Every now and then I fall apart...or actually just think, what a wonderful life
I had a think about how much Ive grown over the past 1-2 years.
I don’t think it’s perceptible or measurable instinctively but I have to admit that has happened when I think about graduating from university. Genuinely can’t believe that it’s only been four years, it feels like ten or even twenty. The feeling of back then is just so untraceable and fundamentally not something I can empathise with right now.
Aside from the absolute shiftiness of my fucked up old company I have also had the pleasure of dealing with enough fuckers (across a variety of settings) to make me wonder if my life is a shitty movie or if this is just what the real world is like. Honestly I don’t even bother going into detail or explaining every experience because it’s just depressing and I’ll also seem like a liar...interrogations blackmail lies forgery blah blah blah....I swear everyone is the same in every company and in every continent. At the end of the day it’s a dog eat dog world and I really could not care less to explain this in detail to people who don’t understand it yet. To an extent it is nobody’s fault but my own that I keep getting dragged into shit like this. It just seems inevitable though, like hurtling from one magnet to the next. And something I have learnt is that everyone has a price. It may not be monetary (even if it often is) but it will be something, maybe self preservation or reputation, or maybe even something soft and usually good- approval, love, safety, so on.
The other day someone was sharing with me how she got scammed by an investor and aged twenty years over a year. I told her I knew how it felt to age twenty years in a year and tried to empathise with her over the disheartening nature of human interactions and how she was a great person inside. She looked at me and told me I was too young (she’s six years older) and I probably just aged mentally from studying too hard. I just shrugged and thought, it’s not about me justifying myself, I’m more interested in trying to make you feel less alone. So I just went haha and agreed and continued comforting her with exclamation marks (because to this day and age I am incapable of not replying without exclamation marks if I don’t control myself). Also no one is paying me to be interesting anyway. Actually no one is paying me at all, despite the fact that I work like a dog everyday , ha ha.
I suppose growing up happy was something of a disadvantage because it made me very gullible. I think there were signs that the world was an unkind and genuinely shitty place- for example I kept making excuses for ex friend J who was genuinely a very selfish and overly judgmental person. Some friends have also disappointed me as well. But at the end of the day I wonder if I’m the one whose just abnormally gullible and weak inside. Maybe if I had been born with more iron it would have been different. This reminds me of H who told me once that the worst gift her parents ever gave her was a reasonable and logic centred parenting style because this made her rage against the illogicality of people around her and the world in general when she grew up. Well eventually she went on a bender but now she’s back again. I’m quite far from being on the mend myself and to be honest I’m not sure if I will ever go back to being myself a gain. Crossing the rubicon is not the correct phrase but it’s the same feeling of irreversibility: of looking at a river that can’t be uncrossed back.