Here's a long one for you.
It's 3:25 in the morning as I start this. I've had coffee so I'm not even close to tired. It's come to my attention that I have yet to let a lot of people know about this, and I hope that by typing the entire story up I might at least get a little bit tired. Plus by posting this here, I'm free from ridicule. At least, I hope I am.
My relationship with Spencer has ended.
On a Sunday, two days before school started, he signed on and I began talking with him. Then he said that he had to leave for a freshman orientation dance and that he would be back later. The moment he left I felt lonely. I expressed this feeling to Kylie and she comforted me. At the time I thought that it would be a good idea to just keep it from Spencer, to just deal with it. Then he signed back on.
I continued talking with him. It was a very broken conversation, pauses everywhere. Then it...I don't know, slipped? That's probably not the right word. Basically I just decided to tell him how I was feeling. I told him how I had been feeling kind of lonely and ignored, and how I had been hoping to spend that evening talking to him.
And then things just started snowballing from there. He said, "Wow, four days into this and we're already having issues." To which I said, "We're not having issues, I'm having issues." And then he said, "No, we're having issues." So then he explained that he'd been being really flirtatious with people while he had been up there. I told him that flirting didn't really mean much of anything, at least not from him seeing as he's generally a very flirtatious person. He told me that it was going overboard, though, that he'd been too outgoing with people. So I told him that if he felt that his behavior was inappropriate he should just stop. Apparently that wasn't good enough for him, though.
He continued on, saying that he thought he was being that way because the distance was already bothering him. At this point I was pretty much calling down every curse imaginable upon myself for saying anything to begin with. I pointed out to him that we'd both already agreed that the distance was going to be hard, but that we had agreed to try and see it through. Then he seemed to start getting frustrated and almost angry.
His speech (or text seeing as we were talking online at the time) got more...emotional, I guess. He started talking about how he thought he could change his needs, which I said was kind of a silly thing to think. In hindsight that was a bad thing to say, because he shot me this really nasty comment that was something like, "Oh, so now you're telling me what I should think, huh?" I quickly retracted what I'd said and he moved on to another issue: me not being the right person for him.
That's where I got angry. Really angry. I'd invested a month and a half into this, including a few other things that I'm not going to mention here, and I'd hoped that this was going somewhere. I felt used and lied to, like I'd been given the impression that things were running smoothly. Apparently they weren't, because Spencer was still making up his mind whether I was what he wanted. He actually phrased it like that, as well. "I just don't know whether you're what I want or not." So not only did I feel used and lied to, I also felt like I'd been completely demoralized. I wasn't a human being with feelings and needs; I was a piece of meat being disected and weighed. Sickening from my standpoint. Still, I tried to calm myself as much as possible and steered the conversation towards a place where I felt more in control.
I suggest that we try to come up with some sort of compromize. His feeling was that he wasn't going to be able to see me until the Holidays. That was a strange assumption for me to hear because I thought he and I had agreed that he would be coming home for Halloween. To that he said, "Well it's not like I can come home every weekend." I told him that I realized that and didn't expect that of him, and that I would be more than willing to go up there from time to time. That wouldn't work for him though. He kept avoiding and avoiding every compromise that I came up with until finally I burst and said, "Look, this is an issue and it needs to be fixed." To that he said the two sentences that I will probably be burned into my mind forever.
"This isn't an issue.
This is the end."
There was a long pause following this rather lame yet finite statement in which I just stared in awe. I felt like I was running towards a friend that I had been searching for with difficulty for a very long time and then finally when I found them and was running towards them, they smirked at me and threw a wall up in my face. I realized what this meant: no more negotiations. He wasn't going to agree to anything because he didn't want to agree to anything. For whatever reason, he didn't want to talk about things, so he was cutting me off. That part hurt the most. That he could hurt me so blatantly and seemingly without care was without a doubt the biggest betrayal I've ever felt. In response I said, "Spencer, I think you're a really great guy. I really like you. But I don't think I can be with someone who isn't going to try and work issues out." After that we cleared things up, made sure each other knew what would be happening for awhile (I told him that it would be some time before I could talk to him again) and then we said goodbye. And just like that, he was out of my life. Above all else, Kylie knows how much potential I saw with him, and it all came crashing down right then on that Sunday night.
My feelings since then have fluxuated. There have been times where I've felt so bad that just seeing someone I thought was attractive would hurt me. There have been times where I've been so angry that I've wanted to call him and yell at him for all of the stuff that's happened. Hanging out with people gives me temporary release from both of those extremes, as does watching comedic videos on google and youtube. But everytime Spencer comes up, whether it's in conversation with someone or just in my mind, I revert back to one of those extremes. It's always one or the other, never anything inbetween.
And there's nothing else I can talk about. I'll leave it with some lyrics; a tribute to tradition, I suppose, although they do have relevance to my place in life right now.
Imogen Heap: Hide and Seek
where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking, feeling
spin me 'round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first
oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the take over,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears
they were here first
ooom what d'ya say,
emmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
ooom what d'ya say,
emmm that's all for the best?
of course it is
emmm what d'ya say?
hmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
mmmm what d'ya say?
hmmm what did she say?
