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[iluvmonkeys_87]

a year ago today was the last time she opened her eyes.

even though it was only a few seconds it was enough for me.

rotating shifts began yesterday.

for 4 days they said "she wont make it through today" she was always such a fighter.

Comments

today

[waisted_on_you]

May 10 was Mariah and my Dads birthday. I felt really different all day, I talked to my dad on the phone cuz he had to go to the cardiologist on his bday and he just told me to go spend the day with mariah. I stayed at my moms all day and Mariah and I played outside with the dogs for a long time just sitting. She told me she didnt care about her birthday, that she didnt feel like it was her birthday. She was quiet almost the whole time... staring off into space a lot. Shes 13 now and shes seems so lost all the time. When Amy was here I never saw that cuz she was always right beside her happy as could be

Re: today

[iluvmonkeys_87]

I've been trying to think of what to say, and I still don't know really. I mean I'm not mad at you, I don't dislike you or something. I miss you. I guess I'm just disappointed? I feel like I don't even know who you are any more. And I just kept tellin myself I know he cares he just has his own life going on, and that's fine. Then I started doubting that on my birthday, and slowly but surely I just decided that you had more important things in your life. Because I know that if it was up to me, you couldn't have paid me to not be there on your birthday the year Amy died. And I know you have your own family stuff and whatever else, but not even 1 hour out of the day for the hardest birthday I'll ever have(or at least it seems like it)? That hurt. And that's when I decided I can't count on my best friend. The one person I thought would completely understand, given the circumstances. And maybe all this is my fault too cuz I'm not good at opening up to you (or any one for that matter, we've been over this) but I feel like we didn't even

Re: today

[waisted_on_you]

I dont know what to do!I dont know what to say! Forget that i told you about anything. forget that i bothered expressing myself to you as if we were still friends, Im sorry... I know i may have not been there but i was never hiding! I could never make you wanna open up to me and it made me feel like a loser that i wanted it soo bad just for you to tell me something anything... yes i know thats how you are but you know how i am too. and you have no idea why i wasnt there for you birthday and why i felt too shitty to see your face, but you dont care, and there was no excuse but I HATE myself for it... and my heart and soul hurt and i know its too late to say these things but Im not gonna stop. I was a terrible person and friend to you i waas, i know, and i cant take it back... but i want something... i want you in my life.i want my life to be different.and i want you in it.

Re: today

[iluvmonkeys_87]

I'm sorry if my message seemed mean or uncaring or something? It wasn't my intention. You say you want to know how I feel, THIS is how I feel. And I do want us to be friends again. I just feel like its gonna be a lot of crap to work through. And part of me says yes it's worth it, our friendship has been through a lot and you were the best friend I've ever had. ever. and i miss you, and yet part of me is just like I don't care, it shouldn't be this hard, i got through some of the toughest times without you...I don't need you. I don't know. I just don't know anything. I can't focus on anything with this floating around in my head. I'm not good with my words or even figuring out what i'm feeling enough to put it into words. I want us to be friends again because i miss you. But I don't wanna just rush into our friendship like nothing ever happened to it. I feel like we need to talk about so much and yet I don't want to talk about any of it. I just don't know what to do.