Can you take the time from your store bought life
to listen to your past
your last regret?
Been putting off writing a journal entry all day to have something to look forward to when boredom gets the better of me. Eventually, I caved. So, I'm sitting here drinking an iced tea with a radio station in the background that has a fetish for billy joel. Now, normally, I would say that there is no such thing as too much Billy Joel. But upon hearing the piano man for the 7th or so time I'm ready to kill someone. And as I type, yet another song comes on.
SO, i've been thinking. a lot more than usual, and I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing about myself that I like anymore. I guess the old saying "you have to learn to accept yourself before others will accept you" is really, really true. I don't like myself and I don't know why. I feel like this whole ordeal has blown a huge hole in my self esteem and that there is no way I'm ever going to be able to fill it up completely again. And eric if you're reading this I don't mean you, sorry. I feel like in all of this, I've been forced to grow up and accept the fact that there is not going to be anyone to hold my hand anymore, and sometimes there is no way to fix solutions except for waiting them out and letting the time go by.
In life right now, I'm kind of in a weird place. Way over my head with one person, and also this whole spring break I've been trying to get in touch with a lot of people I've fallen out with over the years instead of wasting my time in town every day.
I still think Lisa and Toby would be cute, and it is probably going to end up as the next mission in my sad life to get them back together. Liz and Pat as well, and leslye with someone or other. Speaking of Leslye, I should call her......
The time has gone by, not fast and not slow. Just gone by. It's been what? Six months. Time to get on with life Laura. Time to wake up. Time to accept. And I have accepted, but acception isn't what I thought it would be. I need to be happy, something I'm not and haven't been for a really long long long long long time.
I know, I know. Take a bike ride, enjoy the scenery, live life to the fullest and you will be happy. I'll settle for a visit to the dermatologist today, who made me strip and then looked down my bra, making me feel both obese and violated at the same time. This is great, the fact that the only action I get is a dermatologist prescribing me numerous medications for my malignant acne, as coYned by cynthia in 6th or 7th grade when she confided in her diary that I was "depressed with a case of malignant acne."
And hey, guess what, I'm still depressed with a case of malignant acne.
Will wonders never cease?
I'm tired of my shitty pathetic ramblings
All I need
is a haircut
my malignant acne to go away
two or three nameless people dead in a gutter
ice cream from mr softee
{a long term, boyfriend who lives nearby, doesn't pretend to love me (not accusing someone, they're just guidelines), has a decent taste in music, is reasonably attractive, doesn't indulge in substance abuse(the pantha), and is mildly entertaining}
a better outlook on life
&&&&& the philharmonic thing to go ok
and then I should be all set.
maybe.
If you've really read all of this so far, I commend you. Half of the time I don't even know what I'm talking about and I'm def. not going to read over all of this when I'm done. SO, congratulations. I just royally wasted a lot a lot a lot of your time. I think I'm going to end up putting this whole thing under a cut anways because its way too long.
I really, truly, sincerely need a vacation. SO badly. And here I am, on vacation, and nothing is any different. Coaching is tonight. Seeing gdjhfghvcgvgvcjkgcvjgcvjkgvjkvgjgvj goddammit I hate this.
EVEN MORE OF A WASTE OF YOUR TIME AND LIFE
So far who did you talk to the most today?
Lauren
What is the best name for a butler?
jeeves, as doug and I agreed during batman begins -throws computer across room)
What was your last weird encounter?
looking in the mirror this morning
What’s the weirdest story of one of your scars?
let's not even get into that
Do you remember the part from Bambi when Bambi learns to say bear?
No.
What color is your toothbrush?
green
What is your middle name spelled backwards?
nollaf stfu its a terrible name I know
Can you eat well with chopsticks?
yea, thanks to alan
What odd things creep you out?
matresses, random peoples hairs on things, soggy vegetables, BET channel
Have you ever felt an earthquake?
Nope.
What do you do with the hot grease when you’re done cooking bacon?
splash it on my face and pour some down my pants
What's the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?
This question should be "whats the weirdest thing you've gotten in your eye" and the answer would be semen. haha just kidding. only not.
What color are your socks today?
White, for the first time in about seven years.
ones gumby and ones red argyle
What is your favorite word that starts with the letter G?
Guido Guerra <3
Who do you blame for your mood today?
god and casey owens haha
If Ricky Martin had a trademark what would it be?
