The Ghost Of You
Title: The Ghost of You
Author:
ilsea_leatita
Chapter: S/A
Rating: NC-17
Paring: Alex/Nate
Warning: Character Death/Suicide
Summary: To Nate Alex is perfect and all he wants is to make Alex happy but lately he’s finding this an increasingly hard feat.
Disclaimer: This did not happen. I do not own Nate or Alex or Ryland.
Authors Note: Title credit goes to My Chemical Romance. This took my forever to finish because I wrote 3/4’s of it then it took me ages to get back into the right fluffy mindset anyway here’s a fluffy story, constructive crit and comments are more than welcome:)
Nate had always tried to look after Alex. He could remember the first time they met, Nate had never been one to believe in love at first sight or any of that bullshit but the first time he met Alex and the older man had smiled at him from across the room he knew that one day he would be in love with him and for some reason, probably the fact his instincts turned out to be telling the truth, he didn’t feel like an idiot for admitting it to himself. You see to Nate, Alex embodied perfection, the whole concept fit him so well, perfection was Alex Suarez. It was the best word Nate could think of to describe him though sometimes, especially late at night when Nate watched him sleep beside him, his hair messy from the amount of times Nate had run his fingers through it, his lips red from the many kisses Nate had pressed against them, perfection just didn’t seem enough, there weren’t any words good enough to describe him so perfect would have to do.
But perfection could be a little clumsy sometimes and just because perfection deserved the best didn’t mean he always got it and sometimes everything around perfection wasn’t all that perfect and sometimes perfection just got overwhelmed by the world. Nate did his best to comfort him and fix what he could fix, he tried to take whatever was bothering Alex off his shoulders and was always ready to grab the back of the other mans shirt just in case he decided to absent mindedly walk into oncoming traffic.
Recently though Nate was finding it very hard to keep Alex safe and finding it even harder to make him happy. Alex had started spending a lot of time, pretty much an entire week actually, lying in bed his face buried in Nate’s pillow, eyes dry but bloodshot. Nate lay with Alex, stroking his hair and asking him what was wrong but Alex never replied just let out the occasional heart wrenching dry sob that made Nate wrap his arms tightly around him just trying to steal the mystery pain away so Alex wouldn’t have to feel it anymore. They stayed like that till one day Ryland let himself into their apartment and forced Alex to take a shower, to get dressed leaving Nate sitting on their bed without even so much as a hello. A wave of uselessness washed over him as he stared out the door Ryland had pushed Alex out of with a “you can’t lie here forever.”
The idea that Alex might not need him didn’t hit him until Ryland dragged the older man out the front door and slammed it behind him, leaving Nate alone in the silent apartment.
When Alex returned he ended up straight back in bed, Nate curled back up at his side and spent the night whispering comforting things in his ear and when he ran out of things to say just whispered “I love you” over and over again because no one did love Alex as much as Nate did and he would make this better somehow.
When Ryland came back round and made Alex stay out of bed, Alex started making smoking a part of his daily life instead of just a social activity so Nate stole his cigarettes and made sure Alex wasn’t hiding them anywhere. He looked so confused when they went missing that it made Nate smile sadly, it was kind of adorable.
Soon after the smoking development Alex began doing stupid knife tricks when he was cooking, not that he ate anything he made anymore, and he just kept making Nate’s favourite meals over and over. He was clumsy with the knives, more than once Nate had to stop a misjudged catch that would have caused a deep cut, maybe hitting an important vein.
Nate found himself constantly holding onto the back of Alex’s jacket whenever he was near stairs because he’d taken too closing his eyes and dragging his feet so he tripped repeatedly and would have fallen if Nate hadn’t caught him every time he stumbled.
