(no subject)
mattyfizzle1984: brelan
im bleeding this: what
mattyfizzle1984: what was wrong with u earlier
im bleeding this: i dont know
mattyfizzle1984: r u cool now
im bleeding this: i guess
mattyfizzle1984: u sure
mattyfizzle1984: :-(
im bleeding this: yeah
im bleeding this: :-\
mattyfizzle1984: im sorry for being an asshole
im bleeding this: you shouldnt be
mattyfizzle1984: well i am
mattyfizzle1984: but i cant belive u smoke pot now thats not cool
im bleeding this: what else am i supposed to do?!
im bleeding this: i have no friends anymore besides the people who actually smoke and i like it now..
mattyfizzle1984: :-\
mattyfizzle1984: wow
im bleeding this: what
mattyfizzle1984: nothing
mattyfizzle1984: ive lost all my friends to weed
im bleeding this: i didnt smoke so much until i lost my friends
mattyfizzle1984: well u know how much i hate that shit
im bleeding this: well its not like you cared before
mattyfizzle1984: i did
mattyfizzle1984: i have to go
im bleeding this: bye...
mattyfizzle1984: bye
mattyfizzle1984: fag
im bleeding this: :-\
mattyfizzle1984: O:-)
mattyfizzle1984: kidding
mattyfizzle1984: sorry
mattyfizzle1984: ill stop
mattyfizzle1984: u r depressed
im bleeding this: it doesnt matter
mattyfizzle1984: brelan
im bleeding this: what
mattyfizzle1984: chill
im bleeding this: :-\
mattyfizzle1984: what is wrong tell me remember how close we were
im bleeding this: yeah..we were
im bleeding this: :-(
mattyfizzle1984: u dont need me anyways
mattyfizzle1984: im a loser and i smell and im ugly so
im bleeding this: shut up
im bleeding this: thats not true
mattyfizzle1984: yeah it is
im bleeding this: you were one of the only people i did need..and now, i guess it doesnt matter
mattyfizzle1984: what do u mean u dont wanna be friends
im bleeding this: i do..
im bleeding this: im just pretty sure you dont care
mattyfizzle1984: im naming my son aiden
mattyfizzle1984: ill name my daughter brelan so your not the only 1 ok
im bleeding this: hah..yeah
That might be hard to follow but yeah...Matt. He can determine wether I have a good day or a bad day. Today, I started crying because of him. Again. Im sick of reflecting my feelings off of Matt and the way hes making me feel. I need to stop. And that part in the red:
"Im pretty sure you dont care"
"Im naming my son adien"
Pretty much made my point for me. He doesnt care. He sees that I cried over him and all of a sudden, hes all concerned. I think he might like how big of an impact he makes on me. Its not that hes a total asshole, he just likes attention. I might be being too mean right now. But Im just in a bad mood.
I might feel different tomorrow. Oh yeah, Matt doesnt work on Friday so I told him earlier today when he was at my house "we should hang out on friday" and he just was like, "alright" It was like he doesnt care. I dont know. But I really miss my best friend.
About the smoking, I dont know. I used to hate it and be totally against smoking weed. Then, Of course, I had to try it one day and I ended up liking it. It doesnt change who I am. And maybe it is really stupid to do drugs but, I really dont see myself stopping too soon. Yeah. Im stupid. People around me seems to hate it so much. Besides the 9 or 10 friends I actually smoke with.
Basically, the only people I smoke with are, Andy, Ben, Daran, Robert, Colin. Thats about it. More people off and on, once and awhile but Ben, Daran and Robert are the main ones.
Maybe I should stop. Its not like Im a total pot head. Just, every once and awhile. My high isnt even all the way off from earlier. Whenever Im high or drunk, I get really emotional. Thats when I do most of my serious thinking.
Thats were Ben comes in. I have this big, huge, "crush" on Ben. I've liked him for a long time. But now, I really like him. Hes always nice to me. He talks to me. Hes the funniest person I have ever met in my whole entire life. Thats the truth. I get so worried about where he is and what hes doing. I want to be with him constantly. It used to be that he was my friend and he was a good friend. Its not like that anymore. And I am sure he has no interest in me at all. He really has no interest in girls at all. He doesnt care. I wish I couldnt care about guys.
Another thing, My boyfriend. Andy. Hes wonderful and I care about him so much and Im so happy with him. But, I cant have these feelings for Ben because of Andy. Im a horrible person. But Andy and I are actually serious. I dont know if Im actually serious about Ben. Well, I am. But it could never go anywhere. Even if I wasnt with Andy.
Okay, Im done for tonight. Im sure I will have more to complain about tomorrow. :-/