Closeted homosexuality?
What is something scientists need to invent?
the cure to fat people
What is the closest object to your left foot?
the bottom of this chair
Who is your favorite Golden Girl?
myself, of course
Do you have an inside joke that has to do with numbers?
one little, two little, three.....
What is the longest amount of hours you have slept in a row?
like 16 one day, long before insomnia
How do ugly people make you feel?
at home
Where was your mother’s hometown?
Forest Hills
Where was your father’s hometown?
I don't know, is that bad?
What are the posters on your walls?
The Beatles, Family Guy, The amazing twister board, Walk The Line, Billy Joel, and a ton of others
Say two words that rhyme.
nick and prick
Do you use online terms in real life?
once, and then I slapped myself and swore never again
What do you think people think of you?
probably self depricating and sarcastic would be my guesses
Do you think this year will be better than the last?
well, I try to hope. stfu optimism
Who is the 1st person on your incoming call list and how do you feel about them? red= ♥
Incoming call list? Uh what?
Do you know who Salad Fingers Is?
i still do not know, though people never stop talking about it
What is the stupidest thing you have ever done?
Tried to rip off that cheeseburger from the argyle grill and tavern "thats mr asshole to you", and i took my clothes off in front of someone like carl -screams-
What is your favorite commercial of the moment?
Geico something or other, how sad is it that I have a favorite commerical?
What does it take to make you cry?
Not a lot anymore
What are you looking forward to?
i really don't know
Have you ever cried because you thought you were ugly?
no, surprisingly
Who did you kiss today?
NO ONE AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
What do you like to do when you are alone?
write, play piano, listen to music, play spyro
Who are your 2 favorite characters on Full House?
full house is god.
What is missing from your life?
love and love.
Would you be ashamed if you wore hippie clothes?
Share the love and mind altering drugs mannnnnn
Grab the closest book, what does the 7th sentence on the 23rd page say?
Theres no book around
When was the last time you slept with a stuffed animal?
Last NIght, n00b I am mature,
If it was your last day on earth what shoes would you wear?
chucks
Do you own a Super Nintendo?
Nope.
What do you think of Law and Order?
death on wheels, if liz makes me watch it one more time....
Can you name all 7 dwarfs?
nope
Have you ever pretended to be Jewish?
Fis it shameful if I say yes, but only for a laugh
What was the last thing you thought you lost, but ended up finding it?
my soul
What were you doing at midnight last night?
watching wedding crashers
If you had a ball of clay what would you mold it into?
haha, so many things...
What does your Milkshake bring to the yard?
obesity and heart disease
Do you have any famous relatives?
i don't think so..
Choose one:
Doug or Rugrats- I HATE YOU DOUG CVJHBVJH VJKHIHCVK. BUT, I'D STILL pick doug. why? i don't know.
Chicken nuggets or Chicken fingers- fingers
Pirates or Indians- oh man, pirates.
Pulp OJ or No Pulp OJ- no pulp
Drive or Ride Passenger- Ride.
Regular Hot Dogs or Cheesy Hot Dogs- Neither.
Beach or Pool- Beach.
Renting a movie or Going to the theater- rent, as said by taye diggs
Have you ever been cool enough to....
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator? no
Bake with an easy bake oven? oh man I had one of those
Gone to school when you didn’t remember you had the day off? aw man no
Jungle Boogied? oh yea, i do that every saturday
Ever owed a Spirograph? no
What was the last
TV show you watched? scrubs
Food you ate? pizza
Thing you bought? movie ticket
Thing someone bought you? pizza
Thing you laughed at? my mirror reflection
Person that spent the night at your house? casey
Thing that gave you chills? being raped by a dermatologist, but not chills in a good way
Song you sang out loud? something from RENT, idk
Time you ate ice cream? five seconds ago mr softee came and i was poor
Name 5 songs you have been playing a lot.
1. we looked like giants by death cab for cutie
2. -
3.
4. $
5.
1. YOUR PORN STAR NAME
(name of FIRST pet and street you grew up on)
Kimi GReen?
