Fic: Beautifully Wrong (1A/12)
Media: Fic
Title: Beautifully Wrong
Author: Luca
Rating: NC-17 (overall and to be safe - most of it stays in PG-13 territory)
Characters: ftm!Blaine, Kurt, Blaine's parents, Cooper, Sebastian, Trent, various ND members, non-major OCs.
Spoilers: Up to 3.22 to be safe. Canon up to 3.05 and largely canon compliant beyond that (with some notable exceptions), but necessarily AU because of the subject matter.
Warnings (this part): Angst, underage drinking, mild sexuality
Word count (this chapter): 11.000
Summary: Blaine is FtM (female to male transgender) and no one at McKinley knows about it, but he realizes this has to change if he wants his relationship with Kurt to survive. This fic explores different aspects of Blaine's transition and how it affects his relationships with those closest to him.
This chapter: Blaine makes a realization about his relationship with Kurt, and he meets Sebastian. Drinking ensues.
Author's note: Lyrics from Tonight and Uptown Girl. Normally I wouldn't bother to change the pronoun, but in this particular instance it made me uncomfortable to keep it as it was. Also, to clarify: You might notice I removed Karofsky from the bar scene, and in fact he isn't referenced at all in the entire fic. Nothing against the character, he just didn't fit in here. Thank you lunarocks14 for betaing, you are awesome.
PREVIOUS CHAPTERS
Prologue
Today all day I had the feeling
(When he's talking)
Kurt didn't know. No one did. Or rather no one besides the people that couldn't notknow. There was Blaine's family obviously: His parents and Cooper; aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents. Then there was Blaine's doctors and therapist, who oversaw his treatment. All those were unavoidable. School administrations at Blaine's first high school, at Dalton and now at McKinley had also been told, which was necessary for certain allowances to be made (Blaine didn't shower with the rest of the boys after P.E. and he was excused from certain field trips). Trent was the only one of Blaine's peers who knew, and then only because him having been Blaine's roommate at Dalton sort necessitated it. Blaine supposed there was also the kids at the high school in Columbus, where he had spent his first freshman year. It had been nearly three years since he had seen any of them, though, so they didn't really count, and in fact Blaine preferred not to think about those kids at all.
So as far as his day-to-day life was concerned, Blaine was, to all intents and purposes, what was known as "stealth", and he liked it that way. He knew that it was unfair not to include Kurt as one of the people who knew. It was just that telling all those people had been literally quite unavoidable, and telling Kurt - though the morally right thing to do - wasn't. Blaine had been on hormones for two and half years, which meant that as long as he took certain precautions, like binding his chest and avoiding communal showers, no one would ever suspect that he wasn't biologically male. And with this being the first relationship for the both of them, Kurt and Blaine had agreed from the start to take things slow physically and Kurt hadn't pushed (Blaine sure hadn't) so keeping that part of himself hidden hadn't been difficult for Blaine.
It wasn't that Blaine had ever planned on entering a relationship with anyone without first telling them the truth - least of all with Kurt who meant so indescribably much Blaine, not only as a boyfriend but as a friend. But then he and Kurt had just sort of happened without planning or forethought. Of course, looking back, Blaine could see it happening over weeks and months, could see himself falling harder and harder with every day that passed, but he had tried so hard to keep himself at a distance, focusing so much of his energy on that, that when he couldn't anymore, there was no plan ready in his mind. There was just Kurt, Kurt, Kurt and Tomorrow. I'll tell him tomorrow.
It was Artie of all people who made Blaine stop and take stock of the situation.
It had been nearly a month since the full cast list for McKinley's production of West Side Story had been posted, and now the premiere was less than a week away. However, Artie (as the eager young director) was still not satisfied with certain aspects of the show and on Friday afternoon he pulled his leads aside to run through a number of the songs. As Blaine and Rachel's voices rang through the auditorium with the final note of Tonight, Blaine was feeling quite happy with their performance, confident even - but then the words "sexual awakening" left Artie's mouth and Blaine tensed, sure he wasn't going to like the rest of the conversation. And as Artie continued to talk about passion and sex and first times, somehow not finding the topic remotely inappropriate, Blaine found he was right.
It wasn't that Blaine put much, if any, stock in Artie's idea that that one specific experience could really make or break anyone's performance. Rather he was caught uncomfortably off guard by the whole thing. His awkward 'I'm waiting for the right time,' in response to the inquiry about his first time, was only half-true, because the truth was that Blaine hadn't been waiting as much as he had ignored the topic of sex and physical intimacy altogether. Now that it been brought brutally back to the forefront of his mind, however, and Blaine was hit with the sudden realization that he and Kurt were coming up on their ninth month together and there was only so much longer Kurt would be satisfied with what they had now, Blaine had to face the fact that he may very well be running out of time.
'Well, that's me done.' Kurt closed his textbook with a loud snap, which Blaine, sitting cross-legged on the bed with his nose in a book, barely registered. He felt the mattress dip as Kurt joined him on the bed, but kept his eyes trained on the book in his lap. 'How's yours coming? You done soon?'
'Mmm,' Blaine non-responded, having not really heard the question.
'Well, get cracking then.' Kurt patted Blaine's leg teasingly. 'The whole point of this was that we'd have some alone time when we're done. I don't think Artie's gonna let us sleep this weekend, let alone have social lives, so we gotta make tonight count.' Kurt paused for a moment before continuing, his voice high and breathless. 'I can't believe we open next week. Feels like they just cast us last week. I think we've all worked hard though, and we're ready. Or we will be by Thursday. I feel ready. Do you feel ready?'
'Mm, yeah, sure,' Blaine said distractedly, still not looking up.
'But then I thought I might not do the play at all, and just move to Alaska and work in a gold mine.'
'Yeah, good... wait, what?' Blaine finally looked up, frowning at Kurt's words, to find his boyfriend looking at him with a bemused sort of expression.
'There you are.' Kurt smiled and leaned over to press a soft kiss to Blaine's cheek. 'Thought I'd lost you for a second.'
'I'm sorry.' Blaine exhaled deeply and leaned back against the headboard. 'But you said it yourself. I just need to finish this chapter for History and then I'm all yours.'
Kurt's eyes narrowed as he took the book from Blaine and examined it briefly. 'Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is Algebra, Blaine. Also, you haven't turned the page in at least ten minutes.' Kurt threw the book aside on the bed and shifted himself so he was sitting directly in front of Blaine, his hands resting on Blaine's knees. 'What's going on? Are you okay?'
'No. Yeah. It's fine, really.' Blaine closed his eyes for a brief moment, suddenly so tired. 'Just something Artie said earlier. It's nothing.'
'What did he say?' Kurt's eyes narrowed and his tone was dangerous as though he would like nothing more than to get his hands on Artie.
'Nothing really.' Blaine waved a dismissive hand. 'Just a director's note. You know how he is. It's nothing.'
'It's not nothing if it's got you all worked up like this,' Kurt said.
'Honestly, Kurt, it's fine. Don't worry. I'm just overreacting.' Blaine paused as Kurt kept eyeing him skeptically. 'Really. It's nothing. I shouldn't've even told you.'
'You know, Blaine, there's only so many times you can say "it's nothing" before it starts to mean the opposite. What did Artie say? Was he being rude or out of line or...?'
