Fic: Beautifully Wrong (14/14)
Media: Fic
Title: Beautifully Wrong
Author: Luca
Rating: NC-17
Characters: ftm!Blaine, Kurt, Blaine's parents, Cooper, Sebastian, Trent, various ND members, non-major OCs.
Spoilers: Up to 3.22 to be safe. Canon up to 3.05 and largely canon compliant beyond that (with some notable exceptions), but necessarily AU because of the subject matter.
Warnings (this part): Transphobia. The words "The end" :p
Word count (this part): 9500
Summary: Blaine is FtM (female to male transgender) and no one at McKinley knows about it, but he realizes this has to change if he wants his relationship with Kurt to survive. This fic explores different aspects of Blaine's transition and how it affects his relationships with those closest to him.
A/N: So here we are. Final chapter. I'm not sure what say here except a giant "THANK YOU" too all of you who have made writing and posting this story such a wonderful experience. Please accept a giant cyber-hug. :) Lyrics are from Fighter.
[Long-ass A/N about PDFs and sequels.]Also: I will be posting a re-edited and re-organized pdf-version of the fic. Most notably there are now 31 chapters instead of 14 (so no more "pt. 1" etc.) but I've also fixed a few typos and words/phrases that bothered me. If you're interested you can head on over to the BW masterpost on Tumblr (edit: or the LJ masterpost) where there's a link.
Finally: A number of you have expressed interest in seeing more from this universe, so here's a small update on that. Basically I haven't decided anything 100% but I feel like I will probably write more in this universe at some point. The most likely thing is that I'll write a series of one-shots (I'll be applying to schools for next fall and I really do need to focus on some of my original stories, so just can't commit to doing a full sequel). They would be a mix of pre- and post-BW (and during?), exploring various issues/characters/other. I already have a few ideas lined up, but if you have anything specific you would like me to explore, feel free to message me; I can't promise I'll do anything with it, but I'd love to hear your thoughts. :)
Also available on: FanFiction.net // Scarves&Coffee // Tumblr //
MASTERPOST
Chapter 14
That much stronger
78 days
February turned to March the week after Regionals, and all at once it hit Blaine just how close his surgery was. Counting the days out on his calendar, he realized that he had less than a hundred days left. A lot less. Blaine's stomach did an excited backflip. Seventy-eight days to be exact. It was still over two months, yes, but when he compared it to the six years he had lived with chest dysphoria, it almost seemed like nothing.
That night, before going to sleep, Blaine ripped off the first sheet of paper on his newly made countdown calendar, smiling at the new number that appeared on the sheet beneath it, written in large, neat numbers and letters. 77 days now.
.
76 days
On the first Sunday of March, Blaine turned eighteen, and so the night before, he threw a party at his house with all of New Directions and every Warbler invited. While not everyone could make it, there still ended up being almost thirty people at his house that night, a fact his mom was none too happy about, but Blaine insisted that he couldn't leave anyone off the invite list, because both choirs represented an important part of him.
The presence of both the Warblers and the New Directions in a casual setting proved strange for everyone at first, each group keeping mostly to themselves, and Blaine wondered for a while if he had made a mistake in bringing his two worlds together - if maybe they weren't meant to coexist anywhere but inside him - but then Nick took the plunge and asked Sugar to dance, which seemed to break everyone's hesitation and mistrust, and pretty soon Blaine's old friends were mingling with his new ones as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
Later, when they had devoured about a dozen large pizzas collectively, there was more music and dancing, and eventually they turned off the stereo, instead taking turns to provide the music themselves. There were mini singing competitions with teams formed by random criteria such as "people who are wearing red" or "people who are only children." There was a game of Truth Or Dare that Blaine wasn't sure after whether he wanted to preserve in or cleanse from his mind forever. There was laughter and chatter and good-natured teasing from the New Directions about having beat the Warblers once more. Eventually exhaustion hit Blaine, and he collapsed into the sofa, letting Kurt wrap his arms around him, content to just let the rest of the night pass by him in one big happy blur.
.
75 days
The grandfather clock in the living room struck midnight just as the door closed behind the last party guest. The only person remaining was Kurt, who had been given permission to stay the night, and Blaine turned to him now. 'That was fun,' he said through a tired but genuine smile.
'I know,' Kurt said. 'And inviting the Warblers was a great idea. I'm surprised how well everyone got along.'
'Yes.' Blaine smiled. 'Even you and Sebastian.'
'I'd call it civil,' Kurt said somewhat stiffly.
'I'd call that a great start,' Blaine countered gently.
Kurt made a face, Sebastian clearly still not his favorite person. 'Why did you decide to be friends with him again?' he asked as they both headed up the stairs. 'No one would say you owed it to him.'
'I know I don't,' Blaine said. 'But forgiveness isn't about owing or deserving. It's about moving forward in the best way possible.' Blaine pushed open the door to the bathroom, lowering his voice as he continued, because his mom was sleeping in the next room. 'I think he's genuinely trying now, and who am I to discourage that? And there's enough hate in the world as it is.'
Kurt rolled his eyes fondly, and Blaine looked at him in bemusement. Kurt gave a small smile, and as he leaned across to grab his toothbrush from the cup on the sink, he placed a gentle kiss on Blaine's cheek. 'I love you.'
.
A short while later the two of them were in Blaine's bedroom, Blaine watching idly from the bed while Kurt finished his skincare routine.
'It won't be the same next year, will it?' Blaine said, breaking the silence that had fallen between them.
'What won't, honey?' Kurt asked from his place in front of the mirror.
'Birthdays and stuff. There'll only be a few of us left here, and everyone else will be scattered all over the country.' Blaine picked at a loose thread in his bedding. 'You'll be in New York...'
'So everyone comes back for a reunion,' Kurt said, screwing the cap on his final product. He turned and walked over to join Blaine on the bed. 'We're a family.'