2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME
(grandparent of same gender's first name favorite snack):
oh shit man don't make me do this
3. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME
(first word you see on your left favorite restaurant):
FUCK YOU SURVEY
4. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME
(first initial Last three letters of your last name):
L PRO OMG I FINALLY USED IT IN A SENTENCE
5. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME
(favorite animal name of high school mascot):
ok, i refuse to do any more of these
6. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME
(middle name city where you were born):
shut
7. YOUR OPPOSITE SEX NAME
(name of sibling/parent [opposite sex] cell phone company you use):
the
8. YOUR DRAG QUEEN NAME
(name of favorite fruit, and current street you live on):
fuck
SPELL OUT YOUR NAME, USING ANIMALS:
up
HEIGHT: 5'1
HAIR COLOR: brown
EYE COLOR: brown
SHOE SIZE: 7
PIERCINGS: 2
TATTOOS: zero
PANTS YOU ARE WEARING?: jeans which are double cuffed, tacky, and loved,
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: bily joel, once again.
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: gum
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: sunny
HOW ARE YOU?: okay
WHATS ON YOUR MIND? why
d o - y o u:
GET MOTION SICKNESS?: sometimes
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: yes
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: most of the time
WANT CHILDREN?: no
f a v o r i t e s
TV SHOW: aqua teen
MAGAZINE: cosmo girl
MOVIE: rh
BOARD GAME: monopoly
MONTH: October
DAY OF THE WEEK: thursday
THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: sleep. how cliche.
h a v e - y o u
BROKEN THE LAW?: yes
RAN AWAY FROM HOME?: yea
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING?: no
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL?: yea
USED YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE?: no
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH?: no
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY?: in likw 2nd grade I was a killer whale, how fitting
DYED YOUR HAIR?: no
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER?: yes
BEEN IN LOVE?: no
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE?: yea
BEEN HURT?: yes
YOUR GREATEST REGRET?: having a lot of regrets
r a n d o m...
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS WHAT IN IT RIGHT NOW?: -thinks- probably something I made
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: razzle dazzle red
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?:HOLD ON CHRIS DEMAKES i"M COMING
LAST TIME YOU CRIED? AND WHY?: like a week ago
WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY?: died.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TOMORROW?: i think leslye
WHAT IS YOUR OCCUPATION?: student
WHAT INSPIRES YOU?: love, aka nothing right now
WHAT SCARES YOU?: not being able to overcome
WHAT SONG MAKES YOU CRY?:
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO BEFORE YOU GO TO BED?:
HOW MANY CITIES HAVE YOU LIVED IN?: one.
SO, i've been thinking. a lot more than usual, and I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing about myself that I like anymore. I guess the old saying "you have to learn to accept yourself before others will accept you" is really, really true. I don't like myself and I don't know why. I feel like this whole ordeal has blown a huge hole in my self esteem and that there is no way I'm ever going to be able to fill it up completely again. And eric if you're reading this I don't mean you, sorry. I feel like in all of this, I've been forced to grow up and accept the fact that there is not going to be anyone to hold my hand anymore, and sometimes there is no way to fix solutions except for waiting them out and letting the time go by.
In life right now, I'm kind of in a weird place. Way over my head with one person, and also this whole spring break I've been trying to get in touch with a lot of people I've fallen out with over the years instead of wasting my time in town every day.
I still think Lisa and Toby would be cute, and it is probably going to end up as the next mission in my sad life to get them back together. Liz and Pat as well, and leslye with someone or other. Speaking of Leslye, I should call her......
The time has gone by, not fast and not slow. Just gone by. It's been what? Six months. Time to get on with life Laura. Time to wake up. Time to accept. And I have accepted, but acception isn't what I thought it would be. I need to be happy, something I'm not and haven't been for a really long long long long long time.
I know, I know. Take a bike ride, enjoy the scenery, live life to the fullest and you will be happy. I'll settle for a visit to the dermatologist today, who made me strip and then looked down my bra, making me feel both obese and violated at the same time. This is great, the fact that the only action I get is a dermatologist prescribing me numerous medications for my malignant acne, as coYned by cynthia in 6th or 7th grade when she confided in her diary that I was "depressed with a case of malignant acne."
And hey, guess what, I'm still depressed with a case of malignant acne.
Will wonders never cease?
