, standing there and shake. chanwoo’s eyes begin to fill and his vision begins to blur and every breath he takes burns. bobby brings him into his arms, and chanwoo can feel his facade crumbling as he dabs at the corners of his eyes furiously. he swats bobby’s hands off to the side, and tries to stop but the tears continue to flow instead. he breathes in, and his entire chest is being squeezed, and when he exhales his eyes sting even more and it’s all he can do to try not to cry. chanwoo watches hanbin and jinhwan walk up to yunhyeong and junhwe, watches donghyuk run over to hug them as his tears fall freely. it feels so wrong to even cry right now, as the rest of the members are hugging each other and crying, hanbin subtly wiping his tears with his wrists as he walks away.
his heart pounds against his chest and chanwoo is standing there, watching the rest of them fall apart as they attempt to comfort junhwe and yunhyeong. cruel, his mind tells him once his tears have subsided somewhat, and he’s left feeling exhausted and sapped of all his energy.
at the dorms, everyone is quiet and chanwoo can still see the red in some of their eyes, all of their eyes. hanbin’s eyebags are prominent more than ever, and he trudges his way back into his room. jinhwan’s face is puffy and his eyes are bloodshot, and he sniffs as he tells them goodnight, eyes downcast as his voice cracks. yunhyeong is the only one to jump in the shower as soon as the door opens, a tear stains still left on his cheeks and he smiles (terribly terribly forced and yunhyeong is no where close to happy right now) before the sound of water comes on to drown out any noise.
chanwoo kicks off his shoes and almost doesn’t bring himself to change into his pajamas. he lies in his bed as he looks up at the ceiling, dark and black and this time it’s not the stage he’s dreamed of. his chest hurts and he feels so weary as he blinks, vision blurring as the air around him stings his retinas. chanwoo rolls over to his side, pulls the covers over his head, and eventually falls asleep to jinhyeong’s erratic breathing.
during the fanmeet in japan, china, and korea chanwoo feels more at ease than he has the entire program. it’s fun, going to different places and for now he can sort of pretend that there isn’t a possibility that he might be eliminated, or the others won’t as well. he pretends that they’re ikon, that they’re a nine member band, not a supposed seven member band.
they’re relaxed and happy whenever they go out, and its exciting going to the amusement park and playing pranks on the other members. there’s no deadline to meet within the week, no grueling hours of practice as he lies on his bed in the hotel room of osaka, scrolling through the web on his phone. he smiles more freely now, less forced, and his laughter feels more genuine even as its filmed on camera.
yet, the tensions now are higher than ever. hongseok and jinhyeong radiate such nervousness, both their faces etched in worry an hour before the fanmeet starts. chanwoo knows the overwhelming importance of meeting the fans, hanbin even pulls them all aside to tell them it’d be one of the last opportunities to help boost their chances to make it into ikon.
he’s overwhelmed each time he sees them, and the fans serve as a reminder for the cruel program he participates them. chanwoo wants to get it, wants to achieve his dreams, wants to make it onto the big stage with the intense light as he sings, yet after the second preliminary match he’s no longer sure of his place among the band.
the concert comes soon afterwards, and they’re all thrown into long hours of practice once more. it comes quickly, and chanwoo is overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people at their concert, it makes his pulse race before he goes out on stage. his stomach is knotting on the inside, and it’s getting more difficult to breathe the closer the concert gets to starting. yunhyeong rubs his back while they’re waiting in between for the other members to get ready. chanwoo leans over as he puts his head in his hands, and he’s struggling to breath as the minutes tick by.
post-concert they spend their last night together, as nine, at the dorms. it’s unsettling, to say the least, that some of them might not be in ikon anymore. his heart has finally calmed down, from the concert, but not it’s squeezing and chanwoo’s chest is clenching as he can feel the pinpricks of tears starting to form. he blinks them away as quickly as possible, before the cameras in the room can catch him.
the mood in the room is somber, the heavy atmosphere settling upon them all. six months ago, the finalization of ikon’s members seemed so far away, and chanwoo can’t help but feeling weary and worn out from the entire program. he’s exhausted, trying to chase his dream of debut, drained, from the constant guilt and fear of the possibility of taking another member’s sleep.
none of them fall asleep for a long time afterwards, even when they stop filming. he’s lying on one of the spare mattress in the room, and no one is speaking yet chanwoo can hear someone rustling around occasionally in the dark. when he inhales sorrow with each breath, and exhales melancholy and anguish as he attempts to go to sleep.