'People can't come back every time it's someone's birthday.'
Kurt opened his mouth, looking for a moment like he wanted to argue the truth of Blaine's words, but then he closed it again. He gave a small, almost imperceptible shake of the head. 'Anyway, it's a whole year away, let's not worry just yet.'
Blaine looked away. 'Actually, it's only a few months away.'
'Okay, but it's not now,' Kurt said, touching Blaine's hand and making Blaine look around again. 'Right now it's well past midnight, and it's officially your birthday.' A mischievous smile played on Kurt's lips, a smile that made Blaine appreciate that they were behind closed doors. 'Time for your present, birthday boy.'
Blaine quirked an eyebrow. Kurt had already given him his present several hours ago along with everyone else.
Kurt shifted on the bed, moving further into Blaine's space, and his eyes followed his hand up the sleeves of Blaine's pajamas, touch feather-light. His eyes were dark and his voice was low when he spoke again, 'I meant the one you can't open in front of other people.'
Blaine made an involuntary noise in his throat, and in one smooth movement he maneuvered Kurt onto his back and himself on top of him. Blaine let his hands roam Kurt's torso appreciatively as he moved further and further down, stopping when his face was inches from Kurt's crotch, hands resting on his belt. Blaine smirked and hummed low in his throat. 'Mm, happy birthday to me.'
.
66 days
Blaine smiled when he pulled into the driveway and saw that his dad's car was parked there. Home again then. His dad had returned home briefly to attend the New Directions' Regionals performance, but he had left again so quickly that Blaine hadn't really had a chance to speak to him, so he felt like it had been much longer than a couple of weeks since he had seen his dad.
He practically skipped to the front door and unlocked it quickly. At first glance the house appeared quiet, but Blaine spotted his dad's shoes in the hall and knew that he must be around somewhere. He made quick work of shedding his own shoes and jacket and was just about to proceed upstairs when his eyes were drawn to a piece of paper lying on the small table where keys and mail were usually discarded.
Blaine stepped closer, letting his school bag slip off his shoulder to the floor. Picking up the item from the table and inspecting it more closely, he found that it was an invitation to a christening. The paper was creased in places and the folds were old, which had to mean that the invitation had arrived some time ago. On top of it it, however, was a newer-looking post-it note with two words in his mom's handwriting. Call Andrew.
Blaine frowned, confused as to what his uncle had to do with a christening, but found his answer when he lifted the post-it note and read the text it covered. The invitation was from Blaine's cousin, Katie, and her husband, which made the child in question Andrew's grandchild. His second grandchild; Blaine vividly remembered the christening of the Katie's first child. He had been a few months shy of fifteen, and while he had not been keen on going, he had gone because his dad's family was the kind where you attended that sort of event whether you wanted to or not. Because it was proper or something. Blaine sighed. And now another one.
Except there was no way that he or his parents could make it to this one, he realized suddenly as he read and re-read the date. May twentieth. They would all be in San Francisco then, Blaine recovering from surgery. For half a second Blaine felt relieved that he wouldn't have to go to another of those stupid events and pretend to like everyone, but then he re-read his mom's note, and suddenly the words sounded ominous. Call Andrew.
.
63 days
Three days later Blaine and his parents were gathered around the table in the kitchen. Blaine had been invited to Kurt's house for Friday night dinner, but his dad had insisted that he stay home tonight, and a few bites into his meal, Blaine realized why.
'I have news,' his dad said, making both Blaine and his mom look up. 'I got the promotion! They just announced it today.'
'Dad, that's great,' Blaine said, smiling. Finally they could be a little bit more like a normal family. 'When do you start?'
'April, so in a few weeks. And no more getting back on the road. It's all family dinners from now on,' his dad said, smiling and indicating the meal they were currently sharing. 'And what with you off to college in a year and a half, the raise won't exactly be unwelcome either.'
'That's fantastic, dear,' his mom said, but there was no joy in her voice, and Blaine looked around to find her smile stiff. 'Mommy will be so proud.'
His dad's smile froze. 'Grace, please. Not now.'
'That's your response to everything, isn't it?' Blaine's mom snapped. '"Not now." You've been telling your family your family "not now" for thirty years. Heaven forbid you'd have to actually deal with them, right?' At her last words, Blaine's mom put down her knife and fork with a clatter and stood up, taking her plate with her even though they had just barely sat down.
'That's easy for you to say,' his dad shot at her back. 'Your family is different.'
Blaine looked back and forth between his parents, confused. Hadn't they been celebrating his dad's promotion a moment ago? 'Guys, what...'
'Sweetie, perhaps you should go to your room,' his mom said, appearing at his side and reaching for Blaine's plate.
'No, I'm not finished,' Blaine said, pushing her hand away. 'And I'm old enough to know what's going on, even- especially if it's about me.'
'What makes you think it's about you?' his dad said.
Blaine gave him a wry smile. 'Isn't it always?' The silence that followed only confirmed Blaine's suspicion. 'You told Uncle Andrew why we can't come to that christening, right?'
'How did-' His dad shook his head. Clearly, how Blaine knew was not important right now. 'I did.'
'And he told Grandma?'
His dad worried his lip for a second. 'Pretty much.'
Blaine grimaced and continued in a would-be bored voice, 'And now she's threatening to disinherit you or something.'
'Well, nothing quite that extreme,' his dad said, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. 'But she's worried. In her own way.'
There was a loud noise by the sink as Blaine's mom put down her glass suddenly and turned around, looking livid. 'Oh my god, John, stop it. Stop defending her.'
'I'm not, I'm just-'
'She threatened to call social services,' his mom said, voice shaking.
'He's eighteen, nothing would happen.'
'That's not the point!' she yelled. 'Point is you barely defended yourself or your son. How long are you going to let this continue?'
Blaine kept quiet, but found himself wondering the same thing.
.
