The annual State of the Mind Address... On getting pregnant.
I guess it's been a while since i've updated with pertinent crap. life crap. it's been a rather amazing ride which is coming to a close soon. let's start from the top, shall we?
i remember back in early february, i was determined to lose 20 pounds by my birthday in july. Ivan (who was fresh in my life for a little less than 3 months) was helping me to achieve my goal. we were going running everyday. I was running about a quarter of a mile non-stop, which was pretty good for me. one night, we're running after class and i get dizzy and nauseous. for some reason, the first words that popped out of my mouth were: "oh my god, i think i'm pregnant."
his reaction was priceless, but supportive. i sat down and pushed the thought out of my mind. a few days pass, im having some symptoms. my boobs are tender, im really nauseous lately... maybe i'm just imagining it. I have to be. i had been putting off getting the pill, (of course i can't get pregnant anyway, right?) so finally when i go to the pharmacy, they say they can't refill my perscription because it expired. I'd have to go in and renew my perscription. (In retrospect, thank God for that... things would've ended up much worse.) I was forced to go to the doctor's office. That night I go home and mom tells me about a dream my dad had. He was holding a baby. He was so happy and overjoyed... and then my mom asks me a very serious question: "You're not pregnant, are you?" "God, mom, no." In the back of my head i whispered to myself: "i think..."
it's a normal checkup. Exam room number 3. I always get this room. the nurse goes about taking my weight and blood pressure. She asks when my last period was, and i'm not sure.
"My periods are irregular, you see, so i really can't tell you when it ended. I can give you an estimate... maybe about 3 to four weeks ago."
"Well, if that's the case, we won't do a pregnancy test."
"Um, actually, can you do one anyway? Just so i can have peace of mind?" I had to prove it to myself. Stop being paranoid. You're not pregnant. This time, stay on the pill and don't forget about your perscription.
"Yeah, sure, no problem. I'll be back in with Dr. Safinski for your exam and let you know."
5 minutes pass, im in the uncomfortable open-to-the-front pink paper gown, completely naked underneath. I'm cold. and i just casually sit there. Safinski knocks and comes in, says hello and goes straight to work. It's usually what he does, but sometimes he'll throw in a little chit-chat. Nothing. No eye-contact or anything. The nurse won't make eye contact with me either. She's looking down, helping Dr. Safinski with the exam. He finishes the exam (which was a little different than usual for some reason...) and tells me he'll talk to me in his office.
"get dressed and go sit and wait for me in my office. I'll be with you shortly."
His attitude was very curt. he walks out and shuts the door. He usually talks to me in his office, i told myself. There's nothing new about this. He needs to write the perscription and maybe tell me about my cysts. That's it. I shrug it off and get dressed.
I walk out of Exam Room number 3 and there's the nurse along with every other nurse, sneaky smiles on all of their faces. she tells me where his office is. im in there for 2 minutes waiting for him, completely oblivious to how my life was about to pivot wildly.
Safinski walks in, closes the door-
...wait. stop right there. he NEVER closes the door. What's going on? OH SHIT. OH SHIT. OH SHIT....
I feel the blood drain out of my face. This is it. I just screwed up royally, didn't I?
"Well, Ms. Alvarez, it looks like I won't be writing you that perscription today. That's because you are pregnant." He stops and looks at me. finally. as if he was giving me time for my brain to formulate what the hell he just told me. He's done this before, obviously.
There's a weak but polite smile on my face. Suddenly it registers. A burst of panic rings in my ears. the smile fades and the only thing i could stutter out was a bewildered "Huh?" followed by hyperventilating and tears. He pulls out a box of tissues, probably from his emergency "ohmygodimpregnant?!" drawer. He's done this before, obviously. I'm fanning myself trying not to pass out.
"...Really?" i finally manage to blurt out. No, this isn't some cruel joke. I swallowed hard and he assured me there was nothing to worry about.
"Pregnancy isn't an illness. You're fine." His voice was calm and cool... He's done this before, obviously. He goes on and on about when he expects me to be due and things we'd need to consider, my diet, my lifestyle. "We'll need to take some blood to confirm everything and to make sure everything's okay." I nod. that's about all i can do besides stare and cry, my mouth agape.
The next thing that crosses my mind is: "I need to tell Ivan."
So stupid me, I TEXT the poor boy. two words. "I'm pregnant." that's it. i can only imagine his reaction. he was probably eating lunch with a coworker and jumped out of his seat and ran out of the room to call me. i couldn't answer the phone right away. i needed to collect my thoughts.
So Dr. Safinski sends me out to the waiting room with a clipboard full of papers. Enough to make my head spin - even more than it was already spinning. what is this stuff about amniocentesis? all of these pregnancy terms that just makes me nervous. Usually, i would call my mom and ask her what the hell they were talking about. then it dawns on me: I have to tell my parents. Just as that realization settles in, ivan tries calling me for the fifth time. I finally pick up. He asks if im okay. He says we're gonna do this together. that we'll talk about more when he gets a chance. he'll pick me up after he's done at work.
"Okay." it was all i could say. this conversation needed to happen in person. not here. "Okay."
What does this mean for my life? What's going to happen? Is he really ready to be a dad? Am I ready to be a mom? Is our relationship stable enough for this? What are my parents going to think? Are they going to kick me out? Do we get married? Oh jeez, the day before i had a grilled tuna sandwhich with a giant glass of beer... is that going to affect the baby?