when they leave the next morning, it’s bittersweet. he starts packing up his belongings, and the dorm slowly becomes more and more empty until there is no other sign that four other trainees lived here with bobby, jinhwan, and hanbin. he walks to the van with an unsettling feeling in his heart, and chanwoo’s body feels heavy but empty at the same time as he hugs the other members for what is possibly the very last time. jinhwan’s eyes look slightly red as he hugs him goodbye, and its amazing that no one has burst out into tears yet.
on the car he stares out of the window, watching the dorm fade until it’s smaller and smaller, and the tears begin to form at corners of his eyes. he’s glad no one else is here with him, not yunhyeong with his reassurance and jinhyeong with his small, hesitant smiles. not bobby with his open embraces and chanwoo manages to fight off the urge to cry until it’s squashed into a speck of dust.
his mother welcomes his home with a warm bowl of noodles and soup and an even warmer smile. chanwoo heads up to his room immediately, and he almost feels like a stranger within his own house after six months.
he stretches out on his bed later that night, looking up at the ceiling and imagining it to be his stage. the soft yellow lights filter underneath the crack of his door. the stage is no longer the same one he first dreamed of as a child, or as a teenager sixteen months ago. it looks so terribly similar and identical to his old stage, but it feels different and strange and chanwoo can’t identify what the change is.
for the next week, chanwoo does nothing but stay cooped up inside of the house. he doesn’t go outside to see his old friends, friends he hasn’t seen in over six months. he spends most of his time reading books, and goes online the very first time on tuesday night to see the first results before shutting down his computer immediately.
on wednesday night, he spins in his chair as he turns on his computer, searching the results for results. when he sees his picture underneath the text, he tenses up immediately. chanwoo’s phone pings quietly on the corner of his bed. he receives one, two, three, eight all within the five minutes and chanwoo sits there motionless. there’s something lodged within his throat and he can feel himself turning colder as he sits there, staring at the computer screen.
twenty minutes later his mom comes into the room, with a huge smile on her face as she congratulates him. he nods robotically, as she ruffles his hair before leaving his room, promising to prepare a small celebration for his success. chanwoo can hear his mother calling all her friends, yet it doesn’t quite process within his mind. he shuts down his computer, then walks over to turn off his phone without opening his texts, before crawling into bed. chanwoo’s entire body is rigid and stiff, his heart threatening to jump out of his throat.
when chanwoo goes back to the dorm, suitcase in tow, he arrives with a hollow feeling. the familiarity of the rooms are nice, but with seven people it feels strangely empty with a lack of noise. bobby tries to make up for that, making jokes at every opportunity and clapping his hands a bit too loudly each time. it’s less crowded, he doesn’t run into anyone while walking through the halls, and he unpacks his clothes quietly, room without a familiar presence.
donghyuk is the first one to burst into tears, crying as they sit down for dinner at the table. no one has said anything yet, before anyone can begin to eat tears are falling from donghyuk’s eyes. jinhwan begins to tear up after that, sniffling as his eyes slowly go from dry to watery as he dabs at them. he looks at all of them, and watches donghyuk cry before letting his tears fall freely.
bobby walks over to hug donghyuk, and hanbin lowers his head to wipe his tears with his wrists. junhwe’s eyes begin to turn red as well, and so does yunhyeong until they’re all crying. bobby and jinhwan are both around donghyuk, as he coughs and blows his nose temporarily before starting once more. chanwoo can’t help but cry as well, and he sits there by himself as he tries not to let the others see.
“i thought we were going to get broken up,” donghyuk tells them as he begins to sob even harder. jinhwan’s face is buried into junhwe’s shoulder, as hanbin rubs his back. “i thought we might not be a family anymore.”
“we’re all together,” bobby tells him as he tightens his arms around donghyuk’s body. “don’t worry anymore, donghyuk, it’s alright.”
“we made it,” junhwe gasps as donghyuk blows into a tissue, his own face streaked with tears. jinhwan begins cry harder as well, and hanbin can’t hide his tears anymore as he reaches for a tissue.
chanwoo sits there, seized by sadness as his tears roll freely down his cheeks. he wipes them away furiously, puts his down into his knees and begins to rock back and forth. his heart is no longer just jumping up into his throat, but clenching and twisting in all sorts of ways as well.