I'm tired of my shitty pathetic ramblings
All I need
is a haircut
my malignant acne to go away
two or three nameless people dead in a gutter
ice cream from mr softee
{a long term, boyfriend who lives nearby, doesn't pretend to love me (not accusing someone, they're just guidelines), has a decent taste in music, is reasonably attractive, doesn't indulge in substance abuse(the pantha), and is mildly entertaining}
a better outlook on life
&&&&& the philharmonic thing to go ok
and then I should be all set.
maybe.
If you've really read all of this so far, I commend you. Half of the time I don't even know what I'm talking about and I'm def. not going to read over all of this when I'm done. SO, congratulations. I just royally wasted a lot a lot a lot of your time. I think I'm going to end up putting this whole thing under a cut anways because its way too long.
I really, truly, sincerely need a vacation. SO badly. And here I am, on vacation, and nothing is any different. Coaching is tonight. Seeing gdjhfghvcgvgvcjkgcvjgcvjkgvjkvgjgvj goddammit I hate this.
EVEN MORE OF A WASTE OF YOUR TIME AND LIFE
So far who did you talk to the most today?
Lauren
What is the best name for a butler?
jeeves, as doug and I agreed during batman begins -throws computer across room)
What was your last weird encounter?
looking in the mirror this morning
What’s the weirdest story of one of your scars?
let's not even get into that
Do you remember the part from Bambi when Bambi learns to say bear?
No.
What color is your toothbrush?
green
What is your middle name spelled backwards?
nollaf stfu its a terrible name I know
Can you eat well with chopsticks?
yea, thanks to alan
What odd things creep you out?
matresses, random peoples hairs on things, soggy vegetables, BET channel
Have you ever felt an earthquake?
Nope.
What do you do with the hot grease when you’re done cooking bacon?
splash it on my face and pour some down my pants
What's the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?
This question should be "whats the weirdest thing you've gotten in your eye" and the answer would be semen. haha just kidding. only not.
What color are your socks today?
White, for the first time in about seven years.
ones gumby and ones red argyle
What is your favorite word that starts with the letter G?
Guido Guerra <3
Who do you blame for your mood today?
god and casey owens haha
If Ricky Martin had a trademark what would it be?
Closeted homosexuality?
What is something scientists need to invent?
the cure to fat people
What is the closest object to your left foot?
the bottom of this chair
Who is your favorite Golden Girl?
myself, of course
Do you have an inside joke that has to do with numbers?
one little, two little, three.....
What is the longest amount of hours you have slept in a row?
like 16 one day, long before insomnia
How do ugly people make you feel?
at home
Where was your mother’s hometown?
Forest Hills
Where was your father’s hometown?
I don't know, is that bad?
What are the posters on your walls?
The Beatles, Family Guy, The amazing twister board, Walk The Line, Billy Joel, and a ton of others
Say two words that rhyme.
nick and prick
Do you use online terms in real life?
once, and then I slapped myself and swore never again
What do you think people think of you?
probably self depricating and sarcastic would be my guesses
Do you think this year will be better than the last?
well, I try to hope. stfu optimism
Who is the 1st person on your incoming call list and how do you feel about them? red= ♥
Incoming call list? Uh what?
Do you know who Salad Fingers Is?
i still do not know, though people never stop talking about it
What is the stupidest thing you have ever done?
Tried to rip off that cheeseburger from the argyle grill and tavern "thats mr asshole to you", and i took my clothes off in front of someone like carl -screams-
What is your favorite commercial of the moment?
Geico something or other, how sad is it that I have a favorite commerical?
What does it take to make you cry?
Not a lot anymore
What are you looking forward to?
i really don't know
Have you ever cried because you thought you were ugly?
no, surprisingly
Who did you kiss today?
NO ONE AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
What do you like to do when you are alone?
write, play piano, listen to music, play spyro
Who are your 2 favorite characters on Full House?
full house is god.
What is missing from your life?
love and love.
Would you be ashamed if you wore hippie clothes?
Share the love and mind altering drugs mannnnnn
Grab the closest book, what does the 7th sentence on the 23rd page say?
Theres no book around
When was the last time you slept with a stuffed animal?
Last NIght, n00b I am mature,
If it was your last day on earth what shoes would you wear?
chucks
Do you own a Super Nintendo?
Nope.
What do you think of Law and Order?
death on wheels, if liz makes me watch it one more time....
Can you name all 7 dwarfs?
nope
Have you ever pretended to be Jewish?