Blaine bit his lip as Kurt watched him from the bed, his eyes big and earnest. Blaine's heart hammered as he considered the possibility of just telling Kurt the truth here and now. It's just that he mentioned sex, and I'm scared to even bring that up with you, because the truth is I'm transgender, so my body doesn't look like other boys' and I'm afraid of what that will do to our relationship when you find out. Blaine let out a breath he had been holding a little while longer than usual.
'No, he wasn't. It was just-' Blaine cut himself off when he heard the front door slam downstairs. Saved by the bell. 'Hold on, that's my mom. I just gotta...' Blaine grabbed something off his bedside table and waved it in front of Kurt as though that was an explanation. 'Be right back.' And before Kurt could do much more than look frustrated, Blaine had left the bedroom faster than if it had been on fire.
He found his mother downstairs, still in the hall, hanging her coat. Something about the speed and swiftness of her movements let Blaine know that, while she may be home for the night, her work day wasn't over. She was probably headed straight to her computer.
'Hi Mom,' Blaine said softly, coming to a halt at the bottom step. She wheeled around to face him, an expression of mild surprise on her face. It was an expression Blaine's mother wore a lot around her youngest, as though she kept forgetting he was in the house too. Blaine supposed she was just still getting used to having him home after two years at Dalton, but sometimes, when a dark mood struck him, Blaine wondered if maybe she hoped he would just go away again, or grow up already and go to college or something.
'Hi sweetie, you're home. Have a nice day?' she asked, but her voice was breathless and Blaine could tell that her mind was elsewhere and she was really just feigning interest, so he decided to cut to the chase.
'Yeah, it was fine. I got your tickets today. Best seats in the house.' Blaine beamed as he held out the thin pieces of papers in his hand. 'I know Dad isn't due home for another two weeks, but I got one for him as well. Just in case.'
Blaine shrugged and gestured again for his mother to take the tickets. She accepted them, but when she examined them her face fell and she sucked in a breath and made a noise of regret.
'It's on Thursday? Blaine, sweetie, I'm sorry, but I can't come. I have a huge meeting on Thursday. It's impossible to reschedule at this point.'
'But Mom,' Blaine pleaded, his heart sinking. 'I worked hard on this. I- It's the lead role. I really wanted you there.'
'I know, I'm sorry,' she replied sympathetically but Blaine didn't miss the defensive edge to her voice as she went on. 'But you know what my job is like. You can't just spring these things on me last minute. You have to tell me ahead of time, so I can work my schedule around it.'
'I did.' Blaine's voice was quiet as he spoke and he hugged his arms around himself. 'Last month. When I first got cast. I did tell you.'
'You did?' She bit her lip. Clearly this was news to her. 'I must not have had my calendar with me, and it slipped my mind.'
Blaine let out a short humorless laugh. 'It slipped your mind... Meanwhile Rachel's parents have been running lines with her every night. They're both coming to the opening show on Thursday and a couple after that. Plus they're filming the whole thing. They're bringing a tripod.'
Blaine's mother opened and closed her mouth a few times, no sound coming out, but then she seemed to gather herself. 'Well, I don't know who this Rachel is, but it sounds to me like her parents have a lot of time on their hands.'
'No, they make time,' Blaine said, yanking the tickets out of his mother's hand and turning to walk back upstairs.
'Hey, that's not fair, Blaine. We're doing our best here,' she called after him. Then she added softer, 'Another night, okay? I'll try and make it one of the other nights.'
'It doesn't matter,' Blaine called back, even as disappointment burned in his throat. 'It's just a silly high school production.'
When he reached the door to his bedroom, Blaine put the tickets away in his pocket and allowed himself to stand there for a moment, picking himself back up and burying the anger and hurt. He was well practiced by now so it didn't take long.
'Hey.' Blaine strode into the room all smiles to find Kurt standing in the middle of the room, a contemplative look on his face.
'Hey...' Kurt's greeting was a little more hesitant, and he watched as Blaine crossed to the other side of the room to his record player. 'Everything okay?'
'Yeah,' Blaine replied breathlessly as he directed his focus to a stack of old vinyls.
'What are you doing?' Kurt asked as Blaine found the record he was looking for and pulled it from its case. 'I thought you still had to finish.'
'Yeah, well, it's Friday and it's past six.' He put the record in the player and started it, enjoying the soft crackling sound it made. 'You can't expect me to concentrate on Algebra right now.'
'No, especially not as you don't even seem to be able to tell it apart from History,' Kurt chuckled briefly. 'What was that about?'
'I told you. It's Friday,' Blaine said simply. 'Now dance with me.'
As Blaine started to move in front of him, Kurt looked doubtfully on as though he would really rather that they had a serious conversation, but it only took a few moments before the corners of his mouth twitched into a smile at sight before him. Blaine took that as his cue to grab Kurt by the hand and soon they were dancing and laughing along to the tunes of Roxy Music.
'Hey, no, we can't stop now,' Blaine said as the record ran out and Kurt moved to sit down on the bed. Blaine scrambled to switch sides on the record. 'This is the best one.'
'You've been saying that for three songs,' Kurt pointed out as he got more comfortable on the bed.
'Okay, yes,' Blaine admitted as he replaced the needle. 'But this time it's true.' Blaine started moving again as Love is the Drug began playing. 'God, I love this record. Definitely the best new album this year.'
Kurt raised an eyebrow. 'You do realize this album has been out for, like, forty years, right? It's Roxy Music. It's hardly new. The vinyl should give you a clue.'
'Thirty-six,' Blaine corrected. 'And I meant new to me. Also, I'll have you know they still make vinyls. Thank god.'
Kurt smiled indulgently. 'My boyfriend's a Katy Perry devotee and a vinyl purist. You, honey, are truly exceptional.'
'"Devotee."' Blaine chuckled. 'You make me sound like some kind of crazed stalker. I prefer "admirer."'
'Like that's any better.' Kurt said with a snort, which prompted Blaine to stick out his tongue at him.
'Anyway, I'm not a purist. I just like them. The mechanics. The little crinkling sound. It's soothing.' Blaine paused, lost for a moment in childhood memories of a grandfather who had left behind an old turntable and his undying love of records when he passed. 'And who says it has to be one or the other? Old or new? It's not all black and white, you know.'
'Mmm,' was all Kurt said. He had settled on his stomach, propped up on his elbows, and he was watching Blaine quietly.
'What?'
'Nothing. Keep dancing. You're adorable like that.'
'I hope that's adorable as in "my cute and handsome boyfriend,"' Blaine said. 'And not "my stupid dorky little brother."'
'A little of both, I'd say? Mostly the first though.' Kurt looked thoughtful for a moment. 'My cute and stupidly handsome boyfriend, who is also adorably dorky.'
'I guess I can live with that,' Blaine decided with a grin, before moving back to the turntable and starting the record over, since they had talked over most of his favorite song. He resumed his dancing, letting himself be swept away by the music and admittedly egged on a little by the way Kurt seemed to be enjoying the show, judging by the way he was watching Blaine with still darkening eyes.
'God, Roxy Music makes me wanna build a time machine just so I can go back to the seventies and give Bryan Ferry a high five.'
'Do you think I'm boring?' Kurt asked out of nowhere.
'Are you crazy?' Blaine said, taken aback by the question and with no idea where Kurt was coming from. 'You're the single most interesting kid in all of Ohio.'
'I mean like...' Kurt sat up on the bed and Blaine could tell that this was no longer idle chat. 'Sexually. I mean, we are playing it very safe by not granting our hands visas to travel south of the equator.' Kurt made an awkward gesture to show what he meant.