“it’s alright,” yunhyeong reassures him as he lifts chanwoo’s face up from his knees and encircles him with his arms as well. “you made it chanwoo,” and chanwoo looks up at yunhyeong to see him smiling with a tear-streaked face. “what are you crying about?” he jokes with puffy red eyes and chanwoo should ask him the same thing, “you did it chanwoo, you did it.”
he looks down at his hands, as his head sways back and forth with yunhyeong’s arms around him, and thinks back to jinhyeong and hongseok. chanwoo turns around to bury his face into yunhyeong’s chest, sobs finally joining the rest, as he wonders if he’s truly achieved what he initially intended.
fandom: ikon
pairing: none, character study
word count: 5,759
don't leave me alone with this uncertainty
when chanwoo is eight he’s featured in the tvxq balloons music video and he watches in awe as they perform and sing. the bright lights shine on their faces as they dance and mouth along to the lyrics of the songs. he’s enraptured by the way they act and thinks that this is something he would like to do as well.
two years later, he’s in his first drama as the younger version of prince yangnyung. he receives more roles after that, and it becomes something that he’s used to, casually slipping on another mask when the camera is watching. he loves it, the way he can pretend to be another person with a different story and not just plain jung chanwoo.
somewhere in the middle, he goes to his first concert, a big bang concert and is struck by their stunning performance. he’s still thrumming with post-adrenaline up until a week after the concert, completely enthralled by their performance. there was something alluring about the way big bang sung on stage with the lights shining upon their faces, and the pure power in they delivered within their dances. he gazes up at the stage with wide eyes and a gaping mouth, heart clenching, as he stands there in awe, palms turning sweaty as he grips the seat in front of him.
his mother is nice enough to indulge him in his dreams, and allows him to veer slightly off-course from his acting career. he still loves acting, but he his passion for singing is reignited once more. there’s something that makes him gravitate towards the stage, and whenever he picks up a microphone and sings its sends a pleasant sensation from the center of his chest to the tips of his toes.
in 2013, chanwoo joins yg. he’s throbbing with energy as passes the audition, and although he’s far off from his dream of singing and standing on the stage he already feels one step closer to making that come true. when practice starts, it’s grueling and tiring and he feels a new soreness in his muscles every night when he goes back home.
some nights his voice becomes scratchy and hoarse and he’s unable to speak for the next few days. he loves to practice though, he loves to sing and dance and every day he feels one step closer to performing on a stage. at night, he dreams of debuting.
the darkness of his room is the blackness of the stage, the light creeping under the crack of his door is the sometimes the lightsticks of the fans, other times it’s the light which illuminate his face. the knickknacks he keeps on his drawer are his bandmates. whenever he imagines performing on stage, it’s with several others, their figures always taking center stage, directly underneath the lights, yet every time they turn around to look at him, their faces are obscured by the darkness of his room.
chanwoo receives possibly the best news a trainee of his status can two months into his practice. he’s taken out of the practice room, with another trainee named jinhyeong, and is told that they’d be participating in the new survival program. the two of them glance at each other and chanwoo can feel his heart racing as they walk back into the practice room, with the other trainees looking on curiously with wide eyes. he’s ecstatic and tells his mother the news as soon as he gets home, and she looks at him with warm eyes before heading into the kitchen to make his favorite meal.
the next day he walks out of the car with jinhyeong, and he can already feel the camera trained on them. the two of them glance at each other, and chanwoo smiles at him as he can feel his heart pounding inside of his chest. he’s never felt this nervous for something before, and he’s more conscious than ever of the camera during his short interview.
he acts the way he knows the cameras want him to, smiles when he’s supposed to, and answers the questions with relative ease. jinhyeong gives looks at him with red, bleary eyes, and chanwoo can tell that he wasn’t the only one who couldn’t sleep last night. jinhyeong smile is tentative and slow as he reaches for the door, before he opens it.
the atmosphere in the room is the worst chanwoo has ever experienced. he’s faced with six others, all older than him, and he can see the hardest grimaces in their faces and the steely eyes of one who immediately adverts his eyes as soon as chanwoo and jinhyeong walk through the door. it’s extremely tense, and the questions that are thrown at the two of them don’t help either.
as soon as they’re all left alone (not entirely alone, chanwoo doesn’t think they’ll ever truly be left alone again) the tension in the room spikes up immediately. him and jinhyeong sit down opposite to the other six, and chanwoo continually glances down at the floor as he picks at his pants. he hasn’t felt this awkward in years, and his heart keeps on hammering against his ribcage. there’s sweat pooling underneath his armpits and at the back of his neck yet he smiles (it’s not smooth and natural, he feels like he’s pulling his lips too far back and his cheeks ache) the entire time.
there’s a part of him that feels terrible, because he’s seen the six other boys on television before, and the way their entire bodies have shifted into defense mode hurts, especially how the entirety of last year watching them was what kept him motivated to actively pursue his dream of standing on the stage. chanwoo never asked to take someone else’s place, he only wanted his own and he’s always known that the idol industry was cruel but never could he have imagined it would force him to do something like this.
