[no mercy: seokwon/yoonho] might not be on top of the world

[idyleski]

title: might not be on top of the world
fandom: no mercy
pairing: seokwon/yoonho
word count: 6,497
a/n: clearly i still haven't quite gotten over yoonho's (seokwon's, gunhee's, and kwangji's) elimination.



might not be on top of the world

start

when yoonho first receives his rank, number five, his ears perk up and he bounds over to where the other four are. he’s not too entirely sure what to think, about this survival show and about this new ranking system. it feels a bit too surreal, the fact that for the first in three, four years, debut seems close once more.

fiddling with the edge of his shirt, yoonho leans against the wall as he carefully observing the rest of the trainees as their ranks are announced. his heart is hammering, more so than the five minutes before they had to perform, and the roaring in his ears is almost deafening. seokwon locks eyes with him, eyes wide as yet another name is announced and it’s not his.

he almost misses seokwon’s name (eleventh, only one away from last) when it’s announced because of the blood pounding in his ears. he looks up momentarily and seokwon’s face is completely void of color, moving while sneaking his eyes up at yoonho. seokwon is pinning the nametag to his shirt as he stands eleventh in line and yoonho lets a small sigh that he hadn’t known he’d been holding.

(“what am i going to do?” seokwon repeats once the cameras are gone, and they’re both sitting on his bed. yoonho tilts his head so its resting on seokwon’s shoulder and seokwon involuntarily reaches for his hand. his hand his larger yoonho’s, but softer and less calloused than his own.

he looks up at seokwon, and here he can see the slight quiver in his lower lip. yoonho leans up to press his lips to the corner of seokwon’s mouth, rubbing his free hand over his. “you’re going to make it,” he whispers and his head is resting on his best friend’s shoulder again. “i believe in you, you’re going to make it.”

“yeah, but,” he blinks and there’s a tremor running through his entire body. seokwon doesn’t continue and instead rests his head against the wall as he looks up at the ceiling above them.

“remember?” yoonho asks and his voice comes out shakier than he’d like it to be. he tries to force the corners of his lips into a smile, but it’s much more difficult than he anticipated. “we’re going to debut together, no matter what.”

seokwon doesn’t say anything, only letting his head fall on top of his. yoonho can feel the rise and fall of his chest, unsteady as he draws in a sharp breath. he buries his face into yoonho’s hair, and yoonho pretends he can’t feel the tears while the seokwon’s grip on his hand tightens.

it’ll be alright, he thinks to himself.)

rewind

the first time debut was offered to him, yoonho was just a little over fifteen. slightly more awkward and a lot more naive, but still just as eager and passionate as he is now. at that point, he’s already seen his fair share of trainees who’ve left, quit, or even debuted before him.

he’s only a year younger than youngmin, kwangmin, and minwoo. yet when the final lineup is announced for starship’s new boy group, his name isn’t anywhere to be found. minwoo pats his back quietly, offering a melancholy smile before he leaves. yoonho is left lying in bed, counting the grooves in the wall, awaiting the inevitable new trainees that will take their places.

as he traces the cracks in the wall he tells himself it’ll be okay, that rejection is normal and people don’t usually debut when they first join a company. he tells himself that it means nothing if half of sistar have shorter trainee periods than he does, that it doesn’t matter if other idols have debuted at fifteen as well and he isn’t.

it’s only a cruel game, the way debut is offered so tantalizingly close, only to be snatched away at the last second. yet, yoonho wants nothing more than to stand on stage to sing, rap, or dance he doesn’t care as long as he’s there on stage. he turns over and pulls the covers over his body so he’s completely enveloped in the darkness as he prepares for another day of training.

fastforward

it’s more than normal for a company to go through an “every man for himself” survival motto before a band debuts, only most of the time it’s not aired and made into a television show. it sends yoonho more on edge, because he just knows that people will finally see how inadequate he is for a trainee of six years as soon as he starts performing.

he hates the cameras that follow them into the dorm, the cameras that broadcast all of this, or at least what mnet chooses to, to the entire nation. kwangji rubs reassuring circles into his lower back before he has to leave for school as he prepares his and seokwon’s lunch. (yoonho hates school, it takes too much precious time away from his training). he wishes he possessed kwangji’s serenity, his reassuring smile that he always while comforting him.

nearly everyone else is on edge, and the atmosphere in the dorms is crackling, small sparks here and there and yoonho hates this part the most. he hates the underlying tension in everything they do, the not-so-accidental way someone else will bump into him and the hard glare they give him. he wants nothing more than to pull and tear out his hair, to scream until his throat is raw.