48 days
Blaine shut the door behind himself and Kurt, and a moment later he collapsed on his bed. He lay there for a moment, looking tiredly up at the ceiling.
'Am I imagining things,' Kurt said, 'or was that dinner really, really tense?'
'You're not imagining it,' Blaine said and propped himself up on his elbows to look at Kurt. 'My grandmother called again today. Mom's not happy.'
'Is she still going on about your surgery?'
'Yep,' Blaine said with more nonchalance than he felt. 'Apparently my desire to have top surgery is akin to wanting to cut off your own foot.'
Kurt rolled his eyes. 'People are idiots.'
'That they are,' Blaine said as he sat up and slid off the bed. He moved over to his desk where his countdown calendar stood propped up against his computer. Next to it in a neat pile lay the sheets he had ripped off this month. He liked to keep them around and look at them sometimes to remind himself how far he had already come.
'You know,' Kurt said as he came up behind Blaine, wrapping his arms around Blaine's middle, and Blaine melted into the touch. 'There are apps for this sort of thing.'
Blaine smiled and picked up the calendar. 'I know, but I like it being a real, physical thing where I get to rip off another sheet every day.' He brought his fingers to the paper, slowly tracing the number 48 as he spoke. 'It makes me feel like I'm not just watching and waiting, but actively participating.' Blaine gave sheepish shrug. 'I don't know, it's silly, I guess.'
Blaine made to put the calendar back, but Kurt took it from him. 'No, no. I think I get it.' Blaine turned around to find Kurt grinning at him and waving the calendar. 'Maybe I should make one of these for myself. You know, for New York? Except I don't really have an exact date of course.'
Blaine bit his lip, watching Kurt's excited expression. Then he took the calendar from Kurt and put it carefully back on the desk before taking a few steps back, putting some space between himself and Kurt. 'Okay, I'm gonna say something, because you're always telling me how I need to be more open about how I feel and such.'
'Of course,' Kurt said, closing the gap between them and taking Blaine's hand. 'You can tell me anything.'
'I just don't want to sound like a selfish jerk here, so don't take this the wrong way.' Blaine moved to sit on the bed, his hand slipping out of Kurt's as he went. 'I'm not trying to- I'm just trying to explain what it feels like from where I'm standing. Or' - Blaine indicated the bed - 'sitting, I suppose.'
'Okay.' Kurt sat on the bed next to Blaine. 'Did I miss the actual thing in there somewhere?'
Blaine smiled carefully. 'No, it's coming.' He took a deep breath and looked up into Kurt's eyes. Might as well do this properly. 'I get that you're excited about New York. It's where you need to be, and you absolutely should be excited about going. I just-' Blaine averted his eyes, searching for the right words. 'Sometimes I feel like you're excited about leaving me behind, or at least that it doesn't bother you much.'
'Oh. Oh, no.' Kurt shifted on the bed to more properly face Blaine. 'Honey, no.'
'I know you said you don't want to break up, but... that's all you've said.' Blaine couldn't stop the emotion from welling up inside him now that he was saying it out loud. 'You don't seem to want to talk about it, but it's a whole year, Kurt. A whole year where I'm here, and you're there, but you don't seem worried at all.'
Kurt regarded Blaine for a long moment. Then he smiled softly and took Blaine's hand in his. 'I'm not worried. Because I love you, and if there's one thing I've learned in the past four months, it's that we make things work regardless of anything that's thrown at us. But...' - Kurt moved again, this time crawling up to the head of the bed and leaning against the headboard. He extended his arms, indicating that Blaine should join him, and Blaine did so happily, melting into Kurt's arms. 'If it's bothering you, we can talk about it. We'll figure it out, I promise.'
.
37 days
Stifling a yawn, Blaine stepped into the kitchen, going straight for the coffee pot, but almost stopped short at the sight of his dad sitting at the kitchen table. 'Oh. Morning,' he said through another yawn.
'Morning, buddy,' his dad said. He pointed over his shoulder, keeping his eyes on the piece of paper he was reading. 'Coffee's fresh.'
'Thanks,' Blaine said and moved to grab himself a cup, shaking his head a little at the fact that after a week and a half, he still hadn't quite gotten used to sharing his morning routine with his dad. 'Mom gone already?'
'Mm-hm. Early meeting.'
'Right, of course,' Blaine said, before taking his first precious sip of coffee and turning to regard his dad. He liked these mornings, he had decided. He liked his dad's stories about office life, which Blaine returned with updates about how he was faring in school and how the other kids were treating him (still the odd look or comment, but by and large his peers left him alone).
Today, however, his dad seemed distracted and not in his usual good mood, so Blaine kept quiet and focused his thoughts on deciding on something for breakfast.
'She cannot be serious,' his dad muttered then, breaking the silence and making Blaine look around.
'What?' Blaine asked, abandoning his thoughts of breakfast and sitting down at the table to see what his dad was looking at. He was holding a brightly-colored leaflet in his hand, and Blaine's eyes widened when he saw the words on the front. 'Bible camp? Who sent that?'
His dad gave a small, mirthless smile. 'Guess.'
'Grandma?'
'Bingo.'
Blaine eyed the lengthy letter that lay on the table on front of his dad. 'What does she say?'
'Nothing you need to worry about,' his dad said, picking up the letter and folding it up.
'Dad,' Blaine said, voice even.
His dad looked at him for a long moment, but Blaine stared back, unrelenting. 'Fine. I guess you're old enough to decide for yourself.' Blaine's dad handed him the letter, which had Blaine narrowing his eyes in dislike within two sentences. 'The gist of it is that she spoke to the people in charge of this camp, and they'd be willing to "work with you."'
Blaine forced a laugh. 'Wow, that's nice of them.'
'I'm sorry, Blaine. You shouldn't have to deal with this.' His dad's warm hand came to rest on Blaine's arm. Blaine kept his eyes on the letter. 'I wish I could just shut them all out of my life, but it's not that easy with family. You understand that, right?'