they do make an effort to include him and jinhyeong, bobby smiles at the two of them and but its forced as he clasps their hands and crinkles his eyes into crescents. donghyuk and yunhyeong send them glances from time to time in the practice rooms, sorry enough to emphasize with their feeling of exclusion but still unsure whether or not they should reach out to them.
naturally, he’s taken by surprise when hanbin asks of his opinion for the first monthly evaluation. “chanwoo, what are your thoughts on this?” he questions as he wheels around from the computer to face him.
chanwoo tenses up, caught unaware, and he stutters when he says, “i like the song,” before nodding vehemently to reaffirm shaky statement. hanbin turns back around and nods to himself, before pulling up the youtube video for them all to watch.
during dance practice, chanwoo feels more like an outsider than ever. him and jinhyeong are in the back at first, attempting to follow along to hanbin’s rapid movements in the front. it’s difficult and his limbs feel out of place as he tries to imitate the rest of the team. now, more than ever do they stand out. they clearly don’t belong, not with the way the other six naturally fit together and their movements all compliment each other. it’s unsurprising to say the least when him and jinhyeong are the only ones left in the practice room, hanbin keeping an eye trained on their every movement in addition to the several cameras that film rigorously.
bobby and donghyuk come back in to watch the two of them, worry etched onto their faces and chanwoo feels as though he’s done nothing but bring grief to the entire team. the two of them smile from the corner of the room, and reach up to clap them on the backs and chanwoo plops down onto the hardwood floor to wipe the sweat off his face.
jinhyeong sits down next to him and exhales loudly, the two of them are sweaty and gross and chanwoo clenches and unclenches his fists as he watched his palm turn back and forth between a pale fleshy color. his breathing is quick, and he’s not entirely sure if it’s just from the dance practice or not. donghyuk is the first to leave, he smiles hesitantly at them before walking out the door, and hanbin right after as he pulls at his hair, muttering quietly to himself. bobby lingers behind, and despite his kind voice and warm grin chanwoo still feels as though his very presence was a disturbance to the team.
hanbin is frustrated, chanwoo can tell and he grits his teeth as he watches their dance practice while leaning against the mirror. every day he looks more tired than the last, and dark eye bags are a permanent fixture to all their faces but his are twice as bad as everyone else’s. chanwoo stands there, unmoving, as he and jinhyeong get critiqued by hanbin for the group dance. during he can feel junhwe’s eyes boring into him, and the cold shoulder he gets while donghyuk looks at them before his eyes dart awkwardly to the ground.
the closer they get to the monthly evaluation the harsher hanbin gets, never yelling at them directly, but his face is ice-cold as he tells them their mistakes. junhwe gets slightly more bristly as well, especially when they aren’t in the large group and jinhwan isn’t there to touch his shoulder, quietly murmuring words to his ear before his tensed-up shoulders relax. chanwoo feels sick to the pit of the stomach when he thinks of the possibility of not being able to make it, but he feels even worse when he sees the rest of the team, looking dejected as they stare at the ground.
“don’t worry too much,” yunhyeong tells him after a particular hard session of the group dance. chanwoo wipes the sweat off his face and yunhyeong rubs his back. “you’ll be fine,” he says as he smiles up at him. how can you even say that? chanwoo wants to scream at him, especially to me?
at night they go back to the dorms with the rest of the team, often in silence and chanwoo’s head is always partially drooping even on the short walk to the car. it’s tiring, practicing until two in the morning but he has a dream to achieve and this is the only way, he supposes. when they reach the dorms, he and jinhyeong immediately collapse into their beds, almost too tired to even change their clothes, chanwoo nearly sleeping in the shower while the water was still on.
some nights he can’t sleep though. those are the nights when he stares at the walls, not like the ones back home but similar enough. chanwoo looks up at the walls and imagines the city lights coming from the door behind him to be the stage lights shining down upon him. these lights feel different though, and being on this stage somehow feels more wrong. he feels like he doesn’t belong on this new stage, and at that point chanwoo pulls the blanket over his head and faces the wall.
tonight he supposes it’s one of them. it’s the day before their first monthly evaluation together, and chanwoo looks up at the ceiling with his covers pulled up to his chin. he stares listlessly at the walls and his heart is thumping loudly. he closes his eyes and tries to sleep, but ends up tossing and turning too much. instead, he decides to go to the kitchen.
he gets up quietly from his bed, and the cold night air hits him. chanwoo makes sure to be extra quiet as he closes the as to not bother yunhyeong. he pads quietly past the living room, going into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator to look at the food.