“i’m nervous,” seokwon whispers to him one night, when yoonho has snuck into his bed. out here, just the two of them, is more privacy than any of them are allowed these days. “really nervous,” he says into the crook of yoonho’s neck.

yoonho pulls seokwon closer to him so he can rest his head more comfortably against his chest. “so am i,” he laughs except there’s nothing funny about the constant anxiety looming underneath everything he does. “you’re going to do amazing i’ve seen your performance.”

“how do you know that?” he mumbles back and yoonho breathes in as he hears the long, shaky breath. he turns around so he’s facing seokwon and despite the darkness of the room he knows that seokwon is trying not to let tears fall (something yoonho’s incredibly glad for so seokwon can’t see his either).

“because you’re an incredible singer, that number eleven means nothing. we can’t let these ranks get to us, that’s what they want to happen.” yoonho wishes he could believe half the words he says, that the red number emblazoned onto his nametag doesn’t feel like it presses and pulls him down into the floor. kwangji was always so much better at reassurance.

“yeah,” seokwon croaks. “if kihyun’s number eight then what are the rest of us?” the small laugh he lets out is bitter and so is the smile yoonho cracks. “we’ll make it together right? me, you, and kwangji? the three of us. you promise right?” he nods in response and seokwon curls around him.

he goes to sleep listening to the steady beat of seokwon’s heart, taking slow, deep breaths as he attempts to match their heartbeats.

the day of the first debut mission comes as a panic and frenzy. everyone is fluttering about, the kitchen is bustling as members go in and out, kwangji trying to make breakfast for twelve as hoseok checks if to make sure everyone has eaten. there’s a nausea sitting in the bottom of yoonho’s stomach, his legs feel weak as he makes his way over to the kitchen with seokwon’s hand in his.

kwangji offers him a smile as he slips into the chair and ruffles his hair as he slides him his breakfast. offering him a nervous glance, seokwon untangles his hand from yoonho’s to start eating, the comforting weight no longer in his palm. he’s jittery, so much so that his hand feels like mush and he can’t hold his chopsticks properly.

in the car it’s no better, his heart hasn’t begun hammering at unproportionate speeds but the apprehension sitting in the bottom of his stomach is making him weak in the knees and not in the good way like when he occasionally discovers he can’t stand hearing seokwon’s laughter, or how he’s left with legs feeling like jelly after seokwon occasionally kisses him breathless.

bouncing their hands up and down on his knee, yoonho rests his head on seokwon’s shoulder as he stares ahead at the head of the seat in front of them. he can feel the tension running through seokwon’s body, the way his entire back is tense and the grip on his hand is tight, almost painful. he lifts up his head to bump his nose against the side of seokwon’s face.

“you’re hat looks ridiculous,” seokwon remarks and yoonho draws his head back and raises an eyebrow at him.

“not as ridiculous as you do in your jacket,” he answers just as easily.

seokwon reaches over with his free hand to adjust his hat, and yoonho can feel the way his hand quivers as his fingers brush against the curve of his cheek. “what?” he scowls when yoonho still hasn’t broken eye contact with him. “it was crooked, i can’t let you go in like that, it’s embarrassing.”

they’ve arrived at the building, both of their hands have turned pale and white, and yoonho subtly disentangles their hands from one another. kwangji’s smile is slightly more strained than usual, yet he still puts an arm behind their backs warmly as usual. his heart alleviates slightly, but it’s not for long because soon they’re all rushed inside by the pds.