'Yeah, I do. But...' Blaine bit his lip. 'You're not going to let them convince you, are you?' Blaine scanned the letter again, his eyes drawn to words and phrases like "granddaughter" and "only out of concern," reading them over and over. 'You won't change your mind about the surgery?'
'No,' his dad said. He gripped Blaine's arm a little tighter until Blaine finally looked up. 'No, okay? I'd really rather that they all learn to accept it, but if they don't, they don't. You're having that surgery.'
'Right, okay,' Blaine said. He released a soft breath of air and smiled. 'Just checking.'
.
32 days
'Admit it,' Kurt said as he and Blaine exited Kurt's car and walked towards their destination. 'Whitney Week is ten times better than Michael Week.'
Blaine laughed, endeared by Kurt's enthusiasm. 'Aside from the fact that it doesn't take much to top a week where I was nearly blinded and fell out with some of my oldest friends, let's just see where this one goes. It's only Monday.'
'Fine, be all boring and reasonable,' Kurt said as he pushed open the door to Between The Sheets, making the bell ding. 'But you'll agree with me on Friday. Besides, aren't I always right?'
Blaine grinned and opened his mouth to make a witty retort, but was cut off by his phone ringing. He frowned at the display. 'Huh. It's not local.'
Kurt shrugged. 'Probably some telemarketer.'
Blaine hit the "answer" button, expecting to be able to brush off whoever it was quickly. 'Hello?'
'Hello, Amber.'
'G-Grandma?' Blaine said, watching as Kurt's eyebrows shot up. Blaine covered the phone with his hand and spoke in a low voice, 'You go ahead. I'll be right there.'
Kurt looked like he wanted to protest, but did as asked, and Blaine moved into the shop a little, finding a quiet corner where he hoped he wouldn't bother anyone. When he brought the phone up to his ear again, his grandmother was talking seriously at him, and he realized that he hadn't taken in a single word beyond the first two. Not that he couldn't guess.
'...and you need- Are you even listening to me, Amber?'
'My name is Blaine,' he said through gritted teeth.
'It says Amber on your birth certificate, you silly girl,' his grandmother snapped.
'Actually it doesn't. Not anymore,' Blaine pointed out.
'That's hardly the point.'
'You just-' Blaine made a frustrated sound in his throat. He turned around, eyes scanning the shop for Kurt, and he found him, out of earshot but there, and the thought grounded Blaine. To know that his grandmother was just a voice on the other end of a phone that he could hang up at any time. He forced a polite tone when he spoke again, 'What do you want?'
'This ridiculous surgery that you're planning,' she said, and already Blaine was struggling to keep his cool. 'Since your father seems unable to talk sense into you-'
'He's not unable to, he's not trying.'
'Watch your tone with me, young lady.'
'I'm not a lady!' Blaine yelled and several people turned to stare at him. Kurt, who had been chatting to a blonde boy in glasses, looked over as well, a concerned look on his face. Blaine made a dismissive gesture with his hand before turning into the corner, continuing in a lower voice, 'When are you going to understand that?'
'I understand that you have a real problem. I don't know what happened to make you feel like this but, sweetheart, this can't go on.' His grandmother's voice shook with emotion suddenly. 'You need help.'
'No, I don't.' Blaine's voice trembled also, not because he doubted his own words, but because his grandmother still did. 'Look, I know this doesn't fit your world view, but I'm not asking you to join the pride parade. I'm just asking you to accept that Amber's gone. There is no Amber. There's just Blaine, but he's just as much your grandchild as Amber was. Please, just try. You should at least want to try. This is who I am.'
'Who you are is a girl,' his grandmother said, the emotion gone again. 'That is a fact. And this elaborate game of pretend doesn't change that.'
'You're the one pretending, Grandma,' Blaine said, losing his patience. 'Who's so desperately clinging on to what's normal. And for what? I'm happy like this. Why is that not enough?'
The pause that followed Blaine's words was long, and time seemed to slow down as Blaine allowed himself a snapshot of the moment - the bustling of the customers around him, the classical music playing on a stereo somewhere, Kurt over there, in conversation with some guy and glancing Blaine's way every few seconds - because maybe this was the moment when his grandmother finally accepted him, and he would want to remember that forever.
'It's just not right,' his grandmother said finally. And just like that time was moving at regular speed again.
'Well, that is just the winning argument right there,' Blaine said, something inside him snapping. 'You've opened my eyes. I see now. I am a girl, wow.'
'This isn't a joke.'
'No, it's not. It's really not.' Blaine turned and his eyes found Kurt again. He was browsing the music and making what looked like polite conversation with that same blonde boy. 'I think we're done here, Grandma.'
'Wait. This surgery-'
'Goodbye.' Blaine ended the call and stood for a few moments, breathing shakily. Why did he always get his hopes up? He shook his head a little and moved towards Kurt just as the boy he had been talking to turned and left. 'Hey,' he said when he reached Kurt's side.
Kurt turned towards him. 'Hey. Everything okay?'
'Yeah, it's fine. Or,' Blaine corrected himself, 'it's not fine, really. More of the same, you know. But I am. I'm fine.' Blaine nodded towards the boy who was now browsing another section of the shop. 'Who was that?'
'Oh, just some guy. Chandler something.' Kurt cocked his head. 'Actually, I think he might have been coming on to me.'
'Well, can you blame him?' Blaine ran his fingers lightly down Kurt's arm. 'You're gorgeous. So what'd you say?'
Kurt smiled. 'I pointed to you, and told him that I'm very happily taken. And' - Kurt turned back towards the rows of sheet music and spent a moment filing through them before he found what he was looking for - 'it made me think of the perfect Whitney song for us.'
'Us? A duet?' Blaine said, smiling and reaching for the sheet music in Kurt's hand. 'Do tell.'
Kurt handed it to Blaine, giving a coy smile. 'All The Man That I Need.'