“can’t sleep?” someone whispers from behind him and chanwoo nearly yelps. it’s jinhyeong, with his hair stuck up in all sorts of different places as he rubs his eyes blearily. he sits down at the small table in the corner of the room as he yawns and stretches.
“i’m too nervous,” chanwoo confesses as he takes out the milk to pour himself a glass. he sits down across from jinhyeong and the back of his head is nagging him to go to sleep but his blood is rushing throughout his entire body. he takes a sip of his milk and jinhyeong looks at him, he’s smiling but his eyes are turning watery. “hyung, don’t cry,” he whispers as tears begin to fall from jinhyeong’s face.
“what if i don’t make it? what if i lose the best opportunity that i’ve gotten?” jinhyeong wipes underneath his eyes and smiles at chanwoo.
chanwoo smiles at jinhyeong hesitantly, “with your singing capabilities how could you not make it?” he asks as he punches his shoulder lightly. “you’ll make it, we’ll make it together,” chanwoo reassures him as he walks over to hug jinhyeong. what he doesn’t say is the immense guilt he would feel that if the two of them did make they would have to replace someone else.
when he pads back into his room, he settles into bed with an extremely heavy chest as he pulls his covers over his head once more.
they receive news of the new trainee right after their monthly evaluation and chanwoo’s back turns rigid as he looks at the ground once more. when all the judges have left them in the room his mind continues to race as he sits down next to jinhyeong and looks at the ground solemnly. he plays with the seams of his pants, and none of them are looking at one another.
it’s donghyuk who cries first, and he rubs at the corner of his eyes as he tries not to burst into tears. he blinks them back and sniffs and chanwoo isn’t sure how to react, so he hangs his head instead. bobby walk over to bring donghyuk closer to him, and embraces him as he tells him not to worry. chanwoo’s heart feels empty, as he looks down at the floor and watches as donghyuk’s tears continue to fall.
at this point, chanwoo isn’t sure anymore. the entire car ride back to the dorm he feels sick to his core. donghyuk is sitting next to him, with his hat covering his face as his entire body shakes. chanwoo reaches out a hand, but then pulls it back as donghyuk reaches up to wipe another tear and his body shudders once more. he can feel junhwe simmering as he continues to rub at his face, and his anger at chanwoo and jinhyeong and the new trainee, but mostly himself. junhwe sighs occasionally, as the takes off his hat to comb a hand through his and chanwoo can feel him glowering from here.
hanbin is stoic, compared to junhwe’s rage and donghyuk’s melancholy. he stares at the seat in front of him the entire time, not making a sound, and he hardly looks at anyone as they get off the car. donghyuk goes into the bathroom, dropping the hat onto the couch as he wipes at his eyes once more. jinhwan’s eyes are watery as well, yunhyeong slips into the bathroom a moment after. junhwe nearly stomps into his room, shoulders tense, as he tries his best not to slam the door after him.
jinhwan’s eyes look somewhat watery and red, not nearly as red as donghyuk’s, and he looks at hanbin and bobby before going into junhwe’s room. chanwoo can hear him quietly murmuring and someone he still feels junhwe’s frustrations radiating through several dry walls. hanbin gets up after awhile, and his face is extremely grim going into his room as well. bobby looks down at the ground, he leans over to punch chanwoo and jinhyeong’s arms.
“don’t worry too much,” he tells them as he smiles, and chanwoo’s mind is swirling. “you guys did extremely well for your first monthly evaluations, the new trainee will have nothing on you two.”
the two of them are left sitting there, alone, in the empty living room and chanwoo doesn’t know if it’s worth it to take someone else’s place, someone who deserves it more than he does. certainly not even close to donghyuk, yunhyeong, and junhwe, who have been in the team for two years and have gone through too much. and not like jinhyeong does, a million times sweeter than him with a voice infinitely better than his. chanwoo doesn’t think that he should get a spot more than the new trainee does, all he wanted was to achieve his dream and not trample all over someone else’s.
before they head out to the practice room the next morning, chanwoo catches donghyuk leaving the bathroom and embraces him, burying his face into his shoulder. he feels warm tears falling on his shoulder once more, and donghyuk lets out a small sob before heading back into the bathroom.
yunhyeong looks immensely tired as well, yet he smiles tiredly at chanwoo as he ruffles his hair, before going into the bathroom. jinhyeong looks tense and worried as well, fiddling with his fingers in the practice room as they await the new trainee.