'I thought that's what we wanted,' Blaine said as casually as he could manage, while internally cursing this day and people's propensities for sex talks.
'It is. I'm just wondering, have you ever had the urge to just rip off each other's clothes and just get dirty?'
Blaine, who had been watching Kurt open-mouthed as he spoke, quickly recovered, and he was even able to answer quite truthfully, 'Well, yeah, but that's why they invented masturbation.'
'It's so hot in this room. Can we open up a window?'
Kurt was blushing slightly, and as Blaine crawled on the bed to reassure his boyfriend and talk about comfort, Blaine breathed an internal sigh of relief, because the blushing at least told him that Kurt wasn't ready to "get dirty" right now, even if he did want to talk about it. It gave Blaine time. Time to think and time to form some sort of plan that didn't end with him being alone and the word "freak" ringing in his ears.
No matter how much he stood by his decision to transfer to McKinley, it had not been without some regret in his heart that Blaine had said goodbye to Dalton back in September. It was a strange feeling walking through the grand halls of the place he had called home for two years, still remembering and recognizing every detail as if he had never left, but as a visitor now and no longer really belonging here. The odd thing was that, despite playing the male lead in the school musical and having been accepted into the glee club by anyone that wasn't Finn (what was his problem, anyway?), Blaine still didn't really feel like he belonged at McKinley either. He had the sneaking suspicion that he could stop coming to school tomorrow and no one besides Kurt and maybe a few teachers would notice or care.
However, from the way the face of every Warbler lit up in excitement, when they saw him watching their performance from the doorway - even a few new members that Blaine had never met - it was clear that the Warblers hadn't forgotten Blaine in the two months he had been away. When one of the new guys dragged Blaine into the performance, Blaine was reluctant for only half a second before he gave in to it and let himself be swept away by the music and the fun. It was a little bit like coming home.
The performance ended to great applause from Blaine and as he gave Nick a hug, congratulating him on a great solo, his old group of friends all milled around him, buzzing with excitement.
'Is this your triumphant return to Dalton?' Trent urged. 'Please?'
'Actually, I'm here to invite you guys to my opening night at McKinley,' Blaine said as from his back pocket he withdrew a stack of tickets, that he had been lucky to get this late in the game. The two now useless tickets Blaine had got for his parents had served as good bargaining chips. 'West Side Story. I reserved a whole block of tickets just for the Warblers. It would mean the world to me if you guys could come.'
'We'll be there,' a tall Warbler that Blaine didn't know - the same guy that had pulled Blaine into the performance - assured him. 'Once a Warbler, always a Warbler, right?'
The statement was met with cheers and murmurs of assent, while Blaine himself watched the new guy curiously. There was something strange about the way he looked at Blaine, that Blaine couldn't put his finger on, and he wasn't altogether sure he liked it. As the Warblers began filing out of the room, Blaine suddenly remembered the other reason he was here and quickly pulled Trent aside, speaking to him in a low voice.
'Hey, can I talk to you? In private?' he added meaningfully.
Trent frowned for a short moment, but then he seemed to catch on and gave a small nod. 'Sure. Can you hang around though? I have to go meet with the guidance counselor. Say in an hour at the dorms?'
'Great, thanks.' Blaine glanced over his shoulder at the new Warbler, who was watching the two of them, clearly waiting for them to finish. 'I guess I'll just go say hello to the new guy. See you later then.'
Sebastian Smythe was unlike anyone Blaine had ever met - and definitely very much unlike Blaine himself. Sebastian had a certain air of confidence about him, that Blaine had to admit he admired a little, even though it also made him a bit nervous.
'So you're a legend at Dalton,' Sebastian said the moment the two of them had sat down for coffee.
'Well, I...' Blaine mumbled, at a loss for how to respond.
'Don't be modest,' Sebastian said, his smile wide and revealing perfectly straight white teeth. 'I was, like, I don't know who this Blaine guy is, but apparently he's sex on a stick and sings like a dream.' Blaine gave an involuntary jerk of the head at word sex, before laughing awkwardly at Sebastian's words. 'So - sucks that I missed him.'
As Sebastian's smile morphed into a smirk, his gaze at Blaine changed into something more intense and searching, and Blaine couldn't help the feeling that Sebastian was looking for something that wasn't there.
'Alright,' Sebastian continued, his demeanor melting into something more business-like. 'Since I'm working to recreate your meteoric ascent, I need to ask. Why'd you leave Dalton?' Sebastian's eyes darkened and he lost the business act as he went on. 'Were you bored with all the preppies around here, or is it that you broke too many hearts to stay?'
Blaine laughed nervously. It was slowly dawning on him that he was being flirted with and it gave him an odd unsettled feeling in his stomach.
'It wasn't like that,' Blaine managed to get out. He thought for a moment. 'Let's just say I miss Dalton every day, but McKinley's where my heart is now.'
Sebastian seemed to take the hint and kept the topic on the Warblers and performing as he went on. Blaine, however, was only half paying attention, though he was acutely aware of the way Sebastian kept eyeing him like he was some particularly delicious piece of food that he couldn't wait to devour. Blaine vaguely wondered if Sebastian would be so interested if he knew what Blaine hid beneath layers of clothing. Blaine's mind wandered then to everyone in his life who knew his truth and to his less than stellar relationship with each of them. There was his mom, who worked all the time and never seemed to pay attention to anything Blaine did or said. There was his dad whose job had him on the road for weeks at a time and who Blaine didn't know how to talk to anyway. Then there was Cooper with whom Blaine usually got along well enough on the rare occasion that they saw each other, but in whose eyes Blaine never seemed to measure up. Blaine didn't really speak to much of his extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, but as far as he knew none of them had been too happy to learn that the little girl they knew was really a boy, though his grandmother had at least paid for him to attend Dalton. Blaine's maternal grandfather, with whom Blaine had had a strong bond, had passed away before he could know, and Blaine was half glad of that as it left no chance for his grandfather to be disappointed with or think less of his grandchild. Theirs would always be the one perfect relationship Blaine had.
Inevitably Blaine's thoughts circled back around - as they always did these days - to Kurt and the conversation that must come. He felt his stomach do a sudden unpleasant swoop, and he looked at his watch, willing the clock to go faster as the urge to talk to Trent got impossibly stronger. Trent who had known Blaine's story since five minutes after they met and who had accepted Blaine unconditionally despite seeing sides of Blaine that the other boys - not being his roommate - never did. Blaine sometimes wished that he and Trent could have just fallen for each other. Things - well, some things - would have been so much simpler then.
'I have to go. Lacrosse practice,' Sebastian said then, jolting Blaine from his thoughts. 'But... could we meet again? I could really use some more insight from you, Blaine. You know, Warbler to Warbler.'
'Sure,' Blaine replied before he could really process what Sebastian was asking, his brain still so deep in thought about everything else. It was a moment before it reoccurred to him that the whole time Sebastian had never stopped looking at him with hungry eyes, and there were several reasons why that made Blaine uncomfortable, but before Blaine could even consider voicing his concerns, Sebastian had left the room. Blaine didn't figure he had any reason to worry though. Sebastian seemed harmless enough, and who was Blaine to turn down helping a fellow Warbler? After all, as Sebastian said, once a Warbler, always a Warbler, right?
Fifteen minutes before he was supposed to meet Trent, Blaine sighed and got up from his position at the table, figuring if he walked really slowly he wouldn't be early. On his way to the dorms Blaine met a couple of familiar faces - and a couple of unfamiliar ones that seemed to know him - some merely offering brief hellos, while others stopped to chat.
Blaine smiled to himself as he proceeded down the hall to the dormitories, the walk to his old dorm room both familiar and new, having walked this way so many times before but never as a visitor. He came to a halt in front of the door, before looking quickly at his watch. Seven minutes early. That would have to do. He knocked.
The door was opened quickly by Trent sans blazer and sporting a loose tie, clearly taking advantage of his free and private time before dinner to unwind a little. Blaine had seen this countless times before, and it gave him a series of sudden flashbacks to the many private moments the two of them had shared as roommates. Trent's face lit up in a smile as he saw Blaine, and he stood aside to let him in before closing the door behind him.
Blaine absently noted that Trent's side of the room looked exactly like it had two months ago (perfectly neat and tidy), while a stranger's belongings took up the side of the room that had been Blaine's. The idea made him feel strangely sad, but there was no time to ponder this for long, because then Trent was hugging Blaine like he hadn't seen him in years. Blaine had learned a long time ago, that Trent could be an extremely affectionate person once you got to know him.
'God, I missed you,' Trent mumbled against Blaine's neck before finally letting go of him. 'My new roommate's horrible. He leaves dirty socks everywhere, he has no appreciation for music, and he snores, Blaine.' Trent was ranting now, and Blaine could feel his own mouth curling into an amused smile, despite how much he tried to look concerned. 'I feel like I haven't slept properly in a month. Do you know what it's like living with someone like that? I need my sleep. He never even goes home on weekends either. I suspect his parents are kind of relieved to-'
'Trent?'
'Yes?'
'Breathe.'
Trent let out a long breath of air. 'Yes. Good. Thank you.' Trent sank onto his bed, leaning against the wall at the the head of the bed, and Blaine joined him, sitting sideways and letting his shoe-clad feet dangle over the edge. 'See, this is why I need you.'
'To remind you to breathe?' Blaine said, keeping his voice even and turning his head to regard Trent, one brow raised.
'Hilarious,' Trent replied sarcastically and threw a pillow at Blaine, who raised his arms in defense. Trent continued in a softer tone. 'How are you though? What's it like being back home?'
'It's...' Blaine hesitated, buying time by making a show of picking up the pillow and hugging it against his chest. 'Surprisingly lonely.'
'How so?'
Blaine sighed. 'My parents. God love 'em, they've done so much for me, but they're never really there. In any sense of the word. I guess I just expected...' He trailed off. 'Anyway, I've been used to having friends around me all the time. I guess I've just gotta get used to being by myself again.'
'You've got friends at McKinley, though, right? In New Directions.'
'Yeah, sure.' Blaine thought of Finn and Santana chastising him for being an attention seeker, and he thought of the way he still felt like he was on the fringes of everything that went on in the club. 'It's difficult... they've all known each other for so long. I'm still trying to figure out where I fit in.'
'Kurt's gotta make the whole thing easier though? Being closer to him and seeing him every day. I mean, he's basically the reason you left, right? I still remember what you were like to live with those last few months after Kurt had transferred back. Not that I didn't sympathize, but you were kind of whiny, no offense.'
Blaine threw the pillow back at Trent with a grin, but immediately wished he hadn't because he missed having something to clutch. He bit his lip.
'Yeah...Kurt. That's kind of why I'm here actually. It's- He doesn't know. I've never told him. About the whole -' Blaine automatically lowered his voice despite being behind a closed door with presumably no curious eavesdroppers trying to listen in. '- trans thing.'
'He- what? How is that even possible?' Trent's eyes went wide with shock. 'How can he not know?'
'I've been careful.' Blaine shrugged.
'Okay, wow...' Trent said quietly. 'I just sort of always assumed you'd told him at some point.'
Blaine slumped, face planting onto the bed and mumbling into the mattress, 'I know, I should have. I'm a horrible person.'
Blaine felt the mattress dip near him and a hand touched his shoulder. He sat back up but didn't meet Trent's eye.
'Okay, one: You're not,' Trent told him firmly, leaving no room for doubt. 'You're just... scared, I assume? And two: That word is reserved for my roommate, remember?'
Blaine sighed and sank back into the bed, leaning his head and shoulders against the wall. 'I have to tell him, right?' Blaine said in a hollow voice, staring at the clock on the opposite wall. 'He deserves to know.'
'Well, yes.' Trent sat himself next to Blaine. 'I don't want to get involved with things that are none of my business, but, if he doesn't know, the two of you can't have gone very far. Physically, I mean. Don't you want more? Don't you think he does?'
'I know he does. And I want more, too.' Blaine contemplated this statement for a few moments. 'Or at least I want to want more. Does that make sense?'
'So what's holding you up?' Trent asked.
'Well, it's like you said. I'm...scared. How's he going to react? Not just to the thing itself but to the fact that I kept it from him?' Trent was quiet. He had no answer. 'What if he hates me? I couldn't bear that.'
'I'm sure, whatever he's going to do or say, he won't hate you,' Trent said reasonably. 'Kurt doesn't do hate.'
'Try telling his former best friend that.' Blaine paused. 'Do you remember last year when Kurt and I had that big fight? When I thought I might be bi? He completely tore me a new one and basically denied that bisexuality exists. What's he gonna do when I tell him I'm transgender? It's not even like either of us can hide behind a "maybe" with that one.'
There were a few moments of silence in which Trent seemed to be contemplating something. 'You do realize that it was love at first sight with the two of you, right? Okay, maybe not "love" but something. Kurt knew. You, on the other hand, were a little slower on the uptake. The guys had a bet going about how long it would take you.'
'What, seriously? You bet on us?'
'Well, I didn't,' Trent corrected as though it were a matter of pride. 'Although I may have acted as referee. Jeff won, by the way. He bet it would happen by Regionals.'
Blaine snorted incredulously, not knowing whether to find the matter tasteless or amusing. 'I'm confused though. What does that have to do with the fight?'
'Isn't it obvious? He was jealous, Blaine. And that wasn't just any girl you went out with. Rachel was supposed to be one of his best friends. That has to have stung.'
'Oh,' Blaine said dumbly. 'Well, I feel stupid now.'
'Don't let me stop you.'
'Hey!'
Trent just surveyed him with his 'you know I'm right' face. 'Well, really Blaine. You have to admit you can be pretty dense sometimes.' He prodded Blaine in the side, teasing him. 'You're lucky you're so cute.'
'Yeah, that's me. Lucky...' Blaine let the word hang in the air for a few moments, while he wrestled with a thought. 'It's just, even if he doesn't outright hate me, what are the odds that he's gonna stick around as anything more than a friend? I mean, he's gay.'
'And you're a guy,' Trent said simply, clearly refusing to understand where Blaine was going.
'Yes, I know that. But I don't exactly have a...' Blaine made an awkward half-hearted gesture. 'And there's this,' he added, waving his arm in front of his chest. 'That's not what he signed up for.'
'How long have you been together? Eight months?' Blaine nodded. 'And he hasn't pushed for sex yet?' Blaine blushed, his mouth falling open slightly. Trent was a good friend, yes, but they didn't usually have conversations like this. 'Come on, answer the question,' Trent insisted a little impatiently. 'You're the one that made this about sex.'
Blaine cleared his throat. 'No. He hasn't pushed.'
'And you guys are happy, right?'
'Yes.' A smile spread across Blaine's face. 'Very.'
'Well, I'd say that's proof enough that he likes you for more than your hypothetical penis.'
And on that note, let's move along to 1B.
Title: Beautifully Wrong
Author: Luca
Rating: NC-17 (overall and to be safe - most of it stays in PG-13 territory)
Characters: ftm!Blaine, Kurt, Blaine's parents, Cooper, Sebastian, Trent, various ND members, non-major OCs.
Spoilers: Up to 3.22 to be safe. Canon up to 3.05 and largely canon compliant beyond that (with some notable exceptions), but necessarily AU because of the subject matter.
Warnings (this part): Angst, underage drinking, mild sexuality
Word count (this chapter): 11.000
Summary: Blaine is FtM (female to male transgender) and no one at McKinley knows about it, but he realizes this has to change if he wants his relationship with Kurt to survive. This fic explores different aspects of Blaine's transition and how it affects his relationships with those closest to him.
This chapter: Blaine makes a realization about his relationship with Kurt, and he meets Sebastian. Drinking ensues.
Author's note: Lyrics from Tonight and Uptown Girl. Normally I wouldn't bother to change the pronoun, but in this particular instance it made me uncomfortable to keep it as it was. Also, to clarify: You might notice I removed Karofsky from the bar scene, and in fact he isn't referenced at all in the entire fic. Nothing against the character, he just didn't fit in here. Thank you lunarocks14 for betaing, you are awesome.
PREVIOUS CHAPTERS
Prologue
Today all day I had the feeling
(When he's talking)
Kurt didn't know. No one did. Or rather no one besides the people that couldn't notknow. There was Blaine's family obviously: His parents and Cooper; aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents. Then there was Blaine's doctors and therapist, who oversaw his treatment. All those were unavoidable. School administrations at Blaine's first high school, at Dalton and now at McKinley had also been told, which was necessary for certain allowances to be made (Blaine didn't shower with the rest of the boys after P.E. and he was excused from certain field trips). Trent was the only one of Blaine's peers who knew, and then only because him having been Blaine's roommate at Dalton sort necessitated it. Blaine supposed there was also the kids at the high school in Columbus, where he had spent his first freshman year. It had been nearly three years since he had seen any of them, though, so they didn't really count, and in fact Blaine preferred not to think about those kids at all.
So as far as his day-to-day life was concerned, Blaine was, to all intents and purposes, what was known as "stealth", and he liked it that way. He knew that it was unfair not to include Kurt as one of the people who knew. It was just that telling all those people had been literally quite unavoidable, and telling Kurt - though the morally right thing to do - wasn't. Blaine had been on hormones for two and half years, which meant that as long as he took certain precautions, like binding his chest and avoiding communal showers, no one would ever suspect that he wasn't biologically male. And with this being the first relationship for the both of them, Kurt and Blaine had agreed from the start to take things slow physically and Kurt hadn't pushed (Blaine sure hadn't) so keeping that part of himself hidden hadn't been difficult for Blaine.
It wasn't that Blaine had ever planned on entering a relationship with anyone without first telling them the truth - least of all with Kurt who meant so indescribably much Blaine, not only as a boyfriend but as a friend. But then he and Kurt had just sort of happened without planning or forethought. Of course, looking back, Blaine could see it happening over weeks and months, could see himself falling harder and harder with every day that passed, but he had tried so hard to keep himself at a distance, focusing so much of his energy on that, that when he couldn't anymore, there was no plan ready in his mind. There was just Kurt, Kurt, Kurt and Tomorrow. I'll tell him tomorrow.
It was Artie of all people who made Blaine stop and take stock of the situation.
It had been nearly a month since the full cast list for McKinley's production of West Side Story had been posted, and now the premiere was less than a week away. However, Artie (as the eager young director) was still not satisfied with certain aspects of the show and on Friday afternoon he pulled his leads aside to run through a number of the songs. As Blaine and Rachel's voices rang through the auditorium with the final note of Tonight, Blaine was feeling quite happy with their performance, confident even - but then the words "sexual awakening" left Artie's mouth and Blaine tensed, sure he wasn't going to like the rest of the conversation. And as Artie continued to talk about passion and sex and first times, somehow not finding the topic remotely inappropriate, Blaine found he was right.
It wasn't that Blaine put much, if any, stock in Artie's idea that that one specific experience could really make or break anyone's performance. Rather he was caught uncomfortably off guard by the whole thing. His awkward 'I'm waiting for the right time,' in response to the inquiry about his first time, was only half-true, because the truth was that Blaine hadn't been waiting as much as he had ignored the topic of sex and physical intimacy altogether. Now that it been brought brutally back to the forefront of his mind, however, and Blaine was hit with the sudden realization that he and Kurt were coming up on their ninth month together and there was only so much longer Kurt would be satisfied with what they had now, Blaine had to face the fact that he may very well be running out of time.
'Well, that's me done.' Kurt closed his textbook with a loud snap, which Blaine, sitting cross-legged on the bed with his nose in a book, barely registered. He felt the mattress dip as Kurt joined him on the bed, but kept his eyes trained on the book in his lap. 'How's yours coming? You done soon?'
'Mmm,' Blaine non-responded, having not really heard the question.
'Well, get cracking then.' Kurt patted Blaine's leg teasingly. 'The whole point of this was that we'd have some alone time when we're done. I don't think Artie's gonna let us sleep this weekend, let alone have social lives, so we gotta make tonight count.' Kurt paused for a moment before continuing, his voice high and breathless. 'I can't believe we open next week. Feels like they just cast us last week. I think we've all worked hard though, and we're ready. Or we will be by Thursday. I feel ready. Do you feel ready?'
'Mm, yeah, sure,' Blaine said distractedly, still not looking up.
'But then I thought I might not do the play at all, and just move to Alaska and work in a gold mine.'
'Yeah, good... wait, what?' Blaine finally looked up, frowning at Kurt's words, to find his boyfriend looking at him with a bemused sort of expression.
'There you are.' Kurt smiled and leaned over to press a soft kiss to Blaine's cheek. 'Thought I'd lost you for a second.'
'I'm sorry.' Blaine exhaled deeply and leaned back against the headboard. 'But you said it yourself. I just need to finish this chapter for History and then I'm all yours.'
Kurt's eyes narrowed as he took the book from Blaine and examined it briefly. 'Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is Algebra, Blaine. Also, you haven't turned the page in at least ten minutes.' Kurt threw the book aside on the bed and shifted himself so he was sitting directly in front of Blaine, his hands resting on Blaine's knees. 'What's going on? Are you okay?'
'No. Yeah. It's fine, really.' Blaine closed his eyes for a brief moment, suddenly so tired. 'Just something Artie said earlier. It's nothing.'
'What did he say?' Kurt's eyes narrowed and his tone was dangerous as though he would like nothing more than to get his hands on Artie.
'Nothing really.' Blaine waved a dismissive hand. 'Just a director's note. You know how he is. It's nothing.'
'It's not nothing if it's got you all worked up like this,' Kurt said.
'Honestly, Kurt, it's fine. Don't worry. I'm just overreacting.' Blaine paused as Kurt kept eyeing him skeptically. 'Really. It's nothing. I shouldn't've even told you.'
'You know, Blaine, there's only so many times you can say "it's nothing" before it starts to mean the opposite. What did Artie say? Was he being rude or out of line or...?'
Blaine bit his lip as Kurt watched him from the bed, his eyes big and earnest. Blaine's heart hammered as he considered the possibility of just telling Kurt the truth here and now. It's just that he mentioned sex, and I'm scared to even bring that up with you, because the truth is I'm transgender, so my body doesn't look like other boys' and I'm afraid of what that will do to our relationship when you find out. Blaine let out a breath he had been holding a little while longer than usual.
