Lenten Meditations
So, I'm pretty much the worst Christian ever.
I fasted for Ash Wednesday, for the first time, and during like two parts of the day I thought "I'm doing this for God." Most of the time I thought "Wow, I hope I can lose some weight off of this!"
I actually said "God fucking dammit, I'm hungry."
Someone I know needs to have a 'come to Jesus' chat.
And that someone is me.
But I don't even have earth-shattering faith to begin with. No offense to hxc Christians, but I think a lot of stuff in the Bible is rubbish. I mean, I believe in the gospels with a few of the miracles, but most of it is . . . well, probably not true.
I don't know. It's hard for me to do stuff for God. I'm a big advocate of self-preservation and self-pleasure.
Which came out a lot more pervertedly than I intended. I meant I'm all about pleasing me. Call it selfish if you want; I call it enjoying life. I mean, my joy often comes from pleasing others, but I want myself to be happy first.
God, I'm coming across as a total bitch, aren't I? I guess it comes back from caveman days before we knew about sharing and kindness to others and international save-the-children foundations. (Wo)Man fight for self, (Wo)Man live. Other (wo)men die, but (Wo)Man lives and is happy and passes on genetic material to better mankind with more selfish bitches/bastards.
I really wish I didn't hate myself so much right now. It's not at all part of my personal philosophy.
However, that seems to be morphing quickly. I used to be loud and histrionic and cheery, but now I seem so serious and subdued and emotional.
I can't even not take advice (not even critisizm, mind) personally. I almost started crying when my drama teacher gave me advice for my monolog. All she did was suggest that I slow down at a point for emphasis, and my thoughts were "what kind of idiot doesn't realize that from right off the bat, first time cold-reading the peice? I am a worthless actor. Kiss my dreams goodbye." And I almost broke down.
Here's hoping my brain evens out soon.
♠
I fasted for Ash Wednesday, for the first time, and during like two parts of the day I thought "I'm doing this for God." Most of the time I thought "Wow, I hope I can lose some weight off of this!"
I actually said "God fucking dammit, I'm hungry."
Someone I know needs to have a 'come to Jesus' chat.
And that someone is me.
But I don't even have earth-shattering faith to begin with. No offense to hxc Christians, but I think a lot of stuff in the Bible is rubbish. I mean, I believe in the gospels with a few of the miracles, but most of it is . . . well, probably not true.
I don't know. It's hard for me to do stuff for God. I'm a big advocate of self-preservation and self-pleasure.
Which came out a lot more pervertedly than I intended. I meant I'm all about pleasing me. Call it selfish if you want; I call it enjoying life. I mean, my joy often comes from pleasing others, but I want myself to be happy first.
God, I'm coming across as a total bitch, aren't I? I guess it comes back from caveman days before we knew about sharing and kindness to others and international save-the-children foundations. (Wo)Man fight for self, (Wo)Man live. Other (wo)men die, but (Wo)Man lives and is happy and passes on genetic material to better mankind with more selfish bitches/bastards.
I really wish I didn't hate myself so much right now. It's not at all part of my personal philosophy.
However, that seems to be morphing quickly. I used to be loud and histrionic and cheery, but now I seem so serious and subdued and emotional.
I can't even not take advice (not even critisizm, mind) personally. I almost started crying when my drama teacher gave me advice for my monolog. All she did was suggest that I slow down at a point for emphasis, and my thoughts were "what kind of idiot doesn't realize that from right off the bat, first time cold-reading the peice? I am a worthless actor. Kiss my dreams goodbye." And I almost broke down.
Here's hoping my brain evens out soon.
♠