when hongseok arrives, chanwoo feels as if they’re thrown into chaos. he thinks that this is what the rest of them must have felt like, uncomfortable and hesitant to accept the new trainee. chanwoo can see the lines etching themselves into jinhyeong’s forehead, when he first hears hongseok sings. chanwoo hates this, the guilt he feels when he thinks of how much hongseok has sacrificed just to pursue his dream to become a singer. he doesn’t want to compete in this cruel game, yet he has no other option but to.
he falls sick before the second preliminary match, and it was about time before he got physically ill as well. chanwoo feels faint and drained of his energy, and his insides are churning against each other. his head is pounding against his skull, and he fans himself with his cap as he continues to perspire. the edges of his vision are blurring together, and junhwe keeps on sending him concerned looks throughout practice.
chanwoo dodges bobby’s hand when he tries to feel his forehead, and wonders why his usually good skill of keeping up a facade has failed him this time. “i’m alright,” he lies to the rest of the group yet bobby insists on bringing him to the hospital anyway. chanwoo attempts to resist, but he finds that he no longer has the strength to fight back.
what he doesn’t tell bobby and junhwe is that he doesn’t think he deserves to go to the hospital and rest, not when the rest of them are working so hard and chanwoo is still a new trainee. he doesn’t want to bring down the team, because this match is the last one before the real deal, and he feels too tired from the late nights he’s spent in the practice room until the sun has started rising, to the guilt he feels whenever he thinks of ikon’s future.
back at the dorm, when he’s lying in his bed he hears the door creak open slightly. it’s yunhyeong, and chanwoo opens his eyes to blink at them sleepily. “you okay?” yunhyeong asks as he walks over to sit down on chanwoo’s bed.
“i’m fine,” he croaks and his entire body feels fiery hot. he manages to make out yunhyeong’s frown as he brushes away his sweaty bangs. “don’t worry about me hyung, you should go get some sleep.”
“don’t overwork yourself too much,” yunhyeong berates him as he continues to run his hand through chanwoo’s hair. “you’re only sixteen, chanwoo.”
“like you’re the one to talk,” chanwoo laughs and he ends up coughing, so he stops. his eyelids are dropping at this point, his entire body feels sore, and yunhyeong smacks his head lightly, before leaving.
jinhyeong fusses over him the next morning when they wake up, and his usually sweet face is carved into worry. (“you’re going to make it, right?” jinhyeong whispers to him in the few seconds when everyone is too busy to pay attention, with wide eyes). chanwoo brushes off bobby and junhwe during practice, reassuring the two of them that he was okay despite being extremely fatigued the other day. when the music starts he goes back to practice with a heavy heart in the pit of his stomach, his resolve slowly being peeled off piece by piece.
the day he gets chosen for the second match is probably the worst one yet. all of them are standing there, on the stage and chanwoo’s heart is beating at the rate of one, two, three, twenty-seven, forty-one. his head feels faint, and its as though he isn’t actually here, standing on this stage.
everyone is taken aback when tablo announces that junhwe doesn’t make it and he’s up for elimination. donghyuk’s head whips towards them, face the perfect picture of shock with his lips even in the tiniest “o.” jinhwan’s team all turn towards them simultaneously and slowly, and chanwoo can see junhwe shifting his jaw into a hard-set position as he rubs his face. junhwe’s eyes are practically steel, they’re cold and black and have the tiniest bit of shine as he walks forth with yunhyeong and jinhyeong to compete one last time.
chanwoo holds his breath the entire time, he can hardly look yet his eyes are drawn to the three of them. they talked about this backstage, bobby, junhwe, and him, yet with junhwe eliminated and chanwoo safe its too real and all too cruel. his whole body is tense as he clenches his fists, watching as yunhyeong is so nervous to the point where he forgets his lines, and jinhyeong’s voice shaking as he attempts to calm himself. it’s not fair, he thinks to himself. it’s not fair, not fair, not fair, he repeats to himself over and over again when yunhyeong and jinhyeong are eliminated.
they’re all in tears by the time the match has ended. jinhwan’s eyes are horribly red, and junhwe is still squatting down as he wipes his tears. chanwoo’s breath is lodged in his throat and it hurts to breathe, it hurts to stand here as yunhyeong and jinhyeong are eliminated. he’s worked hard, strived for his dream throughout the entire program because it’s all he’s ever known, yet winning hurts a million times more than he anticipated.