'No, he wasn't. It was just-' Blaine cut himself off when he heard the front door slam downstairs. Saved by the bell. 'Hold on, that's my mom. I just gotta...' Blaine grabbed something off his bedside table and waved it in front of Kurt as though that was an explanation. 'Be right back.' And before Kurt could do much more than look frustrated, Blaine had left the bedroom faster than if it had been on fire.
He found his mother downstairs, still in the hall, hanging her coat. Something about the speed and swiftness of her movements let Blaine know that, while she may be home for the night, her work day wasn't over. She was probably headed straight to her computer.
'Hi Mom,' Blaine said softly, coming to a halt at the bottom step. She wheeled around to face him, an expression of mild surprise on her face. It was an expression Blaine's mother wore a lot around her youngest, as though she kept forgetting he was in the house too. Blaine supposed she was just still getting used to having him home after two years at Dalton, but sometimes, when a dark mood struck him, Blaine wondered if maybe she hoped he would just go away again, or grow up already and go to college or something.
'Hi sweetie, you're home. Have a nice day?' she asked, but her voice was breathless and Blaine could tell that her mind was elsewhere and she was really just feigning interest, so he decided to cut to the chase.
'Yeah, it was fine. I got your tickets today. Best seats in the house.' Blaine beamed as he held out the thin pieces of papers in his hand. 'I know Dad isn't due home for another two weeks, but I got one for him as well. Just in case.'
Blaine shrugged and gestured again for his mother to take the tickets. She accepted them, but when she examined them her face fell and she sucked in a breath and made a noise of regret.
'It's on Thursday? Blaine, sweetie, I'm sorry, but I can't come. I have a huge meeting on Thursday. It's impossible to reschedule at this point.'
'But Mom,' Blaine pleaded, his heart sinking. 'I worked hard on this. I- It's the lead role. I really wanted you there.'
'I know, I'm sorry,' she replied sympathetically but Blaine didn't miss the defensive edge to her voice as she went on. 'But you know what my job is like. You can't just spring these things on me last minute. You have to tell me ahead of time, so I can work my schedule around it.'
'I did.' Blaine's voice was quiet as he spoke and he hugged his arms around himself. 'Last month. When I first got cast. I did tell you.'
'You did?' She bit her lip. Clearly this was news to her. 'I must not have had my calendar with me, and it slipped my mind.'
Blaine let out a short humorless laugh. 'It slipped your mind... Meanwhile Rachel's parents have been running lines with her every night. They're both coming to the opening show on Thursday and a couple after that. Plus they're filming the whole thing. They're bringing a tripod.'
Blaine's mother opened and closed her mouth a few times, no sound coming out, but then she seemed to gather herself. 'Well, I don't know who this Rachel is, but it sounds to me like her parents have a lot of time on their hands.'
'No, they make time,' Blaine said, yanking the tickets out of his mother's hand and turning to walk back upstairs.
'Hey, that's not fair, Blaine. We're doing our best here,' she called after him. Then she added softer, 'Another night, okay? I'll try and make it one of the other nights.'
'It doesn't matter,' Blaine called back, even as disappointment burned in his throat. 'It's just a silly high school production.'
When he reached the door to his bedroom, Blaine put the tickets away in his pocket and allowed himself to stand there for a moment, picking himself back up and burying the anger and hurt. He was well practiced by now so it didn't take long.
'Hey.' Blaine strode into the room all smiles to find Kurt standing in the middle of the room, a contemplative look on his face.
'Hey...' Kurt's greeting was a little more hesitant, and he watched as Blaine crossed to the other side of the room to his record player. 'Everything okay?'
'Yeah,' Blaine replied breathlessly as he directed his focus to a stack of old vinyls.
'What are you doing?' Kurt asked as Blaine found the record he was looking for and pulled it from its case. 'I thought you still had to finish.'
'Yeah, well, it's Friday and it's past six.' He put the record in the player and started it, enjoying the soft crackling sound it made. 'You can't expect me to concentrate on Algebra right now.'
'No, especially not as you don't even seem to be able to tell it apart from History,' Kurt chuckled briefly. 'What was that about?'
'I told you. It's Friday,' Blaine said simply. 'Now dance with me.'
As Blaine started to move in front of him, Kurt looked doubtfully on as though he would really rather that they had a serious conversation, but it only took a few moments before the corners of his mouth twitched into a smile at sight before him. Blaine took that as his cue to grab Kurt by the hand and soon they were dancing and laughing along to the tunes of Roxy Music.
'Hey, no, we can't stop now,' Blaine said as the record ran out and Kurt moved to sit down on the bed. Blaine scrambled to switch sides on the record. 'This is the best one.'
'You've been saying that for three songs,' Kurt pointed out as he got more comfortable on the bed.
'Okay, yes,' Blaine admitted as he replaced the needle. 'But this time it's true.' Blaine started moving again as Love is the Drug began playing. 'God, I love this record. Definitely the best new album this year.'
Kurt raised an eyebrow. 'You do realize this album has been out for, like, forty years, right? It's Roxy Music. It's hardly new. The vinyl should give you a clue.'
'Thirty-six,' Blaine corrected. 'And I meant new to me. Also, I'll have you know they still make vinyls. Thank god.'
Kurt smiled indulgently. 'My boyfriend's a Katy Perry devotee and a vinyl purist. You, honey, are truly exceptional.'
'"Devotee."' Blaine chuckled. 'You make me sound like some kind of crazed stalker. I prefer "admirer."'
'Like that's any better.' Kurt said with a snort, which prompted Blaine to stick out his tongue at him.
'Anyway, I'm not a purist. I just like them. The mechanics. The little crinkling sound. It's soothing.' Blaine paused, lost for a moment in childhood memories of a grandfather who had left behind an old turntable and his undying love of records when he passed. 'And who says it has to be one or the other? Old or new? It's not all black and white, you know.'
'Mmm,' was all Kurt said. He had settled on his stomach, propped up on his elbows, and he was watching Blaine quietly.
'What?'
'Nothing. Keep dancing. You're adorable like that.'
'I hope that's adorable as in "my cute and handsome boyfriend,"' Blaine said. 'And not "my stupid dorky little brother."'
'A little of both, I'd say? Mostly the first though.' Kurt looked thoughtful for a moment. 'My cute and stupidly handsome boyfriend, who is also adorably dorky.'
'I guess I can live with that,' Blaine decided with a grin, before moving back to the turntable and starting the record over, since they had talked over most of his favorite song. He resumed his dancing, letting himself be swept away by the music and admittedly egged on a little by the way Kurt seemed to be enjoying the show, judging by the way he was watching Blaine with still darkening eyes.
'God, Roxy Music makes me wanna build a time machine just so I can go back to the seventies and give Bryan Ferry a high five.'
'Do you think I'm boring?' Kurt asked out of nowhere.
'Are you crazy?' Blaine said, taken aback by the question and with no idea where Kurt was coming from. 'You're the single most interesting kid in all of Ohio.'
'I mean like...' Kurt sat up on the bed and Blaine could tell that this was no longer idle chat. 'Sexually. I mean, we are playing it very safe by not granting our hands visas to travel south of the equator.' Kurt made an awkward gesture to show what he meant.
'I thought that's what we wanted,' Blaine said as casually as he could manage, while internally cursing this day and people's propensities for sex talks.