.
Continued in this post.
Title: Beautifully Wrong
Author: Luca
Rating: NC-17
Characters: ftm!Blaine, Kurt, Blaine's parents, Cooper, Sebastian, Trent, various ND members, non-major OCs.
Spoilers: Up to 3.22 to be safe. Canon up to 3.05 and largely canon compliant beyond that (with some notable exceptions), but necessarily AU because of the subject matter.
Warnings (this part): Transphobia. The words "The end" :p
Word count (this part): 9500
Summary: Blaine is FtM (female to male transgender) and no one at McKinley knows about it, but he realizes this has to change if he wants his relationship with Kurt to survive. This fic explores different aspects of Blaine's transition and how it affects his relationships with those closest to him.
A/N: So here we are. Final chapter. I'm not sure what say here except a giant "THANK YOU" too all of you who have made writing and posting this story such a wonderful experience. Please accept a giant cyber-hug. :) Lyrics are from Fighter.
[Long-ass A/N about PDFs and sequels.]Also: I will be posting a re-edited and re-organized pdf-version of the fic. Most notably there are now 31 chapters instead of 14 (so no more "pt. 1" etc.) but I've also fixed a few typos and words/phrases that bothered me. If you're interested you can head on over to the BW masterpost on Tumblr (edit: or the LJ masterpost) where there's a link.
Finally: A number of you have expressed interest in seeing more from this universe, so here's a small update on that. Basically I haven't decided anything 100% but I feel like I will probably write more in this universe at some point. The most likely thing is that I'll write a series of one-shots (I'll be applying to schools for next fall and I really do need to focus on some of my original stories, so just can't commit to doing a full sequel). They would be a mix of pre- and post-BW (and during?), exploring various issues/characters/other. I already have a few ideas lined up, but if you have anything specific you would like me to explore, feel free to message me; I can't promise I'll do anything with it, but I'd love to hear your thoughts. :)
Also available on: FanFiction.net // Scarves&Coffee // Tumblr //
MASTERPOST
Chapter 14
That much stronger
78 days
February turned to March the week after Regionals, and all at once it hit Blaine just how close his surgery was. Counting the days out on his calendar, he realized that he had less than a hundred days left. A lot less. Blaine's stomach did an excited backflip. Seventy-eight days to be exact. It was still over two months, yes, but when he compared it to the six years he had lived with chest dysphoria, it almost seemed like nothing.
That night, before going to sleep, Blaine ripped off the first sheet of paper on his newly made countdown calendar, smiling at the new number that appeared on the sheet beneath it, written in large, neat numbers and letters. 77 days now.
.
76 days
On the first Sunday of March, Blaine turned eighteen, and so the night before, he threw a party at his house with all of New Directions and every Warbler invited. While not everyone could make it, there still ended up being almost thirty people at his house that night, a fact his mom was none too happy about, but Blaine insisted that he couldn't leave anyone off the invite list, because both choirs represented an important part of him.
The presence of both the Warblers and the New Directions in a casual setting proved strange for everyone at first, each group keeping mostly to themselves, and Blaine wondered for a while if he had made a mistake in bringing his two worlds together - if maybe they weren't meant to coexist anywhere but inside him - but then Nick took the plunge and asked Sugar to dance, which seemed to break everyone's hesitation and mistrust, and pretty soon Blaine's old friends were mingling with his new ones as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
Later, when they had devoured about a dozen large pizzas collectively, there was more music and dancing, and eventually they turned off the stereo, instead taking turns to provide the music themselves. There were mini singing competitions with teams formed by random criteria such as "people who are wearing red" or "people who are only children." There was a game of Truth Or Dare that Blaine wasn't sure after whether he wanted to preserve in or cleanse from his mind forever. There was laughter and chatter and good-natured teasing from the New Directions about having beat the Warblers once more. Eventually exhaustion hit Blaine, and he collapsed into the sofa, letting Kurt wrap his arms around him, content to just let the rest of the night pass by him in one big happy blur.
.
75 days
The grandfather clock in the living room struck midnight just as the door closed behind the last party guest. The only person remaining was Kurt, who had been given permission to stay the night, and Blaine turned to him now. 'That was fun,' he said through a tired but genuine smile.
'I know,' Kurt said. 'And inviting the Warblers was a great idea. I'm surprised how well everyone got along.'
'Yes.' Blaine smiled. 'Even you and Sebastian.'
'I'd call it civil,' Kurt said somewhat stiffly.
'I'd call that a great start,' Blaine countered gently.
Kurt made a face, Sebastian clearly still not his favorite person. 'Why did you decide to be friends with him again?' he asked as they both headed up the stairs. 'No one would say you owed it to him.'
'I know I don't,' Blaine said. 'But forgiveness isn't about owing or deserving. It's about moving forward in the best way possible.' Blaine pushed open the door to the bathroom, lowering his voice as he continued, because his mom was sleeping in the next room. 'I think he's genuinely trying now, and who am I to discourage that? And there's enough hate in the world as it is.'
Kurt rolled his eyes fondly, and Blaine looked at him in bemusement. Kurt gave a small smile, and as he leaned across to grab his toothbrush from the cup on the sink, he placed a gentle kiss on Blaine's cheek. 'I love you.'
.
A short while later the two of them were in Blaine's bedroom, Blaine watching idly from the bed while Kurt finished his skincare routine.
'It won't be the same next year, will it?' Blaine said, breaking the silence that had fallen between them.
'What won't, honey?' Kurt asked from his place in front of the mirror.
'Birthdays and stuff. There'll only be a few of us left here, and everyone else will be scattered all over the country.' Blaine picked at a loose thread in his bedding. 'You'll be in New York...'
'So everyone comes back for a reunion,' Kurt said, screwing the cap on his final product. He turned and walked over to join Blaine on the bed. 'We're a family.'
'People can't come back every time it's someone's birthday.'