jinhyeong wipes his tears subtly under the dim, yellow lights, as he watches yunhyeong walk outside of the building, standing there and shake. chanwoo’s eyes begin to fill and his vision begins to blur and every breath he takes burns. bobby brings him into his arms, and chanwoo can feel his facade crumbling as he dabs at the corners of his eyes furiously. he swats bobby’s hands off to the side, and tries to stop but the tears continue to flow instead. he breathes in, and his entire chest is being squeezed, and when he exhales his eyes sting even more and it’s all he can do to try not to cry. chanwoo watches hanbin and jinhwan walk up to yunhyeong and junhwe, watches donghyuk run over to hug them as his tears fall freely. it feels so wrong to even cry right now, as the rest of the members are hugging each other and crying, hanbin subtly wiping his tears with his wrists as he walks away.
his heart pounds against his chest and chanwoo is standing there, watching the rest of them fall apart as they attempt to comfort junhwe and yunhyeong. cruel, his mind tells him once his tears have subsided somewhat, and he’s left feeling exhausted and sapped of all his energy.
at the dorms, everyone is quiet and chanwoo can still see the red in some of their eyes, all of their eyes. hanbin’s eyebags are prominent more than ever, and he trudges his way back into his room. jinhwan’s face is puffy and his eyes are bloodshot, and he sniffs as he tells them goodnight, eyes downcast as his voice cracks. yunhyeong is the only one to jump in the shower as soon as the door opens, a tear stains still left on his cheeks and he smiles (terribly terribly forced and yunhyeong is no where close to happy right now) before the sound of water comes on to drown out any noise.
chanwoo kicks off his shoes and almost doesn’t bring himself to change into his pajamas. he lies in his bed as he looks up at the ceiling, dark and black and this time it’s not the stage he’s dreamed of. his chest hurts and he feels so weary as he blinks, vision blurring as the air around him stings his retinas. chanwoo rolls over to his side, pulls the covers over his head, and eventually falls asleep to jinhyeong’s erratic breathing.
during the fanmeet in japan, china, and korea chanwoo feels more at ease than he has the entire program. it’s fun, going to different places and for now he can sort of pretend that there isn’t a possibility that he might be eliminated, or the others won’t as well. he pretends that they’re ikon, that they’re a nine member band, not a supposed seven member band.
they’re relaxed and happy whenever they go out, and its exciting going to the amusement park and playing pranks on the other members. there’s no deadline to meet within the week, no grueling hours of practice as he lies on his bed in the hotel room of osaka, scrolling through the web on his phone. he smiles more freely now, less forced, and his laughter feels more genuine even as its filmed on camera.
yet, the tensions now are higher than ever. hongseok and jinhyeong radiate such nervousness, both their faces etched in worry an hour before the fanmeet starts. chanwoo knows the overwhelming importance of meeting the fans, hanbin even pulls them all aside to tell them it’d be one of the last opportunities to help boost their chances to make it into ikon.
he’s overwhelmed each time he sees them, and the fans serve as a reminder for the cruel program he participates them. chanwoo wants to get it, wants to achieve his dreams, wants to make it onto the big stage with the intense light as he sings, yet after the second preliminary match he’s no longer sure of his place among the band.
the concert comes soon afterwards, and they’re all thrown into long hours of practice once more. it comes quickly, and chanwoo is overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people at their concert, it makes his pulse race before he goes out on stage. his stomach is knotting on the inside, and it’s getting more difficult to breathe the closer the concert gets to starting. yunhyeong rubs his back while they’re waiting in between for the other members to get ready. chanwoo leans over as he puts his head in his hands, and he’s struggling to breath as the minutes tick by.
post-concert they spend their last night together, as nine, at the dorms. it’s unsettling, to say the least, that some of them might not be in ikon anymore. his heart has finally calmed down, from the concert, but not it’s squeezing and chanwoo’s chest is clenching as he can feel the pinpricks of tears starting to form. he blinks them away as quickly as possible, before the cameras in the room can catch him.
the mood in the room is somber, the heavy atmosphere settling upon them all. six months ago, the finalization of ikon’s members seemed so far away, and chanwoo can’t help but feeling weary and worn out from the entire program. he’s exhausted, trying to chase his dream of debut, drained, from the constant guilt and fear of the possibility of taking another member’s sleep.
none of them fall asleep for a long time afterwards, even when they stop filming. he’s lying on one of the spare mattress in the room, and no one is speaking yet chanwoo can hear someone rustling around occasionally in the dark. when he inhales sorrow with each breath, and exhales melancholy and anguish as he attempts to go to sleep.
when they leave the next morning, it’s bittersweet. he starts packing up his belongings, and the dorm slowly becomes more and more empty until there is no other sign that four other trainees lived here with bobby, jinhwan, and hanbin. he walks to the van with an unsettling feeling in his heart, and chanwoo’s body feels heavy but empty at the same time as he hugs the other members for what is possibly the very last time. jinhwan’s eyes look slightly red as he hugs him goodbye, and its amazing that no one has burst out into tears yet.
