FIC, "Jared, Jensen, and Jared’s Enormous Wang: A Miraculous and Uplifting Tale for the Ages," R
Firstly: THE BEST NEWS STORY EVER. Ahahaha!
Also, okay, remember how I said I was working on another fic when I should have been working on “Five Times Sam and Dean Have Had Sex”? Well, this is not that fic. This fic is a bit of J2 fluffy fun ridiculousness that’s been sitting on my hard drive since forever that I just dragged out and finished in time for Valentine’s Day, so.
Happy Valentine’s Day!!!
Title: Jared, Jensen, and Jared’s Enormous Wang: A Miraculous and Uplifting Tale for the Ages
Paring: Jared/Jensen
Rating: R
Genre: Humor, crack
Summary: Wherein Jared reads J2 fanfic and Jensen perseveres.
Disclaimer: Jared and Jensen own themselves, and possibly each other.
“According to this, I have an enormous wang,” said Jared, waving around a fistful of papers entitled Jensen and Jared: An Epic Love Story of Epic Epicness.
“You do have an enormous wang,” said Jensen. He remembered with startling clarity the time Jared’s towel had slipped during the taping of Hell House, causing all those present to break out into spontaneous applause.
“Yes, but it’s nice to get recognition,” said Jared.
“Well, I’m glad that you’re glad,” said Jensen.
“Don’t you want to know what it says about you?” said Jared.
“I really, really don’t,” said Jensen.
Fanfiction about Sam and Dean was alarming enough. Fanfiction about him and Jared was proportionally worse. Jensen didn’t know why Jared was so taken with the stuff.
“There’s, like, five paragraphs about your cock-sucking mouth and all the amazing things it does to my enormous wang,” said Jared.
“How…disturbing,” said Jensen.
“Not really,” said Jared. “You’re, like, a cock-sucking savant, or something. It’s kinda flattering, really.”
“Sometimes your brain frightens me,” said Jensen.
“According to this, my enormous wang frightens you. Well, that and your conservative Texan bible-thumping homophobic parents and their likely rejection of our epic gay romance.”
“…There are so many things wrong with what you just said that I can’t even begin to formulate a response,” said Jensen.
“Yeah, I know. Your parents aren’t homophobic. Mama and Papa Ackles would totally be down with our sparkly homo love.”
“Jared, did you break into my gummi stash again? ’Cause you know too much sugar fucks you up-”
“Nah, man, I just had my usual. This is all Jare-Bear right here, my friend.”
“Oh,” said Jensen. “Right.”
“So, anyway, it also says you saved your anal cherry for me, and, like, we do it on a waterbed filled with champagne and strewn with, like, rose petals or something, and Harley and Sadie totally approve because they love you and want you to be their new mommy, and I have to use a lot of lube because you’re fragile and my wang is, like, the size of South America.”
Jensen made a small whimpering sound.
“You know,” said Jared, “that’s the sound it says you made when I put my South-America-sized penis in you.”
A sound man looked at them oddly.
Jensen smiled tightly back and ushered Jared off in the opposite direction.
“First of all,” said Jensen, “what is an anal cherry? Secondly-no, I’m not even going to ask about the dogs. Also, I’m not fragile, and your penis,” Jared looked at him hopefully “while enormous, is not the size of South America, and is also not going anywhere near my ass.”
“Well, it’s kind of like-”
“No, it’s not,” said Jensen.
“Kind of like South America,” said Jared, “and I bet you’d totally let me do you if I had a waterbed full of champagne. Or, like, soda. I think I’d prefer soda. What do you think?”
“You’re not actually supposed to drink the liquid in a waterbed,” said Jensen.
“It just seems like such a wasted opportunity,” said Jared. “Also, what was the question, again?”
“Anal cherry,” said Jensen. “And I can’t believe I just said that.”
“Oh, yeah,” said Jared. “Well, you know how when a girl loses her virginity, it’s called popping her cherry, right?”
“I call it a lady’s maiden voyage to the sea of carnality, but go on,” said Jensen.
“Yeah, so a guy’s got a cherry, too, but it’s, like, metaphorical and stuff, and he loses it when another guy does him up the butt. So basically you’ve been saving your anal virginity for me.”
“What? I haven’t been saving my anal virginity for you!”
“You haven’t?” said Jared, pouting.
“No. Because I don’t sleep with men. At all. Including you.”
“Not even if I had a sodabed?” said Jared.
“A what?” said Jensen.
“You know, a waterbed filled with soda. Unless you still want the champagne. Champagne is still totally doable. Since it’s your first time and everything.”
“I don’t even like waterbeds,” said Jensen.
“You’re right, it would probably mess up my thrusting,” said Jared.
“You mean all the hypothetical thrusting you’d be doing during our not-ever-gonna-happen sex?”
“Well, yeah,” said Jared.
“Right,” said Jensen. “Just so we’re clear.”
“Oh, whatever,” said Jared. “You know you think I’m sexy.”
“I think your ego might actually be bigger than your wang by now,” said Jensen.
“Now you’re just delusional,” said Jared. “Nothing’s bigger than my wang. Not even South America.”
“Sometimes I sit down and wonder how my life got this way, and I have myself a good cry,” said Jensen.
“I’m just sayin’, I’m not gay, but I’d totally do you. I’m not blind, you know?”
“Jared,” said Jensen, very carefully. “Did you just proposition me?”
“You bet your virgin ass I did,” said Jared.
“Um,” said Jensen.
***************************************************
“Wow,” said Jared, rolling off of Jensen to collapse in a sweaty, flushed heap on the pillow beside him.
“Yeah,” agreed Jensen. His thighs ached and he was sore in places he hadn’t even known he could be sore, but he liked it.
“So,” said Jared.
“What?”
