Finding Myself: Day 1
what is cut below is more for my benefit than yalls enjoyment, so it's not necessary to read..
Personality: Present-Focused, Hedonistic
Today was a "restate the obvious" day.. and here is what i've come up w/:
1) I make everything into a competition.. everything everything everything... I want to be the best and the only at everything I do, it's not good enough that i do my best (unless i lose, i'll tell you that's all that matters), but i have to beat out everybody else in the process... *shrug* this is why softball and i have issues i'm not the best, and i have no drive to get better and be the best, so i dont like it, i expect everything to come naturally .. if i'm going to work out, it has to be in a class b/c if i'm by myself i'll quit, but if other people are around i'm going to assume they're watching (even though they could probably care less) and I'll make sure i'm keeping up and "doing the best"
2) I love being by myself, i like being independent and i dont need anybody, my mom and i had this discussion earlier about me leaving for college.. the reason i like being by myself is b/c i love being in charge, and being able to direct what is going on, this is why i fight w/ my family all the time, they're my parents and are supposed to set rules/boundaries and tell me what to do, but i cant handle it b/c i dont get to be in charge and i lose control of myself.. ooh i hate that, not being in control of myself.. that is why people cant get really close to me b/c i want to seem like i'm the best, and i dont want to lower myself or seem vulnerable b/c that's a loss of control
3) If something isnt difficult, i dont think it's worthwhile.. i want everything to be hard and challenging, see number 1, so i can be the best and feel like i have overcome something - ex. boys, the chase is the whole game, other example.. when playing video games i'll let people tell me how to do it, but i wont let them show me.. i have to do it by myself (this is more on number 2 but oh well)
4) I have no dedication/drive about anything, i know i know, it makes no sense with what i have said above.. but it's the truth, i want everything but i dont want to work for it, i want it to just happen.. to drop out of the sky... ex. i have to do stuff in a class (cycling) b/c if i'm by myself i'll quit (see 1)
that's all for now, if you've read this far.. stay tuned for day 2
ooh this is what i did today, i joined nautilus.. yay and i took an abs class and advanced cycling.. i'm going to be feeling it tomorrow