on the car he stares out of the window, watching the dorm fade until it’s smaller and smaller, and the tears begin to form at corners of his eyes. he’s glad no one else is here with him, not yunhyeong with his reassurance and jinhyeong with his small, hesitant smiles. not bobby with his open embraces and chanwoo manages to fight off the urge to cry until it’s squashed into a speck of dust.
his mother welcomes his home with a warm bowl of noodles and soup and an even warmer smile. chanwoo heads up to his room immediately, and he almost feels like a stranger within his own house after six months.
he stretches out on his bed later that night, looking up at the ceiling and imagining it to be his stage. the soft yellow lights filter underneath the crack of his door. the stage is no longer the same one he first dreamed of as a child, or as a teenager sixteen months ago. it looks so terribly similar and identical to his old stage, but it feels different and strange and chanwoo can’t identify what the change is.
for the next week, chanwoo does nothing but stay cooped up inside of the house. he doesn’t go outside to see his old friends, friends he hasn’t seen in over six months. he spends most of his time reading books, and goes online the very first time on tuesday night to see the first results before shutting down his computer immediately.
on wednesday night, he spins in his chair as he turns on his computer, searching the results for results. when he sees his picture underneath the text, he tenses up immediately. chanwoo’s phone pings quietly on the corner of his bed. he receives one, two, three, eight all within the five minutes and chanwoo sits there motionless. there’s something lodged within his throat and he can feel himself turning colder as he sits there, staring at the computer screen.
twenty minutes later his mom comes into the room, with a huge smile on her face as she congratulates him. he nods robotically, as she ruffles his hair before leaving his room, promising to prepare a small celebration for his success. chanwoo can hear his mother calling all her friends, yet it doesn’t quite process within his mind. he shuts down his computer, then walks over to turn off his phone without opening his texts, before crawling into bed. chanwoo’s entire body is rigid and stiff, his heart threatening to jump out of his throat.
when chanwoo goes back to the dorm, suitcase in tow, he arrives with a hollow feeling. the familiarity of the rooms are nice, but with seven people it feels strangely empty with a lack of noise. bobby tries to make up for that, making jokes at every opportunity and clapping his hands a bit too loudly each time. it’s less crowded, he doesn’t run into anyone while walking through the halls, and he unpacks his clothes quietly, room without a familiar presence.
donghyuk is the first one to burst into tears, crying as they sit down for dinner at the table. no one has said anything yet, before anyone can begin to eat tears are falling from donghyuk’s eyes. jinhwan begins to tear up after that, sniffling as his eyes slowly go from dry to watery as he dabs at them. he looks at all of them, and watches donghyuk cry before letting his tears fall freely.
bobby walks over to hug donghyuk, and hanbin lowers his head to wipe his tears with his wrists. junhwe’s eyes begin to turn red as well, and so does yunhyeong until they’re all crying. bobby and jinhwan are both around donghyuk, as he coughs and blows his nose temporarily before starting once more. chanwoo can’t help but cry as well, and he sits there by himself as he tries not to let the others see.
“i thought we were going to get broken up,” donghyuk tells them as he begins to sob even harder. jinhwan’s face is buried into junhwe’s shoulder, as hanbin rubs his back. “i thought we might not be a family anymore.”
“we’re all together,” bobby tells him as he tightens his arms around donghyuk’s body. “don’t worry anymore, donghyuk, it’s alright.”
“we made it,” junhwe gasps as donghyuk blows into a tissue, his own face streaked with tears. jinhwan begins cry harder as well, and hanbin can’t hide his tears anymore as he reaches for a tissue.
chanwoo sits there, seized by sadness as his tears roll freely down his cheeks. he wipes them away furiously, puts his down into his knees and begins to rock back and forth. his heart is no longer just jumping up into his throat, but clenching and twisting in all sorts of ways as well.
“it’s alright,” yunhyeong reassures him as he lifts chanwoo’s face up from his knees and encircles him with his arms as well. “you made it chanwoo,” and chanwoo looks up at yunhyeong to see him smiling with a tear-streaked face. “what are you crying about?” he jokes with puffy red eyes and chanwoo should ask him the same thing, “you did it chanwoo, you did it.”
he looks down at his hands, as his head sways back and forth with yunhyeong’s arms around him, and thinks back to jinhyeong and hongseok. chanwoo turns around to bury his face into yunhyeong’s chest, sobs finally joining the rest, as he wonders if he’s truly achieved what he initially intended.