it’s just as chaotic as it was back in the dorms, maybe even more so. yoonho’s stomach is doing him no service by the knots it continues to make and he finds himself absently tapping his foot against the linoleum tiles as he waits for seokwon’s makeup to get finished.

he hates this part the most, the sitting in the waiting room before he goes on stage (fifth, because that’s all they are on this show, just numbers). everyone’s eyes are glued to the large screen inside of the too bright too white room they have everyone waiting in. his hands have begun sweating buckets, and out of the corner of his eye he can see jooheon taking sip after sip of his bottled water.

yoonho gives kwangji what he hopes passes for a smile before he leaves to go on stage and as soon as he’s gone he shares a nervous glance with seokwon. hoseok is busy mouthing along to his lines and it’ll only be a couple more people before he goes up.

when yoonho does go on stage (knees wobbling as moves to stand up) it’s not quite like how he expected it to be (then when is it ever?). he can’t think, can’t breathe, can’t rap. as he ends his performance the anxiety in his stomach turns into trepidation and dread for the new rankings. the lackluster comments from the judges only increases it.

“you did good,” seokwon whispers to him once yoonho’s slipped back into the room into the seat next to him. seokwon reaches for his hand and squeezes and yoonho lets out a small breath.

“you’re going to do well too,” he murmurs back and hoseok’s performance has started. “we’re going to be fine.”

except they aren’t.

yoonho comes back with a number six (a number for each year of training he can’t help but think bitterly) and seokwon has moved down to the dreaded position of twelve. the rankings have shifted completely, kihyun and yoosu making the biggest leaps (even kwangji has moved down to fifth, his old ranking).

at the dorm seokwon holds the card in his hand, the ugly black one and two next to each other and yoonho feels sick just by looking at it. he wants to snatch it up from seokwon’s hand, crack it in half and throw his number in the mix.

“it’s just a number,” he tells seokwon at night (again), once everyone has gone to sleep. the atmosphere has only turned more awkward and more stifled inside the dorm, newly formed grudges have come in tow with the new rankings. “it doesn’t mean anything.”

“do you really believe that?” seokwon blinks and yoonho swallows the lump in his throat.

“yes,” he lies and it seems to suffice because seokwon only snuggles into his covers. yoonho goes to do the same, pulling his blanket over his head and he wonders if someone repeats a lie often enough it can actually come true.

fastforward

it’s not even a full week before they’re assigned the second debut mission. yoonho breathes a small sigh of relief when he sees that he’s been paired up with kwangji whoi smiles at him reassuringly in the practice room. the tightness in his chest alleviates, just by a little bit. (seokwon makes a face when he hears “battle of the last two numbers”).

he hates this new mission even more than the last one. it doesn’t sit well in his stomach that one of them is up for possible elimination, that not only do they have to compete against jooheon and gunhee but also against each other as well.

“a part of me wishes we weren’t teamed up for this mission,” yoonho tells kwangji once everyone has split up into groups. they’re both sitting in the recording room, two tables have somehow managed to squeeze inside the tiny room and his knees bump awkwardly against kwangji’s.

kwangji leans over to ruffle his hair and yoonho scrunches up his face before smoothing his bangs back down. “it’ll be fine,” he tells him and yoonho just wants to know how he can be so sure of everything.

“i’m not as good of a rapper as you are,” he twiddles his thumbs together underneath the table and the walls of the room are closing in on him. “everyone knows that i can’t rap anywhere as well as gunhee and jooheon.”

there’s a warm hand that’s encompassing his twitching fingers and taking a deep breath yoonho looks back up. the walls are no longer closing in on him and the burning in his chest is lessened. “you’re ranking doesn’t mean anything,” kwangji tells him and this feels remarkably like déjà vu. “don’t you remember what the judges said to you?”

the problem is that yoonho remembers all too well what the judges have said. he replays it over and over again to himself during practice and his limbs feel too heavy and his throat feels too hoarse. all of it haunts him at night when everything just hurts. not trusting himself to say anything, yoonho nods in response.

“remember how they told you they liked the beginning part of your rap?” and he nods again. kwangji continues, “you just need to do the same thing again. i’ll help you, and this time we can show them how amazing you really are.”

“it’s not fair,” seokwon scowls and maybe he’d actually look more intimidating if it weren’t for his wet hair sticking up all over the place.

“not like this company has ever been fair either,” he mutters quietly to himself, only to get flicked on the back of his head by gunhee. “ow,” yoonho rubs his head.

“careful or they might air that,” gunhee jokes and he’s balancing two soda cans precariously in one hand, eyes crossed in concentration as he attempts to make sure they don’t fall. “one’s for jooheon,” he explains to them with a smile on his face.

seokwon scrunches his face once gunhee leaves and yoonho hides his laugh behind his palm and pushes on his chest with the other hand. “you’re going to catch a cold if you stand here without a towel,” kwangji tells them from behind seokwon.

he drapes the towel over seokwon’s head and begins to rub his dripping hair, scrubbing it back and forth and seokwon lets out an indignant squawk, “i’m not five!” kwangji only smiles at him as he pauses momentarily in his drying, and this time yoonho is unable to hide his laughter behind his hand. “traitor,” he hisses and resigns to crossing his arms as kwangji somehow still hasn’t stopped ruffling seokwon’s hair.

“make sure you don’t go to sleep with wet hair again,” kwangji pulls back the towel and pats seokwon’s head. his hair has now fallen down to the side of his head, looking more soft. “otherwise you’ll wake up with a headache again.” he leans over to press a quick kiss to yoonho’s forehead before walking back into his room.

“yes mom,” seokwon flops against his bed.and pats the space next to him, yoonho joining while snatching his pillow.

“don’t forget to sleep soon too,” kwangji hollers from his room five minutes later.

“we will,” the two of them chorus and seokwon reaches over to flick off the light switch.

(“it’s not that i don’t like them, you know,” he whispers to yoonho in the darkness. “i just don’t think it’s very fair.”

“i know,” yoonho tells him and if there’s anything he’s learned from last time, there’s nothing fair about debuting.)

somehow yoonho is even more nervous for the second debut mission than the first. when he wakes up, the first thing he feels is nauseous and his entire forehead is already matted in sweat. he swings his legs over the side of his bed, knees shaking as he walks down the rungs of the bunk.

at breakfast he’s still shakes and seokwon’s eyebrows are furrowed when he slips into the seat next to him. yoonho quietly reaches for his hand and brings it to his chest, there’s always been something comforting whenever seokwon’s hand is in his. seokwon doesn’t comment, only moves his seat closer to him and begins to clumsily eat with his left hand until yoonho feels bad and begins to feed him.

“we’re going to be alright,” yoonho tells seokwon as they’re getting changed. he still hasn’t let go of seokwon’s hand, not since breakfast and the inside of his palm has turned disgustingly sweaty for the entire duration.

“yeah,” seokwon repeats, “the three of us.”

at the warehouse, they’re all ushered in hurriedly once more. the cold nips at the tips of yoonho’s ears and he keeps on his jacket. throughout rehearsal he can’t stop shivering and he’s not entirely sure whether it’s from the biting cold or his nerves.

waiting in the small room behind stage yoonho bounces his knee up and down, clenching his fist on the plastic handle of the chair. kwangji places a hand on his knee and yoonho’s knee stops bouncing and he turns around to give him a strained smile. “you’re going to be alright. you were great during rehearsals.”

he waits with bated breath as seokwon goes on stage, quietly nudging his leg with his foot as he tries to convey some sense of comfort. seokwon nods with just the slightest dip of his head in acknowledgement and yoonho can see the slight tremor in his step.

there’s the five minute in between seokwon losing and him coming to the room that yoonho finds out that he can’t breathe. he spends the entirety of seokwon’s performance gripping the chair until his knuckles turn white and his chest feels as though it’s about to explode.

“why are you smiling?” yoonho asks when seokwon comes into the room, it comes out slightly more snappish than he meant it to. there’s a large lopsided grin on his face, his breath is heavier than usual and sweat is trailing down his forehead.

“i won,” seokwon tells him simply and the tightness in yoonho’s chest is gone, if only by a bit. “they accidentally pressed the wrong button. he shrugs and now his face has broken out to a full grin.

“you scared me for a moment,” he frowns and kwangji is smiling as well too. “that’s for making me so nervous,” he mutters quietly as he kicks lightly at seokwon’s shins. seokwon lets out a small laugh, and it’s nice to see some of the tension etched into his face to disappear for a bit.

when kwangji gets eliminated, yoonho feels a wave a nausea even worse than the nervousness five minutes before he went on stage. he’s shaking uncontrollably in the bathroom and the corners of his vision are turning blurry and kwangji is rubbing circles into his back.

“this isn’t fair,” he tells him and blinks back the tears threatening to spill out. “it’s not fair, you shouldn’t have been eliminated.”

nothing about the second mission was fair. from the start they pitted all four rappers up against each other, expecting them to compete easily against one another as if they weren’t already like family. yoonho hates how the judges could just eliminate kwangji so easily, with barely any regrets. he hates how calm kwangji is about it too, smiling at them all and not looking the least bit like someone who’s just lost their chance at debut.

he feels numb as he watches kwangji and yoosu pack, sitting in the middle of his room as kwangji walks up to empty his drawers. even though yoonho has seen people go in and out of the company, clothes strewn all over the floors of the dorm one day then bags packed up neatly in the corner the next, there’s something that’s completely unsurreal about this.

“it shouldn’t have been you,” he murmurs hoarsely when he, kwangji, and seokwon are all in the room alone. yoonho has terrible luck when it comes to competitions, and it’s completely ironic that this is the one time he isn’t.

the guilt that’s been gnawing at him since kwangji had gotten eliminated has crawled up into his throat. it wasn’t fair that only three rappers could go on to the next round. it wasn’t fair that kwangji was the one eliminated. it isn’t fair that yoonho is going onto the next round, when kwangji was the one who helped him and made it possible.

“promise me this,” kwangji tells the two of them and seokwon looks up glumly from where he was tracing invisible patterns into the hardwood floor. “that you two are going to try your best and debut at the end of this competition.”

“we’ll try,” yoonho responds and the hollow feeling dimly resounds inside of his chest.

kwangji snaps shut his suitcase, grabbing his coat and slinging his bag over his shoulder. seokwon tugs on his hand to pull him up and they both follow him.

once everyone else has said their farewells (and yoonho doesn’t want to think of it as a goodbye because there’s something more permanent about them) he shifts awkwardly from foot to foot in the entrance. i’m sorry, he wants to say but it doesn’t come out.

“you’re going to do just great,” kwangji whispers into his ear as he draws him into a hug. yoonho holds him tight for a moment, trying to memorize what kwangji’s comforting presence feels like. “i’m going to miss the two of you,” he pulls back and presses a kiss to the top of yoonho’s head, then goes to give seokwon one as well.

he turns around, not trusting himself to say goodbye and shuts the door quietly behind him.

that night yoonho pads out of his room and into seokwon’s bed. seokwon sits up and rubs at his face, hair sticking up to the side. he pulls back his covers and yoonho slips in gratefully, already seokwon’s arms are wrapped loosely around his waist and curls into him instinctively.

yoonho didn’t cry when kwangji left, but he does now, in the darkness and in seokwon’s arms.

between their newly assigned teams and the day of the third mission, they get shuffled off to kwill’s concert. it’s supposed to be some sort of small reward for the past two missions (but really it’s not. it’s just glaringly obvious how kwangji is missing when they walk stand next to each other. everything about the spacing feels off).

of course, it doesn’t end up being that for yoonho by extension, seokwon. they’re essentially kicked out of the concert hall and yoonho slings his arm over seokwon’s shoulder as they walk outside.

