looong entry
I'm here in Hope, Indiana. I have no idea where or when I am meeting my friend Carole, Ms. Historian. Right now I'm parked at the high school. I'm writing this entry just before I launch into work on my midterm.
I just walked a mile and a half or so around the cemetery I found here in town. Being an INFJ, I am extremely sensitive, so it wasn't quite the best idea when I've previously been on an emotional high this morning.
It's been so long since I've gotten to take a soul-searching road trip. This is turning out to be a good one.
I drove faster than I have ever driven in my life this morning. Being a vegetarian, cattle trucks have always fazed me. On I-70 this morning, right around Dayton, one started following me, and it was going about 85-90 MPH. The truck passed me, and a cow had its head sticking out the side. Well, that I couldn't deal with. It did not help any that on the back of the trailer it said "Last Ride." So, I had to get away, and fast! I got ahead, and the jerk caught up to me - he had to be doing over 100. He decided he was going to try to pass me again, and so this time I pushed it to 85 and got out of there. My top speed was about 92; thankfully the roads were empty, both of other vehicles and cops. I got to Indiana and decided I would take 40 West instead of 70, since the pace would be a little slower. I got to drive through lots of old little towns, many with buildings from the 1700s! Richmond was particularly beautiful, the old houses were gorgeous!
By the time I got here, I had finished off the better part of a caramel frappuccino, so I needed to burn some energy. I wanted to find a park so I could aimlessly wander in circles, but all I found was the cemetery. The cemetery is huge. There are some really old headstones, which were fascinating. I was doing fine, until I saw the grave of a mother and her 1 year old daughter that were killed in a car accident. (The headstone was complete with a photo.) That turned on the waterworks, at least on slow-drip. After that certain things kept triggering it - a 3 year-old with a stuffed elephant on his grave, a 38 year-old bachelor, a married couple where the husband was about 10 years older than the wife and she lived (and is still alive) nearly 30 years without him, and it goes on... The best headstone was that of a husband and wife - they had their dogs engraved on the back - Boomer, Booger, Buster, and something else. The back of the stone said "Married 39 years - and it's a hoot!" Wow... that's one way to go!
The therapeutic qualities of driving (at least when not having to outrun an obnoxious cattletruck driver) have always made me feel better. There was a little piece of me that just wanted to say that I'll forget life back in Ohio, change my identity, and move to some little town like this. I don't know what I'd do - teach maybe? Life is just so difficult - the misery of school and not fitting in, the never-ending ordeals of being in love (or not), and the struggle to figure out who you are and why God put you on this earth - the answers are out there, but they feel so out of reach.
At the beginning of this year, my life began to fall apart. I started to despise school, I started having problems with my BF/fiance' of 10 years (yeah, and we've never once "crossed the line," because that's my morals), and I started to feel so much anger towards the people who perceivedly "ruined" all the musical passion in my heart.
Not too long ago I met a guy. He's just a guy - nothing extraordinary about him - at least not on a prima facie level. I got the privilege of getting to know him, and he makes every guy I've ever thought I loved, including the 2 Js in my life, pale by comparison. I thought I was so smart, that I knew all there was to know about love. I knew 5 years into my relationship that I had met a different guy whom I "fell in love" with. I thought that it would never work, and I still loved J, so I ignored those feelings hounding at me all that time. Now, things are different.
The new guy makes me feel whole. They say that love comes to you when it is least expected, and boy, where I found this love, I wasn't expecting it! In fact, it was an accident, and only came about because I was sitting in the right place at the right time, quite literally! To be honest, I've known of this person's existence for almost 10 years, and boy I NEVER in a million years would have thought he'd end up seeming to be the man of my dreams... he's the LAST person I would have named, literally! I saw the boy, and I had no idea who he was, but he caught my eye right away - tall, handsome, and sad. Something made me look at him in wonder - and then I found out who he was. Now, I know him. I can't imagine anyone more perfect for me - we're both slightly antisocial, we're both INFJs, we are both very intelligent and like to be alone, we both have love of the same things - music, psychology, even some political subjects. I feel differently now than I ever have, and this road trip has brought these thoughts to the forefront of my mind.
Back to reality, this is why I want to leave and run away. I want to leave all these people behind me, those who have caused hurt, those who have caused me to end up in a miserable state, and he who draws me to him inexplicably so that I could never summon the courage to tell him I care and won't hurt him.
Here I am, in Hope, Indiana. Tomorrow morning I'll be back home in class. The daydreams of escape will be nothing more than a cloudy fantasy, and I will have to face the reality of my life - pain, hard work, and love - even if it is lack thereof.
Enough depression, geez, I've been on an emotional high for a few weeks, and I don't want to abruptly end it like this! I'm now parked on the main drag close to town. On the amusing front, Norlan Bewley, this euphonium player, just came and parked in front of me. I saw that the car was from Dayton, so I wondered. Surely enough, it was Norlan. He looked at me a little funny, and then as he was walking away, turned and looked at the back of my car. I have no plates yet (just a special permit tag for "2BALAW") and a big green tuba decal! It must be the sticker that got him. He played quartet with my ugrad teacher Joel, and he knows Jason and Dave - as well as Tony obviously. I'm amused - it's a small world! Now I can wait for other Ohio tuba (and euphonium) players to filter in... WHILE I write this midterm, goshdarnit!