(no subject)
I'm so tired.
It really doesn't matter what time I go to bed, or what time I wake up.
I get so exhausted from arguing with myself all day long, trying to convince myself that things are really okay.
I remember when I used to not be able to cry when I wanted to.
Say, last year at this time.
Couldn't do it.
I really thought I had somehow tricked my body into not noticing I just stopped taking my meds.
It's been about three months I think.
I thought things were alright.
But now it really doesn't take much to send me into a panic, depression, bad mood, etc.
So guess what, I gotta find a way to get back on them.
I keep convincing myself that he's going to out of nowhere break up with me.
And I think about the pain I felt at the end of the summer and it shuts me down.
This happen's at any given time,
and it's made it near impossible for me to enjoy anything.
I'm trying, harder than I ever have in my life, to hold things in.
To not be a downer.
To not be a buzzkill.
To not be controling,.
To not be jealous.
To not be the bitchy girlfriend.
It's really, REALLY, fucking hard to do.
I hope to god its paying off somehow,
because I fucking love that kid like no other.