“at least we have time for ourselves now,” yoonho remarks dryly as he pulls seokwon closer to him. he shivers slightly and seokwon makes a small grimace with his face. the cameras are still filming them and why they are yoonho won’t ever know.

“what time do you think they’re going to come back?” seokwon glances behind them, body relaxing when he sees that the camera has finally been turned off and they’re no longer being followed. he shrugs off his coat and slings it over yoonho’s shoulders.

yoonho quirks an eyebrow, seokwon has always gotten colder more easily than him. “aren’t you going to get cold now?”

“i guess that means we’ll just have to share,” he says far more chirpily than someone should in the middle of a cold night. he slips under the jacket as well, hand freezing as he intertwines his fingers with yoonho’s. the jacket barely accommodates the two of them and yoonho shakes his head.

“this is ridiculous,” but he pulls seokwon in closer so they have a smaller chance of ripping his jacket. from here the soft orange glow of the street lights illuminates seokwon’s face and if yoonho pretends for a moment he can pretend that they’re the stage lights, and that the stars in the sky are fanlights (ignoring the fact that he highly doubts he’ll ever have fans).

“but you like ridiculous, don’t you?” seokwon grins at him and presses a quick kiss to his lips, before backing up as a far as his coat will allow him. his lips are cold but and freezing but yoonho finds himself smiling along.

pushing open the door to the dorms and yoonho pulls seokwon inside as well. “i don’t like ridiculous,” he miffs and the words just you go unspoken.

“well if we’re not going to be able to attend the concert we might as well have a date night,” seokwon somehow manages to shake the jacket off their shoulders without letting go of his hand.

“date night,” yoonho repeats as seokwon drags him to the kitchen, opening the top cabinet and attempting to open a ramen packet with one hand.

they haven’t had a proper date for a long time, and yoonho isn’t entirely sure if all their secret late night escapades to the nearby convenience store count. in fact, yoonho isn’t too entirely sure if anything besides their first date (a middle-school seokwon beet red the entire time as he held his hand in line to the aquarium) counts as a proper date.

“okay, date night.” he affirms, with less uncertainty in his voice. seokwon beams at that and lets go of his hand to start cooking ramyun. the ache in his chest eases, his heart feels less heavy, if only just by a small bit.

without kwangji, the dorms feel empty. yoonho ends up wandering into the kitchen late one night and it feels colder and emptier than it would before. he no longer wakes in the morning to the sound of kwangji making breakfast, now hoseok stands alone in the center of the kitchen.

the rest of the trainees have grown more quiet and somber too. he watches kihyun one night, who blinks at the empty bunk in the room expecting to see someone on top of it, only to shake his head before leaving.

lying on top of the couch doesn’t feel the same anymore. he still sits next to seokwon, shoulder and knees touching, but the empty space next to him has become too prominent that it feels unnatural. so they switch to sitting on the other couch, kihyun raising no more than an eyebrow, but kihyun won’t ever have the same comforting presence kwangji had.

at this point, yoonho should be used to the familiar ache whenever a trainee leaves. he’s seen more people leave than he can count, seen more people getting dropped as well. seokwon nudges his shoulder and yoonho shifts slightly to lie his head on top of it.

even after a few days the silence has become stifling, with no one to fill up the gaps between conversations. the dorms feel colder, less warm without kwangji to fill it up and yoonho’s heart pings sadly in agreement.

“it’ll be okay,” he whispers. to reassure himself or seokwon he’s not too sure.

fastforward (again)

“we’re on the same team this time,” seokwon remarks absently in the training room on their break.

“yeah we are,” he replies blankly as he leans back against the mirror. he immediately regrets it because the sweat on his back still hasn’t dried up yet and the feeling makes him scrunch up his nose.

“think we’ll win this time?” seokwon reaches for his hand, clammy and disgusting.

gunhee comes back in that moment, tossing them a water bottle, and yoonho presses the cool liquid to his forehead. “of course we will, you guys have me.”

“the other team has jooheon,” kihyun comments dryly, his eyes glued to his phone. hoseok makes a clicking noise in the back of his throat and kihyun looks up. “what?” hoseok shakes his head, “you have to be realistic sometimes.”