Kurt opened his mouth, looking for a moment like he wanted to argue the truth of Blaine's words, but then he closed it again. He gave a small, almost imperceptible shake of the head. 'Anyway, it's a whole year away, let's not worry just yet.'
Blaine looked away. 'Actually, it's only a few months away.'
'Okay, but it's not now,' Kurt said, touching Blaine's hand and making Blaine look around again. 'Right now it's well past midnight, and it's officially your birthday.' A mischievous smile played on Kurt's lips, a smile that made Blaine appreciate that they were behind closed doors. 'Time for your present, birthday boy.'
Blaine quirked an eyebrow. Kurt had already given him his present several hours ago along with everyone else.
Kurt shifted on the bed, moving further into Blaine's space, and his eyes followed his hand up the sleeves of Blaine's pajamas, touch feather-light. His eyes were dark and his voice was low when he spoke again, 'I meant the one you can't open in front of other people.'
Blaine made an involuntary noise in his throat, and in one smooth movement he maneuvered Kurt onto his back and himself on top of him. Blaine let his hands roam Kurt's torso appreciatively as he moved further and further down, stopping when his face was inches from Kurt's crotch, hands resting on his belt. Blaine smirked and hummed low in his throat. 'Mm, happy birthday to me.'
.
66 days
Blaine smiled when he pulled into the driveway and saw that his dad's car was parked there. Home again then. His dad had returned home briefly to attend the New Directions' Regionals performance, but he had left again so quickly that Blaine hadn't really had a chance to speak to him, so he felt like it had been much longer than a couple of weeks since he had seen his dad.
He practically skipped to the front door and unlocked it quickly. At first glance the house appeared quiet, but Blaine spotted his dad's shoes in the hall and knew that he must be around somewhere. He made quick work of shedding his own shoes and jacket and was just about to proceed upstairs when his eyes were drawn to a piece of paper lying on the small table where keys and mail were usually discarded.
Blaine stepped closer, letting his school bag slip off his shoulder to the floor. Picking up the item from the table and inspecting it more closely, he found that it was an invitation to a christening. The paper was creased in places and the folds were old, which had to mean that the invitation had arrived some time ago. On top of it it, however, was a newer-looking post-it note with two words in his mom's handwriting. Call Andrew.
Blaine frowned, confused as to what his uncle had to do with a christening, but found his answer when he lifted the post-it note and read the text it covered. The invitation was from Blaine's cousin, Katie, and her husband, which made the child in question Andrew's grandchild. His second grandchild; Blaine vividly remembered the christening of the Katie's first child. He had been a few months shy of fifteen, and while he had not been keen on going, he had gone because his dad's family was the kind where you attended that sort of event whether you wanted to or not. Because it was proper or something. Blaine sighed. And now another one.
Except there was no way that he or his parents could make it to this one, he realized suddenly as he read and re-read the date. May twentieth. They would all be in San Francisco then, Blaine recovering from surgery. For half a second Blaine felt relieved that he wouldn't have to go to another of those stupid events and pretend to like everyone, but then he re-read his mom's note, and suddenly the words sounded ominous. Call Andrew.
.
63 days
Three days later Blaine and his parents were gathered around the table in the kitchen. Blaine had been invited to Kurt's house for Friday night dinner, but his dad had insisted that he stay home tonight, and a few bites into his meal, Blaine realized why.
'I have news,' his dad said, making both Blaine and his mom look up. 'I got the promotion! They just announced it today.'
'Dad, that's great,' Blaine said, smiling. Finally they could be a little bit more like a normal family. 'When do you start?'
'April, so in a few weeks. And no more getting back on the road. It's all family dinners from now on,' his dad said, smiling and indicating the meal they were currently sharing. 'And what with you off to college in a year and a half, the raise won't exactly be unwelcome either.'
'That's fantastic, dear,' his mom said, but there was no joy in her voice, and Blaine looked around to find her smile stiff. 'Mommy will be so proud.'
His dad's smile froze. 'Grace, please. Not now.'
'That's your response to everything, isn't it?' Blaine's mom snapped. '"Not now." You've been telling your family your family "not now" for thirty years. Heaven forbid you'd have to actually deal with them, right?' At her last words, Blaine's mom put down her knife and fork with a clatter and stood up, taking her plate with her even though they had just barely sat down.
'That's easy for you to say,' his dad shot at her back. 'Your family is different.'
Blaine looked back and forth between his parents, confused. Hadn't they been celebrating his dad's promotion a moment ago? 'Guys, what...'
'Sweetie, perhaps you should go to your room,' his mom said, appearing at his side and reaching for Blaine's plate.
'No, I'm not finished,' Blaine said, pushing her hand away. 'And I'm old enough to know what's going on, even- especially if it's about me.'
'What makes you think it's about you?' his dad said.
Blaine gave him a wry smile. 'Isn't it always?' The silence that followed only confirmed Blaine's suspicion. 'You told Uncle Andrew why we can't come to that christening, right?'
'How did-' His dad shook his head. Clearly, how Blaine knew was not important right now. 'I did.'
'And he told Grandma?'
His dad worried his lip for a second. 'Pretty much.'
Blaine grimaced and continued in a would-be bored voice, 'And now she's threatening to disinherit you or something.'
'Well, nothing quite that extreme,' his dad said, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. 'But she's worried. In her own way.'
There was a loud noise by the sink as Blaine's mom put down her glass suddenly and turned around, looking livid. 'Oh my god, John, stop it. Stop defending her.'
'I'm not, I'm just-'
'She threatened to call social services,' his mom said, voice shaking.
'He's eighteen, nothing would happen.'
'That's not the point!' she yelled. 'Point is you barely defended yourself or your son. How long are you going to let this continue?'
Blaine kept quiet, but found himself wondering the same thing.
.
48 days
Blaine shut the door behind himself and Kurt, and a moment later he collapsed on his bed. He lay there for a moment, looking tiredly up at the ceiling.