“You know,” said Jared.
“Okay, okay,” said Jensen, rolling his eyes. “It was kind of like South America.”
Also, okay, remember how I said I was working on another fic when I should have been working on “Five Times Sam and Dean Have Had Sex”? Well, this is not that fic. This fic is a bit of J2 fluffy fun ridiculousness that’s been sitting on my hard drive since forever that I just dragged out and finished in time for Valentine’s Day, so.
Happy Valentine’s Day!!!
Title: Jared, Jensen, and Jared’s Enormous Wang: A Miraculous and Uplifting Tale for the Ages
Paring: Jared/Jensen
Rating: R
Genre: Humor, crack
Summary: Wherein Jared reads J2 fanfic and Jensen perseveres.
Disclaimer: Jared and Jensen own themselves, and possibly each other.
“According to this, I have an enormous wang,” said Jared, waving around a fistful of papers entitled Jensen and Jared: An Epic Love Story of Epic Epicness.
“You do have an enormous wang,” said Jensen. He remembered with startling clarity the time Jared’s towel had slipped during the taping of Hell House, causing all those present to break out into spontaneous applause.
“Yes, but it’s nice to get recognition,” said Jared.
“Well, I’m glad that you’re glad,” said Jensen.
“Don’t you want to know what it says about you?” said Jared.
“I really, really don’t,” said Jensen.
Fanfiction about Sam and Dean was alarming enough. Fanfiction about him and Jared was proportionally worse. Jensen didn’t know why Jared was so taken with the stuff.
“There’s, like, five paragraphs about your cock-sucking mouth and all the amazing things it does to my enormous wang,” said Jared.
“How…disturbing,” said Jensen.
“Not really,” said Jared. “You’re, like, a cock-sucking savant, or something. It’s kinda flattering, really.”
“Sometimes your brain frightens me,” said Jensen.
“According to this, my enormous wang frightens you. Well, that and your conservative Texan bible-thumping homophobic parents and their likely rejection of our epic gay romance.”
“…There are so many things wrong with what you just said that I can’t even begin to formulate a response,” said Jensen.
“Yeah, I know. Your parents aren’t homophobic. Mama and Papa Ackles would totally be down with our sparkly homo love.”
“Jared, did you break into my gummi stash again? ’Cause you know too much sugar fucks you up-”
“Nah, man, I just had my usual. This is all Jare-Bear right here, my friend.”
“Oh,” said Jensen. “Right.”
“So, anyway, it also says you saved your anal cherry for me, and, like, we do it on a waterbed filled with champagne and strewn with, like, rose petals or something, and Harley and Sadie totally approve because they love you and want you to be their new mommy, and I have to use a lot of lube because you’re fragile and my wang is, like, the size of South America.”
Jensen made a small whimpering sound.
“You know,” said Jared, “that’s the sound it says you made when I put my South-America-sized penis in you.”
A sound man looked at them oddly.
Jensen smiled tightly back and ushered Jared off in the opposite direction.
“First of all,” said Jensen, “what is an anal cherry? Secondly-no, I’m not even going to ask about the dogs. Also, I’m not fragile, and your penis,” Jared looked at him hopefully “while enormous, is not the size of South America, and is also not going anywhere near my ass.”
“Well, it’s kind of like-”
“No, it’s not,” said Jensen.
“Kind of like South America,” said Jared, “and I bet you’d totally let me do you if I had a waterbed full of champagne. Or, like, soda. I think I’d prefer soda. What do you think?”
“You’re not actually supposed to drink the liquid in a waterbed,” said Jensen.
“It just seems like such a wasted opportunity,” said Jared. “Also, what was the question, again?”
“Anal cherry,” said Jensen. “And I can’t believe I just said that.”
“Oh, yeah,” said Jared. “Well, you know how when a girl loses her virginity, it’s called popping her cherry, right?”
“I call it a lady’s maiden voyage to the sea of carnality, but go on,” said Jensen.
“Yeah, so a guy’s got a cherry, too, but it’s, like, metaphorical and stuff, and he loses it when another guy does him up the butt. So basically you’ve been saving your anal virginity for me.”
“What? I haven’t been saving my anal virginity for you!”
“You haven’t?” said Jared, pouting.
“No. Because I don’t sleep with men. At all. Including you.”
“Not even if I had a sodabed?” said Jared.
“A what?” said Jensen.
“You know, a waterbed filled with soda. Unless you still want the champagne. Champagne is still totally doable. Since it’s your first time and everything.”
“I don’t even like waterbeds,” said Jensen.
“You’re right, it would probably mess up my thrusting,” said Jared.
“You mean all the hypothetical thrusting you’d be doing during our not-ever-gonna-happen sex?”
“Well, yeah,” said Jared.
“Right,” said Jensen. “Just so we’re clear.”
“Oh, whatever,” said Jared. “You know you think I’m sexy.”
“I think your ego might actually be bigger than your wang by now,” said Jensen.
“Now you’re just delusional,” said Jared. “Nothing’s bigger than my wang. Not even South America.”
“Sometimes I sit down and wonder how my life got this way, and I have myself a good cry,” said Jensen.
“I’m just sayin’, I’m not gay, but I’d totally do you. I’m not blind, you know?”
“Jared,” said Jensen, very carefully. “Did you just proposition me?”
“You bet your virgin ass I did,” said Jared.
“Um,” said Jensen.
***************************************************
“Wow,” said Jared, rolling off of Jensen to collapse in a sweaty, flushed heap on the pillow beside him.
“Yeah,” agreed Jensen. His thighs ached and he was sore in places he hadn’t even known he could be sore, but he liked it.
“So,” said Jared.
“What?”
“You know,” said Jared.
“Okay, okay,” said Jensen, rolling his eyes. “It was kind of like South America.”