Fis it shameful if I say yes, but only for a laugh
What was the last thing you thought you lost, but ended up finding it?
my soul
What were you doing at midnight last night?
watching wedding crashers
If you had a ball of clay what would you mold it into?
haha, so many things...
What does your Milkshake bring to the yard?
obesity and heart disease
Do you have any famous relatives?
i don't think so..
Choose one:
Doug or Rugrats- I HATE YOU DOUG CVJHBVJH VJKHIHCVK. BUT, I'D STILL pick doug. why? i don't know.
Chicken nuggets or Chicken fingers- fingers
Pirates or Indians- oh man, pirates.
Pulp OJ or No Pulp OJ- no pulp
Drive or Ride Passenger- Ride.
Regular Hot Dogs or Cheesy Hot Dogs- Neither.
Beach or Pool- Beach.
Renting a movie or Going to the theater- rent, as said by taye diggs
Have you ever been cool enough to....
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator? no
Bake with an easy bake oven? oh man I had one of those
Gone to school when you didn’t remember you had the day off? aw man no
Jungle Boogied? oh yea, i do that every saturday
Ever owed a Spirograph? no
What was the last
TV show you watched? scrubs
Food you ate? pizza
Thing you bought? movie ticket
Thing someone bought you? pizza
Thing you laughed at? my mirror reflection
Person that spent the night at your house? casey
Thing that gave you chills? being raped by a dermatologist, but not chills in a good way
Song you sang out loud? something from RENT, idk
Time you ate ice cream? five seconds ago mr softee came and i was poor
Name 5 songs you have been playing a lot.
1. we looked like giants by death cab for cutie
2. -
3.
4. $
5.
1. YOUR PORN STAR NAME
(name of FIRST pet and street you grew up on)
Kimi GReen?
2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME
(grandparent of same gender's first name favorite snack):
oh shit man don't make me do this
3. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME
(first word you see on your left favorite restaurant):
FUCK YOU SURVEY
4. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME
(first initial Last three letters of your last name):
L PRO OMG I FINALLY USED IT IN A SENTENCE
5. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME
(favorite animal name of high school mascot):
ok, i refuse to do any more of these
6. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME
(middle name city where you were born):
shut
7. YOUR OPPOSITE SEX NAME
(name of sibling/parent [opposite sex] cell phone company you use):
the
8. YOUR DRAG QUEEN NAME
(name of favorite fruit, and current street you live on):
fuck
SPELL OUT YOUR NAME, USING ANIMALS:
up
HEIGHT: 5'1
HAIR COLOR: brown
EYE COLOR: brown
SHOE SIZE: 7
PIERCINGS: 2
TATTOOS: zero
PANTS YOU ARE WEARING?: jeans which are double cuffed, tacky, and loved,
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: bily joel, once again.
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: gum
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: sunny
HOW ARE YOU?: okay
WHATS ON YOUR MIND? why
d o - y o u:
GET MOTION SICKNESS?: sometimes
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: yes
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: most of the time
WANT CHILDREN?: no
f a v o r i t e s
TV SHOW: aqua teen
MAGAZINE: cosmo girl
MOVIE: rh
BOARD GAME: monopoly
MONTH: October
DAY OF THE WEEK: thursday
THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: sleep. how cliche.
h a v e - y o u
BROKEN THE LAW?: yes
RAN AWAY FROM HOME?: yea
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING?: no
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL?: yea
USED YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE?: no
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH?: no
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY?: in likw 2nd grade I was a killer whale, how fitting
DYED YOUR HAIR?: no
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER?: yes
BEEN IN LOVE?: no
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE?: yea
BEEN HURT?: yes
YOUR GREATEST REGRET?: having a lot of regrets
r a n d o m...
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS WHAT IN IT RIGHT NOW?: -thinks- probably something I made
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: razzle dazzle red
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?:HOLD ON CHRIS DEMAKES i"M COMING
LAST TIME YOU CRIED? AND WHY?: like a week ago
WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY?: died.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TOMORROW?: i think leslye
WHAT IS YOUR OCCUPATION?: student
WHAT INSPIRES YOU?: love, aka nothing right now
WHAT SCARES YOU?: not being able to overcome
WHAT SONG MAKES YOU CRY?:
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO BEFORE YOU GO TO BED?:
HOW MANY CITIES HAVE YOU LIVED IN?: one.