'Am I imagining things,' Kurt said, 'or was that dinner really, really tense?'
'You're not imagining it,' Blaine said and propped himself up on his elbows to look at Kurt. 'My grandmother called again today. Mom's not happy.'
'Is she still going on about your surgery?'
'Yep,' Blaine said with more nonchalance than he felt. 'Apparently my desire to have top surgery is akin to wanting to cut off your own foot.'
Kurt rolled his eyes. 'People are idiots.'
'That they are,' Blaine said as he sat up and slid off the bed. He moved over to his desk where his countdown calendar stood propped up against his computer. Next to it in a neat pile lay the sheets he had ripped off this month. He liked to keep them around and look at them sometimes to remind himself how far he had already come.
'You know,' Kurt said as he came up behind Blaine, wrapping his arms around Blaine's middle, and Blaine melted into the touch. 'There are apps for this sort of thing.'
Blaine smiled and picked up the calendar. 'I know, but I like it being a real, physical thing where I get to rip off another sheet every day.' He brought his fingers to the paper, slowly tracing the number 48 as he spoke. 'It makes me feel like I'm not just watching and waiting, but actively participating.' Blaine gave sheepish shrug. 'I don't know, it's silly, I guess.'
Blaine made to put the calendar back, but Kurt took it from him. 'No, no. I think I get it.' Blaine turned around to find Kurt grinning at him and waving the calendar. 'Maybe I should make one of these for myself. You know, for New York? Except I don't really have an exact date of course.'
Blaine bit his lip, watching Kurt's excited expression. Then he took the calendar from Kurt and put it carefully back on the desk before taking a few steps back, putting some space between himself and Kurt. 'Okay, I'm gonna say something, because you're always telling me how I need to be more open about how I feel and such.'
'Of course,' Kurt said, closing the gap between them and taking Blaine's hand. 'You can tell me anything.'
'I just don't want to sound like a selfish jerk here, so don't take this the wrong way.' Blaine moved to sit on the bed, his hand slipping out of Kurt's as he went. 'I'm not trying to- I'm just trying to explain what it feels like from where I'm standing. Or' - Blaine indicated the bed - 'sitting, I suppose.'
'Okay.' Kurt sat on the bed next to Blaine. 'Did I miss the actual thing in there somewhere?'
Blaine smiled carefully. 'No, it's coming.' He took a deep breath and looked up into Kurt's eyes. Might as well do this properly. 'I get that you're excited about New York. It's where you need to be, and you absolutely should be excited about going. I just-' Blaine averted his eyes, searching for the right words. 'Sometimes I feel like you're excited about leaving me behind, or at least that it doesn't bother you much.'
'Oh. Oh, no.' Kurt shifted on the bed to more properly face Blaine. 'Honey, no.'
'I know you said you don't want to break up, but... that's all you've said.' Blaine couldn't stop the emotion from welling up inside him now that he was saying it out loud. 'You don't seem to want to talk about it, but it's a whole year, Kurt. A whole year where I'm here, and you're there, but you don't seem worried at all.'
Kurt regarded Blaine for a long moment. Then he smiled softly and took Blaine's hand in his. 'I'm not worried. Because I love you, and if there's one thing I've learned in the past four months, it's that we make things work regardless of anything that's thrown at us. But...' - Kurt moved again, this time crawling up to the head of the bed and leaning against the headboard. He extended his arms, indicating that Blaine should join him, and Blaine did so happily, melting into Kurt's arms. 'If it's bothering you, we can talk about it. We'll figure it out, I promise.'
.
37 days
Stifling a yawn, Blaine stepped into the kitchen, going straight for the coffee pot, but almost stopped short at the sight of his dad sitting at the kitchen table. 'Oh. Morning,' he said through another yawn.
'Morning, buddy,' his dad said. He pointed over his shoulder, keeping his eyes on the piece of paper he was reading. 'Coffee's fresh.'
'Thanks,' Blaine said and moved to grab himself a cup, shaking his head a little at the fact that after a week and a half, he still hadn't quite gotten used to sharing his morning routine with his dad. 'Mom gone already?'
'Mm-hm. Early meeting.'
'Right, of course,' Blaine said, before taking his first precious sip of coffee and turning to regard his dad. He liked these mornings, he had decided. He liked his dad's stories about office life, which Blaine returned with updates about how he was faring in school and how the other kids were treating him (still the odd look or comment, but by and large his peers left him alone).
Today, however, his dad seemed distracted and not in his usual good mood, so Blaine kept quiet and focused his thoughts on deciding on something for breakfast.
'She cannot be serious,' his dad muttered then, breaking the silence and making Blaine look around.
'What?' Blaine asked, abandoning his thoughts of breakfast and sitting down at the table to see what his dad was looking at. He was holding a brightly-colored leaflet in his hand, and Blaine's eyes widened when he saw the words on the front. 'Bible camp? Who sent that?'
His dad gave a small, mirthless smile. 'Guess.'
'Grandma?'
'Bingo.'
Blaine eyed the lengthy letter that lay on the table on front of his dad. 'What does she say?'
'Nothing you need to worry about,' his dad said, picking up the letter and folding it up.
'Dad,' Blaine said, voice even.
His dad looked at him for a long moment, but Blaine stared back, unrelenting. 'Fine. I guess you're old enough to decide for yourself.' Blaine's dad handed him the letter, which had Blaine narrowing his eyes in dislike within two sentences. 'The gist of it is that she spoke to the people in charge of this camp, and they'd be willing to "work with you."'
Blaine forced a laugh. 'Wow, that's nice of them.'
'I'm sorry, Blaine. You shouldn't have to deal with this.' His dad's warm hand came to rest on Blaine's arm. Blaine kept his eyes on the letter. 'I wish I could just shut them all out of my life, but it's not that easy with family. You understand that, right?'