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
midsweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling
no, i don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
midsweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
(hide and seek)
speak no feeling
no, I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
My relationship with Spencer has ended.
On a Sunday, two days before school started, he signed on and I began talking with him. Then he said that he had to leave for a freshman orientation dance and that he would be back later. The moment he left I felt lonely. I expressed this feeling to Kylie and she comforted me. At the time I thought that it would be a good idea to just keep it from Spencer, to just deal with it. Then he signed back on.
I continued talking with him. It was a very broken conversation, pauses everywhere. Then it...I don't know, slipped? That's probably not the right word. Basically I just decided to tell him how I was feeling. I told him how I had been feeling kind of lonely and ignored, and how I had been hoping to spend that evening talking to him.
And then things just started snowballing from there. He said, "Wow, four days into this and we're already having issues." To which I said, "We're not having issues, I'm having issues." And then he said, "No, we're having issues." So then he explained that he'd been being really flirtatious with people while he had been up there. I told him that flirting didn't really mean much of anything, at least not from him seeing as he's generally a very flirtatious person. He told me that it was going overboard, though, that he'd been too outgoing with people. So I told him that if he felt that his behavior was inappropriate he should just stop. Apparently that wasn't good enough for him, though.
He continued on, saying that he thought he was being that way because the distance was already bothering him. At this point I was pretty much calling down every curse imaginable upon myself for saying anything to begin with. I pointed out to him that we'd both already agreed that the distance was going to be hard, but that we had agreed to try and see it through. Then he seemed to start getting frustrated and almost angry.
His speech (or text seeing as we were talking online at the time) got more...emotional, I guess. He started talking about how he thought he could change his needs, which I said was kind of a silly thing to think. In hindsight that was a bad thing to say, because he shot me this really nasty comment that was something like, "Oh, so now you're telling me what I should think, huh?" I quickly retracted what I'd said and he moved on to another issue: me not being the right person for him.
That's where I got angry. Really angry. I'd invested a month and a half into this, including a few other things that I'm not going to mention here, and I'd hoped that this was going somewhere. I felt used and lied to, like I'd been given the impression that things were running smoothly. Apparently they weren't, because Spencer was still making up his mind whether I was what he wanted. He actually phrased it like that, as well. "I just don't know whether you're what I want or not." So not only did I feel used and lied to, I also felt like I'd been completely demoralized. I wasn't a human being with feelings and needs; I was a piece of meat being disected and weighed. Sickening from my standpoint. Still, I tried to calm myself as much as possible and steered the conversation towards a place where I felt more in control.
I suggest that we try to come up with some sort of compromize. His feeling was that he wasn't going to be able to see me until the Holidays. That was a strange assumption for me to hear because I thought he and I had agreed that he would be coming home for Halloween. To that he said, "Well it's not like I can come home every weekend." I told him that I realized that and didn't expect that of him, and that I would be more than willing to go up there from time to time. That wouldn't work for him though. He kept avoiding and avoiding every compromise that I came up with until finally I burst and said, "Look, this is an issue and it needs to be fixed." To that he said the two sentences that I will probably be burned into my mind forever.
"This isn't an issue.
This is the end."
There was a long pause following this rather lame yet finite statement in which I just stared in awe. I felt like I was running towards a friend that I had been searching for with difficulty for a very long time and then finally when I found them and was running towards them, they smirked at me and threw a wall up in my face. I realized what this meant: no more negotiations. He wasn't going to agree to anything because he didn't want to agree to anything. For whatever reason, he didn't want to talk about things, so he was cutting me off. That part hurt the most. That he could hurt me so blatantly and seemingly without care was without a doubt the biggest betrayal I've ever felt. In response I said, "Spencer, I think you're a really great guy. I really like you. But I don't think I can be with someone who isn't going to try and work issues out." After that we cleared things up, made sure each other knew what would be happening for awhile (I told him that it would be some time before I could talk to him again) and then we said goodbye. And just like that, he was out of my life. Above all else, Kylie knows how much potential I saw with him, and it all came crashing down right then on that Sunday night.
My feelings since then have fluxuated. There have been times where I've felt so bad that just seeing someone I thought was attractive would hurt me. There have been times where I've been so angry that I've wanted to call him and yell at him for all of the stuff that's happened. Hanging out with people gives me temporary release from both of those extremes, as does watching comedic videos on google and youtube. But everytime Spencer comes up, whether it's in conversation with someone or just in my mind, I revert back to one of those extremes. It's always one or the other, never anything inbetween.
And there's nothing else I can talk about. I'll leave it with some lyrics; a tribute to tradition, I suppose, although they do have relevance to my place in life right now.
Imogen Heap: Hide and Seek
where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking, feeling
spin me 'round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first
oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the take over,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears
they were here first
ooom what d'ya say,
emmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
ooom what d'ya say,
emmm that's all for the best?
of course it is
emmm what d'ya say?
hmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
mmmm what d'ya say?
hmmm what did she say?
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
midsweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling
no, i don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
midsweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
(hide and seek)
speak no feeling
no, I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit