Fic: Up to Eleven (Doctor Who+Inception) (PG)
title: Up to Eleven
author: ilovetakahana
pairing: very mild, implied one-sided Arthur/Eames
characters: the team
warnings: um, Doctor Who and Inception fandom smash (not a crossover, just a smash). lots of pop-culture bantering. mild language. Eames being Eames and Arthur being Arthur.
disclaimer: if I owned either Inception or Doctor Who I wouldn't need to work for a living at all.
summary: Eames is a major Doctor Who fanboy. Arthur is clueless.
It all started when Cobb received a package wrapped in brown paper, FedExed unexpectedly, straight to his doorstep.
There was no return address on the thing, which consisted of a series of DVDs labeled "Eight", "Nine", "Ten", and "Eleven". There was a note taped to the "Eight" DVD, which said:
Watch these with your kids. Never too early to start them off on pop culture; I made sure to get the latest ones. I can send you One through Seven if you're interested.
But please make sure you watch with them on the sofa and that there's space behind the sofa to fit them both. (And maybe you too.)
Good luck - you're going to need it. - E
***
"Oh, lord!"
Arthur quirked one fine eyebrow at the scandalized outburst; the other eyebrow started climbing when he realized that it was Yusuf talking - much more loudly than was normal for him.
"You didn't! But, you're going to traumatize them!"
He could practically hear the smug little smile in Eames's voice as the forger only hummed contentedly in response.
Arthur was saved from having to ask "What are you two loonies talking about?" by Ariadne coming in, running a critical eye over his files, and asking far more politely: "Excuse me, traumatize who? Daddy what?"
Yusuf joined them in the main part of the warehouse and Arthur didn't know what to say to his expression, the expression of a man who was torn between horror, humor, and hysterical laughter. "Eames sent Cobb Doctor Who stuff!"
Doctor what?
He looked up at the architect, hoping that she too would be clueless; when he saw her narrowed eyes he thought the entire universe was doing a damn good job of letting him down today.
Those eyes were looking straight at Eames, now slouching against the wall below a bank of grimy windows. "I'm almost afraid to ask, but - which ones?"
Eames's grin widened. "McGann. Eccleston. Tennant. Smith."
Next thing Arthur knew, Ariadne had thrown her compact at the forger, followed by her wadded-up handkerchief and a box of mints. "You are a vile man, Eames," she hissed - but there was a reluctant smile playing around her lips for all that. "Totally evil. And no taste besides. You could have sent the more kid-friendly episodes first. Fourth, you know, jelly babies and that scarf. Fifth! He wears celery! Second! He has a damn recorder! But nooo, you had to send them the survivor's guilt stuff. Oh yeah, real smart. Cobb's going to strangle you. And I'll eat popcorn and egg him on."
Yusuf was nodding along with her exclamations. "Exactly what I was about to say. Those nice kids will never forgive you for the Weeping Angels. Those things in the library. Brrr."
"Oh, god, don't remind me." Ariadne threw her shoes in Eames's general direction and then collapsed onto one of the hideous dark green garden chairs set around the PASIV. "I literally could not feel safe on the school grounds for a week. I thought all those statues were going to get me. And there were a lot of statues. How could you, Eames?"
Arthur watched him deposit all of her missiles next to her feet and pull up another chair.
"For your information, Five is not kid-friendly. He's nice, yes, but not that. Think of it this way, love - gives them a right good excuse to cling to Daddy, hmm?"
"Unless he was hiding behind the sofa himself," Yusuf muttered darkly.
The image was so incongruous that Arthur startled them - and himself - by laughing out loud. Cobb, the single best extractor in the business, reduced to hiding behind furniture by a TV show?
In the next moment he felt all three of them turn in his direction, imagined the looks on their faces - Yusuf scandalized, Ariadne curious. He thought Eames would be grinning at him still.
Instead all three were looking speculatively at him. He rather thought they might be seeing some dirt on his suit, and rapidly brushed his vest down.
"No way." Ariadne finally said. "He doesn't know?" she asked Yusuf, who was now cracking a tentative smile.
Eames's eyes were narrowed and absolutely sparkling with malice as he clapped his hands once, startling everyone. "Right then, princess, you've got a new maze to test out, right?"
"Yeeeees...."
"Good! Let's take a look at it. Coming, Yusuf?"
The chemist slapped his forehead and huffed, "No!"
"Then you've got to be the third one, Arthur," Eames sang out.
This was getting very, very strange, and all he could focus on was yes, work, test out a maze....
Before he went under, he thought he heard Ariadne muttering, "If I wind up putting myself in pink or purple I will kill you...."
***
The first thing that Arthur noticed about this maze was that it was pretty red.
Since when did Ariadne specialize in brick rowhouses?
And what in hell was that noise?
Arthur had no words for the sound he was hearing now; it sounded like a tortured set of bellows. And yet there it was, thumping rhythmically, and he eased his pistol out of its holster, eyes scanning for danger, for any sign of the other two....
