Crack: Johnny Shep (SGA/Ally McBeal Fusion) (John/Ronon)
John/Ronon AU #2.
Title: Johnny Shep
Rating: Crack
Pairing: John/Ronon, Ronon/Teyla
Word Count: ~1,400
A/N: One would think that I would hit my shame wall when faced with 1400 words of John Sheppard reenvisioned as Ally McBeal. One would be wrong, because I may be horrendously embarrassed, but I'm still posting the damn thing.
A/N2: I tried to capture the same sense of whimsy, absurdity and self-indulgent melodrama as Ally McBeal, and dear god is it disturbing
"What am I going to do?" John asks plaintively, leaning against a sink in the unisex bathroom.
Elizabeth fixes her hair and eyes him in the mirror. "Look. Judge Caldwell already doesn't like you. You could push this, yes, and probably win, but..."
"Out, out, get out!" a recorded voice screams.
John and Elizabeth both jump, even though they've heard that same recording a dozen times before. The door opens just as they settle down, and Rodney comes storming in. "Oh my god," he exclaims, waving the remote that operates his announcement message. "Do not tell me you didn't hear that. They heard it in the mail room!"
John ignores him and turns back to Elizabeth, crossing his arms. "I just don't like being told how much hair product is acceptable for a man. I don't even use any."
"Oh, please," Rodney snorts. "No one buys that. No one."
Elizabeth makes a face and shrugs in apologetic agreement. "As your boss, I'm telling you to go au natural," she tells John. "Don't push it."
"You two: out!" Rodney demands. "My bladder is about to bust and you know I have performance anxiety!"
*
At home that night, John changes into his thermal biplane pajamas and stands in front of his bathroom mirror, staring at the peaks of his hair.
He remembers Ronon giving him a noogie when they were kids, messing up his hair so that when he caught sight of his reflection when he gave chase it was a shock of cowlicks. Years later, in their dorm room at college, Ronon used to spend hours playing with the spikes of John's hair.
But Ronon's married to Teyla now, and maybe it doesn't matter anymore if John's hair is tufted just so. Out of the corner of there's a flash of movement, and when he turns there's a cartoon helicopter in the bathtub, dancing to circus music, being all taunting and smug.
"Oh, shut up," John snaps and throws a container of styling wax at it.
*
The next day John goes to Ronon's office and eyes his dreads. "Has Caldwell ever given you shit about your hair?" he asks.
Ronon grunts. "Tried. Told him it was a cultural thing."
John perks up. "Maybe I can--"
"You don't have any culture."
"I totally do!" John says indignantly, but Ronon just rolls his eyes.
John's about to argue his point, but Teyla comes in. "Ronon, we did not finish our discussion last night." She sees John leaning against the wall and her purses her lips and nods sharply. "John. I need to speak to my husband, if you do not mind."
In his head, John hisses at her like a cat and swipes at her with a clawed hand. In reality, he matches her fake pleasant smile with a fake bright one of his own.
"Sure," he says. "No problem."
The dancing helicopter is waiting for him in his office and John snarls at it.
*
Another night in front of the mirror--this time in his shortie jet pajamas--and another dance routine by the helicopter, and John ends it by shoving his head under the sink tap and throwing away all of his Product.
Afterwards he puts on Reba McEntire and defiantly line dances in his living room.
*
At work the next day, Laura is the first to see John's hair when she comes in with a stack of letters for him to sign.
"Wow," she breathes, awed. "It's so floppy!"
Ten minutes later there's a crowd in his office.
"No, really, it's cute," Elizabeth assures him.
"I think I want to ruffle it," Lorne says slowly, looking dazed, then ducks behind Laura when John glares.
"Huh," Rodney says staring at John with bemusement. "You look like that cartoon sheepdog." He gesture vaguely. "You know, the big dumb one."
Ronon is the only one who doesn't say anything; he stares hard at John for a minute, then turns on his heel and leaves the office. John misses what Zelenka has to say because he's too busy scowling at the helicopter, which is now dancing mid-air over John's desk.
