funny laws of life
** Think before you think!
Stanislaw Lec
** Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
Harvard's Law
** Never replicate a successful experiment.
Fett's Law
** Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Von Braun
** It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
Phil White
** Cooke's Law
In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
** Ross's Law
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from
the floor-especially in the dark.
** Calkin's Law of Menu Language:
The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish.
** Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
** Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
corner of the workshop.
** Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
(1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
(2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.
** Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom Law: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats
Approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
**The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
**The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
**The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
**The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
**The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
**The Law of Motivation
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
**Boob's Law
You always find something in the last place you look.
**Weiler's Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
**Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
**Law of Volunteer Labor
People are always available for work in the past tense.
**Conway's Law
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
**Iron Law of Distribution
Them that has, gets.
**Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.
**Law of Drunkenness
You can't fall off the floor.
**Heller's Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.
**Osborne's Law
Variables won't; constants aren't.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less
important you are to the corporation, the more your
tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large
enough to increase your taxes and just small enough
to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers
everything except what happens.
* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing
what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be
doing something else.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers,
only cross-references.
* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your
husband to pick up five items at the store and then
you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget
two of the first five.
* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that
starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that
starts out soft will harden when stale.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to
eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the
bottom of the grocery bag.
* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work
late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work
early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
THE UNSPEAKABLE LAW
As soon as you mention something...
...if it's good, it goes away.
...if it's bad, it happens.
NONRECIPROCAL LAWS OF EXPECTATIONS
Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.
HOWE'S LAW
Every man has a scheme that will not work.
ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEMS DYNAMICS
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can.
ETORRE'S OBSERVATION
The other queue always moves faster.
SKINNER'S CONSTANT (FLANNAGAN'S FINAGLING FACTOR)
The quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have got.
LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY
An object will fall as to do the most damage.
JENNING'S COROLLARY
The chance of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
GORDON'S FIRST LAW
If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well.
MAIER'S LAW
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
HOARE'S LAW OF LARGE PROBLEMS
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
He who has the gold makes the rules.
BARTH'S DISTINCTION
There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.
SEGAL'S LAW
A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
NINETY-NINETY RULE OF PROJECT SCHEDULES
The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time, and the last 10% takes a further 90%.
FARBER'S FOURTH LAW
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
BOREN'S LAWS:
(1) When in charge, ponder.
(2) When in trouble, delegate.
(3) When in doubt, mumble.
Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
& Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
& Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.
& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time)
& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
& Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
& Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
& Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
& Law of Location
No matter where you go, there you are.
& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
& Brown's Law
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
& Oliver's Law
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
& Wilson's Law
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!)
& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.