Nate started to get desperate when Alex began submerging his head in the water for gradually longer periods of time every time he took a bath (and he’d started having a lot of baths) and when Alex let his razor linger over his neck as he stared at himself in the mirror when he shaved. Nate tried desperately to get him to listen to him but it never worked Alex just ignored him and shivered, shrugging off every comforting touch Nate tried to give him. He ended up staring at the withdrawn reflection in front of him, pale and thin, almost sickly. Nate began to worry Alex was hiding an illness from him, no one should have to deal with that alone, especially perfection.
“Please don’t,” Nate whispered in his ear and this time Alex seemed to take notice of his words. Pressing his lips into a thin line, his jaw tense, he swallowed heavily like he was fighting back tears and put the razor down. Nate hung his head as he left the room, trying to keep back his own tears, his own desperation as Alex began to look for the cigarettes that Nate had disposed of yesterday.
The next day Alex spent the whole of it lying on the couch of the apartment they had shared for just over a year now. He stared at the ceiling with Nate leaning on the back of the couch, looking down at him, trying to decipher his expressionless face. Nate had given up on asking what was wrong and if there was anything he could do to fix it, now he was just hoping his boyfriend would maybe give him a clue.
“Nate.”
Alex said his name so softly Nate half thought he imagined it at first because Alex hadn’t moved his gaze from the ceiling.
“Nate.”
He said it a little louder this time and closed his eyes as Nate leant over him.
“Alex?” he said hesitantly, watching the older man’s face as he smiled sadly.
Nate found himself smiling back, it was the only remotely happy thing he’d seen Alex do in a month.
Alex didn’t say anything else and after a while Nate was sure he’d fallen asleep with the sad smile on his face. He curled up next to him, trying to feel hopeful and convince himself that this was progress and soon Alex would be as happy as he was supposed to be, as happy as he deserved to be.
Alex didn’t move until midnight, or around then, Nate couldn’t see the clock from where he was. The couch felt empty without him but Nate didn’t want to move, he could hear Alex moving in the kitchen but no draws opened so he didn’t worry too much, he knew no knives were out, he liked to make sure they were put away so Alex wouldn’t get any ideas.
He started counting the minutes Alex was gone but found himself drifting into the strange subdued wakefulness that had been the closest he’d gotten to sleeping in a while and let himself stay there with the minutes slipping away.
Nate didn’t know what time it was when he drifted back, he didn’t even have Alex’s dim watch to try and guess the time from.
“Alex,” Nate called out into the darkness.
He got no reply but he was used to that by now so he swung his legs over the edge of the couch and caught the glow of the bathroom light out of the corner of his eye.
“Alex,” he called out again, he didn’t know why, Alex never replied anymore.
The bathroom door was open a foot so Nate didn’t bother knocking as he pushed the door open the rest of the way. The first thing he noticed was the mirror which had thick black marker pen over it with just one word, sorry. He read it as the stench of vomit hit him.
Then he spotted Alex. Leaning against the bathtub, one hand wrapped around a bottle of bleach, the other clutching a plastic cup. His eyes were closed as his head fell back, resting on the edge of the bath as he lay perfectly still. Nate could feel something building up in his throat at the picture of broken perfection in front of him, as he dropped to his knees and clawed at Alex’s shirt desperately though it slipped through his fingers, trying to find some sign of life because he couldn’t think of anything else to do even though his hands were clumsy as he searched for a pulse which he already knew he wasn’t going to find because Alex didn’t even look like Alex. He looked flawed, cracked, broken, and tarnished like everything had left him, all the perfection that Nate had tried to protect as he admired it. He’d failed at keeping him safe and most of all he’d failed at keeping him happy.
“Fuck Alex,” he could barely form the words as he pressed his fingers to his neck but the man was barely warm.
Burning tears hit Alex’s cold skin as Nate leant over him, his fists bunched in Alex’s shirt, closing his eyes as he felt his heart shatter. He choked, hoping he’d drown himself in his own tears. It couldn’t happen quickly enough. Nate’s loud sobs began to echo around the bathroom, ringing in his own ears, not that there was anything else to hear.
