A Particularly Negative Update
Been pretty quiet lately because I've been struggling with being unpleasant. There are so many people I know (especially on Facebook) who have this wonderfully positive facade like all the time, and it's so hard to counter "the universe is full of warm, pink supportive light" with "fuck it" and not feel like you're a negative ass.
But it's like this: I'm learning to be angry. For most of my life, when people have asked me if I was mad, I would evade with euphemisms and say I was just frustrated or tired or irritable or whatever in order to avoid saying "yes. I'm mad. Yes, at you." But I did all that great work on being vulnerable, and on having compassion for myself and all that, and like those mutant creatures who crawl out from under that boy's bed in Toy Story, all my shadowy feelings are crawling out from under the metaphorical dark bed of my psyche. And may I just say, it blows.
When you've done everything in your power to avoid being pissed for most of your life, dealing with being pissed is just not something you're prepared to cope with. Because it's only ever been used as the last ditch, tried everything, backed into a corner with no other options so come out swinging and damn the consequences option. So finding the middle ground between "I'm fine, fine, really, just fine" and "I'm going to grab you by the neck and grind your face into what you've done" is proving challenging. And like a toddler who learns no, my emotions are having a lot of fun playing with mad. In other words, I have a hair-trigger right now. Add to this that my meds don't seem to be working as well anymore. I hate it. It's not very much fun to be inside my head these days.
Add to that the stresses of having the girl on summer break and testing limits every time I turn around, and her father is making lots of assumptions about my time (which is far less important than his) and I think I get one or two days every few weeks where I'm not thanklessly chauffering her around. Did I mention that my car accident 2 weeks ago was driving her to a softball tournament that he signed her up for without telling me it would be on my weekend? Did I? Because it was. It's petty as hell, but I totally fucking blame him.
And now the guy who was working on our house has taken his 3rd check and not done any work in the 2 weeks since and flooded us with lies as to why not, which means that our house is in a perpetual state of partially painted, and the important part that we hired him to do in the first place (cap the soffits) is the thing he's elected to do last, if he ever does it at all. Because now he's saying that because the paint job was harder than he expected he can't do as much work and we're supposed to be okay with paying $10k plus parts for him to partially paint the house and install some windows. Of course back at the beginning when I asked him for a breakdown of hours he told me it was a per-job thing and he'd taken the worst case scenario into account (which clearly he hadn't). So now we're in this weird standoff where we've got his tools locked up and he's avoiding us. Ugh. Oh, and also he's the father of our neighbor's kid. Fun stuff.
Then there are the many daily frustrations that make me consider homicide. I think it's probably a good thing I don't have a nuclear core. Or a weapon.
So you can see why I haven't had much to say lately. But I promised a birthday update for a dear far-flung friend, so there you go (happy 50th, sweetie).
I'll try to end it on a positive note. Things I'm grateful for:
It's been a delightfully cool and pleasant summer for the most part.
The flowers in my front yard are lovely.
I got to see Karen for a whole week only a month ago.
Our new windows open very easily.
Cat pee comes right out of microfiber.
I've had a nice long break from school in which I've gotten to do much recreational reading, and now I'm looking forward to going back.
My voice is turning a corner.
Softball season is over.
C might go stay with grandparents for 3 whole weeks!
My husband is so caring and supportive and tolerating of my crankiness.
We're going to Assateague next weekend.
All my wonderful friends.
But it's like this: I'm learning to be angry. For most of my life, when people have asked me if I was mad, I would evade with euphemisms and say I was just frustrated or tired or irritable or whatever in order to avoid saying "yes. I'm mad. Yes, at you." But I did all that great work on being vulnerable, and on having compassion for myself and all that, and like those mutant creatures who crawl out from under that boy's bed in Toy Story, all my shadowy feelings are crawling out from under the metaphorical dark bed of my psyche. And may I just say, it blows.
When you've done everything in your power to avoid being pissed for most of your life, dealing with being pissed is just not something you're prepared to cope with. Because it's only ever been used as the last ditch, tried everything, backed into a corner with no other options so come out swinging and damn the consequences option. So finding the middle ground between "I'm fine, fine, really, just fine" and "I'm going to grab you by the neck and grind your face into what you've done" is proving challenging. And like a toddler who learns no, my emotions are having a lot of fun playing with mad. In other words, I have a hair-trigger right now. Add to this that my meds don't seem to be working as well anymore. I hate it. It's not very much fun to be inside my head these days.
Add to that the stresses of having the girl on summer break and testing limits every time I turn around, and her father is making lots of assumptions about my time (which is far less important than his) and I think I get one or two days every few weeks where I'm not thanklessly chauffering her around. Did I mention that my car accident 2 weeks ago was driving her to a softball tournament that he signed her up for without telling me it would be on my weekend? Did I? Because it was. It's petty as hell, but I totally fucking blame him.
And now the guy who was working on our house has taken his 3rd check and not done any work in the 2 weeks since and flooded us with lies as to why not, which means that our house is in a perpetual state of partially painted, and the important part that we hired him to do in the first place (cap the soffits) is the thing he's elected to do last, if he ever does it at all. Because now he's saying that because the paint job was harder than he expected he can't do as much work and we're supposed to be okay with paying $10k plus parts for him to partially paint the house and install some windows. Of course back at the beginning when I asked him for a breakdown of hours he told me it was a per-job thing and he'd taken the worst case scenario into account (which clearly he hadn't). So now we're in this weird standoff where we've got his tools locked up and he's avoiding us. Ugh. Oh, and also he's the father of our neighbor's kid. Fun stuff.
Then there are the many daily frustrations that make me consider homicide. I think it's probably a good thing I don't have a nuclear core. Or a weapon.
So you can see why I haven't had much to say lately. But I promised a birthday update for a dear far-flung friend, so there you go (happy 50th, sweetie).
I'll try to end it on a positive note. Things I'm grateful for:
It's been a delightfully cool and pleasant summer for the most part.
The flowers in my front yard are lovely.
I got to see Karen for a whole week only a month ago.
Our new windows open very easily.
Cat pee comes right out of microfiber.
I've had a nice long break from school in which I've gotten to do much recreational reading, and now I'm looking forward to going back.
My voice is turning a corner.
Softball season is over.
C might go stay with grandparents for 3 whole weeks!
My husband is so caring and supportive and tolerating of my crankiness.
We're going to Assateague next weekend.
All my wonderful friends.