...should i even go through with all of this?
so many questions. i just wanted to sleep. but then i looked down at my belly. it looked just as it did the day before. and the day before that. i touched it as if for the first time realizing that i had a real uterus. i had a real baby. no more dreams of being a mommy. they're here right now. i'm a mommy. and in that instant, that first time belly touch quelled all of my questions. nothing mattered.
i'm a mommy. it was the best feeling in the world.
i remember back in early february, i was determined to lose 20 pounds by my birthday in july. Ivan (who was fresh in my life for a little less than 3 months) was helping me to achieve my goal. we were going running everyday. I was running about a quarter of a mile non-stop, which was pretty good for me. one night, we're running after class and i get dizzy and nauseous. for some reason, the first words that popped out of my mouth were: "oh my god, i think i'm pregnant."
his reaction was priceless, but supportive. i sat down and pushed the thought out of my mind. a few days pass, im having some symptoms. my boobs are tender, im really nauseous lately... maybe i'm just imagining it. I have to be. i had been putting off getting the pill, (of course i can't get pregnant anyway, right?) so finally when i go to the pharmacy, they say they can't refill my perscription because it expired. I'd have to go in and renew my perscription. (In retrospect, thank God for that... things would've ended up much worse.) I was forced to go to the doctor's office. That night I go home and mom tells me about a dream my dad had. He was holding a baby. He was so happy and overjoyed... and then my mom asks me a very serious question: "You're not pregnant, are you?" "God, mom, no." In the back of my head i whispered to myself: "i think..."
it's a normal checkup. Exam room number 3. I always get this room. the nurse goes about taking my weight and blood pressure. She asks when my last period was, and i'm not sure.
"My periods are irregular, you see, so i really can't tell you when it ended. I can give you an estimate... maybe about 3 to four weeks ago."
"Well, if that's the case, we won't do a pregnancy test."
"Um, actually, can you do one anyway? Just so i can have peace of mind?" I had to prove it to myself. Stop being paranoid. You're not pregnant. This time, stay on the pill and don't forget about your perscription.
"Yeah, sure, no problem. I'll be back in with Dr. Safinski for your exam and let you know."
5 minutes pass, im in the uncomfortable open-to-the-front pink paper gown, completely naked underneath. I'm cold. and i just casually sit there. Safinski knocks and comes in, says hello and goes straight to work. It's usually what he does, but sometimes he'll throw in a little chit-chat. Nothing. No eye-contact or anything. The nurse won't make eye contact with me either. She's looking down, helping Dr. Safinski with the exam. He finishes the exam (which was a little different than usual for some reason...) and tells me he'll talk to me in his office.
"get dressed and go sit and wait for me in my office. I'll be with you shortly."
His attitude was very curt. he walks out and shuts the door. He usually talks to me in his office, i told myself. There's nothing new about this. He needs to write the perscription and maybe tell me about my cysts. That's it. I shrug it off and get dressed.
I walk out of Exam Room number 3 and there's the nurse along with every other nurse, sneaky smiles on all of their faces. she tells me where his office is. im in there for 2 minutes waiting for him, completely oblivious to how my life was about to pivot wildly.
Safinski walks in, closes the door-
...wait. stop right there. he NEVER closes the door. What's going on? OH SHIT. OH SHIT. OH SHIT....
I feel the blood drain out of my face. This is it. I just screwed up royally, didn't I?
"Well, Ms. Alvarez, it looks like I won't be writing you that perscription today. That's because you are pregnant." He stops and looks at me. finally. as if he was giving me time for my brain to formulate what the hell he just told me. He's done this before, obviously.
There's a weak but polite smile on my face. Suddenly it registers. A burst of panic rings in my ears. the smile fades and the only thing i could stutter out was a bewildered "Huh?" followed by hyperventilating and tears. He pulls out a box of tissues, probably from his emergency "ohmygodimpregnant?!" drawer. He's done this before, obviously. I'm fanning myself trying not to pass out.
"...Really?" i finally manage to blurt out. No, this isn't some cruel joke. I swallowed hard and he assured me there was nothing to worry about.
"Pregnancy isn't an illness. You're fine." His voice was calm and cool... He's done this before, obviously. He goes on and on about when he expects me to be due and things we'd need to consider, my diet, my lifestyle. "We'll need to take some blood to confirm everything and to make sure everything's okay." I nod. that's about all i can do besides stare and cry, my mouth agape.
The next thing that crosses my mind is: "I need to tell Ivan."
So stupid me, I TEXT the poor boy. two words. "I'm pregnant." that's it. i can only imagine his reaction. he was probably eating lunch with a coworker and jumped out of his seat and ran out of the room to call me. i couldn't answer the phone right away. i needed to collect my thoughts.
So Dr. Safinski sends me out to the waiting room with a clipboard full of papers. Enough to make my head spin - even more than it was already spinning. what is this stuff about amniocentesis? all of these pregnancy terms that just makes me nervous. Usually, i would call my mom and ask her what the hell they were talking about. then it dawns on me: I have to tell my parents. Just as that realization settles in, ivan tries calling me for the fifth time. I finally pick up. He asks if im okay. He says we're gonna do this together. that we'll talk about more when he gets a chance. he'll pick me up after he's done at work.
"Okay." it was all i could say. this conversation needed to happen in person. not here. "Okay."
What does this mean for my life? What's going to happen? Is he really ready to be a dad? Am I ready to be a mom? Is our relationship stable enough for this? What are my parents going to think? Are they going to kick me out? Do we get married? Oh jeez, the day before i had a grilled tuna sandwhich with a giant glass of beer... is that going to affect the baby?
...should i even go through with all of this?
so many questions. i just wanted to sleep. but then i looked down at my belly. it looked just as it did the day before. and the day before that. i touched it as if for the first time realizing that i had a real uterus. i had a real baby. no more dreams of being a mommy. they're here right now. i'm a mommy. and in that instant, that first time belly touch quelled all of my questions. nothing mattered.
i'm a mommy. it was the best feeling in the world.