EX-TER-MI-NATE!
What seemed to be a pepper shaker on wheels suddenly rounded the street corner, firing green beams from a front-mounted gun, disintegrating houses and cars as it came.
"Oh, for crying out loud...." Ariadne came skidding around one of the houses. "This isn't funny! Arthur, get DOWN!"
And a green beam lanced out from nowhere to hit approximately where his head had been. Together, he and Ariadne dived for cover behind a set of garbage cans, and he growled, "What the HELL is going on?"
"I'll explain when Eames gets here!"
"Where is he anyway? Is that thing a projection or something?"
"Yes, of a Dalek. That man's going to be the death of us all! And I'm going to kill him....DOCTOR!"
"He's not a doctor!"
Any reply Ariadne might have made was drowned out by the bellows sound getting louder and louder.
And suddenly a tall blue box appeared in the middle of the road. Arthur watched the doors open, saw a hand holding a small silver stick emerge, saw the small silver stick glow blue....
The - Dalek? - stopped dead in its tracks and then exploded.
And Eames strolled out onto the street, looking pleased with himself. A little breeze stirred the hems of his ankle-length brown coat. He was wearing a brown pinstriped suit, a white shirt, and a brown tie, and a pair of off-white Converse trainers.
Ariadne promptly ran to his side and punched him several times in the shoulder, in time with her sentences. "You maniac! No one said anything about goddamn Daleks! We had no idea what was coming!" Pause. "Also, the sonic screwdriver does NOT work that way!"
"Good show, though, eh?" the forger asked. "And you are NOT wearing pink or purple. I could've, but you asked so nicely."
The pique on Ariadne's face vanished, replaced with curiosity. "You can do that?"
For reply, Eames pointed the small silver stick with the blue light at - him.
His three-piece suit vanished, replaced with a dusty-rose shirt, a maroon bowtie and braces - bowtie? Braces?? - a brown tweed jacket with elbow patches, and black pants and boots.
Ariadne wolf-whistled. "Okay, I concede the point," she laughed.
Just then the strains of Edith Piaf began to fall from the sky. Were the other two actually pouting as everything faded to black?
***
Arthur was nothing if not thorough - that was what made him a point man. So when they came back he spent some time researching just exactly what the other three had been talking about.
Three days later he threw a bag of jelly babies at the back of Eames's head - the thief growled, looked down at the missile, and then laughed and laughed and laughed.
***
Cobb's next email was short, sweet, and had the rest of the team cc'd.
Eames, you fucking bastard.
Where's the rest? - C
author: ilovetakahana
pairing: very mild, implied one-sided Arthur/Eames
characters: the team
warnings: um, Doctor Who and Inception fandom smash (not a crossover, just a smash). lots of pop-culture bantering. mild language. Eames being Eames and Arthur being Arthur.
disclaimer: if I owned either Inception or Doctor Who I wouldn't need to work for a living at all.
summary: Eames is a major Doctor Who fanboy. Arthur is clueless.
It all started when Cobb received a package wrapped in brown paper, FedExed unexpectedly, straight to his doorstep.
There was no return address on the thing, which consisted of a series of DVDs labeled "Eight", "Nine", "Ten", and "Eleven". There was a note taped to the "Eight" DVD, which said:
Watch these with your kids. Never too early to start them off on pop culture; I made sure to get the latest ones. I can send you One through Seven if you're interested.
But please make sure you watch with them on the sofa and that there's space behind the sofa to fit them both. (And maybe you too.)
Good luck - you're going to need it. - E
***
"Oh, lord!"
Arthur quirked one fine eyebrow at the scandalized outburst; the other eyebrow started climbing when he realized that it was Yusuf talking - much more loudly than was normal for him.
"You didn't! But, you're going to traumatize them!"
He could practically hear the smug little smile in Eames's voice as the forger only hummed contentedly in response.
Arthur was saved from having to ask "What are you two loonies talking about?" by Ariadne coming in, running a critical eye over his files, and asking far more politely: "Excuse me, traumatize who? Daddy what?"
Yusuf joined them in the main part of the warehouse and Arthur didn't know what to say to his expression, the expression of a man who was torn between horror, humor, and hysterical laughter. "Eames sent Cobb Doctor Who stuff!"
Doctor what?
He looked up at the architect, hoping that she too would be clueless; when he saw her narrowed eyes he thought the entire universe was doing a damn good job of letting him down today.
Those eyes were looking straight at Eames, now slouching against the wall below a bank of grimy windows. "I'm almost afraid to ask, but - which ones?"
Eames's grin widened. "McGann. Eccleston. Tennant. Smith."
Next thing Arthur knew, Ariadne had thrown her compact at the forger, followed by her wadded-up handkerchief and a box of mints. "You are a vile man, Eames," she hissed - but there was a reluctant smile playing around her lips for all that. "Totally evil. And no taste besides. You could have sent the more kid-friendly episodes first. Fourth, you know, jelly babies and that scarf. Fifth! He wears celery! Second! He has a damn recorder! But nooo, you had to send them the survivor's guilt stuff. Oh yeah, real smart. Cobb's going to strangle you. And I'll eat popcorn and egg him on."