*
John and Ronon end up sharing the elevator down at the end of the day.
"You, uh, didn't say anything," John comments, staring at the floor indicator. "About my, you know, hair."
"You don't go before Caldwell for another three weeks," Ronon says without inflection, but when John focuses on the elevator doors he can see their reflection in the metal surface, and Ronon's totally looking at him.
"Yeah, well, I figured I should get used to it. And let everyone else get it out of their system."
They arrive at the lobby with a cheerful ding, and Ronon holds the door and lets John slip out first.
"Hey," John says, and Ronon pauses. "I just--" He shakes his head and sighs. "I'm seeing that damn helicopter again."
Ronon exhales. "John--"
The elevator car next to them dings, then opens, and Teyla steps out, blinking at them in surprise. "Hello," she says to them both, then pointedly, "Ronon."
"Yeah, I know, let's go," Ronon says, and they walk out together, leaving John fighting the urge to go to his salon and blow several hundred dollars on Product.
*
By the third day, no one looks twice at his hair, even at the courthouse, and John finds it depressing.
"It's just--it was my thing," he tells Elizabeth at lunch. He picks apart a California roll and presses his thumb idly into the sticky rice. A few grains stick and he brings his thumb to his mouth and nibbles them off. "My signature."
Elizabeth pats his hand soothingly and says, "Don't be silly. Those pointy ears of yours are your thing, not your hair."
*
The next morning, John combs his hair over his ears. When Laura sees it she laughs until she cries and starts calling him Ringo. As if that's not bad enough, the stupid helicopter dances in circles around John's head for hours, which makes him so dizzy that he passes out during his mid-afternoon session of Winding Rodney Up.
"You are twenty years too old to be a manorexic emo-boy!" Rodney shouts when John wakes up and then shoves a bag of cookies at him.
"Today sucks," John tells the helicopter.
*
Everyone forgets about John's hair and ears entirely the following week, when a marble paperweight flies out of Teyla's office, through the frosted glass panel on her door. Ronon comes out five minutes later looking like a man who only just managed to dodge the projectile, and leaves without a word.
John tries to find out what's going on, but Ronon's adept at avoiding him. The one time John manages to corner him, Ronon squints at John's head and says, "I think you've got a gray hair" and so John spends the rest of the day in the bathroom with Elizabeth, Laura and Lorne.
*
The night before the hearing that Caldwell's presiding over, John and Lorne, who's second on the case, are finalizing the details in John's office when Ronon appears in the doorway sometime after nine.
"Oh, hey," John says and reaches for his hair, smoothing it down and tucking it over his pointy ears. "What are you doing here so late?"
"Leave us alone," Ronon rumbles at Lorne, and Lorne scurries out of the office. Ronon slides onto John's desk, pulls John--chair and all--between his legs, and digs through a bag.
"What--" John starts.
"Your hair looks stupid," Ronon says, and sets out one hair product after another on John's desk, all of them his preferred styling tools, in his preferred brand. "Lean forward."
"You totally love me," John says smugly while Ronon works on his hair.
Ronon snorts and reaches for a gloss spray. "Of course."
John captures his left hand and stares down at where his wedding ring isn't. "We're so together again," he says with certainty.
"Yeah," Ronon says, tugging lightly at what John can just tell is a perfectly styled peak of hair.
John clears his throat uncomfortably. "And Teyla...?"
Ronon threads their fingers together. "Says we're both dicks." They kinda are, so John just nods. "She's moving back home. Phoned in her resignation today."
When Ronon's finished with his hair, John spins around and checks out his reflection in the panoramic window behind him. "Perfect," he says after a moment's consideration. "Hey, but what about Caldwell?"
Ronon smirks. "It's a cultural thing."
"But you said I didn't--"
Ronon spins him back around and pushes him against the window. "Gay culture," he says, then leans down and kisses John.
"Cool," John says when they come up for air, and when Ronon's not looking he sticks his tongue out at the helicopter, which stops dancing and starts fading away.
.End
Title: Johnny Shep
Rating: Crack
Pairing: John/Ronon, Ronon/Teyla
Word Count: ~1,400
A/N: One would think that I would hit my shame wall when faced with 1400 words of John Sheppard reenvisioned as Ally McBeal. One would be wrong, because I may be horrendously embarrassed, but I'm still posting the damn thing.
A/N2: I tried to capture the same sense of whimsy, absurdity and self-indulgent melodrama as Ally McBeal, and dear god is it disturbing
"What am I going to do?" John asks plaintively, leaning against a sink in the unisex bathroom.
Elizabeth fixes her hair and eyes him in the mirror. "Look. Judge Caldwell already doesn't like you. You could push this, yes, and probably win, but..."
"Out, out, get out!" a recorded voice screams.
John and Elizabeth both jump, even though they've heard that same recording a dozen times before. The door opens just as they settle down, and Rodney comes storming in. "Oh my god," he exclaims, waving the remote that operates his announcement message. "Do not tell me you didn't hear that. They heard it in the mail room!"
John ignores him and turns back to Elizabeth, crossing his arms. "I just don't like being told how much hair product is acceptable for a man. I don't even use any."
"Oh, please," Rodney snorts. "No one buys that. No one."
Elizabeth makes a face and shrugs in apologetic agreement. "As your boss, I'm telling you to go au natural," she tells John. "Don't push it."
"You two: out!" Rodney demands. "My bladder is about to bust and you know I have performance anxiety!"
*
At home that night, John changes into his thermal biplane pajamas and stands in front of his bathroom mirror, staring at the peaks of his hair.
He remembers Ronon giving him a noogie when they were kids, messing up his hair so that when he caught sight of his reflection when he gave chase it was a shock of cowlicks. Years later, in their dorm room at college, Ronon used to spend hours playing with the spikes of John's hair.
But Ronon's married to Teyla now, and maybe it doesn't matter anymore if John's hair is tufted just so. Out of the corner of there's a flash of movement, and when he turns there's a cartoon helicopter in the bathtub, dancing to circus music, being all taunting and smug.
"Oh, shut up," John snaps and throws a container of styling wax at it.
*
The next day John goes to Ronon's office and eyes his dreads. "Has Caldwell ever given you shit about your hair?" he asks.
Ronon grunts. "Tried. Told him it was a cultural thing."
John perks up. "Maybe I can--"
"You don't have any culture."
"I totally do!" John says indignantly, but Ronon just rolls his eyes.
John's about to argue his point, but Teyla comes in. "Ronon, we did not finish our discussion last night." She sees John leaning against the wall and her purses her lips and nods sharply. "John. I need to speak to my husband, if you do not mind."
In his head, John hisses at her like a cat and swipes at her with a clawed hand. In reality, he matches her fake pleasant smile with a fake bright one of his own.
"Sure," he says. "No problem."
The dancing helicopter is waiting for him in his office and John snarls at it.
*
Another night in front of the mirror--this time in his shortie jet pajamas--and another dance routine by the helicopter, and John ends it by shoving his head under the sink tap and throwing away all of his Product.
Afterwards he puts on Reba McEntire and defiantly line dances in his living room.
*
At work the next day, Laura is the first to see John's hair when she comes in with a stack of letters for him to sign.
"Wow," she breathes, awed. "It's so floppy!"
Ten minutes later there's a crowd in his office.
"No, really, it's cute," Elizabeth assures him.
"I think I want to ruffle it," Lorne says slowly, looking dazed, then ducks behind Laura when John glares.
"Huh," Rodney says staring at John with bemusement. "You look like that cartoon sheepdog." He gesture vaguely. "You know, the big dumb one."
Ronon is the only one who doesn't say anything; he stares hard at John for a minute, then turns on his heel and leaves the office. John misses what Zelenka has to say because he's too busy scowling at the helicopter, which is now dancing mid-air over John's desk.