“i think we’ll win,” hoseok says cheerily. “but that’s not going to happen if you guys just keep sitting there. get up, we’re starting practice.” gunhee groans.

the day of the third mission, yoonho receives a text from kwangji. it’s a simple “good luck,” yet the imperceptible shake in yoonho’s hands stop and he finds himself smiling, showing the text to seokwon between bites as they scarf down their breakfast.

he’s buzzing with energy before their performance, quietly shaking in between seokwon and hoseok as they wait to go on stage. seokwon rests his hand on his waist and yoonho draws him closer with the hand on his shoulder. “good luck,” yoonho whispers to seokwon.

they stand like this before stage, next to one another, hearts beating erratically yet in sync with one another, and blood rushing through their veins.

when they finish and yoonho is panting, hard, but he’s smiling as well. for once there’s the feeling of contentment, albeit small, that fills up his chest.

“we killed it,” seokwon grins at him before leaning in to press a small kiss to the corner of his lips. kihyun narrows his eyes at them from the edge of the hall and yoonho can’t bring himself to care for once.

“yeah, we did,” he agrees for once.

in all honesty, he should have known better.

the moment changkyun is mentioned, yoonho finds himself shaking. his hands turn into a sickly, pale white and he ends up clenching his fists underneath the table, body frozen.

he ends up shaking throughout the entire dinner, stomach feeling queasier than it did before. unable to meet anyone’s eyes, even seokwon’s yoonho keeps his eyes trained on the edge of the table, the tall stack of bowls, just anywhere except someone else’s eyes because he knows as soon as he meets someone else’s gaze he’ll break.

his heart is hammering and the blood is rushing to his head. yoonho feels faint, even when they’ve gone back to the dorm and they’re all sitting in the living room. (the stiffness, the tension in the room only makes it even more unbearable).

you’ll be okay, he tries to tell himself. you’ll make it through this mission and you’ll be okay. except a small (a large) part of him disagrees. they don’t just add in another person halfway through only to take them out. yoonho’s played this game once, he knows it well enough to know how it works.

(but even through all of this, he knows changkyun isn’t to blame. if yoonho were half as talented as changkyun he would have agreed to this opportunity in less than a heartbeat. but that’s only a hypothetical and yoonho isn’t nearly as talented as changkyun is, he just knows. it’s frustrating, it really is, being unable to blame anyone but himself for his lack of talent).

“i’m scared,” he tells seokwon later that night, curled next to him on his bed for once. his heart is still pounding loudly against his ribcage, threatening to jump out at any moment, and his head still feels light and dizzy..

“you’re going to make it,” seokwon whispers back to him hoarsely, wrapping his arms around yoonho and bringing him closer. he presses their foreheads together and yoonho’s breath catches in his throat.

he says nothing and turns over so he’s face the wall. tracing the small crack between the bed and the wall he tries to slow down his breath to match seokwon’s. his heartbeat is steady and constant in comparison to his erratic one, and yoonho tries not to think about how everything seems like a lie these days.

he finds himself in seokwon’s waiting room the day of the next mission. the two of them are alone, and the tension in the air nearly makes yoonho nauseous. everyone has been on edge lately, and it’s a small relief to get out of the same room with gunhee, the sheer intensity he and jooheon have been radiating since changkyun was added is rather frightening.

trembling, he reaches for seokwon’s hand and brings it to his chest. his heart is hammering faster than it was before, faster than when changkyun was brought in and faster than when kwangji was eliminated. seokwon gives him a pained smile and in that split second yoonho can see how pale and tired he looks.

“you should be resting more,” he tells him as he bites his lip.

“like you’re the one to say that,” seokwon scoffs, “you stay up later than everyone else combined.”

it goes unspoken that he’s always stayed up later than everyone else, yet even with the extra practice and almost seven years of training he still hasn’t gotten any better.