Yusuf was nodding along with her exclamations. "Exactly what I was about to say. Those nice kids will never forgive you for the Weeping Angels. Those things in the library. Brrr."
"Oh, god, don't remind me." Ariadne threw her shoes in Eames's general direction and then collapsed onto one of the hideous dark green garden chairs set around the PASIV. "I literally could not feel safe on the school grounds for a week. I thought all those statues were going to get me. And there were a lot of statues. How could you, Eames?"
Arthur watched him deposit all of her missiles next to her feet and pull up another chair.
"For your information, Five is not kid-friendly. He's nice, yes, but not that. Think of it this way, love - gives them a right good excuse to cling to Daddy, hmm?"
"Unless he was hiding behind the sofa himself," Yusuf muttered darkly.
The image was so incongruous that Arthur startled them - and himself - by laughing out loud. Cobb, the single best extractor in the business, reduced to hiding behind furniture by a TV show?
In the next moment he felt all three of them turn in his direction, imagined the looks on their faces - Yusuf scandalized, Ariadne curious. He thought Eames would be grinning at him still.
Instead all three were looking speculatively at him. He rather thought they might be seeing some dirt on his suit, and rapidly brushed his vest down.
"No way." Ariadne finally said. "He doesn't know?" she asked Yusuf, who was now cracking a tentative smile.
Eames's eyes were narrowed and absolutely sparkling with malice as he clapped his hands once, startling everyone. "Right then, princess, you've got a new maze to test out, right?"
"Yeeeees...."
"Good! Let's take a look at it. Coming, Yusuf?"
The chemist slapped his forehead and huffed, "No!"
"Then you've got to be the third one, Arthur," Eames sang out.
This was getting very, very strange, and all he could focus on was yes, work, test out a maze....
Before he went under, he thought he heard Ariadne muttering, "If I wind up putting myself in pink or purple I will kill you...."
***
The first thing that Arthur noticed about this maze was that it was pretty red.
Since when did Ariadne specialize in brick rowhouses?
And what in hell was that noise?
Arthur had no words for the sound he was hearing now; it sounded like a tortured set of bellows. And yet there it was, thumping rhythmically, and he eased his pistol out of its holster, eyes scanning for danger, for any sign of the other two....
EX-TER-MI-NATE!
What seemed to be a pepper shaker on wheels suddenly rounded the street corner, firing green beams from a front-mounted gun, disintegrating houses and cars as it came.
"Oh, for crying out loud...." Ariadne came skidding around one of the houses. "This isn't funny! Arthur, get DOWN!"
And a green beam lanced out from nowhere to hit approximately where his head had been. Together, he and Ariadne dived for cover behind a set of garbage cans, and he growled, "What the HELL is going on?"
"I'll explain when Eames gets here!"
"Where is he anyway? Is that thing a projection or something?"
"Yes, of a Dalek. That man's going to be the death of us all! And I'm going to kill him....DOCTOR!"
"He's not a doctor!"
Any reply Ariadne might have made was drowned out by the bellows sound getting louder and louder.
And suddenly a tall blue box appeared in the middle of the road. Arthur watched the doors open, saw a hand holding a small silver stick emerge, saw the small silver stick glow blue....
The - Dalek? - stopped dead in its tracks and then exploded.
And Eames strolled out onto the street, looking pleased with himself. A little breeze stirred the hems of his ankle-length brown coat. He was wearing a brown pinstriped suit, a white shirt, and a brown tie, and a pair of off-white Converse trainers.
Ariadne promptly ran to his side and punched him several times in the shoulder, in time with her sentences. "You maniac! No one said anything about goddamn Daleks! We had no idea what was coming!" Pause. "Also, the sonic screwdriver does NOT work that way!"
"Good show, though, eh?" the forger asked. "And you are NOT wearing pink or purple. I could've, but you asked so nicely."
The pique on Ariadne's face vanished, replaced with curiosity. "You can do that?"
For reply, Eames pointed the small silver stick with the blue light at - him.
His three-piece suit vanished, replaced with a dusty-rose shirt, a maroon bowtie and braces - bowtie? Braces?? - a brown tweed jacket with elbow patches, and black pants and boots.
Ariadne wolf-whistled. "Okay, I concede the point," she laughed.
Just then the strains of Edith Piaf began to fall from the sky. Were the other two actually pouting as everything faded to black?
***
Arthur was nothing if not thorough - that was what made him a point man. So when they came back he spent some time researching just exactly what the other three had been talking about.
Three days later he threw a bag of jelly babies at the back of Eames's head - the thief growled, looked down at the missile, and then laughed and laughed and laughed.
***
Cobb's next email was short, sweet, and had the rest of the team cc'd.
Eames, you fucking bastard.
Where's the rest? - C