“Nate?”
Nate didn’t know when his tears got so quiet. He shuddered, taking a deep breath before he heard his name again. He recognised the voice, it was the voice he’d been listening too for the past three years and it was faultless to him but all he could think about was how he must be imagining it because he was never going to be able to here that voice again.
“Nate,”
He shivered as something touched his shoulder, the rough pads of familiar fingertips brushed against his shirt. Nate’s sobs died down for a second as he glanced backwards. He looked up at Alex, who was so much more real, so more like Alex and so much more perfect than the lifeless body in front of him. Nate wiped away his tears with the back of his hand so he could see properly, he sniffed softly, his forehead creasing in confusion as Alex smiled down at him like he hadn’t smiled in weeks.
“W-what?” Nate’s voice cracked with the single mystified word.
Alex laughed lightly, kneeling down so he was face to face with the younger man, reaching out he took Nate’s hand in his, squeezing softly. Nate shivered; it felt different from before, not bad, just different. He stared into Alex’s warm brown eyes, the light that had been extinguished a few weeks previously had returned, even brighter than before and Nate couldn’t help the little flutter of happiness at the fact Alex looked as happy as he deserved to be. One question still remained.
“But you’re dead,” Nate said bluntly, his hand shaking in Alex’s.
Alex grinned broadly, “Yeah and so are you.”
Nate’s forehead creased even more, “Wait, what?”
It was Alex’s turn to look confused, “You’re dead, I’m dead, we’re both dead.”
“I’m dead?” Nate just stared at Alex, a lump building up in his throat as he toyed with the idea, Alex’s thumb stroking soft circles on his wrist, calming his shivering skin.
“I don’t remember that,” he finally whispered, barely being able to hear himself.
Alex stared back for a second, a sad smile on his lips, trying to figure out the best way to explain the situation.
“Nate, why do you think I did this?” Alex waved his free hand indicating the lifeless body behind Nate.
Nate shivered but didn’t look; he didn’t want to look at broken, defeated Alex only at the happy, whole Alex in front of him.
“You were unhappy,” Nate’s voice was barely more than a murmur.
“Understatement, fucking miserable and hopeless is much more appropriate,” Alex smiled sadly, “what did you think I was so unhappy about if not you?”
Nate’s voice was so quiet Alex could hardly hear him, “I asked you but you wouldn’t tell me,”
Alex’s face broke out in too a smile, he tried to hide his laughter as he leant forward to press a kiss to Nate’s mouth.
It felt better than Nate remembered, more real.
“I love you,” Alex muttered against Nate’s lips, “and I could never be happy living without you.”
“I-I’m sorry,” Nate stared wide eyed, shuffling nervously.
“What? Why?” Alex pulled Nate closer, cupping the younger man’s face in his hands and leaning his forehead against Nate’s.
Nate swallowed loudly, squirming in Alex’s grip, ignoring the feeling of Alex’s strangely warm breath on his lips.
“I wasn’t there to keep you happy,” he whispered guiltily, “you deserve to be happy, happier than anyone...it’s all I want and I wasn’t there,”
Alex smiled and murmured something unintelligible against Nate’s lips before chastely kissing him.
“It’s not your fault you died Nate,” he said, a hint of laughter in his voice.
“No,” Nate shook his head keeping his eyes on Alex’s, “but I wanted to always be there for you.”
He raised a hand to Alex’s chest, the fabric of his shirt smooth beneath his fingertips not looking away as he searched for the familiar heartbeat he could recognise so well. He gasped, his breath catching in his throat as he couldn’t find it, there was no life driven thud but something else warm and whole, he could almost feel it glow. Alex smiled as Nate curled his fingers into his shirt, touching a hand to Nate’s cheek.
“Hey if you can’t come to me I’ll come to you right?”
Nate finally smiled and kissed the man who needed him as much as he’d always wanted him to.