'It is. I'm just wondering, have you ever had the urge to just rip off each other's clothes and just get dirty?'
Blaine, who had been watching Kurt open-mouthed as he spoke, quickly recovered, and he was even able to answer quite truthfully, 'Well, yeah, but that's why they invented masturbation.'
'It's so hot in this room. Can we open up a window?'
Kurt was blushing slightly, and as Blaine crawled on the bed to reassure his boyfriend and talk about comfort, Blaine breathed an internal sigh of relief, because the blushing at least told him that Kurt wasn't ready to "get dirty" right now, even if he did want to talk about it. It gave Blaine time. Time to think and time to form some sort of plan that didn't end with him being alone and the word "freak" ringing in his ears.
No matter how much he stood by his decision to transfer to McKinley, it had not been without some regret in his heart that Blaine had said goodbye to Dalton back in September. It was a strange feeling walking through the grand halls of the place he had called home for two years, still remembering and recognizing every detail as if he had never left, but as a visitor now and no longer really belonging here. The odd thing was that, despite playing the male lead in the school musical and having been accepted into the glee club by anyone that wasn't Finn (what was his problem, anyway?), Blaine still didn't really feel like he belonged at McKinley either. He had the sneaking suspicion that he could stop coming to school tomorrow and no one besides Kurt and maybe a few teachers would notice or care.
However, from the way the face of every Warbler lit up in excitement, when they saw him watching their performance from the doorway - even a few new members that Blaine had never met - it was clear that the Warblers hadn't forgotten Blaine in the two months he had been away. When one of the new guys dragged Blaine into the performance, Blaine was reluctant for only half a second before he gave in to it and let himself be swept away by the music and the fun. It was a little bit like coming home.
The performance ended to great applause from Blaine and as he gave Nick a hug, congratulating him on a great solo, his old group of friends all milled around him, buzzing with excitement.
'Is this your triumphant return to Dalton?' Trent urged. 'Please?'
'Actually, I'm here to invite you guys to my opening night at McKinley,' Blaine said as from his back pocket he withdrew a stack of tickets, that he had been lucky to get this late in the game. The two now useless tickets Blaine had got for his parents had served as good bargaining chips. 'West Side Story. I reserved a whole block of tickets just for the Warblers. It would mean the world to me if you guys could come.'
'We'll be there,' a tall Warbler that Blaine didn't know - the same guy that had pulled Blaine into the performance - assured him. 'Once a Warbler, always a Warbler, right?'
The statement was met with cheers and murmurs of assent, while Blaine himself watched the new guy curiously. There was something strange about the way he looked at Blaine, that Blaine couldn't put his finger on, and he wasn't altogether sure he liked it. As the Warblers began filing out of the room, Blaine suddenly remembered the other reason he was here and quickly pulled Trent aside, speaking to him in a low voice.
'Hey, can I talk to you? In private?' he added meaningfully.
Trent frowned for a short moment, but then he seemed to catch on and gave a small nod. 'Sure. Can you hang around though? I have to go meet with the guidance counselor. Say in an hour at the dorms?'
'Great, thanks.' Blaine glanced over his shoulder at the new Warbler, who was watching the two of them, clearly waiting for them to finish. 'I guess I'll just go say hello to the new guy. See you later then.'
Sebastian Smythe was unlike anyone Blaine had ever met - and definitely very much unlike Blaine himself. Sebastian had a certain air of confidence about him, that Blaine had to admit he admired a little, even though it also made him a bit nervous.
'So you're a legend at Dalton,' Sebastian said the moment the two of them had sat down for coffee.
'Well, I...' Blaine mumbled, at a loss for how to respond.
'Don't be modest,' Sebastian said, his smile wide and revealing perfectly straight white teeth. 'I was, like, I don't know who this Blaine guy is, but apparently he's sex on a stick and sings like a dream.' Blaine gave an involuntary jerk of the head at word sex, before laughing awkwardly at Sebastian's words. 'So - sucks that I missed him.'
As Sebastian's smile morphed into a smirk, his gaze at Blaine changed into something more intense and searching, and Blaine couldn't help the feeling that Sebastian was looking for something that wasn't there.
'Alright,' Sebastian continued, his demeanor melting into something more business-like. 'Since I'm working to recreate your meteoric ascent, I need to ask. Why'd you leave Dalton?' Sebastian's eyes darkened and he lost the business act as he went on. 'Were you bored with all the preppies around here, or is it that you broke too many hearts to stay?'
Blaine laughed nervously. It was slowly dawning on him that he was being flirted with and it gave him an odd unsettled feeling in his stomach.
'It wasn't like that,' Blaine managed to get out. He thought for a moment. 'Let's just say I miss Dalton every day, but McKinley's where my heart is now.'
Sebastian seemed to take the hint and kept the topic on the Warblers and performing as he went on. Blaine, however, was only half paying attention, though he was acutely aware of the way Sebastian kept eyeing him like he was some particularly delicious piece of food that he couldn't wait to devour. Blaine vaguely wondered if Sebastian would be so interested if he knew what Blaine hid beneath layers of clothing. Blaine's mind wandered then to everyone in his life who knew his truth and to his less than stellar relationship with each of them. There was his mom, who worked all the time and never seemed to pay attention to anything Blaine did or said. There was his dad whose job had him on the road for weeks at a time and who Blaine didn't know how to talk to anyway. Then there was Cooper with whom Blaine usually got along well enough on the rare occasion that they saw each other, but in whose eyes Blaine never seemed to measure up. Blaine didn't really speak to much of his extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, but as far as he knew none of them had been too happy to learn that the little girl they knew was really a boy, though his grandmother had at least paid for him to attend Dalton. Blaine's maternal grandfather, with whom Blaine had had a strong bond, had passed away before he could know, and Blaine was half glad of that as it left no chance for his grandfather to be disappointed with or think less of his grandchild. Theirs would always be the one perfect relationship Blaine had.
Inevitably Blaine's thoughts circled back around - as they always did these days - to Kurt and the conversation that must come. He felt his stomach do a sudden unpleasant swoop, and he looked at his watch, willing the clock to go faster as the urge to talk to Trent got impossibly stronger. Trent who had known Blaine's story since five minutes after they met and who had accepted Blaine unconditionally despite seeing sides of Blaine that the other boys - not being his roommate - never did. Blaine sometimes wished that he and Trent could have just fallen for each other. Things - well, some things - would have been so much simpler then.
'I have to go. Lacrosse practice,' Sebastian said then, jolting Blaine from his thoughts. 'But... could we meet again? I could really use some more insight from you, Blaine. You know, Warbler to Warbler.'
'Sure,' Blaine replied before he could really process what Sebastian was asking, his brain still so deep in thought about everything else. It was a moment before it reoccurred to him that the whole time Sebastian had never stopped looking at him with hungry eyes, and there were several reasons why that made Blaine uncomfortable, but before Blaine could even consider voicing his concerns, Sebastian had left the room. Blaine didn't figure he had any reason to worry though. Sebastian seemed harmless enough, and who was Blaine to turn down helping a fellow Warbler? After all, as Sebastian said, once a Warbler, always a Warbler, right?
Fifteen minutes before he was supposed to meet Trent, Blaine sighed and got up from his position at the table, figuring if he walked really slowly he wouldn't be early. On his way to the dorms Blaine met a couple of familiar faces - and a couple of unfamiliar ones that seemed to know him - some merely offering brief hellos, while others stopped to chat.