“hey,” seokwon says softly as he moves closer to him. he untangles from his hand from yoonho’s and places his hands on his cheeks, kissing him softly. “you’re going to make it,” he tells him and there’s a steely sort of determination in his eyes. “we’re going to make it.”

“we’re going to make it,” yoonho repeats hollowly.

yoonho doesn’t make it.

he’s completely frozen to the spot when he hears that he’s eliminated. it’s like everything has stopped, from his heart to his breathing to the entire room.

then everything clicks.

his blood turns to ice and there’s a large roar in his ears and yoonho can’t breathe. his chest is burning, his body cold, feet planted firmly to the stage floor. he’s can feel the other trainees coming up to hug him and then he’s saying something into his microphone, not really sure of what. vaguely, the fact that seokwon is crying registers in the back of his mind but yoonho feels mechanical as he continues to speak, smile plastered onto his face.

by the time the filming is done yoonho feels incredibly weary. his entire body feels numb and hollow and he’s only going through motions, changing out of his stage clothes and zipping up his jacket. the waiting room is awkward and quiet, the other trainees keep their distance as they shrug on their jackets and keep their eyes downcast.

at the dorms it doesn’t get any better. seokwon’s face is swollen and his eyes are puffy and he’s still the same ugly crier that yoonho remembers from middle school. he sits down next to seokwon, suitcase in between them, as he starts folding up his clothes. (it feels terribly like déjà vu for some odd reason).

“i’m tired,” he whispers quietly to seokwon as he places one of his shirts in the suitcase. it’s the old tattered red one that he took from seokwon one day only to never give it back. seokwon says nothing as he reaches out and trails his fingers along the shirt.

letting out a large exhale yoonho presses the heel of his palms to his eyes. his heart is no longer skipping beats like it has ever since the survival show started. instead, it beats almost pitifully.

seokwon says nothing, instead clenching the fabric tighter. he grits his teeth and his body begins to tremor.

“don’t worry about me, i’m only eighteen you know?” it’s the same thing he’s said on stage and yoonho’s mouth is running on it’s own again. “i still have time before i’m an actual fossil,” he offers a small smile and it takes all the strength he can muster to do so.

“stop it,” seokwon hisses and when yoonho looks up tears are streaming down his face. “just please, stop pretending.” seokwon’s body continues to shake and all the weariness, the exhaustion hits yoonho like an oncoming wave. his entire body feels heavy and his chest feels hollow and numb and yoonho lays his head on seokwon’s shoulder.

“you’d think with this many years of training, i’d actually have debuted by now,” he says wryly. “but clearly i’m still not good enough for that.”

the next morning (when he’s supposed to leave but everyone, including yoonho himself, is still tiptoeing around that) yoonho is standing at the front of the door, fidgeting with the handle in his right hand.

seokwon is standing in front of him, looking at the hardwood floor like it’s the most interesting thing in the world. his eyes are still swollen and bloodshot, dark rings underneath his eyes more prominent than ever and he looks as tired as yoonho feels.

“debut for me alright?” he tells seokwon.

“we were supposed to debut together,” seokwon mumbles so quietly that yoonho almost doesn’t catch it. he looks up at yoonho, a broken sort of smile on his face. “i’ll see you soon backstage right?”

“hopefully,” he leans forward to press their lips together, releasing his grip on the handle of his suitcase to place his hand on seokwon’s shoulder. yoonho tries to convey what he can’t in words with the kiss. i’m scared, how come i still can’t debut no matter how hard i try?, i’m going to miss you, what am i supposed to do without you?

what happened to our promise?, you were always more than good enough, i don’t think i can do this without you. is what seokwon says back.

they pull back and seokwon has a watery look in his eye. please don’t go, his eyes plead.

yoonho lingers on the doorstep before shutting the door to the dorm for the very last time. even though he’s the one leaving, for some reason it feels like he’s being left behind.

rewind

restart.

a/n: so originally this fic was supposed to be more of a seokwon/yoonho/kwangji thing but then that got scrapped... as well as a bunch of other things. but honesetly im still mad at starship for this entire show and everyone's elimination