Painfully funny!
I NEVER read forwards, but I got this from a friend who never sends forwards. I took the chance and read it, and OMG it was so funny... painfully funny! Wax Hair Removal:
I think I will stick to old fashion shaving!!!
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady,
scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come
home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the
thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the
next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit
out of the medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a
clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in
your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and
press them to your leg (or wherever
else) and you
pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hardcan
it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA
THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips
facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing
them together, my genius kicks in. So I get out the
hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold
the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes
me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and
maker of smooth skin extraordinary. With my next wax
strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom for the
ultimate hair
fighting championship. I drop my panties and place
one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip
across the right side of my bikini line, covering the
right half of my vag** a and stretching down to the
inside of my butt cheek. Yes, it was a long strip.
I inhale deeply and brace myself.......RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GOD!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to
pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath
and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I
think I may pass out...........must stay
conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy -a wax covered strip, the one
that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt
sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is
my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS
THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still
perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that
should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my
body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted
hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake.......
remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I
know I need to do something.
So I put my foot down. !!!!!!!! I hear the slamming
of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed
shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to
figure out what to do and think to myself "Please
don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop
off!" What can
I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot
water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can
stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can
gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than
that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize
surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether
regions glued together, is having them glued together
and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding
hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I
had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months
ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call
my friend, thinking surely
she has waxed before and
has some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt
and who-ha are glue together to the bottom of the
tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any
secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her
laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
"Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's
laughing out loud by now.....I can hear her. I give
her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on
the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the
joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to
scraping the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels
better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot
wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water
and then dry-shaving the
sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a
major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see
my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove
the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this
point?
I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! WHAT IN!!!!!!!!!!!
My screams probably woke the kids and scared the
dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I
really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works !!" I get a
hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up,
still laughing. I successfully remove the remainder
of the wax and then notice to my grief and
despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck,
I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I should have
amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
I think I will stick to old fashion shaving!!!
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady,
scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come
home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the
thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the
next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit
out of the medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a
clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in
your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and
press them to your leg (or wherever
else) and you
pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hardcan
it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA
THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips
facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing
them together, my genius kicks in. So I get out the
hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold
the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes
me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and
maker of smooth skin extraordinary. With my next wax
strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom for the
ultimate hair
fighting championship. I drop my panties and place
one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip
across the right side of my bikini line, covering the
right half of my vag** a and stretching down to the
inside of my butt cheek. Yes, it was a long strip.
I inhale deeply and brace myself.......RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GOD!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to
pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath
and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I
think I may pass out...........must stay
conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy -a wax covered strip, the one
that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt
sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is
my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS
THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still
perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that
should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my
body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted
hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake.......
remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I
know I need to do something.
So I put my foot down. !!!!!!!! I hear the slamming
of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed
shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to
figure out what to do and think to myself "Please
don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop
off!" What can
I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot
water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can
stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can
gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than
that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize
surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether
regions glued together, is having them glued together
and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding
hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I
had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months
ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call
my friend, thinking surely
she has waxed before and
has some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt
and who-ha are glue together to the bottom of the
tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any
secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her
laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
"Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's
laughing out loud by now.....I can hear her. I give
her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on
the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the
joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to
scraping the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels
better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot
wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water
and then dry-shaving the
sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a
major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see
my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove
the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this
point?
I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! WHAT IN!!!!!!!!!!!
My screams probably woke the kids and scared the
dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I
really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works !!" I get a
hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up,
still laughing. I successfully remove the remainder
of the wax and then notice to my grief and
despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck,
I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I should have
amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......