Blaine smiled to himself as he proceeded down the hall to the dormitories, the walk to his old dorm room both familiar and new, having walked this way so many times before but never as a visitor. He came to a halt in front of the door, before looking quickly at his watch. Seven minutes early. That would have to do. He knocked.
The door was opened quickly by Trent sans blazer and sporting a loose tie, clearly taking advantage of his free and private time before dinner to unwind a little. Blaine had seen this countless times before, and it gave him a series of sudden flashbacks to the many private moments the two of them had shared as roommates. Trent's face lit up in a smile as he saw Blaine, and he stood aside to let him in before closing the door behind him.
Blaine absently noted that Trent's side of the room looked exactly like it had two months ago (perfectly neat and tidy), while a stranger's belongings took up the side of the room that had been Blaine's. The idea made him feel strangely sad, but there was no time to ponder this for long, because then Trent was hugging Blaine like he hadn't seen him in years. Blaine had learned a long time ago, that Trent could be an extremely affectionate person once you got to know him.
'God, I missed you,' Trent mumbled against Blaine's neck before finally letting go of him. 'My new roommate's horrible. He leaves dirty socks everywhere, he has no appreciation for music, and he snores, Blaine.' Trent was ranting now, and Blaine could feel his own mouth curling into an amused smile, despite how much he tried to look concerned. 'I feel like I haven't slept properly in a month. Do you know what it's like living with someone like that? I need my sleep. He never even goes home on weekends either. I suspect his parents are kind of relieved to-'
'Trent?'
'Yes?'
'Breathe.'
Trent let out a long breath of air. 'Yes. Good. Thank you.' Trent sank onto his bed, leaning against the wall at the the head of the bed, and Blaine joined him, sitting sideways and letting his shoe-clad feet dangle over the edge. 'See, this is why I need you.'
'To remind you to breathe?' Blaine said, keeping his voice even and turning his head to regard Trent, one brow raised.
'Hilarious,' Trent replied sarcastically and threw a pillow at Blaine, who raised his arms in defense. Trent continued in a softer tone. 'How are you though? What's it like being back home?'
'It's...' Blaine hesitated, buying time by making a show of picking up the pillow and hugging it against his chest. 'Surprisingly lonely.'
'How so?'
Blaine sighed. 'My parents. God love 'em, they've done so much for me, but they're never really there. In any sense of the word. I guess I just expected...' He trailed off. 'Anyway, I've been used to having friends around me all the time. I guess I've just gotta get used to being by myself again.'
'You've got friends at McKinley, though, right? In New Directions.'
'Yeah, sure.' Blaine thought of Finn and Santana chastising him for being an attention seeker, and he thought of the way he still felt like he was on the fringes of everything that went on in the club. 'It's difficult... they've all known each other for so long. I'm still trying to figure out where I fit in.'
'Kurt's gotta make the whole thing easier though? Being closer to him and seeing him every day. I mean, he's basically the reason you left, right? I still remember what you were like to live with those last few months after Kurt had transferred back. Not that I didn't sympathize, but you were kind of whiny, no offense.'
Blaine threw the pillow back at Trent with a grin, but immediately wished he hadn't because he missed having something to clutch. He bit his lip.
'Yeah...Kurt. That's kind of why I'm here actually. It's- He doesn't know. I've never told him. About the whole -' Blaine automatically lowered his voice despite being behind a closed door with presumably no curious eavesdroppers trying to listen in. '- trans thing.'
'He- what? How is that even possible?' Trent's eyes went wide with shock. 'How can he not know?'
'I've been careful.' Blaine shrugged.
'Okay, wow...' Trent said quietly. 'I just sort of always assumed you'd told him at some point.'
Blaine slumped, face planting onto the bed and mumbling into the mattress, 'I know, I should have. I'm a horrible person.'
Blaine felt the mattress dip near him and a hand touched his shoulder. He sat back up but didn't meet Trent's eye.
'Okay, one: You're not,' Trent told him firmly, leaving no room for doubt. 'You're just... scared, I assume? And two: That word is reserved for my roommate, remember?'
Blaine sighed and sank back into the bed, leaning his head and shoulders against the wall. 'I have to tell him, right?' Blaine said in a hollow voice, staring at the clock on the opposite wall. 'He deserves to know.'
'Well, yes.' Trent sat himself next to Blaine. 'I don't want to get involved with things that are none of my business, but, if he doesn't know, the two of you can't have gone very far. Physically, I mean. Don't you want more? Don't you think he does?'
'I know he does. And I want more, too.' Blaine contemplated this statement for a few moments. 'Or at least I want to want more. Does that make sense?'
'So what's holding you up?' Trent asked.
'Well, it's like you said. I'm...scared. How's he going to react? Not just to the thing itself but to the fact that I kept it from him?' Trent was quiet. He had no answer. 'What if he hates me? I couldn't bear that.'
'I'm sure, whatever he's going to do or say, he won't hate you,' Trent said reasonably. 'Kurt doesn't do hate.'
'Try telling his former best friend that.' Blaine paused. 'Do you remember last year when Kurt and I had that big fight? When I thought I might be bi? He completely tore me a new one and basically denied that bisexuality exists. What's he gonna do when I tell him I'm transgender? It's not even like either of us can hide behind a "maybe" with that one.'
There were a few moments of silence in which Trent seemed to be contemplating something. 'You do realize that it was love at first sight with the two of you, right? Okay, maybe not "love" but something. Kurt knew. You, on the other hand, were a little slower on the uptake. The guys had a bet going about how long it would take you.'
'What, seriously? You bet on us?'
'Well, I didn't,' Trent corrected as though it were a matter of pride. 'Although I may have acted as referee. Jeff won, by the way. He bet it would happen by Regionals.'
Blaine snorted incredulously, not knowing whether to find the matter tasteless or amusing. 'I'm confused though. What does that have to do with the fight?'
'Isn't it obvious? He was jealous, Blaine. And that wasn't just any girl you went out with. Rachel was supposed to be one of his best friends. That has to have stung.'
'Oh,' Blaine said dumbly. 'Well, I feel stupid now.'
'Don't let me stop you.'
'Hey!'
Trent just surveyed him with his 'you know I'm right' face. 'Well, really Blaine. You have to admit you can be pretty dense sometimes.' He prodded Blaine in the side, teasing him. 'You're lucky you're so cute.'
'Yeah, that's me. Lucky...' Blaine let the word hang in the air for a few moments, while he wrestled with a thought. 'It's just, even if he doesn't outright hate me, what are the odds that he's gonna stick around as anything more than a friend? I mean, he's gay.'
'And you're a guy,' Trent said simply, clearly refusing to understand where Blaine was going.
'Yes, I know that. But I don't exactly have a...' Blaine made an awkward half-hearted gesture. 'And there's this,' he added, waving his arm in front of his chest. 'That's not what he signed up for.'
'How long have you been together? Eight months?' Blaine nodded. 'And he hasn't pushed for sex yet?' Blaine blushed, his mouth falling open slightly. Trent was a good friend, yes, but they didn't usually have conversations like this. 'Come on, answer the question,' Trent insisted a little impatiently. 'You're the one that made this about sex.'
Blaine cleared his throat. 'No. He hasn't pushed.'
'And you guys are happy, right?'
'Yes.' A smile spread across Blaine's face. 'Very.'
'Well, I'd say that's proof enough that he likes you for more than your hypothetical penis.'
And on that note, let's move along to 1B.