*
John and Ronon end up sharing the elevator down at the end of the day.
"You, uh, didn't say anything," John comments, staring at the floor indicator. "About my, you know, hair."
"You don't go before Caldwell for another three weeks," Ronon says without inflection, but when John focuses on the elevator doors he can see their reflection in the metal surface, and Ronon's totally looking at him.
"Yeah, well, I figured I should get used to it. And let everyone else get it out of their system."
They arrive at the lobby with a cheerful ding, and Ronon holds the door and lets John slip out first.
"Hey," John says, and Ronon pauses. "I just--" He shakes his head and sighs. "I'm seeing that damn helicopter again."
Ronon exhales. "John--"
The elevator car next to them dings, then opens, and Teyla steps out, blinking at them in surprise. "Hello," she says to them both, then pointedly, "Ronon."
"Yeah, I know, let's go," Ronon says, and they walk out together, leaving John fighting the urge to go to his salon and blow several hundred dollars on Product.
*
By the third day, no one looks twice at his hair, even at the courthouse, and John finds it depressing.
"It's just--it was my thing," he tells Elizabeth at lunch. He picks apart a California roll and presses his thumb idly into the sticky rice. A few grains stick and he brings his thumb to his mouth and nibbles them off. "My signature."
Elizabeth pats his hand soothingly and says, "Don't be silly. Those pointy ears of yours are your thing, not your hair."
*
The next morning, John combs his hair over his ears. When Laura sees it she laughs until she cries and starts calling him Ringo. As if that's not bad enough, the stupid helicopter dances in circles around John's head for hours, which makes him so dizzy that he passes out during his mid-afternoon session of Winding Rodney Up.
"You are twenty years too old to be a manorexic emo-boy!" Rodney shouts when John wakes up and then shoves a bag of cookies at him.
"Today sucks," John tells the helicopter.
*
Everyone forgets about John's hair and ears entirely the following week, when a marble paperweight flies out of Teyla's office, through the frosted glass panel on her door. Ronon comes out five minutes later looking like a man who only just managed to dodge the projectile, and leaves without a word.
John tries to find out what's going on, but Ronon's adept at avoiding him. The one time John manages to corner him, Ronon squints at John's head and says, "I think you've got a gray hair" and so John spends the rest of the day in the bathroom with Elizabeth, Laura and Lorne.
*
The night before the hearing that Caldwell's presiding over, John and Lorne, who's second on the case, are finalizing the details in John's office when Ronon appears in the doorway sometime after nine.
"Oh, hey," John says and reaches for his hair, smoothing it down and tucking it over his pointy ears. "What are you doing here so late?"
"Leave us alone," Ronon rumbles at Lorne, and Lorne scurries out of the office. Ronon slides onto John's desk, pulls John--chair and all--between his legs, and digs through a bag.
"What--" John starts.
"Your hair looks stupid," Ronon says, and sets out one hair product after another on John's desk, all of them his preferred styling tools, in his preferred brand. "Lean forward."
"You totally love me," John says smugly while Ronon works on his hair.
Ronon snorts and reaches for a gloss spray. "Of course."
John captures his left hand and stares down at where his wedding ring isn't. "We're so together again," he says with certainty.
"Yeah," Ronon says, tugging lightly at what John can just tell is a perfectly styled peak of hair.
John clears his throat uncomfortably. "And Teyla...?"
Ronon threads their fingers together. "Says we're both dicks." They kinda are, so John just nods. "She's moving back home. Phoned in her resignation today."
When Ronon's finished with his hair, John spins around and checks out his reflection in the panoramic window behind him. "Perfect," he says after a moment's consideration. "Hey, but what about Caldwell?"
Ronon smirks. "It's a cultural thing."
"But you said I didn't--"
Ronon spins him back around and pushes him against the window. "Gay culture," he says, then leans down and kisses John.
"Cool," John says when they come up for air, and when Ronon's not looking he sticks his tongue out at the helicopter, which stops dancing and starts fading away.
.End