(no subject)
I felt the signs on wednesday. But I ignored it. So I ended up crashing yesterday. I've watched Chasing Amy twice in the past 24 hours, which is probably not a good idea. The story builds into this huge amazing romance. An unlikely pairing of sorts, but a pair with a deep love. But it ends.
The Epilogue is what does it though. You have a man who has spent his past year thinking about what went wrong, how to fix it, aching over his love. And then you have the one he loved, and she's moved on. They talk for a bit, but when asked who he is, all she says is "Just some guy I knew." How anticlimactic. It's the same reason I love Oscar Wilde's play "A Woman of No Importance," except without the irony (but the same Oscar Wildian Wit).
I've been wanting to write something on my perception of love, but I've come to realize that it'd be very shallow. I know nothing about it. I've rationalized that I've never felt anything but infatuation and a lack of composure. My perception of love is only what I've seen in movies and read in books. We're reading Austen's Persuasion, but all I can think of is how shallow that book is. It says that Anne and Wentworth are in love, but I don't understand why or how or what that means. All it means it seems is that they want to wed. My understanding has come to be that there is more than just that spark. There has to be, or else it doesn't last, right? So many marriages in this country are built on that spark, and they all end in divorce. There's got to be more than just that.
I keep thinking of Fitzgerald's Tender is the Night where dick Diver sacrifices his life for his wife and ends up with nothing left. I keep thinking how wrong my junior paper on that book was. Love prevailed in that novel. He cured his wife. He gave the woman he loved the life she deserved, and that meant that he couldn't be with her. Is that what my perception of love has become? A drastic sacrifice?
People talk about dating just for fun. I don't know how you do that without becoming attached. I'm obliged to care for everyone I come close to. I'm protective, probably overprotective. I don't understand. Michelle was talking about her friend and mentioned that he's very Christian and is pretty much dating for Marriage. Am I doing that? I mean, I'm relatively pious. I'd like all my relationships to mean something. I'd like to get married and have kids and grandkids and grow old and die. I guess whenever I get a crush at some point I think "could I spend the rest of my life with this girl?"
What the hell do I know? I'm 18. I'm just starting college. I'm sure I'll find love eventually. What do I look for in a girl? Physically? Preferably between 4'10 and 5'4 with a pretty face and a nice ass. Personality? Someone who I can talk with, banter with, who I can make laugh and who can make me laugh. I want someone who can hold me up when I crash like this. Someone I can take care of. I'm not a jealous type. I'm just protective. I want a girl who is reserved but fun. Someone who can have fun without drinking, or partying, or being a stupid college-stereotype.
But just because I've set-up a so-called type, does this mean I could love this girl? I've determined what I want. Am I ever going to find that? I have no idea, but probably not.
I've been talking to Patty, and she thinks love is acceptance, the ability to accept one's shortcomings, to compromise. But she also thinks it's just a biological thing, so we fuck and and repopulate the species. I'd like to think I'm not that callous, but I know I'm getting there and have become quite desensitized.
Maybe I'm overthinking it. Then again, they also say that you never really know until you've lost it. I'm scared to ever lose it if I ever find it. But I guess I'm more scared that I'll never really find it.