'Yeah, I do. But...' Blaine bit his lip. 'You're not going to let them convince you, are you?' Blaine scanned the letter again, his eyes drawn to words and phrases like "granddaughter" and "only out of concern," reading them over and over. 'You won't change your mind about the surgery?'
'No,' his dad said. He gripped Blaine's arm a little tighter until Blaine finally looked up. 'No, okay? I'd really rather that they all learn to accept it, but if they don't, they don't. You're having that surgery.'
'Right, okay,' Blaine said. He released a soft breath of air and smiled. 'Just checking.'
.
32 days
'Admit it,' Kurt said as he and Blaine exited Kurt's car and walked towards their destination. 'Whitney Week is ten times better than Michael Week.'
Blaine laughed, endeared by Kurt's enthusiasm. 'Aside from the fact that it doesn't take much to top a week where I was nearly blinded and fell out with some of my oldest friends, let's just see where this one goes. It's only Monday.'
'Fine, be all boring and reasonable,' Kurt said as he pushed open the door to Between The Sheets, making the bell ding. 'But you'll agree with me on Friday. Besides, aren't I always right?'
Blaine grinned and opened his mouth to make a witty retort, but was cut off by his phone ringing. He frowned at the display. 'Huh. It's not local.'
Kurt shrugged. 'Probably some telemarketer.'
Blaine hit the "answer" button, expecting to be able to brush off whoever it was quickly. 'Hello?'
'Hello, Amber.'
'G-Grandma?' Blaine said, watching as Kurt's eyebrows shot up. Blaine covered the phone with his hand and spoke in a low voice, 'You go ahead. I'll be right there.'
Kurt looked like he wanted to protest, but did as asked, and Blaine moved into the shop a little, finding a quiet corner where he hoped he wouldn't bother anyone. When he brought the phone up to his ear again, his grandmother was talking seriously at him, and he realized that he hadn't taken in a single word beyond the first two. Not that he couldn't guess.
'...and you need- Are you even listening to me, Amber?'
'My name is Blaine,' he said through gritted teeth.
'It says Amber on your birth certificate, you silly girl,' his grandmother snapped.
'Actually it doesn't. Not anymore,' Blaine pointed out.
'That's hardly the point.'
'You just-' Blaine made a frustrated sound in his throat. He turned around, eyes scanning the shop for Kurt, and he found him, out of earshot but there, and the thought grounded Blaine. To know that his grandmother was just a voice on the other end of a phone that he could hang up at any time. He forced a polite tone when he spoke again, 'What do you want?'
'This ridiculous surgery that you're planning,' she said, and already Blaine was struggling to keep his cool. 'Since your father seems unable to talk sense into you-'
'He's not unable to, he's not trying.'
'Watch your tone with me, young lady.'
'I'm not a lady!' Blaine yelled and several people turned to stare at him. Kurt, who had been chatting to a blonde boy in glasses, looked over as well, a concerned look on his face. Blaine made a dismissive gesture with his hand before turning into the corner, continuing in a lower voice, 'When are you going to understand that?'
'I understand that you have a real problem. I don't know what happened to make you feel like this but, sweetheart, this can't go on.' His grandmother's voice shook with emotion suddenly. 'You need help.'
'No, I don't.' Blaine's voice trembled also, not because he doubted his own words, but because his grandmother still did. 'Look, I know this doesn't fit your world view, but I'm not asking you to join the pride parade. I'm just asking you to accept that Amber's gone. There is no Amber. There's just Blaine, but he's just as much your grandchild as Amber was. Please, just try. You should at least want to try. This is who I am.'
'Who you are is a girl,' his grandmother said, the emotion gone again. 'That is a fact. And this elaborate game of pretend doesn't change that.'
'You're the one pretending, Grandma,' Blaine said, losing his patience. 'Who's so desperately clinging on to what's normal. And for what? I'm happy like this. Why is that not enough?'
The pause that followed Blaine's words was long, and time seemed to slow down as Blaine allowed himself a snapshot of the moment - the bustling of the customers around him, the classical music playing on a stereo somewhere, Kurt over there, in conversation with some guy and glancing Blaine's way every few seconds - because maybe this was the moment when his grandmother finally accepted him, and he would want to remember that forever.
'It's just not right,' his grandmother said finally. And just like that time was moving at regular speed again.
'Well, that is just the winning argument right there,' Blaine said, something inside him snapping. 'You've opened my eyes. I see now. I am a girl, wow.'
'This isn't a joke.'
'No, it's not. It's really not.' Blaine turned and his eyes found Kurt again. He was browsing the music and making what looked like polite conversation with that same blonde boy. 'I think we're done here, Grandma.'
'Wait. This surgery-'
'Goodbye.' Blaine ended the call and stood for a few moments, breathing shakily. Why did he always get his hopes up? He shook his head a little and moved towards Kurt just as the boy he had been talking to turned and left. 'Hey,' he said when he reached Kurt's side.
Kurt turned towards him. 'Hey. Everything okay?'
'Yeah, it's fine. Or,' Blaine corrected himself, 'it's not fine, really. More of the same, you know. But I am. I'm fine.' Blaine nodded towards the boy who was now browsing another section of the shop. 'Who was that?'
'Oh, just some guy. Chandler something.' Kurt cocked his head. 'Actually, I think he might have been coming on to me.'
'Well, can you blame him?' Blaine ran his fingers lightly down Kurt's arm. 'You're gorgeous. So what'd you say?'
Kurt smiled. 'I pointed to you, and told him that I'm very happily taken. And' - Kurt turned back towards the rows of sheet music and spent a moment filing through them before he found what he was looking for - 'it made me think of the perfect Whitney song for us.'
'Us? A duet?' Blaine said, smiling and reaching for the sheet music in Kurt's hand. 'Do tell.'
Kurt handed it to Blaine, giving a coy smile. 'All The Man That I Need.'
.
Continued in this post.